Dora the Explorer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] Dora
| Dora the Explorer | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| |||
| Kingdom | Spanishlishous | ||
| Phylum | yusayus | ||
| Class | benedictus | ||
| Order | Of the Dick | ||
| Family | Diego, Eduardo, Carlos Mencia, Mario Mario, Juan Pablo Montoya, Muvvy Moople Mucky Mack the Dead Possum in the coffee can , , Cabasal The Dark Toad , Fayufilin the Joiner | ||
| Genus | kathleenus | ||
| Species | demon child RAPIST | ||
| Power Plant | A compound of Refried Beans and Acid | ||
| HP: | 69 | ||
| Mana Points: | 3.14159265368979323846264338279502884... | ||
| Strength: | 69 | ||
| Intelligence: | George Bush-.001 (Boy, that's a boost) | ||
| Weight | 36 Tons | ||
| Main Goal | to marry diego a.k.a yusayus albertus someday...(how sweet) | Special Attack | Sonic "¡Lo hicimos!" shou, Backpack song. |
“Little Mexican bitch that never could keep her mouth shut. And I don't care much for that Dora either!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dora the Explorer
“Kiss my aura, Dora. Would you like some mora? Right here on the flora? And how about you, fauna? Do you wanna?”
~ Frank Zappa on threesomes with Dora and her gay monkey
“She abuses us.”
~ The map and backpack on Dora the Explorer. Then again, who gives a shit about that shit?
“I got so tired of her trying to anally rape me that I had to swipe her things away, I guess.”
~ Swiper the Fox on Dora the Explorer
“Love that tight ass.”
~ Boots on Dora the Explorer
“All right Dora, tell us the truth! You're a twenty year old man who is persuading innocent little mexican kids to cross the border and get shot!”
~ FBI on Dora the Explorer
“We used to have a thing. But I had to break it off. She only cared about the exploring and the drugs.”
~ The Stupid Spanish Kid on the Bus on Dora the Explorer
“Callate, puta!”
~ Some random Mexican guy on Dora the Explorer
“She's too powerful evil with a girl body!”
~ Dr. Frogg on Dora the Explorer
“What the fuck is she teaching Spanish for, the dumb ho? She should be teaching English!”
~ Some Random Amercican on Dora the Explorer
“The only fucking Mexican that's gonna survive me, she's too fucking powerful.”
~ Swine Flu on Dora the Explorer
“WHY?????”
~ User:Luke F on Dora the Explorer
Dora the Exploiter, a.k.a kathleen longno Areola, born Dorita Lafrita Areola Maria Conchita Alonzo Lolapalooza (as she was once known), is a famous mugger-rapist and gamgster/drug trafficker. She was also the very first mexican to illegally cross the border, and promoted the practice through her informative tele-visual programs aimed at children . The main goals of her television show are to boost the spanish/mexican takeover of the United States of America by forcing children to learn the language of her mother country and to enlist the children in her drug trafficking train and possibly prostitution. In actuality, the average 4 year old after hearing blue es AZUL! 530 times, when asked what color is azul will typically respond "yellow". Dora's hometown is Tijuana, Mexico where she usually spends her time getting in gang fights, mugging people, robbing stores, and all sorts of stuff. her arch-rival gangster is Swiper The Fox. Swiper gets in shoot-outs with Dora all the time. Sometimes he'll wait in a trashcan for her to pass and then "swipe" her up with a knife. When dora is trafficking drugs over the border, she stuffs all the drugs in Boots's boots. Boots's real name is Puto Mamacita Pendejo. Dora calls him Boots because thats where they store the drugs.
[edit] Appearance
- Dora presents herself as a child, yet her (gargantuan) adult sized head is precariously positioned upon a barbie doll body.
- Her eyes are half the size of her tennis shoes and bigger than her hands.
- Her belly shirt is actually a maternity top to encourage children to go into prostitution.
- She has a boob job, to upgrade her to a size AAAAAAAAAAA.
- Her nose is an apostrophe.
- She shaves her eyebrows, eyelashes, and her vag.
- She literally has two right feet.
- She has AIDS.
- Her head is twice the width of her shoulders and drips like a fat watermelon filled with fat juice
- She had a sex-change from a boy to a girl and is currently bi-sexual.
- She only thinks that her backpack and other random animals are responding to her commands when in fact, Nickelodeon only has two migrant workers trying to cross the US Mexican border via a backpack and a rolled up talking map.
- She has a speech problem and thinks dangerous animals are talking to her due to a crack overuse.
