Dolphin

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[[Image:dolphinriding.jpg|right|thumb|Dolphin Riding, a very dangerous extreme sport. '''Children: do not try this at home'''.]]
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{{Taxobox
  +
| boxtype = animal
  +
| name = ''Dolphin''
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| image = dolphinriding.jpg
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| caption = A rare three-wheeled dolphin.
  +
| biname = [[Free Willy|Dolphinus smarteae]]
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| pri_arm = [[Soundwave|Sonar blaster]]
  +
| power = Sonar hypnosis
  +
| hp = 5000
  +
| mp = 1000
  +
| strength = 2000 kilowatts
  +
| intel = [[James Bond|MI6]], [[Einstein]]
  +
| weight = 110 Lb.
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| length = 2.8 meters (9 feet)
  +
| special = Squeak-Squeak-Chittery-Squeak
  +
| conserv = ''[[Rat|Pestilence]]''
  +
}}
  +
You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, '''dolphins''' are the club steak of the sea.
   
You've heard the expression "[[chicken of the sea]]"? Well, '''dolphins''' are the NY strip steak of the sea.
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Next time you vacation to the east coast...Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.
   
Next time you vacation to the east coast - Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly [[dolphin]] boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.
+
Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of [[shrimp]] (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!
   
Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!
+
Dolphins have long been known by the intergalactic federation of Vogons to be the second smartest creatures to inhabit earth, after mice. Humans fall in third place, much to our dislike. It is this reason that we were not able to know of the impending doom of the earth, and had to wait until some Arthur Dent guy made the Magratheans create Earth II.
   
Dolphins were invented by the god [[Dionysus]] in [[5 B.C.]] during one of his all-night drinking binges (He claims he did it because he was feeling unusually [[horny]] that night.) Dolphins are the second smartest speices on the Earth, but as mentioned above, very stupid... yeah makes you think doesn't it("Think" is a loose term here); they fall just below mice and just above [[humans]] as shown by my misspelling of "species."
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Dolphins enjoy smothering themselves with mayonnaise and being eaten by [[humans]], despite what many [[hippy|environmentalists]] believe.
 
Dolphins were once considered as mammals, but it has recently been confirmed that they are actually fish. This conclusion has been reached by a recent study commissioned by Australian prime minister [[Paul Hogan]]. That study dispelled many popular myths such as:
 
*Dolphins breath air - this is not true, they actually absorb all of the [[oxygen]] they need from their food, the gas leaving the blowhole is simply waste gasses from [[digestion]].
 
*Dolphins give birth to live young - actually dolphins lay [[eggs]] however these eggs are cleverly disguised as floating bottles.
 
*Dolphins are warm blooded - the appearance of this is due the acid on the skin of the dolphin reacting with the thermometer increasing it's temparature.
 
 
Dolphins enjoy smothering themselves with mayonnaise and being eaten by [[you|tuna]], unlike many [[hippy|environmentalists]] think.
 
   
 
==Swimming with dolphins==
 
==Swimming with dolphins==
[[Image:Thedolphins.jpg|right|thumb|178px|[[Axl Rose]] demonstrates how to do it.]]
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[[File:Thedolphins.jpg|left|thumb|[[Axl Rose]] demonstrates how to drown with dolphins]]
 
Quite probably the most overrated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience.
 
   
Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and thats your lot. I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as [[Carlisle]], or even [[Dent]].
+
Quite probably the most under estimated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience. Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and that's your lot (NOT REALLY). I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as [[Carlisle]], or even [[Dent]].
   
A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay.
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A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay. In 2010 Flipper "The Ripper" Manson,resident of a South Florida dolphinarium was found guilty of disembowelling four tourists and castrating two others with his unusually long corkscrew-shaped tongue. Sentenced to death in the electric chair, Flipper pleaded justifiable homicide in the face of extreme provocation and remains on Death Row awaiting the results of his appeal.
   
