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“What an appealing surname for a life in public affairs.”
Donald John Trump (born June 14, 1946) is a self-made all-American businessman, television personality, political pundit, possessor of one of the greatest comb-overs in history, and the 45th and current President of the United States. He is chairman of The Trump Organization, the principal holding company for the Trump Tower, Trump University, Trump Steaks, Trump Taco Bowls, Trump Nation, and various other Trump-tastic business ventures.
In 2011, Trump caused a media buzz when he predicted that America would face a new revolution if it re-elected Barack Obama. Bankers and casino owners would rise up, he claimed, and overwhelm the masses. Trump ran for the presidency in 2016 as a Republican candidate, campaigning on the slogan to "Make America Great Again," implemented by the platform of making Mexico really crappy — though enjoying the gentle glow of reflected sunshine off a brand-new border wall that Mexico would pay for. Against all odds and the concentrated fire of the media, he actually managed to win it.
Trump claims he was born in New York in 1946, and has copies of his birth certificates available for scrutiny on his Samsung Galaxy. There is a possibility he was also dropped on his head; this could explain the stringy, nearly natural-looking textile that now grows out of the top of it.
Trump is the son of wealthy real-estate magnate Fred Trump and his wife Ethel Trump (née Mertz). He joined the family property-management business, Fred and Ethel and a Few Skyscrapers, Inc., which became notorious because of celebrity tenant Lucille Ball, and in 1971 renamed it Donald Trump, Inc.
Trump routinely settles public disputes by purchasing all the related real estate:
- When Muslims sought to build a mosque close to the site of the 9/11 attacks, Trump offered to buy the site for $5 million, a move that several imams condemned as "a publicity stunt," as though building a mosque there weren't.
- Trump is an avid golfer who claims to have a very low handicap. He has bought a golf course in Mamaroneck, N.Y. and has adopted its golf pro. However, President Obama has offered millions of dollars if Trump will disclose his scorecards for the last five years.
- Trump is on his third wife, a practice at odds with Catholic doctrine. However, Trump has submitted a purchase-and-sale offer for the New York diocese.
- In his spare time, Trump writes storybooks for the children of capitalists. His most notable work is Seal the Deal, about a marine mammal that invests in expensive marinas and opens undersea golf courses in Scotland.
From 2004 to 2015, Trump was the star and executive producer (and, coincidentally, majority owner) of a reality show on NBC called The Apprentice, whose episodes feature a dozen businesspeople competing to be hired for a one-year contract to manage either one of Trump's un-reality real-estate companies or his fantasy football team in the defunct U.S. Football League. Each show ends with Trump uttering his signature phrase, "You're fired," to one of the competitors, who of course had not yet been hired.
Camera crews follow the competitors as they wait in line to get building permits, insult the slum-dwellers who will be displaced by the proposed luxury condominiums, and bark orders to construction crews. In the final segments of the episode, viewers see into the board room and get an imitation glimpse of the skullduggery with which real corporations make their most important personnel decisions. Losers have to sleep in tents pitched out behind Trump's Servants' Residence. During the seventh season only, losers had to clean Trump's toilet with a toothbrush, which they often had to go on to employ in its more typical use.
It is a tenet of American business to slap the name of any good product onto several other products of lower quality. Thus, in 2005, Trump created the spin-off series The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. He hired self-made billionaire and self-made jailbird Stewart to interview "candidates" who would assist her in everything from laundering intimate apparel to laundering money. Trump and Stewart had a falling-out during the year, based on Nielsen ratings and on Stewart's notorious arrest and trial, in which clips from the spin-off were key pieces of evidence, and the show was not renewed. Stewart, however, has undergone the most spectacular rehabilitation of any person outside Communist China and has returned to chair Omnimedia, a wiki that directly competes with Uncyclopedia, Inc.
