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Teenage boy about to meatmeet his Doppelwanker for the first time.

Doppelwanker is a German internet expression describing either a person or an entity that is seen as an individual's exact double in masturbating style and technique. While each of us may or may not have a Doppelwanker, it is certain that some of us do. There is significant proof of this, despite the fact that the so-called scientific circles see the Doppelwanker as a figment of a totally deranged and downright dirty mind. [1]

edit History of the Doppelwanker; history of the usage of the exact term

The exact first use of the term is lost in the history of time, but by the outbreak of the First World War a number of German Infantry were using the phrase in dispatches from France, specifically linked to the synchronised masturbatory festivals they witnessed there.

Within modern times the term is most often witnessed within online community porn sites such as Chatroulette, usually by fat&shit teenagers upon discovering another individual demonstrating a similar style in approaching the vinegar strokes.

edit How to find your Doppelwanker most effectively

This is perhaps the easiest thing in the whole Doppelwanker phenomenon. You will only need to log onto Facebook and describe your masturbation methods in detail. You can be certain a large number of similarly obsessed people will cheer your methods and discoveries as brilliant. A buck gets you fifty those are all your Doppelwankers!

An alternative method of locating your Doppelwanker is to crack one off in a public place were others are likely to be doing the same, such as city parks, public toilets or your front lawn. If there is nobody around, you can just follow the trails of cum that wankers traditionally ooze in their wake.[2]

edit What to do when you find your Doppelwanker?


Mass Doppelwanking is still practiced within the German Armed Forces.

This problem hasn't been worked out yet. It is obvious that since both you and your wank-double are (mostly) masturbators and even share the exact same methods, any kind of relationship would be futile. You could always have a masturbation party, however, if you feel so inclined.[3]

Some within the scientific community point out the dangers of proximity of Doppelwankers. The more intense the masturbator the higher the levels are of something catastrophic occurring. Masturbators who utilise expert techniques such as the "thumb brake", the "flickswitch", the "slapcock", "juggling metal balls under your antlers like Moses", and "zombie whittling" [4] are thought to be of such great risk should two Doppelwankers meet that many countries have strict guidelines to prevent meetings from occuring.

edit Footnotes

  1. The scientific circles are filled with fucking perverts. They deny orgasm - and as a result, their balls fill until they burst. This is true. It really is. That's why laboratories are always filled with professor cum.
  2. Sometimes a wanker has milked himself so dry that no trail can be spotted. In such a case, there is nothing much to be done except wait for the next opportunity. A letdown, isn't it?
  3. Needless to say, if you are gay, you can always shout "suck my cock!" or "flick my clit!" Some wankers still go for ordinary sechs. I mean, ordinary to gays. I'm not gay myself. I really am not.
  4. Approximately the same as "flogging a dead whores"
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