   
 
==Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas==
 
==Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas==
[[Image:Putinbrain_vs_dolphins.jpg|thumb|right|230px|Putin playing with his dolphin pets in his mansion.]]
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[[File:Suck my Face Flipper.JPG|thumb|Wanna suck my face, Flipper? Hey! ''Reggo gny kongue! Reggo!'']]
   
  +
{{Q|Dolphins are great lovers. Just ask my mom, sister, brother, and everyone in my family, including me.|Troy McClure|Dolphins}}
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Dolphins are manically [[hypersexual]] and will [[rape]] [[divers]] if excited, as in the movie [[Cocoon]]. It makes you wonder what dolphin trainers do in their free time.
   
{{q|I was raped by [[Simon Cowell]]. But I grew to enjoy it.|Anonymous Dolphin|Simon Cowell}}
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Dolphins, like hippies, have sex for pleasure. They have marathons. In fact they are the only other animals that have sex for pleasure except humans, dogs, cats, horses, monkeys, gophers, armadillos, whales, jellyfish, worms, tree frogs, marmoset, seals, mice, deer, hyena, antelope, digimon, leopards, fish, sea anemone, crocodile, naked mole rats, parrots, albatross, flamingo, hawks, wolves, butterfly, mosquitoes, zebra, sloths, turtles, bees, ants, lizards, snakes, werewolves, vampires, mummies, gnomes, and platypus. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.
{{Q|Dolphins are great lovers. just ask my mom, sister, brother, and everyone in my family, including me.|Troy McClure|Dolphins}}
 
Dolphins are manically [[hypersexual]] and will [[rape]] [[divers]] if excited, as in the movie [[Cocoon]]. It makes you wonder what dolphin trainers do in there free time.
 
   
[[Image:Dolphin rape.gif|thumb|left|[[bestiality|It's ok if they start it right?]]]]
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The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket.
 
Dolphins, like hippies, do not have sex. They have marathons. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.
 
 
The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket. Quote: "Careful. Those dolphins look horny."
 
 
{{Q|Aim higher and higher! That's where the fun is. |"Tour Guide"|Dolphins Jumping}}
 
 
{{Q|Fully Experience the joy of dolphins.|Generic Vacation Planner|Dolphins}}
 
   
 
==Intelligence etc==
 
==Intelligence etc==
[[Image:Smithporpoise.png|left|thumb|200px|"Because as we both know,Mr. Anderson, without porpoise, we cannot exist.]]
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[[File:Smithporpoise.png|left|thumb|200px|"Because as we both know, Mr. Anderson, without [[pun|porpoise<!--Yeah, this a pun, dude.-->]], we cannot exist.]]
Dolphin intelligence has been massively over-rated by scientists, because if dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos? This is because scientists are easily tricked by sycophancy and dolphins pander to their egos. The dolphin will constantly nod along to whatever the "scientist" says and is always ready to laugh its annoying little laugh.
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Dolphin intelligence has been massively underestimated by scientists. They Are Actually the world's second smartest beings, the first of course being mice.
   
 
Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of [[Law]], just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.
 
Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of [[Law]], just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.
   
{{Q|The truth is, dolphins are all terrorists, like ex-baseball players or judges from Dancing With the Stars. Think about it. They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases.
+
They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases.
 
Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon [[ur mom|that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather]]. They have powers like that because they are [[BDSM|control freaks]].|Crazy Old Man|Dolphins}}
 
Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon [[ur mom|that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather]]. They have powers like that because they are [[BDSM|control freaks]].|Crazy Old Man|Dolphins}}
   
It's true. You know the Nazis? Hitler was a figure-head.
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They were also the only ones who knew of the end of the world, saying "So long, and thanks for all the fish.
   
 
==The Great Uprising '97==
 
==The Great Uprising '97==
[[Image:Dolphin.jpg|thumb|How not to swim with dolphins]]
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[[File:Dolphin.jpg|thumb|How not to swim with dolphins]]
 
A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lasers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and [[w:c:newzealand|New Zealand]], although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and [[Rugby]] players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until [[Robochrist]], the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.
 
