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Domitian (Latin: Flavius Raspberry Ripplus Domitianus; 24 October 51 – 18 September 96), was Roman Emperor from 81 to 96. Domitian was the third and last of the Flava-Flavian Emperors - though a lot of later Emperors liked adding 'Flavius' to their name because it looked cool on the C.V. when applying for the job of Caesar Canis Numero Uno.
edit In the beginning
Young 'Dommy' had a hard life living in the shadows . His soldier dad Vespasian was doing nasty things to various hordes of unwashed barbarians whilst his charismatic brother Titus was having all the fun with a succession of 1st Century A.D. lovelies (of both sexes). Domitian was told to live in the shadows because (a) he was ugly and (b) threw temper tantrums when Titus broke his toys. So Domitian became "a shadow" and applied to join the lyre strumming group "The Shadows" in their home base of Londinium. However even here he was unwelcome and was forced out by St.Cliffordus Ricardus. Domitian returned to Rome to sulk a bit more.
edit Imperial Progress
Despite being morose, bitter and uglier than even his dad - Domitian found out that he could be really nasty in an elevated position as second son of a ruling Emperor when Vespasian got the top job in 69 A.D. Now he could go round and break other kids' toys and be confident that they dare not complain or face a one way ticket to the Circus. He still liked walking around in the shadows and had a "candles out" policy in his wing of imperial palace.
edit Only One More to Go
The death of his father cheered Domitian up a lot. It meant he was next in line for the top job and he knew his brother, the new emperor Titus, didn't always have a food taster on a 24 hour call out. Titus found out one of Domitian's plans to put a killer laxative in his wine and decided that his brother would be a lot happier dead. However Domitian got wind of this (Titus had a touch of bad bowels at this time) and managed to slip in something really nasty in his brother's broth. Titus died with his head down in the toilet.
edit Whoopee ! I am Emperor
Domitian was now Emperor. He asked everyone to keep everything dark and banned any naked flames in the imperial palace. The emperor enjoyed living in the pitch black and thought this made him invisible. He issued an imperial decree trying to stop people from buying candles, a move that upset many contemporary Roman writers who liked to scribble after a hard day beating or sleeping with their slaves.
edit Ruling With a Rod of Iron
Employing a spare Heavy Metal group "Rod of Iron" to help run the Roman Empire - Domitian kept the Imperial show on the road for 15 years! He still wasn't popular (though soldiers, sailors and ambulance chasers liked him) and asked his wife Domitia to leave home when she moved his favorite sofa near to the window and next to a rickety balcony. He also now hated everyone or anything called Titus and killed all those unfortunate to have the name. The memory of his brother's torments had burnt into Domitian's soul. Domitian then decided to take out his anger on theatrical types and Vestal Virgins and when he lost all his hair - made sure that anyone who shouted "Hey! You Baldy" was punished with a very horrid death. The Romans were good at this along with building roads, spanning rivers with bridges and Classical Orgies where you could have a really good time if you knew all the dirty Latin swearwords.
edit The Church
Domitian didn't like Popes much and was glad to continue the tradition that anyone who got that job would die like a martyr. He didn't like any of his family either and had one of his cousins - Flavius Flavius Flavius (But Not Titus) killed for turning on the lights at home once to say his Christian prayers. This upset a lot of people including Flavius's wife Flavia Flavia Flavia (the Romans were not very good at coming up with simple names like Trevor, Elvis or Fifi Trixibelle) . She vowed to get her own back and would do it in the name of religion as Domitian was obviously very, very, pagan.
edit A Nasty Death
Domitian now had a new girlfriend to share his perversions with. Angelina Dominatrix said she would do anything for the thrill of pain - and said she liked inflicting it as well as being on the receiving end. This suited Domitian but invitations to an "Imperial Fetish Night" only brought forward the usual sad senatorial sado-masochists like Publius Flagellus and Decius Disciplinus. Polite Roman society had decided the "Two D's" were now a public menace. This lead to many Plots and plots (upper case for Patricians and lower case for Plebians) in the gloomy palace.
Finally Flavia X3 managed to get her revenge and arranged to have the emperor stabbed in the groin whilst he was reading love letters from Dominatrix. She entrusted this task to a secret lover Stephanus who bravely did the deed - with the help of about half a dozen assistants holding Domitian down.
When they heard their beloved emperor was dead - the Praetorian guard demanded - and enforced a lot of horrible deaths for the assassins. However Flavia Flavia Flavia had slipped away in the confusion and hid in catacombs in and around the Vatican hill. She was granted full absolution from the church but only if she made tea and sandwiches for all Popes in future. In return the church promised Flavia to make her a saint when she died - reasoning that helping to kill a bloody pagan was no sin at all in the eyes of the One True Blue God.
edit Erase Him from History
Domitian's successor - emperor Nerva - agreed that Domitian was a very bad emperor and re-lit the torches. The Senate was very happy and decreed that anything that Domitian had done was bad news and broke up all his monuments and burnt his clothes. His girlfriend Dominatrix was added to the fire as she was even worse news - and had unwisely not gotten her "Catholic Church Saint Sponsorship" form filled in when she could. However her devotees still honor her name today - and remember that the next time you go to "Master and Servant" party - you are celebrating the days of Domitian and Dominatrix.
- The new Emperor's habit of turning off all the lights led to other stories that he was also a lycanthrope.
- Angelina Dominatrix's career previous to meeting Domitian isn't properly recorded by Roman historians but she was known to have been the hottest woman in Rome since Messalina.
- According to Fibius Fabius that is - and no one else .
- A rival account by Juvenile asserts that Angelina Dominatrix was not burnt - only 'singed' on Domitian's funeral pyre and that she lived on until 160 AD. The family tradition of dynastic power politics ('Yes My Mistress ' style etc etc) is said to have continued with her great grand daughters Julia Dominatrix and Julia Miasma in the next century.
edit See also
- Saddo-Masochism - This is not a typo !
- Sex Parties
- Autograph Hunters
- Adoption Junkies