Donald Trump

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“What an appealing surname for a life in public affairs.”
Donald Trump hair

Donald Trump touts himself as a self-made man, which is more than one can say about his coiffure.

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Donald John Trump, Sr. (born June 14, 1946) is a self-made all-American businessman, political pundit, and intermittent Republican Party candidate who predicted that the United States would face a new revolution if it re-elected Barack Kenyatta Obama. Bankers and casino owners would rise up, he claimed, and overwhelm the masses.

In his spare time, Trump writes storybooks for the children of capitalists. His most notable work is Seal the Deal, about a marine mammal that invests in expensive marinas and opens undersea golf courses in Scotland.

Trump now plans to run for the presidency in 2016, campaigning on the platform of blaming Mexicans for America's decline.

Birth and childhood

Fred and Ethel Mertz

The Donald's parents were The Fred and The Ethel.

Trump claims he was born in New York in 1946, and has copies of his birth certificates available for scrutiny on his Samsung Galaxy. There is a possibility he was also dropped on his head; this could explain the stringy, nearly natural-looking textile that now grows out of the top of it.

Trump is the son of wealthy real-estate magnate Fred Trump and his wife Ethel Trump (née Mertz). He joined the family property-management business, Fred and Ethel and a Few Skyscrapers, Inc., which became notorious because of celebrity tenant Lucille Ball; and in 1971 renamed it Donald Trump, Inc.


Trump routinely settles public disputes by purchasing all the related real estate:

  • When Muslims sought to build a mosque close to the site of the 9/11 attacks, Trump offered to buy the site for $5 million, a move that several imams condemned as "a publicity stunt," as though building a mosque there weren't.
  • Trump is an avid golfer who claims to have a very low handicap. He has bought a golf course in Mamaroneck, N.Y. and has adopted its golf pro. However, President Obama has offered millions of dollars if Trump will disclose his scorecards for the last five years.
  • Trump is on his third wife, a practice at odds with Catholic doctrine. However, Trump has submitted a purchase-and-sale offer for the New York diocese.

Television productions

The Apprentice

Trump is the star and executive producer (and, coincidentally, majority owner) of a reality show on NBC called The Apprentice, whose episodes feature a dozen businesspeople competing to be hired for a one-year contract to manage either one of Trump's un-reality real-estate companies or his fantasy football team in the defunct U.S. Football League. Each show ends with Trump uttering his signature phrase, "You're fired," to one of the competitors, who of course had not yet been hired.

Camera crews follow the competitors as they wait in line to get building permits, insult the slum-dwellers who will be displaced by the proposed luxury condominiums, and bark orders to construction crews. In the final segments of the episode, viewers see into the board room and get an imitation glimpse of the skullduggery with which real corporations make their most important personnel decisions. Losers have to sleep in tents pitched out behind Trump's Servants' Residence. During the seventh season only, losers had to clean Trump's toilet with a toothbrush, which they often had to go on to employ in its more typical use.


It is a tenet of American business to slap the name of any good product onto several other products of lower quality. Thus, in 2005, Trump created the spin-off series The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. He hired self-made billionaire and self-made jailbird Stewart to interview "candidates" who would assist her in everything from laundering intimate apparel to laundering money. Trump and Stewart had a falling-out during the year, based on Nielsen ratings and on Stewart's notorious arrest and trial, in which clips from the spin-off were key pieces of evidence, and the show was not renewed. Stewart, however, has undergone the most spectacular rehabilitation of any person outside Communist China and has returned to chair Omnimedia, a wiki that directly competes with Uncyclopedia, Inc.

In 2007, the series was renewed for a seventh season, but retitled The Celebrity Apprentice. Instead of competent individuals vying for a job in a nonexistent organization, stage actors competed to win money for charity. This was the key to the rise in influence in America of Piers Morgan, who won the initial series by tapping his competitors' cell phones. Morgan distinguished himself as the most competent in a competition where no competence was necessary, and was thus a lock to go on to anchor the CBS Evening News.