In 2007, the series was renewed for a seventh season, but retitled The Celebrity Apprentice. Instead of competent individuals vying for a job in a nonexistent organization, stage actors competed to win money for charity. This was the key to the rise in influence in America of Piers Morgan, who won the initial series by tapping his competitors' cell phones. Morgan distinguished himself as the most competent in a competition where no competence was necessary, and was thus a lock to go on to anchor the CBS Evening News.
In 2010, a spin-off entitled Donald J. Trump Presents The Ultimate Merger gave "candidates" the chance to become Trump's newest trophy wife. Following in the path of industry giants Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who have jumped at the chance for broadcasting outlets with potentially higher audiences than the gigantic U.S. television networks, Trump aired the new spin-off on a nascent webcast outlet called The Spunk Channel. Thankfully, the individual "competitions" are shown outside the "family viewing hour."
Faux 2012 campaign
Although ever-anxious for greater public exposure than he could achieve through the backwater of network television, Trump at first never evidenced interest in government, outside a few retail campaign contributions in cash; nor had he mounted a serious campaign for political office. However, he had mounted several things that resembled campaigns, due to virtuoso use of crass stunts and personal attacks. Astute observers noticed that these "campaigns" did not follow the election schedule but "sweeps week" in the Nielsen ratings.
In 2011, Michelle Bachmann mentioned Trump as a running mate for Vice President. She built on remarks of her counterpart intellectual giant, Sarah Palin, who praised the "midnight run of Paul Revere." Bachmann provided the additional heft of praising the citizens of Concord, New Hampshire, rather than a similarly named town fifty miles downriver that was not conducting midwinter primaries. She would go on to have one actual brainstorm: just disappear from public life. Despite her best efforts to get nothing right, Trump was never associated with her.
Trump made it on stage with the "Seven Dwarfs" contesting the Presidency in 2012 at the notorious quadrennial "Politics and Eggs" breakfast symposium, though neither were thrown. While the other seven presented some sort of platform for the management of the U.S. government, Trump's entire thesis was that Obama was not a "natural-born citizen." Finally, Obama released a Photoshop file from 1959 that disproved this charge. Trump declared that this act effectively made him the winner and wound up his campaign, months before the election.
Give us more, please
On the eve of the 2012 U.S. presidential election, Trump decided more documentation was needed, and offered to pay Mr. Obama $5,000,000 for the latter's college transcripts (or donate it to Mr. Obama's favorite charity, though the Black Panthers were unusually busy that month).
Trump recently upped the ante to $10,000,000 for a more thorough disclosure: "Rent-versus-buy is a common business dilemma. We decided it would be more cost-effective to pay Obama to disclose the information and convert it into a scandal himself, than if he merely disclosed it and my people had to turn it into a scandal."
2016 Presidential campaign
In June 2015, Trump again declared himself to be a candidate for the Republican nomination for President — while declaring Mexican immigrants to be rapists. NBC, for its part, declared, "You're Fired!!!" from The Apprentice, which otherwise would have turned into a weekly full-length campaign infomercial.
In the 2016 campaign, there were a full "Seventeen Dwarfs" — senators, governors, a businesswoman, and whatever Jeb Bush was supposed to be. The Republican Party forced them all to sign a mutual pledge to support whomever was nominated. The losers would all renege on it, and no one knows what the winner would do if he had been a loser, though it is spelled Third-Party Candidacy.
Trump won primary contests around the nation, picking up 50 convention delegates at a time before jetting back to the Trump Towers, which is the only place he likes to sleep. Unfortunately, Ted Cruz stayed in the campaign states and began to influence who the actual 50 appointees were, which led Trump to bellow that the system was "rigged."
Florida Senator Marco Rubio remained in the race until a debate in New Hampshire, a state that prides itself on being influential, though its major influence is making Republicans act stupid. Rubio, accused of repeating his stock clichés like a robot, made a point to do exactly that for the entire remainder of the debate. Voters said, "You're Fired!!!" That left Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz, whom Trump masterfully summarized as "Lyin' Ted," not that Trump had ever told a Little White One. Republicans had brief hope for some vintage convention treachery until Cruz conceded, was given time to give a speech at the convention, and gave Trump his clear endorsement, saying, "Y'all do what you gotta do. It is what it is."
