HowTo:Beat your wife

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Disobedient woman in need of beating.

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“If you can't join them, beat them.”

~ J. Edgar Hoover on Women

“A dog, a woman and a walnut tree, the more you beat 'em the better they be.”

~ Rhyming Quincy on his jail sentence for beating his wife

So your wife vehemently says, "You know what [insert name]? Fuck you!" after you innocently ask her to "lend me your credit card to order internet porn". Or perhaps she growled "What the bloody hell?" after you relocated her make-up (into the trash) for your impressive collection of pornographic magazines. Or maybe she even protested "For the love of all that's holy, please stop!" when you pushed her into a corner and showed off the awesome power of your dick by repeatedly beating her in the face with it.

But what do you do now? She, as the supposedly obedient female, has openly disobeyed the man's superior orders. What do you do now that she, through not obeying, now has you by the short and curlies? You, as a male, have a duty to reclaim your manhood status and assert the superiority of your gender through the best method possible... violence.

edit So you're going to beat your wife

Having one means you are always right (actual labeling and words are irrelevant).

First of all, Good for you!! That bitch deserves it (no matter what your reasoning tells you). Remember, having a dick automatically makes you right. Conversely, having a vag means you're always wrong. Before you can start the beating, there's a couple of things you'll want to do. Make sure you're not incredibly overweight and have enough dexterity in your hands to be able to grip things (a club, your wife's neck, your penis) or this will be much more difficult.

edit Possible Meritable Weapons

Anything can be used to smack the bitch down, but the following is a list of preferred weapons.

• Belt: Easily acquired and painful if used right. Improper flicks of the wrist may cause the belt to double back and smack you in your damn face. Make sure that trousers do not fall down when belt is removed or you may leave yourself wide open to an attack on your unguarded genitals.
• Club: Much more effective and damaging than the belt. Can also be used to club baby seals. This is significantly harder to acquire. Check your local pawn shop.
• Fists: Most convenient of all weapons. Use caution; improper technique may lead to injured or broken fingers. Accidental slip-ups may cause fist to be irretrievably lost inside the vagina.
• Phone-book: While asserting your dominance similarly to the fist, the common household phone-book does not leave bruising or welts and thus will much less likely cause you to be charged with domestic violence.
• Penis: Effective, poetic and just plain awesome. This technique is largely reserved for whites not coloreds/darkies as they have the ability to break things with their larger than life tools. Asians are simply under equipped for these purposes.
• Car: Very powerful, but has a tenancy to cause massive collateral damage if wife is inside your house.
• Another female: Stand the two women together and throw your voice. Make it look like they called each other 'skank'. Hilarity (and sometimes a great deal of eroticism) ensues.
• Headbutt: Drop the nut on her. Make sure you're not wearing the helmet with the giant iron spike on though, we don't want her dead, just beaten. After all, dinner is not gonna cook itself.
• Rake: A long pole with metal prongs at the end of it. Who wouldn't want to use this? Make sure you don't get it caught in her hair as it could be difficult to retrieve.

edit Techniques

While it is perfectly okay to use the Traditional Slap-across-the-cheek, it is very clichéd and trite. Done too often, you will not instil fear but may cause her to counter-attack with greater force. To prevent such a travesty, men, most notably those hailing from impoverished Eastern European countries, have developed a series of potent anti-woman techniques:

edit The Eighteen Dragon Fist

Martial artist Zhang Yi Ling seeks more women to beat.

Called by its creators, "Xiang Long Shi-Ba Zhang," this technique was originally developed by a caste of elite beggar martial artists in China. Further developed in the famous Chinese Shoaling Monastery, it quickly became an incredibly potent wife-beating technique. Largely focused on hitting all eighteen pressure points on the human body in rapid succession; successfully employing this tactic instantly defeats your target. It is difficult to execute because it requires long years of seclusive training... and after mastering, you wouldn't have had time to find a wife and get married.

edit The Final Atomic Buster

Zangief and buddies prepare to beat their wives after losing singing contract to Dschinghis Khan.

Practiced by a famous Russian Street Wrestler, this technique is simple to execute and extremely potent. Anyone with some balls can do it. First, ask one of your wife-beating friends for help. Don't be shy, wife beating is one of the best ways for males to bond without turning gay. After you've secured help, start the move by repeatedly punching at the air until you've charged your HYPER COMBO bar to at least level two, then lunge toward the disobedient in a slow bear hug. If your grab is successful, your partner will also grab her, at which point both of you must jump to a ridiculous height before you come spinning down with the wife at the bottom. This move is very powerful and should be used sparingly. (Save it for flagrant occasions like when she asks you to take out the garbage).

edit The Dragon Ball Z

"Aaaaaaaaah! Damn you woman!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! You take out the trash!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!"

Hailing from Japan, this powerful move is more bark than bite. When executed properly, it'll scare the living hell out of the wife, neighbors, passersby, and a good portion of neighborhood pets. Before engaging this technique, it is suggested you have water handy.

Begin the technique rapidly trading blows with your wife as fast as you can. If done correctly, both your sets of hands will disappear into "speed lines" meant to designate rapid motion. Pause on separate rocks (or in mid-air if you can fly, noob) panting like madmen. When you're done wasting your time, it's time to charge up - open your mouth and yell out whatever the hell you want at the top of your lungs for as long as you want your aura will be visible if its done correctly. For the final attack, concentrate your energy (Ki/Qi or whatever) and shape a ball, after creating a big enough sphere, blast it from your hand with force to your wifes head, it will explode and she'll probably dead. For more power, use your both hands and scream as loud as you can "kamehameha" if you can remember it.) It should be noted this technique, like most Japanese things, doesn't work that well, except you are Asian.

edit Crippler Crossface

Easy. Get them into a Crippler Crossface.

edit Beat'em Cent less

First, go to the banks change a Hundred dollar bill in quarter rolls. Step 2: Take said quarter rolls, and when then bitch spends to much put them into her purse. Step 3: Beat her with her own purse to make you wife know not to do this again.

edit Giga Gut Breaker

Raise your fist in the air and allow it to grow several times larger. Once your fist is large enough, launch forward at the offending woman and land a direct blow to her gut. Be warned, an explosion will follow no matter what you do, so do not do this near your expensive car or pool table.

edit Other Techniques

Disobedient female questioning your commands.

• Five Across the Eyes. A very basic maneuver, usually enough to cover most situations when your wife is out of line. Put four fingers tightly together and leave the thumb to the side or fold behind the other four fingers. Smack your bitch across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part. Make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your wife think you're a pussy.
• The Sucker Punch. Just ask "Hey, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.
• The Yard Stick. Also known as The Meter Stick. This is a good general purpose beating because the stick usually doesn't last beyond three or four good whacks. Usually enough to send the message.
• The One-Two Shut-the-Hell-Up. This is priceless when you're shopping and your wife won't shut the hell up. "I'm bored, I want this, I need my Insulin, Carry my purse..." etc. Smack your bitch (The Five Across the Eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your wife to start crying, then smack the slut again to let her know you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.
• The 2 x 4 / PVC pipe. If you do your job as a husband, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (any time your wife comes home and begins a sentence with "I might be pregnant..." or " I’ve just……fill in the blank...."). The threat of this beating is enough to keep your wife from screwing up.

"You're this close to getting your face beat in by my surgically implanted metal penis."

• The Dragon Kick. If you're interested in a permanent solution to your wife giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning the house or filing your tax return, the Dragon Kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee you will only have to ask once after the Dragon Kick has been administered.
• The Skull Thump. A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your wife up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your wife to perform oral sex, when she makes a mistake. Hitting your wife when she is learning builds confidence or......undermines confidence. I can't remember which.
• The One Handed Chauffeur Reach Around. A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your wife if she disrespects. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.
• The Cane Intercept. If you're too old to chase your wife around the house, use the handle of your cane to trip her when she tries to get away. When she gets up, poke her in the head a few times to let her know who's boss.
• The TR. Grab your belt and tie it around her neck, pull her face in tight and lock her in. Proceed to violently shove your (preferably large) manhood down her throat and ravage her throat over and over with your endless rage! This is very effective and leaves little visible marks considering most of them will be on the inside and thus un-see-able. Also it feels awesome when you release your massive load (like a hand grenade) into her lungs and small intestines as your children feed on her innards with the unquenchable thirst of a black whore addicted to crack.
• "'Alcoholics Anonymous"'. First you obtain an empty bottle of whiskey. One that you have just drained yourself. You then proceed to smash the bottle on the nearest table, and grab the female by her hair and throw her to the ground with the broken bottle to her neck. You then continue to scream "DIE DIRTY NIGGER BITCH" as you repeatedly cry, and sob while biting yourself. You then move her into the bathroom where you force her to drink out of the toilet, and bash her head off of the rim of the bathtub, you then force her to the ground where you finish off by having your way with her as she calls you "The Big Steve"
• The Blue Whale Beat Down. So you take your wife to Sea World because sharks are inherently awesome and the sheer fact that you might see something die is always arousing. Your wife is being lame and whining about how you shouldn't tie the kids up outside the public bathroom while you get drinks in the Ora Lagoon. Quiet her with a quick-as-a-shark back hand and walk inside and get a drink and some whale chow. Now is when you need to assert your authority. Take your freshly bought whale ribs and beat her up and down the facial regional until she makes sounds like a blue whale mating call or until you run out of unbroken whale ribs. Finish with a Oreo Cookie dessert, because dessert rocks.
• The Sack of door knobs. Take doorknobs and place them inside of a sack and then hit the bitch with them.
• The Farm Hand - The most American of all wife beating techniques. If that bitch gets especially whinny then unleash the Farm Hand upon her. Spread your hand out as if your going to give a high-five. Then run at top speed and shout, " ' MERICA!!" , as loud as you can. As you scream this grasp your wife's ignorant face and slam it into a pile of shit. Cow-shit is the preferred choice in this situation, however your own feces can be used in dire situations. (NOTE: While executing "The Farm Hand" make sure that either the 'Star-Spangled Banner' or 'God Bless America' is playing in the background. This really drives home the patriotic feel of smashing that whores face in).
• The Hot Carl. If your into bodily fluids, this is the technique for you! First acquire a white tube sock. (any other type of sock would just make a mess) Once said tube sock is acquired take an especially large dump into the sock, it helps if the feces is solid rather than mostly liquid. Once the poop is all inside the sock attempt to isolate the poop at the bottom of the sock, a rubber band is great for this. When your diabolical creation is complete, it is best to strike after your female exits the bathroom after a shower. Its best to aim for the face but usually any body part will suffice. (NOTE: IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT THE FECES IS STILL WARM WHEN YOU ATTACK!!)

edit The You're Going Straight to Hell for This

Did you know...

That this method is similar to squirting water through a tire?

This unholy technique should never ever be used except for the most dire circumstances. Involving both goatse and tubgirl and your wife, this technique is so terrible that it is, in fact, incredibly difficult to describe. However, that doesn't mean it isn't possible for the dedicated wife-beater.

However, since I am, at best, a half hearted wife-beater, I won't bother mentioning the full details.

edit What if she leaves me?

The chances are that she wont leave you, she will be way too afraid to. Because if she does you'll just beat her harder and more than ever.