From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I'll kill you using a dolphin, then kill you again with my teacup.”
“You have failed me for the last time.”
“Dolphins are just gay sharks.”
“Sharks are the retards of the sea”
“Dolphins? I fucking hate dolphins. What good do they do? Nothing, I tell you.”
“So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
“The most incredible being that can talk and swim at the same time.”
“Dolphin's are the only creatures, other than man, that can feel sexual pleasure. Heh heh heh heh 'sex' heh heh”
“If they're so clever, why don't they stop fucking around in the water and solve global warming???”
You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the NY strip steak of the sea.
Next time you vacation to the east coast - Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.
Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!
Dolphins were invented by the god Dionysus in 5 B.C. during one of his all-night drinking binges (He claims he did it because he was feeling unusually horny that night.) Dolphins are the second smartest speices on the Earth, but as mentioned above, very stupid... yeah makes you think doesn't it("Think" is a loose term here); they fall just below mice and just above humans as shown by my misspelling of "species."
Dolphins were once considered as mammals, but it has recently been confirmed that they are actually fish. This conclusion has been reached by a recent study commissioned by Australian prime minister Paul Hogan. That study dispelled many popular myths such as:
- Dolphins breath air - this is not true, they actually absorb all of the oxygen they need from their food, the gas leaving the blowhole is simply waste gasses from digestion.
- Dolphins give birth to live young - actually dolphins lay eggs however these eggs are cleverly disguised as floating bottles.
- Dolphins are warm blooded - the appearance of this is due the acid on the skin of the dolphin reacting with the thermometer increasing it's temparature.
Swimming with dolphins
Quite probably the most overrated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience.
Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and thats your lot. I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as Carlisle, or even Dent.
A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay.
Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas
“I was raped by Simon Cowell. But I grew to enjoy it.”
“Dolphins are great lovers. just ask my mom, sister, brother, and everyone in my family, including me.”
Dolphins, like hippies, do not have sex. They have marathons. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.
The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket. Quote: "Careful. Those dolphins look horny."
“Aim higher and higher! That's where the fun is. ”
“Fully Experience the joy of dolphins.”
Dolphin intelligence has been massively over-rated by scientists, because if dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos? This is because scientists are easily tricked by sycophancy and dolphins pander to their egos. The dolphin will constantly nod along to whatever the "scientist" says and is always ready to laugh its annoying little laugh.
Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of Law, just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.
“The truth is, dolphins are all terrorists, like ex-baseball players or judges from Dancing With the Stars. Think about it. They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases. Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather. They have powers like that because they are control freaks.”
It's true. You know the Nazis? Hitler was a figure-head.
The Great Uprising '97
A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lasers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.
Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.
Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.
“Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.”
“The truth is, Dolphins are stupid. Just like Dolphin-likers. Kill them all.”
“They're just another thing to take the white women away.”
“Dolphins are a lie created by the government to make money.”
“Dolphins got dick-shaped face and are quite stupid contrary to what you can see in movies. Indeed, movies are made to entertain so obviously the stupid dolphins are forced to act as clever. Dolphins usually follows people in their boat because once again they are stupid and many of them die chopped by boat's engine. Dolphins do not have dicks. To reproduce they insert their dick-shaped faced into the asshole of each other and will start making strange sounds. People thought these cries occurred when the dolphins are communicating with each other but in fact they are the cries of pain when receiving dick-shaped faces into their holes. Dolphins don't have necks and their body shape is like Quasimodo, that is, they are curved. If you want to kill a dolphin you just have to take a boat and run into them. The stupid animal will watch you come, crash against the boat and die.”
“Dolphins are the nerds of the sea.”
“THEY VILL MAKE UN DELICIOUS TREAT!”
List of famous Dolphins
- Micheal Phelps
- George W. Bush
- Helio Castroneves
- The entire population of Rhodesia
- Randy Jackson
- Fishi Sprague
- Lori Deuce
- Owen Wilson
- Adam D.
- Skippy the bush kangaroo
It should be noted some dolphins are actually gay sharks.
- Killer whale
- Free Willy
- Big Pond
- Dolphin uprising
- Che Guevara
- Michael Phelps (half-dolphin)
- Why?:Take Your Fish To Work
- Porpoise of Life
- National Fail League
- Daunte Culpepper
- Dolphin uprising
- Laser Dolphins
And in Conclusion
SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH