Doom is a video game created in 1993 to simulate Heaven, from the perspective of a Southern Baptist. It allows the player to gun down the most vile of sinners, including gays, abortion doctors, and anyone who enjoys sex too much. It also allows the player to slaughter hordes of satan's little helpers, and even Satan himself.
Birth of Doom
The myth goes that ID co-founder and programming-guru John Carmack was about to go to sleep when he heard his neighbor's dog barking. These barks allegedly triggered a vivid vision of Hell, engulfing Carmack in a realm of hellfire and brimstone. The dog claimed it's name was "Sam," and ordered Carmack to kill people.
Carmack saw a psychologist the next day, who is said to have told Carmack he was "just fucking bonkers." The shrink did, however, suggest to Carmack that creating a game taking place in Hell and in which the user kills people would be the perfect way for Carmack to lose his fear of Sam's satanic will.
Later investigations, performed by id's secret service, proved that Carmack's vision was actually the doing of id co-founder Tom Hall. Hall had apparently been having dinner with Carmack, and when Carmack had turned to watch his favorite scene in a Tom Cruise movie, Hall inserted 14 grams of LSD, 16 grams of methamphetamine, OVER 9000 grams of PCP, 6.66 kilos of cocaine, and a Richard Simmons tape into Carmack's drink, which was an entire gallon of antifreeze. To accomplish the dog effect, Hall had supposedly hung his puppy over Carmack's head with a pole and string. The secret service confirmed that Hall had initiated the over-complicated scheme to get Carmack to program a game in which Hall could use the words "Tei Tenga." Reports from Hall's childhood show an unexplained obsession with the words.
Hall's dreams were crushed, however, when John Romero, founder of such popular metal bands as Pantera, Slayer, and REM, who was also a former exorcist and Marine, refused to allow "Tei Tenga" or anything from Hall's holy document "the Doom Bible" to make it to the final game.
Doom: The Video Game
While the actual definition of the word 'doom' was outlawed under the penalty of firing squad by President Richard M. Nixon, it can be said for the purposes of education that it involves a duck, a speculum, and a noob. Imagined by many to in fact be the path to eternal life, this notion would later be disproven by the untimely and spectacular demise of Erik Estrada.
An entirely different version of doom, however, was an obscure series of art house video-games based on the real life story of tough-as-nails paratrooper Dom DeLuise, the most infamous serial killer and rapist in history. He used to be a chef. BUT NOW HE JUST SITS THERE WITH HIS ASS UP HIS ASS!
Picking up shortly after the slaughter of his family during the Dance Dance Revolution and subsequent psychosis, gamers would guide Doom (so nicknamed by detectives due to Dom's inability to properly spell his first name) through a maze of his own horrific insanity, carrying out the will of fictitious "demons" who, once properly satiated, promised to return his free will long enough to, quote, "lick that cold steel and pull the trigger, sweet momma".
The game was instantly banned. No. Just joking.
Doom was however, although widely unknown to this day, an important landmark in the world of video-games, as it was simultaneously the first, second, third, and fourth 3D game ever made. This was the result of arcane temporal experiments conducted by then-president of Konami, Emperor Wolfenstein the 3rd. While not technically 3D, as the Time Cube engine at Doom's very core could not render such elements as cakes nor lasers, Konami counted on the fact that the people who play these games rarely notice this before being disintegrated on the spot by the stern and vigilant gaze of Ultra Jesus.
Initially, Doom received heavy criticism from nearly everyone, except pixies and unicorns, for its unfair portrayal of demons and stimpacks, but the controversy was soon eclipsed as Oscar Wilde began his bloody ascent to the Martian throne.
It should also be mentioned that Doom secured for its once-humble progenitor, Konami, a position of unprecedented might during the Oda Shogunate, directly leading to the Spider Drought of 1412. Later, during the Comic Age of Golden Books, office workers found themselves mesmerised by the game's underlying Neo-Cubist message, and took to roaming the late-night streets in packs, vowing to throw down the chains of society. Quickly pushed to the brink of extinction amidst a hunting expedition lead by Shigeru Miyamoto, however, the survivors fled west, where they eventually founded Ireland.
Noobs who attempt to play Doom may have fun killing the "zombies" (that somehow wield guns) during the first few levels, but then break down in tears when their player is raped by the 439 demons waiting in the last room of the 4th level.