[edit] How Dora Came To The US
In the back of a pickup truck, under border patrol fire.
She is an illegal Mexican immigrant from Panama(she was originally born in Chile by her mother which was a jalapeno on a stick and her father Carlos Mencia, thus being sent to America for booking.). Also, Dora stole a green card from someone in San Francisco. Rumor has it that she gave a ***** to a little 10 year old Spanish Texan laddie boy for a greencard, but it is unconfirmed whether this statement is true.
Dora has received lots of negative attention from famous or controversial icons in the United states, including Bill O'Reilly, Fred Phelps, and Don Imus. Many of the people who have criticized Dora's show say they did so because of the extreme use of drugs, gang violence, and overly-suggestive themes that the show 'Dora the dealer' has become so famous for. They also criticized her for her wardrobe of belly-shirts.
On June 10 2008 she was caught with Boots driving a Ford Ranger truck through the desert while smoking pot and acting like bisexual retards, and she got sent to the Everglades Immigration Jail with señor boots listening to ♪everybody♫ by the backstreet boys and Dora telling him to shove a stick up his vagina and enjoy it. ☺..♣.
[edit] Arsonry
In the year 2008, Dora was accused of arson. She was sent to trial infront backpack, the map, and boots. She was found inocent on 6 charges of intentional arsonry. Like OJ we know she fucking did it!
[edit] Skills (a.k.a. deadly attacks of torture)
Repetition to a degree so insane one may lose brain cells. An example:
- Dora: "Where's the lake?" (referring to a lake 3 inches beside her) "Donde esta el lago?"
- Boots: "The lake! The lake! Oo oo ee ee!"
- Dora: "Can you see the lake?" "Puede ver el lago?"
- ...4 seconds later...
- Dora: "Do you know where the lake is?" "Sabe donde el lago esta?"
- ...another 4 seconds...
- Dora: "Click on the lake!"
- Boots: "Oh for fuck's sake! Where's the fucking lake, dammit?!"(repeat 50 times)
- (After clicking on the lake which takes up 3/4th of the screen...)
- Lake: "Buenos dias, Dora y Boots!"
- Dora: "The lake speaks Spanish! And it knows my name!" (proof that she was smuggling drugs)
Her primary weapon is an endless loop of the viciously repetitive and mind-numbing children's song Backpack which is said to produce comprehensive confessions from Iraqi prisoners after around 15 minutes of torture. Although this violates the Geneva Convention, article XVII, which clearly states - No physical or mental torture, nor any other form of animated cartoons shortened or otherwise, may be inflicted on prisoners of war to secure from them information of any kind whatever. Prisoners of war who refuse to answer may not be threatened, insulted, or exposed to any Dora the Explorer theme song melody including and/or especially consisting of repetitive "Backpack" songs and limited to and not excluding thereby thus said animation theme songs of any kind, sort, or duration., the American public remains unaware of the psychological damage this may cause and continue to purchase Dora paraphernalia at a staggering rate.
[edit] Allies (Gang members)
Boots - Her monkey minion, who conviently mass produces condoms which dora can stuff with drugs and shove into every cavity in her Mexican booty. Taco - A gay squirrel who, although can understand English, speaks only Spanish, in order to confuse people while Dora jumps them. Cobra - Her mission to seek out and destroy the United States is happily funded by the Cobra Commando's and she is sent to plant nukes at strategic places in the United States of America.
[edit] Enemies (Po-po, fuzz, etc.)
Anyone who has an IQ above negative 5000.
'Swiper':
Her chief enemy is a fox (duh, it's known that foxes are archenemies of explorers) named Swiper the Sniper. Used to be a Hitman, but now Swiper works for the U.S. Border Patrol and the CIA. Instead of taking Dora's shit, he just throws it in the woods or is stopped by Dora and the homo monkey when they shoot at him with machineguns and bazookas. This Usually stops him. He is infamous for inadvertently allowing such celebrities as Carlos Mencia and the Taco Bell chihuahua to cross the border. He also is a very corrupt oficer. He Uses drugs, he robs people with his machinegun from work, he paints dead bodies to look like Dora, hangs them like a pinata, and he makes youtube videos of him smacking them with a big stick. He later tracked down and killed the chihuahua, preventing him from doing any more Taco Bell ads, but mencia remains elusive. He has since redirected his attention towards Dora, calling her "an annoying spanish talking barbie doll." Swiper carries around a pump-action shotgun and a semi automatic pistol. He has often been heard saying, "Oops i missed". Swiper is intent on killing Dora and feeding her dead body to blood-thirsty attack dogs.
