Dominic Howard

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dominic Howard.

Dominic James "Dom" Howard (born 7 December 1977)[look it up yourself] is the drummer for the English rock band Muse.

edit Early life

Howard was born in Stockport, Greater Manchester, in England. When he was around 8 years old he was abducted and subsequently sold to a family living in Teignmouth, a small town in Devon. He began playing drums at about the age of 12, when he was inspired by a jazz band performing at school.[WTF?]

edit Before Muse

Initially, Dom was a master baiter. Matthew Bellamy saw him and took him to his home planet of Mars. Since then, the two have been involved in a huge conspiracy to stop other bands copying them (Assassin). This conspiracy has inspired millions of other, such as Chris Martin and his wife, Thom Yorke and everyone he's ever met, George and Laura Bush, and more recently Al Gore.

Dom has many stalkers, with the majority of them from Aberdeen in Scotland, where Dom got his first job as an ICT technician, but then got fired for trying to manipulate students at the nearby college into thinking they were aliens. Dom was then told at his nearby Job Centre Plus that becoming a stripper at a gay bar was the right job for him, due to his firm backside, rhythm, famous oranges, sexual openmindedness and keen interest in hair and skin products.

edit Special Powers

Contrary to popular belief, Dom is actually a Sex God. In a recent interview he admitted to sleeping with over half the female population of Europe, Asia and the Americas, plus eighteen aliens, Captain Kirk and Matthew Bellamy. Every time he has sex, Trojan's stock goes up eight points. He also pulls strangely orgasmic faces while playing that, if one sees them, will make one spontaneously combust. It is also said that looking directly at his teeth will make the viewer have an orgasm immediately. Sometimes at random, whenever Dom engages in sexual activity, the London stock market improves, with FTSE 100 being the main benefiter. One of the reasons why the financial crisis has hit Britain so harshly is because Dom took a vow of Chastity in late 2007, to prepare him for his enrollment in the Jedi Academy in the 2010 intake.

In addition, Dom possesses superspeed (given to him by Matt through his alien space ray) and can play his drums at a speed that will make anyone who tries to do the same immediately hit themselves in the face/crotch. Due to the highspeed and bouncing, they will often also lose their balls. As Dom has testicles of steel this has never been a problem.

“It's very true”
~ Dom's balls on Dominic Howard

Whenever the song "Womanizer" by Britney Spears comes on at any point in given time in any part of the world, Dominic Howard stares at the sun frozen for 3 minutes and 43 seconds. Once the song ends, he and his peers continue as nothing had happened.

Also, his tight, colorful pants have been known to blind people, who are immediately hypnotized by the brightness of them and are incapable of looking away and therefore remain in a state of awe and utter uselessness. This applies to men and women alike and may be the key to Dom's success in getting laid, because he abuses the victims defenseless state and takes advantage of them, as they continue to stare at his ass which nicely fills-out his lime green trousers of choice. This phenomenon has been studied by scientists at Oxford University, as well as on the ISS. However, results remain unreleased thus far, at the instruction of Matt Bellamy, who was the director of this unique, revealing footage. Plans for the DVD release have been announced, stating a 'vague' release date of 2012. Until then, we can never truly fathom the greatness and depth of the powers which surround Dominic and his trousers, creating his famous aura of pure, sexual magnetism. Matt admitted to finding Dom's yellow trousers, "a bit gay," but would still let Dom do him up the ass.

Dom's last secret superpower has yet to be revealed but is rumoured to be about a special direction his hips move, unachievable by any other living being, therefore enthralling Matt, Thom Yorke, Pedro McWonderholme, his drum seat, and every woman that has ever lived. Ever.

New evidence shows that Dom has killed Peter Parker and stolen his snazzy Spiderman suit. How rude. It makes his arse look good though, and Matthew Bellamy agrees it's fun to fuck him in.

edit Relationship with Matthew Bellamy

Despite claims by many to the contrary, Dom does participate in gay sex with lead singer Matt Bellamy. In fact, everything they do is perfectly homosexual, as they make sure to enjoy the post-coital spooning.

Matt actually filmed Dom having sex, once. Scientists are still working to find out if it actually was Bellamy & Howard in the film. Surprise, it was. Oh, it wasn't a surprise to you? Well...

“I heard a squelching noise, so I went to investigate.”
~ Matt Bellamy on Dom having hot sex

It was probably just some lucky girl sucking his dick out of the aforementioned hypnosis of the pants. Nah, just kidding. It was Matt.

edit The PDT'ers

The PDT'ers are a race of Dom-obsessed fans, who are known for their obsessive-ness and run-by gropages. They have been persuaded to do Dom's evil bidding on several occasions, and sometimes fight each other for days to get their hands on Dom memorabilia. They spend numerous hours discussing oranges. Theme tune for PDT is Nine Inch Closer with edited lyrics! They have obscene dreams from Babies (zombie babies which were killed off by another PDTER) to hamsters (James wants to play with James). A normal PDT post will normally include Dom, oranges and/or James, a picture of Our Lord [Dom].

edit Dom's sunglasses

Dom's sunglasses actually give him constant erections. This is why he loves them so and owns over eight thousand pairs. Though he wishes to wear them onstage to block the sight of Matt's arse wiggling around as he plays, it is impossible as he becomes blind onstage. This is an effect of his time spent on Mars and/or excessive orgies. This problem is rectified by wearing excessively tight and colorful pants that can be seen from space and, therefore, Mars.

edit See also

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