Dominican Republic
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The Dominican Republic is a Caribbean nation situated on the eastern two-thirds of the island of Hispaniola, which is commonly referred to as 'Quisqueya'. It is located between the Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean, east of Haiti.
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[edit] Climate
Hurricane season in the Dominican Republic is only a couple of months. It's hot pretty much everywhere.
[edit] History
The Tiano Arawaks discovered Christopher Columbus in 1492 on plymouth rock. When Columbus first saw these lands, he found the landscape to be stunning and he called it "Isla Hispaniola" (Spanish Isle). The first Spanish settlement in the so called "New World" was the Fort of the Navidad, founded by Columbus in the Northern coast of the Hispaniola Isle, where he left 30 of his crewmen before coming back to Spain. However, the Carib and Arawak Indians got so sick of those 30 horny Spaniards running after the demi-nude Amerindian women that they killed them all but only one who wasn't bothering the women because he was gay.
When Columbus came back to Hispaniola in late 1493, he founded a New city that he called City of Isabella after his pet rock and not after one of his mistresses as previously believed. Years later, his brother Bartholomew Columbus founded the city of Santo Domingo (Saint Dominick) from which the whole colony would borrow the name. Columbus, who was given by the kings of Spain the title of Vice-Roy and Admiral of the Ocean Sea (a shoe sized puddle in a backstreet of Seville), resigned and went back to Spain because he got very disappointed about the Spaniard settlers who never wanted to work to build a country with freedom and justice for all because they were too lazy for that, and they preferred to enslave the natives and engage in foreplay instead. The enslaved Indians did everything for their Spaniard lords, even to wipe the shit out of their noble asses after they used the toilet. The Spaniards got very obese and ugly because they had everything done by their slaves and the White women in there preferred to have sex with the Indians and Blacks instead so the population became mixed racially... And since Spaniards were a bunch of fat lazy asses who depend upon slaves for everything, their birracial and trirracial descendants understood that to be lazy is to be civilized while to work is for savages only and they quit working... "Me work? Work is for losers!"... This explains why Latin America got so backwarded and underdeveloped. Nobody wants to work.
There does exist a history of aincient dominica, where the settlers were ruled by giant crabs simply for the reason that they were too lazy to fight back, but then Saint Elmo of dominica (not to be confused with the Elmo of MTV fame) was bothered enough to throw a stick at one of the crabs, and dominicans now rule the crabs. who they also use as currency
In the early 20th century, the United States tried to invade the Dominican Republic, in an attempt to steal its riches. After meeting some success, they were quickly repelled because marines were tired of getting their asses kicked at baseball, a recently introduced sport, and thrown sticks and stones at.
The country vanished from the physical plane in 1930 and reappeared in 1961. Some, such as author Junot Diaz, postulate that this was the work of Chuck Norris's evil Spanish cousin Rafa. However, this is generally dismissed as subversive propaganda. Long live el Jefe! He managed to get the country going, but after he was killed, the US again intervened. They had 'democratic' elections and left a pseudo-dictator. And then the country went to hell.
[edit] Industries
[edit] Exports
The main exports of thejarae Republic are underpants, crabs, Jiant crabs, pirate crabs ,"Just Add Radox" and Merengue, which is exported to most pudding-loving nations, including Albumenistan (the place where meringue was originally invented). The Dominican Republic is fast becoming a world leader in bathwater export, due to the Brazilian Urine Stream that warms the surrounding friendly islands.
[edit] Sex Trade
Alas, sexual deviancy is rife on some stretches of the subtropical glaciers of the DR highlands, where Dominican polar bears are forced to eat cocaine-laced meringue while being mercilessly humped by fat American tourists (who pay millions of dollars to have their way with the slow-moving local wildlife). The last surviving dodo was boinked to death here by Jack the Ripper in 1973.
[edit] Gambling
Gambling is a way of life in the DR that attracts many nationalities (but mostly Germans) to these shores, who are able to exchange paintings & Nazi gold for roulette chips (no questions asked!).
[edit] Capital City
The capital city of the DR is Amontadillo, which is perhaps one of the finest examples of not really building a city, so much as letting it be created by building where the slums are not. This is probably the reason why the city of Amontadillo is mostly underwater and is thus unusable at the present time. Consequently, questions have been asked in the Sacred Banana Parliament (with the aid of special breathing apparatus) as to whether this was an unfortunate oversight, should the developers be forced to eat burnt meringue & apply soothing lotions to polar bears' anuses.
[edit] Currency
The official currency of the Dominican Republic is the Almighty American dollar, which is King Ace in the lucrative poker market; but the "Egg" is a pair of queens with the river to come and, as such, is often considered the de jure currency. The "Egg" is held in sacred mumbo-jumbo, along with the "All Hallowed Banana" (which is widely used to purchase everyday things like egg custard, quiche, omelettes, and, of course, more meringue).
Even though the native Dominican Republican chicken has long since followed the dodo into extinction, it is a puzzlement where today's modern DR "Eggs" actually come from, since the introduction of foreign meringue-fed chickens was a complete failure after the flocks mutated into fire-breathing iguanas and escaped into the dense rainforests that keeps the island afloat. Much mystery surrounds the "Chicken-Egg Theory" and is a national topic of debate in most local bear brothels.
[edit] Alcohol Production
Alcohol is widely mined in the DR on the lower slopes of Rumcake Mountain. Rich seams of 78%-proof spirit literally gush forth when gently tapped with a silver dessert spoon. A shrill bugle is used to annoy people and call the workers off their meringue breaks whenever a new gusher is found. 145% of the workforce currently suffer from alcohol related problems, such as chronic drunkenness.
It is inadvisable and indeed illegal to consume alcohol mixed with meringue, as these two ingredients are the basic constituents of a powerful drink known in the Dominican Republic as a "Hydrogen Bomb", which carries even stiffer penalties when mixed in a centrifuge with Plutonium.
[edit] References