Bola Bola:
Her other enemy is her Dutch (or German, no one really knows) cousin named Bola Bola (Balls) the Kreepsplorer a.k.a Zikus areolas. She is a white, blonde, Dora look-alike that has stapled a pair of testicles to her chin. She is incredibly famous in Holland(The Netherlands) where she is featured on cereal boxes, eats cereal, and gets her own German (Deutsche) Kora show. In this horror, reality show she kreeps Dora down till the point where she starts crying. Then she yells, "Kora! No kreeping!" at which point Kora obviously stops kreeping and goes back to planning her next kreep. Omigawd! If you see a white, blond, girl that looks exactly like Dora, except with horribly kreepy bloodshot eyes, you have found Kora!
Fred Figglehorn:
The most daunting and intimidating of Dora's enemies, however, has to be Fred Figglehorn, who paid Swiper (the equivalent of) $44 Million (in pounds) to kidnap Dora. Fred said that Dora's show was ungodly and was glorifying unrighteous, satanic activities. Dora has only encountered Phelps in person twice, however, but both times, Gramps has blasted Dora's show, calling her such things as 'an ungodly whore' and 'an evil demon child'. Fred was actually nearly arrested the second time he and Dora met face to face.
Border Patrol- She hates the fuckers!!
[edit] Religion:
Despite being spanish (or maybe because of it) dora is a born and raised mormon. Her harem includes sailor moon, Al Capone, Bill Nye, and Paul Caffney and the beaver brown band. And of course, her faithful monkey, cow and other animal friends when she feels up to a touch of bestiality.
[edit] Drug Dealing
After Dora got tired of being a prostitute, (thats what she says, but she got something stuck there), she became a popular drug dealer. She and Boots try to go to special locations to deliver the drugs. Because of their severe drug intake they have come to believe that their backpack and map have lives of their own. Swiper the fox goes around and tries to steal the drugs from Dora and Boots and arrest them. Though he has as of yet been unsuccessful at arresting the elusive pair, he has succeeded in stealing the drugs and hiding them, no doubt to go back and use them at a later date. Unfortunately, with the help of Dora's backpack and/or map, Dora has been able to find her hidden drugs every time. Dora has supplied various hallucinogens, commies, blacks, whites, animals, babies, and to many celebrities, including The Wiggles and the entire cast of High School Musical, causing the casts to erupt in song and have untrue philosophical ideas, such as "We're all in this together." Dora has shot her self to many times with the heroin and needs to move on to cocaine. Dora occaisonally does some experimenting herself. She has created her own illegal drug which is called "spazzo". It is a mixture of cocaine, crack, heroine, several types of halluciongens, and some uknown drugs the rest of us haven't discovered.
Dora sells cocaine, heroine, pot, rocket, meth, halluciongens, crack, and other drugs. To contact her, please call FILTHY-MEXI for more information.
For help on how to deal with drugs... TALK TO FRANK.
[edit] Wanted Poster Created by the Federal Bureau of Investigation
WANTED BY FOLLOWING AGENCIES: Customs and Border Patrol, Canadian Border Patrol, Apple and Microsoft, Texas Ranger's, Association of Disabled WWII Veterans, Geek squad, Interpol, The Arizona Department of Corrections, Law And Order, FBI, TSA, CIA, DPS, DEA, LAPD, NYPD, INS, FM, TPD, PPD, NBC, KGB, RCMP, BET, IRS, DSS, MADD, CSI, JAGEX, VH1, MSNBC, NASA, NAVY, CNN, DMV, GMC, GNC, HSN, HDTV, MTV, GMTV, CITV, TBS, CBS, BBC, M-I6, M-I5, SAS, RAF, NBA, NCIS, RSPCA, EPA, NHL, NFL, NRL, NSA, AFL, CIO, GTA, MMS, SMS, S&M, MI6, ABC, ESPN, NBA, AFI, ADEFESMDEFESESCESWEA, NAFTA, USAF, and any other organization you can abbreviate, especially the IRA.
Name: Dora the Explorer (Born Dorita Conchita Martita Paulita Gonzalez Escobar y Alonso or assface)
Age: 42
DOB: 08/25/1967
Height: 2'11" inches
Weight: 29 pesitas
Ethnicity: Dirty Mexican AKA Wetback
Worth: 999,999,999,999,999.99! No Wait, 999,999,999,998.99. You know what? Free taco if brought alive, or her homosexual monkey Boots if brought dead.
