Dolphin
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| Dolphin | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Kingdom | Atlantis |
| Phylum | End Of Phyle |
| Class | Absolutely |
| Order | Tsunami |
| Family | Fish |
| Genus | Fish |
| Species | Dolphinus Smarteae |
| Binomial Name | Doplhinus smarteae |
| Primary Armament | Sonar blaster |
| Secondary Armament | Raytheon Mark 54 Lightweight Torpedo |
| Power Supply | Rolls-royce PWR2 Nuclear Reactor |
| HP: | 5000 |
| Mana Points: | 1000 |
| Strength: | 2000 KiloWatts |
| Intelligence: | MI6, Einstein |
| Weight | 110 Lb. |
| Length | (9'5)-(90'5) Ft |
| Special Attack | Squeaky Squeaky Chittery Squeaky |
| Conservation Status | Pestilence |
You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the strip steak of the sea.
Next time you vacation to the east coast - Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.
Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!
Dolphins have long been known by the intergalactic federation of Vogons to be the second smartest creatures to inhabit earth, after mice. Humans fall in third place, much to our dislike. It is this reason that we were not able to know of the impending doom of the earth, and had to wait until some Arthur Dent guy made the Vogons create Earth II.
Dolphins were once considered as fish, but it has recently been confirmed that they are actually mammals:
- Dolphins breathe fish
- Dolphins give birth fish
- Dolphins are fish
- Spontaneously combust into fish(s).
Dolphins enjoy smothering themselves with mayonnaise and being eaten by sharks, unlike many environmentalists think.
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[edit] Swimming with dolphins
Quite probably the most overrated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience.
Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and thats your lot. I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as Carlisle, or even Dent.
A favourite dolphin activity is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay.
[edit] Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas
“I was raped by Simon Cowell. But I grew to enjoy it.”
“Dolphins are great lovers. just ask my mom, sister, brother, and everyone in my family, including me.”
Dolphins are manically hypersexual and will rape divers if excited, as in the movie Cocoon. It makes you wonder what dolphin trainers do in there free time.
Dolphins, like hippies, have sex for pleasure. They have marathons. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.
The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket. Quote: "Careful. Those dolphins look horny."
“Aim higher and higher! That's where the fun is. ”
“Fully Experience the joy of dolphins.”
[edit] Intelligence etc
Dolphin intelligence has been massively over-rated by scientists, because if dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos? This is because scientists are easily tricked by sycophancy and dolphins pander to their egos. The dolphin will constantly nod along to whatever the "scientist" says and is always ready to laugh its annoying little laugh.
Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of Law, just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.
“The truth is, dolphins are all terrorists, like ex-baseball players or judges from Dancing With the Stars. Think about it. They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases. Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather. They have powers like that because they are control freaks.”
It's true. You know the Nazis? Hitler was a figure-head.
[edit] The Great Uprising '97
A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lasers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.
Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.
Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.
[edit] The disappearance of dolphins
Dolphins disappeared from the earth after humans accidentally misinterpreted their last warning of the impending destruction of earth as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner. The message was of course 'So long, and thanks for all the fish' (cue music).
[edit] General Opinion
“Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.”
“The truth is, Dolphins are stupid. Just like Dolphin-likers. Kill them all.”
“They're just another thing to take the white women away.”
“Dolphins are a lie created by the government to make money.”
“Dolphins got dick-shaped face and are quite stupid contrary to what you can see in movies. Indeed, movies are made to entertain so obviously the stupid dolphins are forced to act as clever. Dolphins usually follows people in their boat because once again they are stupid and many of them die chopped by boat's engine. Dolphins do not have dicks. To reproduce they insert their dick-shaped faces into the asshole of each other and will start making strange sounds. People thought these cries occurred when the dolphins are communicating with each other but in fact they are the cries of pain when receiving dick-shaped faces into their holes. Dolphins don't have necks and their body shape is like Quasimodo, that is, they are curved. If you want to kill a dolphin you just have to take a boat and run into them. The stupid animal will watch you come, crash against the boat and die.”
“Dolphins are the nerds of the sea.”
“THEY VILL MAKE UN DELICIOUS TREAT!”
[edit] Orca: The Dolphin That's Different
Unlike most dolphins, Orcas DO NOT steal jewlery from "scientists". They simply rape their victim as hard as they can, which can be extremely painful and often kills. And unlike most other dolphins, they do not enjoy getting eaten by sharks. They usually go up behind the shark, rape it, then swim away. They are actually smart, and are very good at their job (raping). They are 42 meters long and were ranked 4th most dangerous animal.
[edit] See also
- Killer whale
- Free Willy
- Big Pond
- Dolphin uprising
- Che Guevara
- Michael Phelps (half-dolphin)
- Why?:Take Your Fish To Work
- Porpoise of Life
- National Fail League
- http://www.connyland.ch/connyland/index(1).htm
Dolphins are awesome
[edit] And in Conclusion
SO LONG AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH
