From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Current World Influence||A smidge, mostly in bedrooms and dorm rooms|
|Current Active Movement||Coca-Cola, Skynet, Wal-Mart's Republic of China|
|Known Members||Martha Stewart, The Church of Scientology, Lenin, Doctor Steel, Your Mom, James Bond, Pinky and the Brain|
“One should always play fairly, except for when one has the winning cards. Then he should take over the world.”
World Domination, or as it is also known, Making the World your Bitch is an ancient pastime. The first documented occurrence was over 65 million years ago, when a meteor got drunk and crashed a party held by some Mexican dinosaurs in the Yucatan peninsula. While currently domination is not occurring on a global level, scientists believe that may grow from currently existing underground groups.
History of World Domination
Origins of World Domination
Back in the day, dinosaurs were extremely chill. They would do what needed to be done, but no more. And at night, they'd let loose and hang out with their bros. The European dinosaurs enjoyed a fine bottle of cognac before playing a game of cricket. The African Dinosaurs would take a hit from a bong then leave their newly-impregnated girlfriends. Asians dinosaurs would eat rice and build shit.
But the North American dinosaurs partied to the extreme. One night, about 65 million years ago, some of the Mexican dinosaurs got a little too drunk on tequila and drunk dialed a meteor. After pre-gaming with the Moon, the meteor literally crashed the party, killing most of the land-based life on Earth. In the morning, the meteor had released that he had become the Father of World Domination. Albeit hungover, he knew to get his ass outta there, before the World demanded child support.
The Human Quest Begins
Every since man has been able to use fire, he has sought to conquer and dominate over everything in existence. The earliest evidence of this is when Caveman Napoleon's Invasion of Russia actually went a little too far and he and his army arrived in Alaska.
Interesting enough, this would be known as the last French military victory.
However, in earlier times, humans only had rocks. So man worked feverishly to develop new weapons to fuck up other people's shit. Spears and bows and arrows soon became the fashionable implement of death. Prada and Dolce and Gabbana became the industry leaders of high-fashion weaponry. However, this article does not recognize Domination of the Fashion Industry, because that's sorta fruity.
The Human Quest Falters
Unfortunately for would-be world dictators, Ganondorf found the Triforce and the world went to Hell. This led to a time of insecurity among most of Europe's citizens. After Italy discovered the hidden power of Viagra, a good majority of the insecurity faded away. However, based on what they had seen in Africa, several powerful European countries, such as Portugal, Spain, the Mushroom Kingdom, and Narnia, began sailing the oceans looking plastic surgeons. Oh, and the Hero of Time did something.
After Spain, and later the United Kingdom found the Master Sword, it was game over for the world. Spaniards ravished the New World with biological warfare, like Small Pox and Pauly Shore movies. The United Kingdom got Spain's sloppy seconds in the New World, but it managed to get both India's and South Africa's V-card. Nice, dude.
World Domination Today
New trends in world domination have led would-be dictators away from conventional territorial conquest to a more passive approach. This method requires making unsuspecting citizens want and request the person into their lives.
The Big Players
There are several people working toward a New World Order. However, the current majority party is currently experience in-fighting, and factions are beginning to form.
This one should be a no-brainer. Stewie Griffin, a child that has stayed perpetually two-years-old for the past eight years, has wormed his way into the hearts of the television-viewing public. However, since this two-year-old has to no longer fear Dead Baby Syndrome nor Infant Stupidity Complex, he has set his mind to dominating the world. The public has embraced this idea and has begun to wave his banner though dorm rooms across the world. Even some souls have publicly declared their support for Emperor Griffin by wearing black T-shirts displaying the child's visage and even spouting of some of Stewie's more famous slogans, such as:
“When the end comes, your death will be quick and painless.”
“For every sprinkle I find, I will kill you.”
“All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach.”
However, even though Stewie can produce weather-altering machines, death rays, and spur-of-the-moment musical numbers with his pal Brian Griffin, many scholars often criticize Griffin's ability to kill his own mother. Of course, some may argue that he actually loves his mother, and that by threatening to kill his mom, the creators of the show can produce a highly-repetitive and ultimately stale plot device.
No stranger to the television screen as well, Martha Stewart has a slight advantage over the current front-runner: she got her ass landed in the slammer, yo. Prison has toughened her up. However, before that, she hosted a show called The Martha Stewart Mind-control Hour. It was wildly popular, and the best show ever. Man, I love Martha Stewart. She's great.
In fact, I think we should all give Martha Stewart a hug. Golly.
The Church of Scientology
This one is stranger than most. The Church of Scientology isn't after power. They're after your money. That's right, but it's okay, because finding out the number of thetans you have is useful. I mean, seriously. However, thanks to some noble work of some first-class charitable organizations, such as South Park and YTMND, Scientology has lost some of its power in the World Wide Domineers' Party. Faction leader Tom Cruise killed Oprah Winfrey in retaliation, since she lead the now disbanded Fat-asses United, a rival faction.
Oh, Lenin. What a pimp. This guy seriously has a plan. His goal is to make the proletariat take over the world for him. I mean, that's the way to do it. And he got pretty close to taking over the world too. But, the life of a pimp is hard, and he eventually broke his pimp-slapping hand. Stalin had to put seventeen bullets into Lenin before he died.
But even from beyond the grave, Lenin has followers: Hippies. Let it be known that Lenin advocated taking showers; Hippies are just afraid of water and responsibility.
How Can I Take Over the World?
Scientists are currently working on a home method of world domination. It's scheduled for release in December 21, 2012, and you'll need to upgrade your video card and RAM just to run it. Not to mention that it severally rips off the GUI and features of Globalization and the open-source Liberalization.