Donnie Biccoti: The Life of a Wiseguy

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“Yeah, I met the guy. But I ain't sayin' nothin'.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Donnie Biccoti
“I borrowed a tie from that guy once, lost three fingers in the proccess.”
~ Tsar Nicholas II on Donnie Biccoti
“How do you staple a hat to someones face?”
~ Black Jesus on Donnie Biccoti

A picture taken by Donnie of a cat before huffing.

Long time member of the Callenti Family, a big time organised crime Family, large suspects of La Cosa Nostra (the Mafia), he was a reveared caporegime, feared by his friends, associates and family (with the exception of his Grandmother). Throught a life of sex, Kittens and Rock and Roll he went through much emotional pain, bullet wounds and mediocre Italian stereotypes. After 53 years of rich, prostitute-filled livelyhood, his overwhelming Kitten Huffing habit and his growing fear of cheese led to his downfall. That and internal bleeding.

edit Born Biccoti

Born Donald Francis Biccoti, July 21st 1953, he grew up in the darker side of New Jersey, as they were not able to afford sufficient lighting. He grew up in a small one roomed house, the left side of which was the kitchen and bathroom, the right side the bedroom and entertainment centre, and in the center lay a puddle of water around a centimeter deep which was referred to as the "Swimming hole". His parents John and Marsha Biccoti, originally from Sicily though migrated to New Jersey when hearing of the cheaper prices of floral curtains, were not too affectionate towards Donnie, his parents only giving him words of comfort in between the senseless beatings. Donnie later went on to say his father's weapon of choice was the sock filled with pennies, his mother preferring Roman Candles.

Donnie had only one sibling, a sister named Mary, she was a shy girl who always did good in school and never set fire to the teachers, a hobbie often found in schools. She was always seen as the pride of the family, something that annoyed Donnie and would go on to him putting hits on his sister whenever she was in town. Sadly, Mary's life did not last as long as her brother, the constant paranoia or attempts on her life, led to her "going postal" in the Envelope Factory she worked in. The attack ended with 7 dead, 13 injured, and 57 in a dazed and confused state. Mary herself had shot herself in the leg, claiming to doctors that it had "snuck up on her", she later died in hospital. Donnie was devistated.

edit Chalk and Strawberry Milk

Donnie went to school at St Vinnie's Catholic School in Western New Jersey, where he made friends with soon to be Mafia caporegime Henry "Two Ears" DiSella, and Mafia boss George Callenti. At school they were seen as the "tough guys", strutting around the school yard exploiting teachers for chalk and strawberry milk. He was often feared by his teachers, who would reportedly get to school hours before starting time to dust his desk and put a fresh page of answers there for him to use throughout the day. As the years went on he would continue to get in trouble with numerous teachers, who would contact his parents. His father would often come to the school in a drunken stupor and beat Donnie with a sock of pennies to which the teacher's would protest, though would back down when his father would turn the penny sock onto them.

Cheese oh cheese

The great fear of Donnie Biccoti.

Donnie, Two Ears and Callenti left the school during their 10th year, and started selling the chalk and strawberry milk they had taken from the school back to the teachers. Callenti was always seen as the boss of their gang, some said it was his leadership skills or his defining confidence, but others believe it was the fact that he was much bigger than the other two. Though it was even admitted by Donnie himself that he believe Callenti didn't not have the skill or brain capacity to lead the gang through it's constant hardships. He was wrong, and the Callenti's growing wealth would prove this to him. He was later quoted to say "Damnit".

edit Growing Through The Ranks

Knowing George Callenti was good for Donnie, as he was trying to become more powerful and influential within New Jersey. It was even easier now that he had a gun. It's easier to influence people with a gun. Though times would grow hard for Donnie, as he dwelled deeper and deeper into a life of organized crime he would find that he would get into darker habits. His connections with Callenti meant that he was boosted up to the rank of caporegime straight away, though with this came more and more responsibilities. When he became caporegime he was given a number of troops to take car of, who would help him with heists, exploitation and wife problems.


This is how you play the invisible Mandolin.

