Dogs (or canines, or What a good dog! Good baby) are the reigning, dominant species on Earth, a fact manifested by their uncanny ability to force their humans to pick up their biological leavings from the street while the dog supervises. They also enslave people by making them willingly buy expensive 60-lb. bags of designer food, cookie treats shaped like poodles and mailmen,, and then pay out-of-pocket for their costly health care needs. Dogs bark real loud right next to your ear just because they see another dog walking by - something they've seen thousands of times before! Then they force their humans to take them out for walks during thunderstorms and gale winds. On top of all that, the human slave must leave the dog's home every morning to work a job while the dog spends his day chewing shoes, drinking from the toilet, licking his balls, humping the slave's wife while she sleeps, and pissing on the slave's stuff in-between enjoying numerous naps on the couch.
To do all of this, dogs evolved hardcore psychological manipulation traits to control their primate puppets. Using Darwinian tricks of body language - especially the crucial development of eyebrows which make them appear sad and/or cute - dogs have captured the high-ground on the "Survival of the Fittest" pyramid.
Who Let The Dogs Out?
Despite popular sentiment and trite birthday cards, a dog is man's worst enemy.
All dogs, great and small, would not hesitate for an instant to savagely kill their owners, tear off their lifeless head, and shit down their neck. They would eat their owners children and fuck their women. Luckily, dogs restrain themselves in most cases, because attacking their human means almost certainly the end of having a leg to hump, meaty table scraps, and a warm house with kibble, cold water, and sausages.
Attacking their human and their neighbors can also result in being hit in the head with a rolled-up newspaper and/or death by lethal injection. Dogs are definitely not as stupid as they look.
When young dogs (or "puppies", as they are sometimes mockingly referred to) are brought together in groups of 10 or more and placed in a blanketed cardboard box, they create happiness in females and small children who enjoy being licked in the face by the pups despite the fact that they've been eating their own brown droppings and licking their genitalia. Though they are cute, they cannot be trained away from their natural killer instinct, and only two or three emerge from the cardboard box to roam free.
Studies have shown that dogs do have several redeemable uses. This might be the reason why people acquire the animal as a "pet", ignoring the warnings found on this site. The following is a list containing the most common ways to make use of dogs:
- Guard dogs. It's one of the two most common reasons women want a dog. If a bad guy knows there's a big dog in the house he's more inclined to rob and accidentally kill the dogless neighbor. This is fine with you, and the dog gets rewarded when you find out about the carnage next door. Good dog, good baby.
- Chases squirrels. This gives you hours of viewing enjoyment.
- Guide dogs for the deaf. It's considered a useful waste of time to try to teach dogs sign language in order that they may be of some minor use to deaf people. This attempt was captured in the children's film "Run! Lassie's Gone Rabid!":
- "Hey dad!! Look it's Lassie. I think she's trying to tell us something. What's she saying, Dad?"
- "Looks kinda like "Woof!" to me, son."
Little Known Dog-Related Hazards
Should you somehow end up with the responsibility for a dog, it's important to know the common hazards of dogcare. Though they are many and difficult to grasp, it might result in much pain for you and your pet, should they be ignored.
Dogs: Different Types, Different Levels of Fame
There are literally dozens of different kinds of dogs. Man has been playing Dr. Frankenstein with the size, shape and temperament of the wolf for centuries, for no appreciable reason other than to prove that they can. Here is a comprehensive list of breeds, complete with an informative and enlightening summary of the dog's most salient characteristics.
Types of Dogs
- Poodles - Poodles, widely maligned for the aggressivness of the breed, are merely insanely happy yet stubborn dogs. Plus, most poodles are simply gay. However do take care, as standard poodles which aren't into hair curlers and pompom tails will easily have your arm off instead.
- Dalmatians - Dalmatians are actually very bright dogs *cough*cough* (one's watching me, and have to play it cool). As such, they enjoy a wide range of activities, including discussing the works of Shakespeare in bark and setting political rivals running with bones. Yet like all other dogs, they are not above eating grass, rolling in shit, and either licking their genitalia or having their genitalia licked by their willing owners (it's still watching me, so I have to pretend to enjoy the licking. The taste is kind of punguent, though).
- Samoyed - Large, fluffy, and white, this dog is actually a polar bear in a clever dog disguise. Unfortunately, most of them are too stupid to realize this and spend their time slobbering and making fun of Huskies, whom they claim are "Girlie Dogs." Their owners wonder why they like to chase seals.
- Pitbullshit Terrier - A cross breed between Bull Terriers and Politicians, known for a loud bark and tiny brain, and for eating its own feces.
Moderately Clever Dogs
- German Shepherd - Otherwise known as Inspector Rex, it's a qualified detective dog with the added talent of barking in German with an Austrian accent. Can be used to herd things around the yard, if you're into that.
- St. Bernard - It can bring you drinks but has trouble with the pretzels.
- Pekingese - Bred for their powers in oratory, as well as their compact microwavable size.
- Tamagotchi - Required for witty dinner-party repartee and social eloquence.
- Bulldog - Knows enough to keep out of the rain, but not enough to not eat its own sneezes.
Genius Dogs (by individual)
- Lassie - Comes home.
- The Littlest Hobo - Has no fixed address to come home to, but still manages to be Canada's Lassie equivilent.
- Toto - Knew about the shoe clicking thing all along, just liked the long walk.
Cats vs Dogs
Dogs love cats. True, very true. Often with a side-order of squirrel.
When the two species meet there are only three possible conclusions
- 1. The two animals ignore each other.
- 2. The dog attacks the cat and tears it to shreds.
- 3. The cat attacks the dog and tears it a few tiny holes, usually to the eyeball.
Some dogs just aren't worth the trouble
What dogs eat
Their own vomit and poop, often in profuse quantities.
Suicidal dogs eat chocolate, a very unhealthy food for a canine. After chocolate consumption, they will become temporarily energetic, and with a high enough dose, they will never return from the crash! Very good for making your outside dog an inside dog. When using this training technique you may want to take your dog to the taxidermist.
Other dogs. The cheaper brands of dog food in most developed countries contain the bodies of dogs and horses. In undeveloped countries, you don't want to know.
Can dogs laugh?
There is an honest debate in scientific and zoological circles about if dogs have the ability to smile and laugh, or if the shape of their mouths and eyebrows just make them look like they're laughing. Dogs on the scene of a railroad fatality do sound like they're laughing, and their zoologist friends laugh along with them.
Are dogs clever?
Yes! Because a dog is just a wolf who shaved off his hair to make the other dogs horny. On the other hand, dogs lick there own balls and can effortlessly bark at nothing for hours.
Do you need to fight your dog?
Do you need to fight your dog? Has it challenged you one time too many?
Then read this "Very Qwick-to-Learn" HowTo!
- ↑ Studies have shown, no matter how much you feed a dog, the cute little maternal bitch-fucker 'still wants YOUR food!
- ↑ You think we're kidding? Look at that woman in France! Her own dog ate her face, and then asked for a cookie!!