Many people have tried to complete Doom and failed. Doom can only be completed using the cheats. Fortunately, these are widely available, and incredibly simple. Any player who cannot remember at least one off by heart is hunted down and maimed by other Doom players for being "unworthy".
Doom II: To Hell with Earth!
The sequel to Doom, a new series of Doom episodes, incorporates into the story an attack on Earth by the demonic forces of Dom's head, who due to a break in space, created by experimental portals used to transport snow cones from the Martian north pole to UAC executives, were able to escape. Or so are justified all the sadistic rape-murders of all the nuns, school girls and cute kittens that take place throughout the game.
During the last portion of the game, you descend into what appears to be a fusion of Hell's reality and our own. However, it is later discovered that the player had simply wandered into New Jersey by mistake.
At the end of Doom 2, if the player survives, the player enters a time machine and goes back in time to start the entire game over again, exactly like Super Mario Brothers. This was a clever plan in luring the player to stick around killing virtual things until his/her brain would be numbed to constipated whacked-out-psycho-state that would carry on to the non-virtual world with him/her.
In short, Doom 2 is basically the same game as its predecessor with one new barrel added to the shotgun and a few new guests eating fresh marines for dinner. The final level is the infamous "monster wall" level where you need to input a special code to walk through the monster wall that depicts the image of Colin Powell and shoot a head on a stick. The head is Frank Stallone's. The rumor is that you need to shoot rockets into a hole in a wall but those rumors are unsubstantiated.
Also, Doom II features two secret levels, both of which are based on Wolfenstein levels (making them easy and maze-looking) and are full of retarded SS men instead of guards, as in the original game. Additionally, the second secret level has four hanging Commander Keens, which is representative of id's commitment to destroying the lives of children. It is the only game I can think of where you have to blow 4 identical hanging 8-year-olds to bloody bits in order to complete a level.
Oh yeah, that was a spoiler, by the way.
Final Doom is actually two games in one: Evilution and The Plutonia Experiment. In the first episode, the UAC suddenly buys approximately 360 kilograms of TNT for the Fourth of July celebration of 1995. Hell becomes jealous and, in the spur of the moment, kills everyone in the base. Then you have to kill all of them in return. Horray! Then in Plutionia, the UAC attempts to revive the party plans and buys about 360 kilograms of plutonium (but they can't spell, so it's called Plutionia). The now-drunk denizens of Hell invade UAC again for some more things to asplode. That's when you come in, light the fuse, and watch those demon bastards go kablooey!
Unfortunately, both episodes take on average about 15 minutes and 55 seconds to complete, so Final Doom was considered an "epic fail" by most gamers' standards. In fact, the name was at first "Doom Eleventy", but the game was so pathetic that id had to change the name to "Final" within 2 hours of release. That way, id figured, at least their dimwitted fans would still worship them. However, some id programmers were less than willing to give up...
Doom II 1/2
Also known as Netscape on Earth, it's a non-official Doom game released somewhere in 1998 by some programmer from ID Software. Practically using the same (if any) graphics engine as the first two games, it tells a story of a man working for Netscape who suddenly realizes that his company is overrun by demons from hell and decides to rebel against them.
Doom II 1/2 features five amateur episodes of ten levels each and presents some new monsters such as Telemarkubus, Lost Managers, Zombie Stock Holders, Promodemons, and Hell Bosses that fire underachieving Netscape employees instead of fireballs.
The game was a success in 1998 - 99, until Netscape decided to sue ID for a million-bajillion dollars. ID lost in court and was obliged to ask Satan to give them that much money in exchange for the souls of all Doom gamers. The treaty was then signed in blood and Netscape got all the rights for Doom II 1/2... only to discover that in fact, it wasn't such a bad game!
| It is pitch black. You are likely to be eviscerated by an Arch-vile.|
- Opening message in Doom 3
“Why are there no light switches in this game?! It's so dark I can't see a damn thing!”
“Well this isn't as good as Half life.”
“This wasn't a good idea.”
