Dog the Bounty Hunter
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Don't care if she's a Mexican, a whore or whatever. It's not because she's black, it's because we use the word nigger sometimes here. I'm not gonna take a chance ever in life of losing everything I've worked for for 30 years because some fucking nigger heard us say nigger and turned us in to the Enquirer magazine. Our career is over! I'm not taking that chance at all! Never in life! Never! Never! If Lyssa [Dog's daughter] was dating a nigger, we would all say 'fuck you!' And you know that. If Lyssa brought a black guy home ya da da... it's not that they're black, it's none of that. It's that we use the word nigger. We don't mean you fucking scum nigger without a soul. We don't mean that shit. But America would think we mean that. And we're not taking a chance on losing everything we got over a racial slur because our son goes with a girl like that. I can't do that Tucker. You can't expect Gary, Bonnie, Cecily, all them young kids to [garbled] because 'I'm in love for seven months' - fuck that! So, I'll help you get another job but you can not work here unless you break up with her and she's out of your life. I can't handle that shit. I got 'em in the parking lot trying to record us. I got that girl saying she's gonna wear a recorder... ”
“Wait a minute, that was a real quote by Dog the Bounty Hunter...you gotta spice that shit up... and make it shorter too!”
“Bounty Hunters! We don't need those scum... ”
Dog the Bounty Hunter, is a fierce, unstoppable, killing machine, that loves to play with girly toys. He and his companions make babies, have been known to have busted many, many, villians. He even has the ability to fit in amongst the African American crowd, uttering such phrases as: "high five" "yo" "bra" and the slang version of the word "man". You may wonder, "where can one get such awesome skills?" the power is in his outfit. Everything such as feathers, beads, and tattoos harnesses special powers from adventures he has survived with people such as Indiana Jones and Hulk Hogan. He is said to be fathered by the critically acclaimed and top-selling ska/punk band, Choking Victim, who are best known for their top 10 hits like "Beat It", "Smooth Criminal", and "Thriller". (Michael Jackson is in fact just a fictional character created by our fascist government which soon hopes to take over the entire world and make it a giant water park.)
Dog's ultimate dream is to be the new Chuck Norris. He once said, "Chuck Norris is a wussy piece of shit, he only has one move for Christ's sake! Roundhouse kick? And he doesn't even have cool glasses! Take my word for it, I will be his new image!"
edit The Equipment
Dog's equipment includes, Kevlar vest, gay anal beads and Gary Glitter child molestation manual.
edit The Tattoos
Now we will learn the powers that the tattoos hold. The tattoos were another gift that all (except for the panda bear on his ass) came from a mystical man from Brazil. Dog recently captured the man's wife because she was a prostitute who shot a wigger because he said he wanted to have proof of being shot by an uzi nine times. But when the cops and Dog came and started questioning, she said that he requested being shot, but then he denied ever meeting this quote "biatch".
So the old Brazilian said that if you let her go I will give you tattoos that will give you the power to give bad guys a "persuasive stern talking to". And since Dog is a nice gay, he accepted. So now instead of blowing everyone he caught and saying,"stop doing that dumbass!", now he can take em' in without having them take $50 out of his check for unnecessary violence. And criminals can now learn a lesson with the comforting feeling of being Dog's "fellow bra" as Dog likes to say.
edit The Anal Beads
The Anal beads. These hold quite some power. Do you want to know what it is? It is the power of Gayness. Only Dog can come up with the awesomely gay clothing styles, awesome pictures of himself fisting Larry Craig, awesomely gay blonde mullet hair... all of that comes from his mind that is fueled by the anal beads. Once they're worn out, Dog's gayness will be gone forever.
So wouldn't he be scared of wearing them out? No. No one could ever wear them out except for the gayest of the gay, 50 Cent. And Dog always has a constant eye on him.
edit Dog's Partners In Ass
edit Dog's Wife
Sure, she may seem worthless. But she is as useful as say, a potbellied pig with razor sharp teeth and a strap-on dildo. She can track down an unlucky all-you-can-eat buffet with the radar like she is some kind of... radar... thing... don't forget about those tata's either, if anyone was to ever find themselves caught under one of those babies... well it wouldn't be pretty. And nothing gets our gay hero more pumped in the morning than her wonderful waffles and bacon with a side of 12inch strap-on butt plug.