In 2010, a spin-off entitled Donald J. Trump Presents The Ultimate Merger gave "candidates" the chance to become Trump's newest trophy wife. Following in the path of industry giants Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who have jumped at the chance for broadcasting outlets with potentially higher audiences than the gigantic U.S. television networks, Trump aired the new spin-off on a nascent webcast outlet called The Spunk Channel. Thankfully, the individual "competitions" are shown outside the "family viewing hour."

Campaign work

Trump knocked off air

Trump's latest attempt to stake a claim to fame was pre-empted by Obama himself with news on the demise of bin-Laden.

Although ever-anxious for greater public exposure than he could achieve through the backwater of network television, Trump has never evidenced interest in government, outside a few retail campaign contributions in cash; nor has he mounted a serious campaign for political office. However, he has mounted several things that resembled campaigns, due to virtuoso use of crass stunts and personal attacks. The key discriminant is that these "campaigns" follow not the U.S. election schedule but the Nielsen ratings schedule.

Trump was mentioned as a running mate for Vice President by Michele Bachmann. This occurred in the same day where Bachmann repeatedly said that the "midnight run [sic] of Paul Revere"[1] occurred hundreds of miles up-river in New Hampshire, just prior to her mysterious disappearance from public life.

2012 primaries

“You're fired!”
~ Republican primary voters on Donald Trump
Republicans on Transporter Platform

At a debate in Nashua in 2011, Trump had little to say on public policy, but uttered the memorable line, "Excuse me, but I paid for this microphone."

Trump made it on stage with the so-called "Seven Dwarfs" who were contesting the Presidency in 2012 at the notorious quadrennial "Politics and Eggs" breakfast symposium, though neither were thrown. While the other seven presented some sort of platform for the management of the U.S. government, Trump's entire thesis was that Obama was not a "natural-born citizen."[2] Finally, Obama released a Photoshop file from 1959 that disproved this charge. Trump declared that this act effectively made himself the winner and wound up his campaign.

Give us more, please

On the eve of the 2012 U.S. presidential election, Trump decided more documentation was needed, and offered to pay Mr. Obama $5,000,000 for the latter's college transcripts (or donate it to Mr. Obama's favorite charity, though the Black Panthers were unusually busy that month).

Trump recently upped the ante to $10,000,000 for a more thorough disclosure. Said Trump, "Rent-versus-buy is a common dilemma of the businessman. In this case, we decided it would be more cost-effective to pay Obama to disclose the information and convert it into a scandal himself, than it would be if he merely disclosed it and my people had to turn it into a scandal."

2016 Presidential election

In June 2015, Trump announced his intention to seek the Republican nomination for the presidency, which he hopes will beat any Democrat presidential contender in 2016. This eventually got him fired from The Apprentice by NBC. Trump started out badly with a loss to Ted Cruz in the state of Iowa, scoring a disappointing second place just ahead of Marco Rubio's victorious third place. He did, however, win New Hampshire ahead of Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, Doc/Sleepy, Robotic and, umm, the others - you know, the Gilmore guy. This helped to kickstart Trump's campaign.

Trump won primaries and caucuses in South Carolina, Nevada, Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Kentucky and Louisiana. However, he did not win Texas, Oklahoma, or, indeed, Kansas; these stayed very much in the power of the Wizard of Cruz. This left the golden-maned Cowardly Liar scrapping with the Tin Robotic Man for second place. Trump also failed to win Maine (which Cruz also won), despite proclaiming himself as 'the Maine candidate' and stating that 'if there's one thing I care about, it's ME'.


Trump is often referred to as "The Donald," which owes to Trump's ex-wife, the Ivana, and her woefully poor facility with the English. Her replacement (bar one) - the Slovenia born Melania Trump - is equally baffling in her adopted language but can always crib from others to get along.

Trump is said to be averse to handshakes, though he claims he shook "a couple of hands" while campaigning in New Hampshire in 2011, "and you know how grimy they get."

Precise documentation

  1. This is actually a bon mot of Sarah Palin.
  2. As though anyone cares: Whatevah! Can we, like, move on?

See also


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