While under development, a much-publicized internet leak introduced the gaming community to what was to be one of the central plot points of the new game. Apparently, the player would be involved in a lengthy, multi-threaded quest involving the search for a Martian roll of duct tape, a powerful relic from a forgotten time which enabled its possesor to attach a flashlight to a weapon, a feat of which not even the technologically advanced Space Marine Corps was capable because they had used all of their duct tape in the first two Doom games. At this announcement, basement-dwelling gamers around the globe began what was known as the "Mass Salivation of 2004," leading to a boom of business for the paneling and carpeting industries. The developers of the game, however, realized that such an idea would ruin the whole point of trying to scare the living fucknuggets out of the player, and sadly, as is often the case with much-hyped titles that have been "haxx0rzed" prior to release, the idea did not make it into the finished game. It did, however, appear in the sequel, Doom 3 II: Quake 4: The Sequel to Quake II and not Doom or Doom II or "Final" Doom or Quake 1 but with a possible appearance in Quake 3 Arena and its Pointless Expansion Packs. Or whatever the hell that game was supposed to be. Aside from these points, the game mechanics stayed basically the same, except that you could make dead bodies flop around and explode by crouching down and punching them. You could do basically the same thing with the hundreds of Coke cans scattered around the base, but it wasn't as much fun as turning corpses into ketchup.
The most disappointing thing about Doomguy was that he lost his helmet to Master Chief sometime between 1996-2001. He used some other martian marine's helmet in the 2002 alpha, but lost it as well. The demons in Doom 3, unlike their predecessors in the first two games, apparently vaporize shortly after death. This caused a bit of confusion among over-analyzing gamers, who noticed that dead demons can be seen on operating tables and in cold storage throughout the base. When asked why these demons did not vaporize like other freshly-slaughtered demons, John Carmack gave some incomprehensible mathematical jargon about inverse raytracing, discrete cosine transformation, and phase variance modification. After a few seconds of silence, he rephrased his statement: "Less corpses means more frames per second". This was met with much enthusiasm from overclocking enthusiasts, who apparently weren't satisfied with 200 FPS @ 1600x1200 in UT2004 with 16x AA and full Aniso. This is very important, because if you can't get at least 160 FPS, then it means that you have a small penis.
Many players have also been confused on how to kill the new version of the Cyberdemon. At the cost of one eye, the Cybie has gained the power to be invincible to all conventional attacks, even the BFG! Fortunately, it is still vulnerable to the Soul Cube, a perfectly-crafted cube of sugar infused with the holy power of almighty Vin Diesel. A couple of flicks with the Soul Cube will easily kill the one-eyed bastard. Another less-known method involves the flashlight, a 200-kilo slab of dark chocolate, a chipped StarCraft: Brood War CD, and the severed head of the id programmer-turned-zombie John Romero. Even the best of gamers are yet to figure out the latter strategy, but most of them are certain that there is, in fact, a cow level. (Unfortunately, they do this for Auir, not Mars.)
Nightmare Difficulty Theorem
Nightmare Difficulty incorporates the resurrection of all monsters every few moments. The effect is so that even if the player is good enough to handle a significantly higher amount of demons than recommended by the daily allowance (RDA), there still exist other obstacles to overcome, such as insufficient amounts of ammo to destroy resurrected demons.
The nightmare difficulty theorem states that any being who can finish Doom I, II, and Final Doom without cheating on nightmare difficulty, could probably also defeat a grue and Colin Powell at the same time, twice, meaning everyone cheats.
History Of The Doomguy
The Doomguy was born on Earth, on the eighth of August in the year 1938. His parents divorced eight years later. There were many reasons. His mother had become a star in pornographic movies and was selling weed to little kids. His dad had anger problems and had accidentally killed Doomguy's brother. His father had thrown a dining room table across the entire house and it hit the child, breaking his neck. Furthermore his mom had enough with his dad's propensity to bring fecal matter into their sexual encounters.
This caused a deep depression with the Doom Marine and and he almost killed himself. His saving grace was beer. He was consistently drunk from that point on. Much later, he fell into a well and while sitting on the corpse of Amanda Bines decided to join the army.
