You idiot, I told you not to read this!
Why You Are Reading This
Even though you're not supposed to be reading this, you're reading it anyways. It may be from one of the following:
- You have a problem with authority
- You are really bored
- You have an insatiable curiosity
- You are a dumbass
- You're trying to get a duck, a fox and some bread across a river and only one will fit in the boat at once. Despite you being a smartass and working out exactly the way to do it without them all eating each other the duck keeps swimming away and it's all you can do to catch the duck and get back in time to stop the bread menacing the fox. You're too much of a coward to just knock one of them on the head so you've got out your laptop and are now hoping the problem will solve itself.
- You're a sick, twisted, sadistic bastard.
Global Effects Of Reading This Article
Hopefully the following will be sufficient to make you change your mind about reading this article. It would be better if you'd just stop reading now though. I SAID NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH!
- Dead ducks
- Famine in China
- Fall of CPC
- Compulsive hand-washing
- Town ponds turned into bread-marshes
- World saved from Bird flu
How do I kick the habit?
The fact that you've gotten this far and are still reading shows you're a pretty dire case. Escaping your addiction will be a mammoth struggle; you against your dark side, honour against depravity, good against evil, a titanic battle for your soul fought to the death by your inner demons. However, if you can't even stop yourself reading rubbish like that last sentence then it could be a pretty one-sided "titanic battle". Do not fear; help is at hand. With the following tips perhaps you (and our feathered friends) can still be saved:
- You can try going cold, ahem, turkey, but I think this is almost certainly beyond you.
- You could smash your computer and hide in a cupboard for a month.
- My personal favourite; give up on this sissy reading, and go kill ducks with your bare hands. The thrill of the chase, the small violent flutter of a duck who knows its time has come, the warm blood oozing onto your hands. And nobody will ever know! The little children will scream at the mangled bodies, old ladies lock their doors at night, everyone talking of the phantom duck murderer yet no one ever suspecting that it could be the nice, naive neighbor <insert name here>.
Ahem, yes anyway I'm told by other addicts (other as in other than you, not other than me since that would imply that I'm an addict which I absolutely am not and never have been) that this method is particularly effective and results in a sustainable rate of duck death even if you never kick the habit entirely.
Keep reading, you might find something interesting
How can I undo the damage?
You can't. You're screwed. Along with thousands of innocent ducks. Turning blue and pink in their agony before the end. This is pain like you could never imagine. Is it really worth reading to the end of this sentence? Too late, you just did. God, either you're an imbecile with no will power or you really hate ducks. A lot. Wow. There go another four.
But if you don't read this last sentence, there may just be a small glimmer of hope left for...
Oh, great! Now you've screwed everyone else as well! And I was looking so forward to that baseball game tommorow.
What would have happened if you didn't read this article
- You wouldn't be screwed
- Those thousands of ducks you just killed wouldn't be screwed
- You would have become a billionaire
- You would have got married
- North and South Dakota would have become a single Dakota
- I would have seen that baseball game
- Everyone else wouldn't be screwed
And you're still reading this, aren't you...