There were 5 men in his troop to begin with, Micky "Shovel Face" Marselli, Vinnie "Glasses" Dermella, Timothy "Two Floors" Lavetta, Jilly "Shoelaces" DiCasi and Nicky "Nicknamer" Gennive. All men grew a relationship with Donnie in their own way, some closer than others, Micky in particular shared an intimate moment with Donnie that was always avoided in conversation. Donnie cared for his crew, like they were part of his family, though they carried guns and not socks full of pennies. Though with the growing amount of people joining his crew, he found that it was getting harder and harder to control them. He'd find that he'd be up at night worrying, sitting by the phone waiting for them to call. Soon the stress was overwhelming for Donnie, and he made the choice to shorten his crew, back down to his original 5 guys. It was a sad time for all, many tears were shed as they said their 'goodbyes'. It took off a lot of stress for Donnie, but he knew his crew would never be the same.

edit Knife in the Knee

But it started to go all down hill from there, when his business started to change. During his first years in the crimal organisation, Donnie worked on extortion, prostitution, shylocking and candle making. Donnie had finally made his dream come true, when he walked through the streets people would know who he is, he would find that people would point him out in the street and say "Hey, there's Donnie, the guy who punched my kid in the face 'cause I didn't pay up last week". But though he had many friends, with it came many enemies. Then a little more friends, and a little more enemies. And then a little less friends. And soon Donnie found that he was in trouble, as his smart talk and tendency to put knives in peoples knees caught up with him, when he messed with a wiseguy of an opposing Family.

The man's name was Johnny Colleti of the Bilzetti Family, and he was known for his short temper and hate for the Blue Man Group. Donnie tried his "knife in the knee" trick with Johnny, and woke up the next day with his beloved fedora stapled to his face. After two hours of fear and mind-numbing pain, Donnie knew it was time that he put his knife away in his draw, and lay low until it was safe for him to step outside his house and not suffer from instant death.

edit Never Mix Kittens and Cheese

With the constant threat of death, he started to undergo a sever case of paranoia, and suffered panic attacks whenever staring into chrome. There was one major factor that contributed to Donnie's paranoia, something that would ruin his future forever and would eventually lead him to his early grave. Finding that there was no real money being made anly long in extortion and prostitution, Donnie began to branch out into other trades which many mobsters did not agree with. The illegal trading of Kittens. As Donnie and his crew grew stronger, their access to Kittens became wider, and within a few months they found that they were regularly huffing kittens. Many tried to talk Donnie out of his habit, even put him into rehab and get him some help, but it was no use, he was soon addicted.


A photo of the raid of Biccoti's household, and the evidence of kitten huffing.

Donnie was a very powerful man by now, having committed around 89 murders, one of his victims being Henry "Two Ears" DiSella, his long time friend who was killed for otter slapping. Donnie was known for his gruesome executions, one case was found where he had taken the tentacles of an octopus and used them to tie his victim down, whilst getting the bill of a platypus and clamping it tightly around the victims testicles, the victim died of embarrassement. Donnie liked animals. Though through all of this there was one thing Donnie feared, and that was cheese. No one knew why he had such a great fear of it, though soon his enemies would find out. Donnie refused to be in the same room as any cheese product, and if touched by it would spend three days soaking himself in candle wax. No one knew why this helped, but it seemed to do the trick. Cheese would be a key factor to Donnie's downfall.

edit The Downfall

At the age of 53, Donnie's life threatening fear of cheese and addiction to Kittens caught up to him. That and the several knife wounds he'd received only seconds before. Johnny Colleti found Donnie in a local pub, and stabbed him three times in the chest whilst singing "Girls Along The Road", a habit he had picked up in Thailand a few years back.

Doctors were not able to confirm whether it was the years of kitten huffing, cocaine or the three stab wounds to the chest that had killed him. Though doctor's are reported to have said that it was most likely the numerous stab wounds that would have done it. Though his body lies six feet under the surface of the Earth, probably half-eaten by maggots and hobos, his legacy shall live on for as long as the internet survives. So, probably a while.

edit See Also

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