Three hundred and sixteen years later, in the year 2254, Doomguy joins the United Aerospace Corporation and travels to the planet Mars. A distress call from Phobos Moon Base included interrupted pornography. Desperate for porn, Doomguy and his allies travled to Phobos. On the way, disaster struck. They ran out of beer! Through their tears, they realize they were too drunk to drive the spacecraft and they crashed into the surface of Phobos. His friends told him to stay put, because they didn't want to share the beer they found. However, they found no beer, only a bunch of posessed guys who look like Captain Planet. With rifles. So, they all got owned, and Doomguy, in his impatience for alchohol, goes in after them. However, when he realizes there is no beer, he goes into a rage and kills everything in the base with his fists, like Chuck Norris would.
Doomguy falls into Hell and kills a giant brain with spider legs and crap, and returns to earth. It seems that earth has also been overrun, and when the rest of earth evacuates, Doomguy decides to stay behind and fight off demons so the rest of earth can evacuate, because he knows that he will find no beer on either planet. However, he figures out that if he returns to hell, he can stop the invasion by killing a giant goat head on a wall. However, in a startling plot twist, the goat head is revealed to be John Romero! Due to Romero's death, the universe becomes undone and begins to implode. However, using his fists, Doomguy punches the implosion in the face and stops it from consuming the universe.
He then returns to earth, to find It safe again. He then sees something amazing: A Bar! quickly, he runs in, gets drunk, and forgets everything that jusst happened.
Doomguy will be replaced by Meatwad and the Legendary White Teletubby for Doom 4. Llama.
Doom was the first computer game to mass produce three dimensional areas. Previously, only royalty could afford a full three-dimensional area, while the commoners had to scrape by on perhaps one 5-sided polygon (commonly known as a "pentagram") per week.
The process starts in the fields of Nevada, where farmers hand pick the finest sidedefs. Meanwhile, top quality vertexes are imported from Colombia. Poorly-compensated child workers then weave textures onto the sidedefs using extremely dangerous machines. Oftentimes the child would get caught in the machine and splattered all over the texture, but the factory owner, rather than waste money, simply sold them as the "SKIN" texture set. Finally, everything is sent to China where hundreds of factory workers assemble the raw materials into a finished product. Moving sectors are accomplished by using Oompa-loompas just offscreen, who pull on ropes to make platforms rise or fall.
Unlike most other games, Doom used real models for its monsters. Many actors and actresses became quite famous this way. Ophrah Winfrey was relatively unknown until she broke out in her breakout role as the Mancubus, while Calista Flockhart saw instant fame as the Revenant. Michael Jackson was featured with his appearance of the time when he was ugly (Now he's really gagly! [gay+ugly]) He appeared as the Sergeant, because God forgot to turn the bio-photocopier off, and in Doom 2 as the model of the rocket-launcher wielding skeleton monster in white shirt, the Forevenant. The major exception to this rule is the Cockodemon, which is actually a tomato with a face painted on. Your Mom sucks tomatoes in Hell because she thinks they're cocks.
Doom: The Movie
The critically reviled film, hardly based on the video game that by its self (the movie) lead to countless school shootings, was released in the month of October in the year of two thousand oh five. The gist of the movie is as follows:
The Rock a.k.a The Most Overrated Actor Ever, playing himself, decides to spend his Saturday playing Doom II. Ironically, during a marathon session of some chainsaw action with IDDQD cheat turned on, he gets a call from his agent asking if he wants to be in a Doom movie. After he shits his shorts, The Rock says "Fuck yes, I just shit my shorts." Fast forward eight months, during shooting of DOOM: THE MOVIE. The movie is doing great, with 99% of the shots done in first-person mode. Hell, even the demons come from hell. Pentagrams, triple sixs, the whole shebang. But unfortunately, one of the food service dudes makes a bad batch of breakfast tacos. The Rock loves him his breakfast tacos, and ingests at least thirteen of them in four seconds. He immediately becomes ill and after a few minutes becomes a Down syndrome crackhead demon mabob. A scientist, who happened to be on the set, concludes that the breakfast tacos lead to The Rock's body creating an extra chromosome 21. Insanity ensues, as the Down syndrome zombie demon The Rock runs around Hollywood terrorizing the current IT celebs (at least the ones that would actually accept the roles offered to them) with a chainsaw, until The Rock's co-star in DOOM: THE MOVIE, that dude from Chronicles of Riddick (aka Karl Urban), offers The Rock to a fist fight. The Down syndrome zombie demon The Rock agrees to the fist fight, and the movie ends... with a fucking fist fight.
Or so it was supposed to go. The released version was edited numerous times due to outside legal threats. Only four minutes of first-person shooter content was slipped in successfully. In this scene, Karl Urban wakes up after an almost-fatal heroin trip, and suddenly finds his senses heightened. Upon re-entering the UAC HQ with nothing but a 6-round handgun and unlimited ammo, he soon becomes engulfed in a House of the Dead virtual reality world, shooting various poorly-drawn zombies. The scene ends with the assassination of Sonic the Hedgehog, which might explain why Sega kept their mouth shut. The rest of the movie had to be filled with pathetic drama and low-budget Hellspawn just to make a movie out of it. What's worse is, a sequel may be in place already, considering that the end of the movie consists of Karl Urban holding his sister while riding up an elevator, saying "gg" and "next map sux lol." Oh, the suspense!
After the opening weekend, the film could only be seen at crappy dollar theatres, and even then none of the drug addicts and hand job hookers would pay the ticket price to sit in the theatre it was playing at. The DVD release for DOOM: THE MOVIE followed just five weeks after the theatrical release of the film. It was subtitled DOOM: THE MOVIE: THE UNCUT UNRATED UNWATCHABLE VERSION. The additional footage clocked in at only eight extra seconds, and was made up exclusively of a shot of Down syndrome zombie demon The Rock's shaved nutsack, which was horribly done as Down Syndrome zombie demon The Rock wouldn't ordinarily make so many mistakes in shaving resulting in many miniature Japanese flags dotted around his gentle scrotum. The DVD sales have been lackluster, at best. They're only good for eating, which Our Lord And Master 147th King Of The Universe AND SPACE AND TIME OSCARWILDEISDOINGRIGTHNOWHRIEGBGYIEGUAGVORGVYHIOPGR*KABLAM*
(The Current Writer could not finish due to his Pancreas a sploding) And Now, For Something Completely different...You found a secret!(now look up 'News').
Semper Fi, motherfucker! Faithful to the testicles...oh wait a minute...
- Sarge the rock
- John the reaper
- The yid
Quotes from the movie:
- I need soldiers!! i don't need anybody else but soldiers!!
- But we're marines! <giggles>
- Shut up yid , KABOOM <the yid is dead>
Doom has a large number of fans around the world. Playing Doom was banned by Bill Gates when he found out that all his programmers were spending almost all the time playing Doom instead of programming Windows. Osama Bin Laden recommended this game to his troops, so they could have a realistic way of training, not exposing themselves in open spaces where the US Army could find them.
Custom WADs are a very popular way of enjoying Doom, as it allows the player to shape their own Doom world with cake, gardens or money, effectively making them "God". Some popular custom levels include Nuts.wad, in which all enemies are replaced with peanuts, and Smatijove.wad, based on the Malaysian Bread War and holds the record for featuring the most BFGs out of any level ever made: six.
Hilary Duff is a big fan of the series and plays a lot her custom Doom 3 WAD, in which the monsters' faces were modeled after her former boyfriend Aaron Carter and her arch-nemesis Lindsay Lohan. All the soundtrack's songs for this WAD were performed by Aerosmith and herself, and horribly remixed by DJ Tiesto. Anyway the album was released on February 30, 2007, along with two singles: I'll Kill You, Bitch, and I Love Sucking Your "Plasma Gun". All of this in the worst Doom fashion ever seen.
Many said that the world would end on 2012 when genetic research facilities would suddenly get an electric charge from a short-circuit that erupted from a pole that the new years ball would drop on. And in a shocking turn of events, several monsters from zombie redneck humans wielding shotguns to gigantic cybernetic goats with longhorns wielding military-grade rocket launchers would devastate life as we know it. During the final hour of 2011, there was a dance party going on at the top floor of the Icon of Sin's arena of which the Icon of Sin itself is the monster that spawns the hell-like creatures that invade the depths of DOOM.
In an unknown time after Doom's creation, Doomular backup caused by people returning the game spawned the Happy Cat in a pit full of Soylent Green. He became known as NEDM, and now is the idol of many communities around the world. TitaniumGecko has also been seen using Kuchiyose no Jutsu to summon NEDM in times of need.
Other Doomtastic Notes About Doom
Doom is can also be thought of as a thing that is sometimes impending.
The Doom of this Article
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