Leland... the son of the Dog. Fearless, quick, but still has a lot to learn when it comes to bounty hunting. He most of the time looks forward to getting something that can power him someday just like his dad and all of his special items. He'll help his dad when enemies get rough. But usually gets his ass kicked. "It seems like Leland is still just a pup. And just yesterday came out of the vagina of his furry cold nosed bitch mom.", said Dog when Leland broke his leg when they were hunting down Mufasa when he escaped from the zoo.
Leland showing off his new body
edit Most Famous Criminals He Has Captured and The Reason Why
- 1.Chuck Norris- After Chuck consumed several beers and roundhouse kicked an innocent child.
- 3.Some jerk- Who stole his collection of Cowboy Bebop DVDs.
- 4.Frankenstein- For masturbating in a public area.
- 5.Hawthorne Heights- For starting a riot using Molotov cocktails and Dog's Cowboy Bebop DVDs. There were many casualties.
- 6.Jeff Foxworthy- For simply being an unfunny douche... in Zanzibar (it's a law there)
- 7.Jimbo Wales- For claiming Uncyclopedia is a parody of Wikipedia. (Wikipedia is actually a parody of Uncyclopedia)
edit The Dark Side
- Dog may seem like some kind of "hero". But he has a dark side. Just look at all the people he has killed instead of taken in out of anger.
- The man who invented "uncoolness"
- A dude who made an Uncyclopedia article about him
- Cat the Serial Rapist
- The chick who refused to smack his butt and say,"bad doggie".
- The dude who put peanut butter on his penis and said,"come here, Fido!" when Dog visited his neighborhood.
- A guy who recorded him saying the word nigger, over and over again
- yeah, that's right, he's not so much of a nice guy sometimes. But maybe someday he can have some goddamn self control. But who knows when that day will come...
edit Arch enemies
- 1.Chuck Norris
- 2.Rap music
- 3.Bob Dole
- 5.Crack heads
- 7.Cell phone recording of him saying the word nigger, over and over again
edit Spy? Suspicion Grows
That's right, there's a possible spy amongst Dog. And that is Tim, a somewhat worthy adversary that has been in the business for a long time. Dog suspects him as a Chuck Norris agent, sometimes it just feels like Dog can sense his prying eyes. Watching all of Dog's rolls and jumps... all of those sweet moves. He probably IS actually working for Chuck Norris, since Chuck Norris sees Dog as a possible threat. Chuck doesn't want his title of "Corniest Guy Who Is Supreme Sarcastic Comedy Gold" taken away from him.
edit Dog's Weaknesses
- Ice --- Dog's Kryptonite
- Being called a poser
- Not being awesome
- Sleeping pills
- A haircut
- An aging body
- Having to wear a shirt with sleeves
- Cell phone recording of him saying the word nigger, over and over again
edit How To Escape The Jaws Of Justice
Yes, it IS possible. But think of these methods as temporary because eventually they will be corrected with more tech shit.
- The locked on device only works through his glasses. so if you stay in the corner of his eye where the glasses don't meet the side of his head. you may have some kind of "chance"
- Travel at the speed of light
- Distract his attention with a "Now hiring - Rocket Power voice actor for a "totally rad dude" character.(Totally rad lingo required) $50 worth of SoBe an hour"
- Dying your hair blonde and blending in with his 4,328 other children
- ...cell phone recording of him saying the word nigger, over and over again.
edit Death Threats
Being the most likely new Chuck Norris, Dog gets a lot of death threats. This is another thing that weakens him. He sometimes gets scared to leave his house without his Kevlar vest and always watches his back. Now LELAND is getting death threats. When Dog found this dead crack head after he chased him for an hour, the crack head was shot and had THIS stapled to his back...
- Fortunately the people left their indent on the plastic card, as you can plainly see. Now Dog spends his time trying to find the secret factory known as "Mightee Fine Creations". It has such a good cover name. Naming itself something so seemingly innocent...
edit The Untimely Demise of Dog
Even after pleading his case on Hannity and Colmes (See: N-Word, Michael Richards), Dog's act of contrition proved to be in vain. The Reverend Sith Lord Darth Sharpton issued a galactic fatwa against the Big Bad himself. Bounty Hunters far and wide swarmed after their hobbled colleague to reap the substantial reward laid upon his head. On November 11, 2007, a dramatic shootout took place at the Waikiki Beach 7-11 between Dog and rival bounty hunter Boba Fett. Fett took down the rogue N-Word dropper with his backpack mounted cruise missile. Fett had Dog's mullet frozen in carbonite and shipped to Darth Sharpton, who later placed it up for bid on EBay. The carbonite mullet is now on display in the throne room of Hannity the Hutt's palace.
Dog please don't rim our ass. Some guy forced us to do it.