Does the pope shit in the woods?
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Does the Pope shit in the woods? It's a question that has puzzled philosophers, theologians, Alf and stoned bowling enthusiasts named Lebowski for centuries. There have been many allegations made and some photos that suggest it is quite possibly true.
Although we can safely assume that if the pope were in the woods and had to take a shit, he probably would do it in the woods, the question as posed asks if the pope routinely shits in the woods, and that answer is probably not.
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[edit] Arguments
Conspiracy theorist Dan Brown theorizes that there is no pope, and hasn't been since 1987, when aliens, working with the Illuminati replaced the pope with a large smoked sausage with opposable hands to wave to the onlooking crowds. To date, this theory is accepted only by rocket scientists from the LA area and certain prominent celebrity scientologists.
There are rumors that the Pope (if any) did, in fact, shit in the woods at Woodstock in 1969 and again at Glastonbury in 1983 -where it has been documented by a reputable source that a young Morrissey was just starting to sing the now infamous lines to one of his older songs - Hang the DJ - and upon his completion of the chorus, the Pope exulted an immense, ecclesiastically Biblical flood of excreta whilst amid a heavily wooded area, putting to shame all other faecal works of such great holy masterminds, and proving the theory of the Pope's possible outdoor-poop excursions to be irrefutably true.
[edit] Sightings
Once, when a paparazzi took a picture of him playing with his willy in the Vatican bathroom, J2P2 bought the camera off him for 5m lira. A few weeks later he thought he might as well use the camera and so, while snapping a few pics of St. Peters Square, an aide said "Nice cam your Popesterness, how much it cost ya?" To which, the big guy replied 5m lira, and the thus the aide mused "Whoa, somebody must have seen you coming!" But I digress, and back to the topic at hand.
Many claim to have been looking out the window only to glimpse him pooing whilst others have had closer experiences, such as climbing a tree and looking down to see him taking a dump. Whatever happens, bears must remember they might not be alone. When in the woods, keep your eyes peeled for the Pope, and remember that nice fuzzy little bunnies are always the best substitue for toilet paper when one does need to relieve themselves. Anyway, to finish this article off, we will end with a saying the pope once said: "Go fuck your mothers, you retarded heathens!"
[edit] Trivia
- Sources in the Vatican have indicated that during periods of ill health, when the Pope is unable to visit the woods, he takes advantage of "The Bedpan of the Holy Sea".
[edit] Related questions
- Is public urination a mortal sin?
- Is the bear a Catholic?
- If he does shit in the woods and there was nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?
