Doping in sports
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“I swear on my mother's life I never introduced a needle in my ass!”
“Mr. McGwire, did you or did you not use anabolic steroids during the course of your career?”
“Er... I don't get it... Y-You know... Hum... What did you say? Well, I-I... I didn't expect that question... Er... Next question???”
There is such an enormous amount of money involved in professional sports nowadays that the temptation for athletes to cheat in order to hoard the Benjamins has never been greater. What's a little heart attack at 45 years of age when the possibility to make a fortune is within reach? Nothing problematic there. Liver failure? It doesn't matter if that dynamite can squeeze 20 extra home runs out of you; living a short life in the fast lane is better than a long one at a snail pace, isn't it? Murdering your whole family thanks to a rage induced by a 10 year steroids binge? Collateral damage. Stuff happens.
Sadly, the above accurately depicts the mindset that athletes who use performance-enhancing drugs are developing as they face the pressure to perform at all costs. For this reason, they resort to doping like there is no tomorrow, frantically feasting on pills, sticking needles in their behinds and snorting powdered gorilla livers in order to crush the competition.
Certainly one of the sports where the participants carry the reputation of being walking and rolling pharmaceutical experiments, cycling is oftentimes mentioned as a delinquent sport. It is indeed estimated that the average Tour de France winner's blood contains $10,000 worth of doping products, masking agents, horse growth hormones and genetically enhanced lasagnas.
Lance Armstrong, aka "The Uniballer" is a prime example of the above: when questioned by overly curious reporters about that third arm that was visibly growing at the rate of half-an-inch a second on his back, Armstrong promptly chopped it off and answered in an embarrassed manner that it was the side effect of the coughing medicine he was prescribed. Nothing to worry about. He swiftly gave the amputated limb to a child as a souvenir and stormed off. Everybody in attendance applauded the kind gesture.
An event that had onlookers a little more concerned and stupefied occurred as the cancer survivor was right in the warzone that is a Tour de France mountain stage. Going up the steep slopes of Alpe d'Huez at 50mph, he was forced to apply the brakes when negotiating turns so he didn't throw himself off the mountain. He was flying uphill as the team cars' engines exploded trying to keep the frantic pace up, when something happened: Armstrong started morphing into the Incredible Hulk. He crossed the finish line with his cycling gear torn off by the bulging greenish muscle mass, his wheels literally square-shaped now thanks to the sheer weight the poor saddle had to endure, but he was still going 75 mph. It was later explained by his team that a sunblock lotion caused the whole thing. That explication made so much sense that everyone cheered for the mutant's performance, no questions asked.
A reasonable person would assume that a sport in which the most grueling physical effort is getting off your butt to jog 50 yards at the start of an inning and swing a wooden stick around about a dozen times per game would be drug-free. Think again. Baseball will smash the remaining faith you had toward pro sports like a bat blow to the skull. While it may seem unbelievable that fatasses like Manny Ramirez are on drugs, over 100 "athletes" have been caught beefing up on 'roids.
Barry Bonds*, now the career homerun record titleholder*, proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that steroid use shrink your brain and impair its cognitive functions in an inversely proportional manner as it boosts strength when he showed up at a press conference dressed as a transvestite. Even though some reporters seemed to be pleasantly surprised and aroused by that showing, some did not buy the pathetic attempt at diversion from the ongoing steroid controversy and asked the tough questions. He immediately lost his faked girlish voice, almost choked on his KFC before uttering:
“Everybody has something dirty in their closet. Clean your closet and then I'll clean mine.”
Bodybuilding is constantly pushing the envelope as far as excessive anabolics consumption goes. Horse and cow hormones are used regularly among the top
athletes freaks. In fact, when Jay Cutler won the 2010 Mister Olympia contest, he whinnied and mooed at the press conference, stunning journalists and TV audiences alike. An old adage used in bodybuilding circle is:
“If it's good in the stable, it's good in the gym!”
The typical bodybuilding pre-workout shake ingredients (Mix thoroughly as it could go lumpy)
- Forty (40) grams Whey protein powder
- Sixteen (16) ounces cold milk
- Two (2) shredded elephant balls
- Three (3) creatine containers
- One pint (1) fresh horse semen
- Four (4) ounces Castrol motor oil
- Eight (8) ounces concentrated Drano (keeps the arteries unclogged)
The ultimate proof that doping is no longer restrained to minor sports such as baseball and football, it has been recently revealed that the greatest American role model, horseshoe throwing champion Alan Francis, was caught with his hand in the steroid cookie jar! The idol of a whole generation wept uncontrollably at the fateful press conference and admitted his illicit drug intake. He was quoted as saying:
“If I don't take steroids, I can only pitch the shoe halfway to the pole.”
All sponsors retracted their endorsements in the wake of these shocking revelations. Up until very recently, the following could be read on horseshoesonline.com
- Alan is one of the toughest competitors and also one of the greatest sportsmen to ever throw a shoe in tournament play. It's an honor to be making his horseshoes and the shoes pitched by these other fine champions of the sport!
- His level of performance is attributable to his perfect biomechanics regarding the throwing motion and the flawlessness in the Horseshoe pit specially made for his skeletal specifications by HeilHorseshoes inc.
Such heaping praise was hastily removed from the website following the bombshell, but your intrepid Uncyclopedia reporter, facing many perils to inform you in the most truthful manner, managed to get a hold of these citations. Truly a cataclysmic day in the sport, a suicide outbreak has been reported throughout the world as fans could not bear the thought their god committed such treachery.
The Worst Wanking and Entertainment® is owned by Vince McMahon, a muscle mammoth in his sixties who proudly exhibits his 22 inches guns and protuding veins. Considering the above, it is undoubtedly hard to believe the rhetoric so oftentimes hammered by the aforementioned beast that this
sport thing is drug-free: McMahon repeats ad nauseam his wrestlers are taking nothing stronger than cod-liver oil and spinach while he has been convicted of steroid distribution in the 90s. He nonetheless will boast to anybody willing to listen that the drug-testing program he calls "Wellness Policy" (Shameless Hypocrisy) is the best around.
In fact the testing is used to get rid of wrestlers whose contract is not expired and have fallen in disfavor, while the Fürher's buddies like John Cena and Batista don't stand a chance in hell of being declared positive, as long as they continue to perform well.
Chris Benoit was another wrestler who put anabolic pills in his cereals, his beer and his crack. After shamefully murdering his wife and his young child, he at least had the decency to apply the ultimate banhammer to himself, saving us the trouble. The police officers stated that entering the Atlanta house to physically remove the bodies made them gain 10 pounds of muscle. Female agents had to shave their beards for weeks.
As you certainly know by now, Uncyclopedia is all about learning and educating people. After all, that is the reason why you are here, isn't it? So here is the dose of knowledge you can always expect from this site. A great documentary about steroids.