Dog
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Dogs are animals, physically similar to wolves and foxes, and are probably the most idiotic creatures in existence. They are hairy, have four dumb legs and- SHUT UP SPARKY, YOU STUPID ANIMAL I'M TRYING TO TYPE! They have big annoying faces that you just want to punch, and all they do is eat and eat and never give anything back. WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!? BAD DOG!! GET OUT!! Anyway, basically they're assholes.
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Why they're so Stupid
Like I said, dogs are idiots. I have a dog myself for example, a really stupid one. Not that I wanted one you understand, The wife insisted. I always used to say; "Jane, I don't want a dog, they're annoying, they just get hairs everywhere and you have to walk them all the time, what's the point of that?" But didn't listen, she never did. She just kept saying, "either you give me a kid, or we get a dog, it's one or the other Barry." So I just went all quiet and sulked, hoping she'd see how sad I was and change her mind. She didn't, of course, she never changed her mind about anything. Jane never cared about me or my feelings. Stupid whore.
Anyway, dogs. So yeah, we went down to the dog rescue place. There were all these scraggly, demented-looking things staring back at us. It was like being in a mad scientist's lair, filled with failed experiments and crimes against nature. Jane picked this really ugly one, and straight away I knew it was just a needy piece of shit. NO SPARKY, GET DOWN. I'M NOT GOING TO FEED YOU. Damn Dog always wants food. GO AND CATCH A BIRD OR SOMETHING. Stupid spoiled mongrel.
Pets
A lot of people will tell you that a dog is a man's best friend. Bullshit. A dog? My friend? I wouldn't be seen dead with anyone who shits all over the lawn and randomly attacks passers by without provocation. I hate the things. DO YOU HEAR THAT SPARKY? I HATE YOUR GUTS! DON'T GIVE ME THOSE INNOCENT EYES, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE. God I hate him. Jane loved him though. She paid more attention to that retarded creature than she did to me. She always used to complain when I forgot to walk it. How's that my fault? You have to do it like everyday, of course I'm going to forget every now and then. Just like I forget our anniversary sometimes. OH GOD JANE, I'M SO SORRY!!!
Yeah Jane spoiled Sparky. She wanted a kid you see, the point of the dog really was just to fill the hole in her life where a baby should have been. Women are crazy like that. It pissed me off so much when she was so nice to him - always letting it eat from the table and sleep in our bed. It's not a human! It's not meant to sleep in a bed! Especially not with us! AND YOU WONDER WHY WE NEVER HAVE SEX!!! SHUT UP SPARKY I'M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU.
None of that now though. Sparky sleeps in the back yard, where he belongs - because he's an animal, not a person. He doesn't have a bed or basket or even a kennel. He sleeps outside, like lesser life forms are meant to. I always used to tell Jane that this was just the order of life, how it's meant to be. She just told me to shut up, and then lavished all her attention on the dog, apologising for me and nursing its wounds.
Why They're so Stupid (2)
Dogs come in all shapes and sizes, from big, small, medium sized etc. etc. Those little dogs are the ones I always hated. You know, the yappy ones that rich old women and wannabe celebrities have. Some dogs are strong, others are nimble. It doesn't matter how nimble they are though because the bastards are always in the way. Sparky just stands there like a mentally challenged statue while you're rushing around, trying to do something important. Then I always bump into him, which makes him yelp, GOD HOW I HATE HIS YELP. It goes through me like fingernails on a blackboard. Jane used to tell me off for doing this, but it serves him right for being such an ugly wimp. If you're going to stand in the way, people are going to bump into you. "You should be more careful" she used to say. Careful? I'm in a hurry here, dominant species have a lot to do! It's not like that now though, now she's gone I can just barge into him whenever I want. I find it's the best way to get him out the way. Tell you the truth, I'm glad she's gone, means humans are the dominant species in the house again. Like they should be. OH JANE, I LOVE YOU PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!
Diet
Dogs are too stupid to understand basic concepts like "hungry" and "full", and will pretty much just eat at every opportunity. I could hit Sparky over the head with a 60lb bag of dog food and he'd still want my dinner. There's this thing I do that's really funny - I pretend to give him his dinner but really don't. It's so funny, he starts licking his plate and everything, even though there's no food in it, and it takes him like five minutes to realise he's eating nothing. Then he looks at me with those big, sad, brown eyes like he's saying "please feed me." Manipulative fucker, you're not telling me what to do. So if he does that I just don't feed him, that teaches him who's boss.
Dogs also like eating random stuff that isn't even food, like grass and faeces and treasured photographs of YOUR LOVED ONES. DAMN YOU SPARKY! I HATE YOU, YOU FUCKING PRICK! YOU TOOK HER AWAY FROM ME! OH JANE I MISS YOU SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY CALLS!? I'VE CHANGED, PLEASE BELIEVE ME.
WHERE ARE YOU, YOU MONGREL? COME HERE! TAKE THIS, AND THIS, AND ONE OF THESE!!! STOP WHIMPERING AND GET UP! YOU BIG FAG, EAT SHOE! YEAH HURTS DOESN'T IT!? WELL THAT'S HOW YOU MADE ME FEEL!!! GOD JANE, I MISS YOU. LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!!!!
Mating
The way dogs have sex is pretty much the same as when humans have sex. The male inserts his penis into the woman from behind her, and then he just does his stuff until he's bored or she fights him off. This lasts anywhere from a couple of seconds to a minute.
Like most animals, who are inferior to humans, dogs will just fuck anything. Chairs, your leg, a tree, a female dog, a male dog, my dad's face while he's asleep. Anything. But who would have thought a dog could do something so terrible as to have sex with your wife in your bed while you're at work? Imagine my surprise to come home early and find Sparky and Jane in the bedroom with the curtains closed. Jane in her best dress and fancy perfume THAT I BOUGHT HER!!!! WHORE! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEING GOING ON!?!?!?!?! I think I'm going to be sick.
Conclusion
I didn't mean to kill her. I was just so upset. Her pretty little head was so delicate, how was I meant to know that her brain was going to haemorrhage so easily? OH JANE, I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! I PROMISE. I LOVE YOU SO, SO, SO MUCH. YOU MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME!!!
And it's all that stupid dog's fault... Yeah you. How I loathe thee... How I despise your big, warm, dark eyes, always staring, following me, watching me - knowing. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! I DIDN'T KILL HER, IT WAS YOUR FAULT! YOU!!! STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
