Dogshit sandwich

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Hotdog big
The reader may unwittingly have consumed a dogshit sandwich recently, such as this one.

A dogshit sandwich is a sandwich consisting of the final part of a dog's large intestine placed in a sliced bun or between pieces of bread. This part of the intestine typically contains the canine's darkly coloured feces, which impart the sandwich's signature taste.

History

Home-cooked cuisine has been crap since its creation in Neolithic times, but the concept of a shit sandwich is more recent. The immediate cultural precursor with a direct connection to the English ordure sandwich was found in the Netherlands of the 17th century, where the naturalist John Dung observed that, in the taverns, intestines hung from the rafters

Cquote1 "which they cut into shorter pieces and et with bread and mustard, laying ye sausage-like entities upon the mustard." Cquote2

Such detailed specifications reveal the Dutch bekakt broodje was as yet unfamiliar in England.

If it was initially perceived as food men shared while gaming and drinking at night, the sandwich slowly began appearing in polite society as a late-night meal among the aristocracy. The sandwich's popularity in England increased dramatically during the 19th century, when the rise of an industrial society and the working classes made fast, portable, and inexpensive meals essential.

Alternate sources

Black and Tan Coonhound
A Black and Tan Coonhound. Ideal for obtaining all the ingredients required for either format of sandwich.

Although the dogshit sandwich is typically obtained from a dog's large intestine, some purist and arguably more racist connoisseurs prefer other methods. In the Southeastern United States, where there are rather more niggers than dogs, the dogshit sandwich is often made using the former, which produces a comparable color but a distinctly different taste. In modern times and depending on your apparent ethnic origin, sitting down at the lunch counter and ordering up a "nigger" may meet with an unwelcome response. Unless you are the Pope.

Usage

Dogshit sandwiches are a widely popular type of food. They are taken to work, school, or picnics to be eaten as part of a packed lunch. The 'shitload' is typically accompanied with condiments such as mustard, ketchup, pickle relish, sauerkraut, urine, vomit, and slime molds.

Controversy

Hot dog-789736
Would you kill this cute little puppy just for a single shitty meal?

Though the dogshit sandwich has been considered a traditional food since its very inception, in more recent years, certain movements have come to see the practices related to the making and preparing of the dogshit sandwich as an inhumane abomination. Animal rights activists have violently protested against the terrible suffering that dogs supposedly undergo when their intestines are extracted for the production of dogshit sandwiches.

Noted animal rights advocates frequently call upon the aid of celebrities and various historical figures to support their case. They often quote Enlightenment philosopher Voltaire:

Cquote1 Hold then the same view of the dog which has lost his master, which has sought him in all the thoroughfares with cries of sorrow, which comes into the house troubled and restless, goes downstairs, goes upstairs; goes from room to room, finds at last in his study the master he loves, and betokens his gladness by soft whimpers, frisks, and caresses.
There are barbarians who seize this dog, who so greatly surpasses man in fidelity and friendship, and nail him down to a table and dissect him alive, to acquire shit-filled intestines! You discover in him all the same organs of feeling as in yourself. Answer me, meat eater, has Nature arranged all the springs of feeling in this animal to the end that he might not feel?
Cquote2

Social impact

Since the popularization of dogshit sandwiches, the intelligence of the general public has dropped dramatically, while the overall obesity rate has risen quite drastically. Scientists blame this on the low nutritional value of dogshit sandwiches and other kinds of junk food.

See also

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