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown (usually bloodshot)
Aliases: Dorothy Gale, Indiana Jones, Michael Jackson
Attire: Ussualy seen wearing a ski mask, a sombrero ontop of ski mask, black jacket, steel-tipped cleets/boots with steel spikes.
Last Seen: 9/11/2001 (For those with a useful dating system, 11/9/2001)
Location of Sighting: New York City Financial District
Vehicle Last Sighted In: 1992 Ford Fiesta
(Vehicle has been reported stolen)
License Plate: FILTHYMEXI1
Hometown:Tijuana, Mexico
Wanted for the following crimes: Fucking a monkey, Drive-by, Robbery, Caused 9/11 (and we thought that Osama guy caused it) Accessory to Robbery, Hostage Taking, Grand Theft Auto, Kidnapping, Drug Running, Murder, Illegal Immigration, Border Jumping, Unlawful Entry Into Another Country, Rape, Fornication, Conspiracy, Hit-and-Run, Pimping/Hooking, Assault on a Peace Officer, Domestic Violence, Possession of a controlled substance, No License, Terrorism, Conspiracy to commit Terrorism, Evading Arrest, Disturbing the Peace, Being Foreign, Parking Within Five Meters of Fire Hydrant, Activating Ballistic Missiles without Authorization, Armed Robbery, Numerous Moving Violations, Failure to Appear, Highway Robbery, Battery, Criminal Damage, Arson, Home invasion, Hate Crime, Aiding in Homicide, Illegal Distribution to a Minor, Speaking Spanish, Raping a monkey, Capturing Stars (and then turning them into bombs),conspiracy to use weapons of mass destruction within the United States, conspiracy to acquire and use anti-aircraft missiles, and Kidnapping a Snow Princess.
Weapons known to Carry: Nuclear bombs, Rocket Launcher M20A1/A1B1 "Super Bazooka", AK-47, a 2002 dodge mini-van packed with enough explosives to sculpt a mountain, AR-15, M-16, MG-82, Sniper Rifle, Desert Eagle, M16A4, Automatic Shotgun, Sawn-off Shotgun, Double-barrel shotgun, Uzi, MP5, 9mm, .357 Magnum, Switchblade, Taser, RPG, Grenades, grenade launcher, three minuteman ballistic missiles,a T-72 military Tank,A top secret CIA B-20 vaporizer,a jkhhcgfgxgxgfxgxgfk other wise known as a "fork", a tooth pick, a banana sword,a purple backpack, stars, a black vibrator, eye wax, and a taser.
Is considered armed and dangerous. If seen, DO NOT APPROACH. Call 911 or local military base. Has been known to be extremely violent and has what appears to be an advanced case of schizophrenia. Also known to have affiliations with Mexican or Columbian Cartel. Help us get this criminal off the streets.
African Traslation (yes, she is also a terrorist on her country): Tok tok tok Nok Tok tok tok tok Nok Tick tok nok {Jose Morales) Tok Nok Tok.
Update: As of November 4th, 2008 at approx. 7:18, she refered to Barack Obama, as " a filthy proch monkey who needs to be shot"
[edit] Upcoming Movies
Dora saves the Snow Princess:One day, Dora and Boots returned to mexico. Then, she gets everyone that she knows that are living in mexico to the U.S but, she is told that if she wants to go back to the U.S that she has to save a beautiful but sometimes ugly princess and slaughter a deathly witch.
'Dora VS. Evil:' One day after munching on tobacco with Boots, she hears that she's drafted into the Mexican army, despite her age. Unlucky of her, when she's almost done with the army, she called up to fight in World War V, where her goal is to beat up General Ali G at Las Vegas, but she discovers that Ali G is her REAL dad! What should she do? (will be released in IMAX 3D whenever World War V ends).
Dora jumps the border After realizing that her pappi escaped over the border to abandon her, Dora decides to cross the boder, illegallly. With the help of her pimp (Diego), her human (monkey) shield, and her gunman (Sniper), Dora sucessfully crosses the border. However, Jeffrey Dammer finds her on the other side and eats her.
Freddy Versus Dora Freddy killed Jason, now he wants to destroy someone who's just as evil.
[edit] The end
One day Dora and Boots visited the bank in Doraville, Georgia. When a bunch of robbers armed with various weapons swarmed the building and demanded money from the teller, Dora angrily cried "Swiper, No swiping!" - Her bloody end came mere seconds later.
But believe it or not she is was good at math. I learned from her; 2 fools plus 12 magazines of 30 rounds each equals 0 fools. Swiper the Fox was reported to have thrown a party afterwards.