To this point, Trump had brought the networks such yuge audiences that they had allowed him to conduct himself with amazing crudeness, including opening a debate by describing the size of his penis. No Republican strategist worried that this power over the media was a gift of the media itself, and all were astonished when the givers took it back the day after Trump clinched the nomination.
General election campaign
The Democratic Party nominated Hillary Clinton, a political veteran who knew that you cannot tell Americans what to believe, but you can sure as Hell control what they are talking about. Consequently, an astonishing array of women stepped forward to accuse Trump — roughly one per daily news cycle. They said he groped them decades ago and ruined their lives, though they did not think so at the time, and none of them remembered it during the entire primary.
Sure enough, argument at America's dinner tables turned to whether Trump was a serial abuser or whether we had proof beyond a reasonable doubt he was not. The last straw was an eleven-year-old video. A left-wing reporter assured Trump that "the microphone is off" and Trump confided that he was so famous that he could grab women by the pussy, something every male voter secretly longs to do. Voters decided it would be too weird if Trump bragged about it but had not done it. The only rebuttal was that Trump had also quipped that he was popular enough to shoot civilians in Manhattan and get away with it, and no victims of that stepped forward. It seemed that "Pussygate" would wrap itself around the Trump candidacy.
Unfortunately, Hillary's operation of the entire U.S. State Department from private non-secure email servers in the bathroom of her mansion at Chappaqua, New York came back to haunt her. The FBI investigated why you couldn't read them with an order under the Freedom Of Information Act unless you were Vladimir Putin. Fortunately, Hillary henchman John Podesta did not have a private server but a Gmail account whose password was
cankles. His diary, stolen by Wikileaks and released daily, did not change the agenda but merely provided the transcript. The FBI for some reason gave Congress daily updates on its investigation. Again, this did not change what anyone believed but got everyone talking about the same thing.
Hillary tried to turn the debate back to the abuse of women. There were only two problems with this, and both were on stage with her:
- Bill Clinton, still wiping his lips on his sleeve whenever a female got up to speak, and
- Jay-Z, doing his platinum raps, such as "I Just Wanna Pimp U" and "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe".
On November 8, polls conducted by the same impartial networks that had snuck Hillary advance copies of the debate questions, concluded that America was seeing a Hillary landslide. Unfortunately, someone began counting the actual votes. While pundits debated the few remaining "paths to victory" among the "battleground states," states like Michigan and Pennsylvania suddenly became battleground states. Experts were astonished that Trump's promise to revive the car factories, and Hillary's to finish wrecking the coal mines, were now factors. Paid television commentators called it the most stunning upset in recent memory — to them, at least.
In fact, the only votes Trump did not get is the votes of Washington Republican leaders, who washed their hands of him after Pussygate. Liberals got right back to work, writing editorials that these were who Trump should put in charge of the White House. Liberals who did not run newspapers had their own role to play, throwing bottles at policemen and stealing HDTVs from Walmart.
President of the United States
All of the above would make Trump — God help us — the U.S. President. However, controversy continued to dog him like a dog. When Trump named Vladimir Putin to run his transition team, opportunistic Democrats started claiming that Russian influence was the only way Trump won the election. Hillary pressed her RESET button, to reset the reset, so much that it broke. Barack Obama, who was living in a retirement home two miles from the White House, said it was provocative for a foreign leader to try to throw an election (unless it was a handsome, dark-skinned foreign leader wheedling Brits to remain in the European Union); the man who scolded Mitt Romney that the Cold War had been over since the 1980s felt a sudden chill in the air.
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Trump got most of his selections into the Cabinet. The only casualty was fast-food executive Andrew Puzder. Allegations of spousal abuse swirled around the candidate for Secretary of Labor, and it did not help that they were made by Mrs. Puzder, and carried live on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Senators looked at one another and decided it was unwise to "go there," but it came out that Puzder had also hired foreign maids, under the table. Puzder protested that the only reason they were under the table is that that is where the dust-bunnies tend to accumulate, but by then it was too late, and Trump would have to look for a nominee with a name anyone could pronounce.
The real harbinger of doom was the "First 100 Days." This is each President's "honeymoon" — before the inevitable arguments about the toilet seat and eventual cheating and divorce — in other words, that wink-of-an-eye in which the President can get things done before everyone starts running for re-election.
But with Trump, Congressional leaders began charting out the "First 250 Days" or even "First 1000 Days." This at least was better than Obama saying what might happen in his tenth year, but Republicans had just spent six years explaining that they could not repeal Obama-care for the following reasons:
- We do not control the Senate.
- We do not control the Presidency.
After voters solved these problems in 2014 and 2016, respectively, Republicans began explaining that they could not repeal Obama-care for the following brand new reasons:
- "Repeal" really means "repeal-and-replace," and during those six years we never thought about what we might like to replace it with.
- Designing a replacement will be part of a three-year process, which will not be complete until after you re-elect us.
- Obama-care put 20 million poor people on welfare, and our solution must not take any of them off it.
- We are starting to like the idea of guaranteed insurance even if you wait to buy it until the day before your surgery.
Republicans were relying on a new MSNBC poll that Obama-care had suddenly become wildly popular. The poll used airtight methodology, although not polling anyone outside the MSNBC newsroom.
Consequently, the First 100 Days accomplished much: Lawsuits, filibusters, final votes on legislation that were cancelled at the last minute, and a bushel of finger-pointing.
Bringing back the 'Seventies
Trump's opposition engaged in continual street protests as though it were the 1970s, a decade in which the Attorney General's wife would telephone celebrities and media members at all hours of the night. This time, though, it was Trump himself, and he used Twitter.
Trump enthused the nation with superlatives and promises, although each was limited to 140 characters. He railed about "fake news," and was the first Republican to include the New York Times in the Axis of Evil. No less about fake opinions handed down from the U.S. Supreme Court. Trump nominated Neil Gorsuch for the vacant Scalia seat. Avoiding the last-minute rush, Sen. Schumer came out against the nomination one day before Trump made it. Unfortunately, his predecessor Harry Reid had changed the rules to cut the minority out of the debate on nominations. The table was turned and the way was clear for Mitch McConnell to change the rules again to cut the minority out of even Supreme Court nominations. But McConnell knew that America runs on good old horse-trading. He wanted to bargain for those 8 Democrat votes, damn it! But he would need to find 8 issues on which the Republicans could lose, in order to be owed a victory on Gorsuch.
The President who had said, "We are going to do so much winning, you'll get tired of it" was partnered with a loser in the House too. Sad. Speaker Ryan had claimed his historic surrender to Obama would "clear the decks" for victory at an unspecified later date. Along with attaching repeal of Obama-care to "replacement," he began to attach to replacement a veritable nosegay of new taxes and welfare programs, as though he had forgotten that his Members had to run for re-election every two years. The firefighters had begun to bicker about the best route to the burning house, and even Americans who were ready for a W.C. Fields as President were shocked that his lieutenants were the Keystone Kops.
The First 100 Days saw a flurry of new laws, each eagerly signed by Trump — virtually all of them renaming Post Offices.
Trump is often referred to as "The Donald," which owes to Trump's ex-wife, the Ivana, and her woefully poor facility with the English. Her replacement (bar one), the Slovene Melania Trump, is equally baffling in her adopted language, but can always crib from others to get along.
Trump is said to be averse to handshakes, though he claims he shook "a couple of hands" while campaigning in New Hampshire in 2011, "and you know how grimy they get."
Trump, apart from claiming to grab women by the pussies, is a profoundly religious man, whose favorite part of the Bible is "2 Corinthians." This is presumably the same chapter that soldiers read on the battlefield during the 2 World War.
- ↑ As though anyone cares: Whatevah! Can we, like, move on?
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