Don King

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The Don

Only in America would a mobster who served jailtime for manslaughter mutate to become a modern day Mother Theresa.

“The value of a man can be evaluated, scrutinized and assessed through the incommensurable and astonishing body of resiliency, virtuousness and righteousness that he shall bestow upon his fellow human being. Just like Joan of Arc and Alexander the Great who were unjustly persecuted, rejected and demonized, I project a radiating aura of solidarity and togetherness that is enthralling, and that's why I'm going to court about my tax fraud charges and I'm gonna win.”
~ Don King

Don King (born August 20, 1931 in Cleveland, Ohio) is known for being the most altruistic and generous person to ever grace the human realm. He is rumored to distribute all his possessions to the poor and defenseless, sometimes even going so far as to sleep under a bridge because all the homeless persons he invites to his estate are crowding the place. He is also a guy who promotes people punching one another in the face.

In a striking similarity with all of the great humanists in history, the Don has sometimes been persecuted by the media, the Justice Department, his business associates, the Boxing Commissions, the Human Rights' Agency, the FBI and the Federal Extraterrestrial Murderers Agency (FEMA), among others.

The sixties

Don king bazooka

Don King (left) and some chick (right)

In his days prior to his heart being touched by the Celestial Light of goodness and godliness, our beloved King was indeed a lost pupil with only greed in his heart. Good Lord, it's incredible how he has evolved from this dark era! He successfully exorcized the evil spirits of his young days.

Just for the record, it should be pointed out that this now outstanding citizen ran an illegal bookmaking operation in his troubled youth, and was charged for murdering two men in separate incidents 13 years apart. But as history proved, such minor skirmishes with the law cannot prevent one from becoming a successful businessman and philanthropist in the Land of the Free.

The first "unfortunate incident" was determined to be justifiable homicide after it was found that King shot Hillary Brown in the back, crushing him under the ultimate banhammer while the villain was alledgedly attempting to rob one of King's gambling houses. It was the first little slip-up our great martyr had to endure. The story of King's mental anguish pertaining to this unfortunate episode would make even the most hardened of thugs shed a compassionate tear.

In another murder case in which even the most Catholic of priests would not blame him at all, King murdered Sam Garrett, an employee who owed him the royal sum of $600 by stomping him to death, registering his second slip-up (and second degree murder). It is the kind of accident that could happen to just about any gentleman possessing the ability to properly bend his knee and smash his boot on the ground with enough force to crush one's skull. The most revolting part of it all is that our modern day Jesus had to endure four years of incarceration for the 72 accidental stomps.

Incarceration

Just as Jesus and Gandhi had to go through the trials of persecution, so did Sire King. His incarceration stint presented him with the occasion to hone his promotional skills, as he quickly rose to be the main pimp in the jail facility. He built from the ground up a contingent of inmates known as "gentlemen's escorts" which would later become so busy with their work that the prison came to experience a troublesome Vaseline shortage.

One such creation was Bill "Mad Dog" Smith, a 6'5" 300 pounds muscle mass whom King propelled to prison stardom after renaming him Jill "Naughty Bitch" Smith and completely remodeling his wardrobe. The fully made-over Smith was quite a sight, especially with pink lipstick and an eight inch long tutu. Of course, our beacon of morality collected high royalties from the use of his hoes, while the hoes themselves were usually paid with an extra ration of beef jerky, if at all.

Boxing promoter switch

Don-king-mugshot

In darker times... He had a barber back then.

The Don decided for some unknown reason that becoming a boxing promoter would open the door to fame and bless him with the American Dream. Incredibly, he achieved a high level of success, making his serial killer career pale in comparison.

He began by promoting Muhammad Ali squaring off against George Foreman in the Congo jungle, bankrupting the jungle tribes in the process while he was at it. But no big deal, our Robin Hood would come back to the United States and redistribute his wealth to needy people, namely the Boxing Commissions, the politicians' electoral campaigns and his own financial advisor. After being a kind of benevolent promoter for the legendary Ali's fights, the great man moved on to plume another bird: Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson era

Realizing that "Iron Mike" was definitely the most mentally balanced individual on the face of the Earth, Don saw his opportunity to move in and make the boxing scene blossom with the explosive skills and badass attitude of his new protégé. He came up with the nickname "Baddest man on the Planet" (not for himself, for Tyson), promised the young lad fame and fortune and the duo was well on its way to superstardom.

There were some proverbial bumps on the road for our two great humanists though, coming in the form of a rape Tyson perpetrated while on a steroid binge in 1991. Sadly, King had to find other people to leech out of for the three following years, while Tyson was getting a taste of his own medicine in jail.

The infamous Holyfield ear-biting buffet followed the demented gorilla's release, ripping off millions of boxing fans worldwide, and the Don declared afterward that both boxers should be paid anyway. Translation: There is no way in hell I am going to refund anyone's money for that circus, and the fighters will get their 3 sacks of potatoes as stated in the small print of their 500 page contracts.

The relations between King and Tyson ended with a bang when Tyson knocked King's lights out in a Los Angeles parking lot after realizing how much he has been screwed over the years by the flamboyant promoter.

IRS fraud charges persecution

King Tyson money

Mike Tyson is pictured here with a stack of dough that will belong to King as soon as the press conference is over.

“The vile ordeal is reminiscent of the unethical treatment that Martin Luther King and Gandhi suffered and courageously faced throughout their blessed existence in this realm. Solidarity, unity and togetherness is a must in our community, and that's why I am going to valliantly put myself in a position to defend the weak and the poor, much like David did against his utmost persecutor Goliath, in an act of gracious and altruistic bravery.”
~ The great martyr of our time

In a nutshell, he didn't pay his freaking taxes and got away with it.

Don King's legacy

His lasting imprint will certainly be viewed differently depending on the people you are talking to: boxers will refer to him as the person for whom they spilled blood, sweat and tears while fighting for virtually nothing. His children will certainly have a different take on the matter after going through his bank records.

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