A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lasers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and [[w:c:newzealand|New Zealand]], although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and [[Rugby]] players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until [[Robochrist]], the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.
   
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Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.
 
Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.
   
==General Opinion==
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==The disappearance of dolphins==
   
  +
Dolphins disappeared from the earth after humans accidentally misinterpreted their last warning of the impending destruction of earth as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner. The message was of course 'So long, and thanks for all the fish' (cue music).
  +
  +
==General Opinion==
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[[File:TigerDM2805 468x472.jpg|thumb|270px|'''The ''Malaysian Tiger Dolphin'' is the most feared Dolphin. Discovered in 1985 by marine biologist [[Carl Sagan]], the "Terror Dolphin", as it is commonly known, usually travels in packs of 40 or more.''']]
 
{{Q|Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.|America|Dolphins}}
 
{{Q|Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.|America|Dolphins}}
   
{{Q|The truth is, Dolphins are stupid. Just like Dolphin-likers. Kill them all.|The Japanese|Dolphins}}
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{{-}}
 
{{Q|They're just another thing to take the white women away.|Racists|Dolphins}}
 
 
{{Q|Dolphins are a lie created by the government to make money.|Paranoia|Dolphins}}
 
 
{{Q|Dolphins got dick-shaped face and are quite stupid contrary to what you can see in movies. Indeed, movies are made to entertain so obviously the stupid dolphins are forced to act as clever. Dolphins usually follows people in their boat because once again they are stupid and many of them die chopped by boat's engine. Dolphins do not have dicks. To reproduce they insert their dick-shaped faced into the asshole of each other and will start making strange sounds. People thought these cries occurred when the dolphins are communicating with each other but in fact they are the cries of pain when receiving dick-shaped faces into their holes. Dolphins don't have necks and their body shape is like Quasimodo, that is, they are curved. If you want to kill a dolphin you just have to take a boat and run into them. The stupid animal will watch you come, crash against the boat and die.|Encyclopedia Dramatica Writers|Dolphins}}
 
 
{{Q|Dolphins are the nerds of the sea.|Sharks|Dolphins}}
 
 
{{Q|THEY VILL MAKE UN DELICIOUS TREAT!|Nazis|Dead Dolphins}}
 
 
==List of famous Dolphins==
 
 
*Micheal Phelps
 
*George W. Bush
 
*Helio Castroneves
 
*The entire population of Rhodesia
 
*Randy Jackson
 
*[[Flipper]]
 
*[[Fishi Sprague]]
 
*[[Lori Deuce]]
 
*Owen Wilson
 
*Adam D.
 
*Skippy the bush kangaroo
 
*Aquaman
 
 
==Orientations==
 
It should be noted some dolphins are actually gay [[sharks]].
 
 
 
== See also ==
 
* [[Killer whale]]
 
* [[Free Willy]]
 
* [[Big Pond]]
 
* [[Dolphin uprising]]
 
* [[Che Guevara]]
 
* [[Michael Phelps]] (half-dolphin)
 
* [[Why?:Take Your Fish To Work]]
 
* [[Porpoise of Life]]
 
* [[NFL|National Fail League]]
 
* http://www.connyland.ch/connyland/index(1).htm
 
* [[Daunte Culpepper]]
 
* [[Dolphin uprising]]
 
* [[Laser Dolphins]]
 
 
{{Race}}
 
   
 
==And in Conclusion==
 
==And in Conclusion==
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[[File:Dolphin Jumping.jpg|center|300px]]
   
[[Image:Dolphin Jumping.jpg]]
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{{Bc|size=200%|{{fakelink|SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH}} }}
   
<big>'''SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH'''</big>
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{{Link FA|es}}
 
 
 
 
 
 
[[Category: Insects]]
 
[[Category:Mammals]]
 
[[Category:Lethal Mammals]]
 
   
 
[[da:Delfin]]
 
[[da:Delfin]]
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[[pt:Golfinho]]
 
[[pt:Golfinho]]
 
[[ru:Дельфин]]
 
[[ru:Дельфин]]
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[[zh:海豚]]
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[[Category:Mammals]]
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[[Category:Lethal Mammals]]
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[[Category:Underwater creatures]]
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[[Category:Whales]]

Latest revision as of 09:06, November 6, 2013

Dolphin
Dolphinriding
A rare three-wheeled dolphin.
Binomial name
Dolphinus smarteae
Specifications
Primary armament Sonar blaster
Power supply Sonar hypnosis
Health 5000
Mana 1000
Strength 2000 kilowatts
Intelligence MI6, Einstein
Weight 110 Lb.
Length 2.8 meters (9 feet)
Special attack Squeak-Squeak-Chittery-Squeak
Conservation status
Pestilence

You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the club steak of the sea.

Next time you vacation to the east coast...Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.

Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!

Dolphins have long been known by the intergalactic federation of Vogons to be the second smartest creatures to inhabit earth, after mice. Humans fall in third place, much to our dislike. It is this reason that we were not able to know of the impending doom of the earth, and had to wait until some Arthur Dent guy made the Magratheans create Earth II.

Dolphins enjoy smothering themselves with mayonnaise and being eaten by humans, despite what many environmentalists believe.

edit Swimming with dolphins

Thedolphins
Axl Rose demonstrates how to drown with dolphins

Quite probably the most under estimated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience. Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and that's your lot (NOT REALLY). I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as Carlisle, or even Dent.

A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay. In 2010 Flipper "The Ripper" Manson,resident of a South Florida dolphinarium was found guilty of disembowelling four tourists and castrating two others with his unusually long corkscrew-shaped tongue. Sentenced to death in the electric chair, Flipper pleaded justifiable homicide in the face of extreme provocation and remains on Death Row awaiting the results of his appeal.


edit Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas

Suck my Face Flipper
Wanna suck my face, Flipper? Hey! Reggo gny kongue! Reggo!
“Dolphins are great lovers. Just ask my mom, sister, brother, and everyone in my family, including me.”
~ Troy McClure on Dolphins

Dolphins are manically hypersexual and will rape divers if excited, as in the movie Cocoon. It makes you wonder what dolphin trainers do in their free time.

Dolphins, like hippies, have sex for pleasure. They have marathons. In fact they are the only other animals that have sex for pleasure except humans, dogs, cats, horses, monkeys, gophers, armadillos, whales, jellyfish, worms, tree frogs, marmoset, seals, mice, deer, hyena, antelope, digimon, leopards, fish, sea anemone, crocodile, naked mole rats, parrots, albatross, flamingo, hawks, wolves, butterfly, mosquitoes, zebra, sloths, turtles, bees, ants, lizards, snakes, werewolves, vampires, mummies, gnomes, and platypus. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.

The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket.

edit Intelligence etc

Smithporpoise
"Because as we both know, Mr. Anderson, without porpoise, we cannot exist.

Dolphin intelligence has been massively underestimated by scientists. They Are Actually the world's second smartest beings, the first of course being mice.

Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of Law, just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.

They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases. Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather. They have powers like that because they are control freaks.|Crazy Old Man|Dolphins}}

They were also the only ones who knew of the end of the world, saying "So long, and thanks for all the fish.

edit The Great Uprising '97

Dolphin
How not to swim with dolphins

A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lasers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.

Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.

Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.

edit The disappearance of dolphins

Dolphins disappeared from the earth after humans accidentally misinterpreted their last warning of the impending destruction of earth as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner. The message was of course 'So long, and thanks for all the fish' (cue music).

edit General Opinion

TigerDM2805 468x472
The Malaysian Tiger Dolphin is the most feared Dolphin. Discovered in 1985 by marine biologist Carl Sagan, the "Terror Dolphin", as it is commonly known, usually travels in packs of 40 or more.
“Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.”
~ America on Dolphins


edit And in Conclusion

Dolphin Jumping
SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH

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