Dodgeball

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This dodgeball player, demonstrating how to pummel a weaker opponent into submission, is clearly on his way to becoming a Dodgeball Master.

Dodgeball dates all the way back to 4000 B.C. An unusually horny caveman was playing very violently with his brother's testicles when one suddenly became a flying projectile. Killing the caveman, the single testicled brother found extreme amusement. Later that same day, his father was killed in a similar "accident". This "accident" was then deemed "dodge the blue ball" and later shortened to "dodgeball". The French have always exceeded at this "ball" game although they have never won a game. At the last olympics, it was quoted that the Germans "pistol whipped those mother fucking French pussies". The French have now turned to a new game in which you play with your own balls alone in a corner.

[edit] History of the Sport

Ancient Dodgeball was played by opium-addicted Chinamen, who threw severed human heads at each other.The heads were mostly harvested from white people, who were disgusting and an anachronism anyway. Back then, the objective was not so much to dodge the head as it was to catch the head in one's mouth before flinging it violently back at the opponent. The object was not only to peg the other player, but also to hit him with such ferocity that the human head would literally explode, causing a flurry of skull and brain material to shower the loser and forcing much shame and dishonor upon him. More often than not, the loser would then decapitate himself, thereby regaining some honor while also allowing the game to go on. And afterwards, the winning team would eat the heads they played with as a sign of honor.

Modern Dodgeball was invented by Augustus Hagerson in Guam in 1833. However, all Hagerson did to "modernize" it was to give teams funny names, like "The Dodging Squirrels". The popularity of the game soared, as did the popularity of those kinky rubber balls found in elementary school gym closets around the world. According to a recent international poll, dodgeball is one of the most popular sports out there. Even the stuck-up pansy Queen of England is on record as saying "dodgeball kicks major ass, bitch." Indeed it does. It is not, however, an Olympic sport.

[edit] How To Play

The game is played on a large rectangular court, called the bed. A line in the middle of the court, called the shaft, divides the bed into two halves. All of the balls that will be used in gameplay must be placed along the shaft before play starts. An even number of players are divided into two teams, and stand on opposite sides of the bed. When the game starts, the playas charge the shaft, grab the balls, and proceed to hit the playas of the opposing team with the balls. If a playa is hit, he is considered "out" and must leave the bed. When a team has lost all its playas, they lose and the game is over. The winning team is declared the winner.

[edit] The Principles of Dodgeball

There are many principles that all good dodgeball players must know. The most vital are known as the Five D's of Dodgeball:

Dodge the ball so you don't get hit by it.

Duck so that the ball misses you and you get that great painful feeling when you fall on the floor. Don't whine about it, it builds character. Or use a duck for cover. Quack!

Dip... no idea. Maybe you're supposed to... dip stuff in sauce when you eat it? But how will that affect the game... nobody cares.

Dive as in skydiving. Only applies when playing the extreme "get thrown out of a plane" version of dodgeball.

Dodge the ball so... you know this already.

That's um... lets see one, two, three, four, five... yeah those are the five D's of Dodgeball. There are also three other rules that will be invaluable through training:

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball: Dodgeball teachers, please throw wrenches at your team if they don't pay attention. It's fun for you and it builds character for them.

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball: The element of danger will make sure you suddenly become good at dodging. Unless you really aren't that good so... moving on. It builds character.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a firearm: just look for the target.

[edit] Fundamental Player Stereotypes

• The Jock: The person that can throw the ball at over nine thousand feet per second, thus making him win every single game. If you are a nerd, run; they feed on your pain.

• The Prep: The one who throws the ball just because she wants to hold something shiny or pink. There is more a threat from Magikarps than the Prep.

• The Nerd: He will use his superior knowledge of physics and math to calculate your doom, unfortunately, they all lack any physical skill.

• The Emo: He is the one you want to aim for to crush his life. He is usually the one walking in the back of the crowd with no ball because he shows no sign of effort.

• The Queer: The kid who sits out on the bleachers and does nothing, just drools and looks at the pretty red balls.

• The Russian: The kid who just got transferred, and holds a knife in his shoe, and a pistol in his pants.

• The Official: This is the guy who when he was a kid loved dodgeball, but was never any good at it. Now as an adult he is stronger than the kids so he became an official for dodgeball. During the games he is known to go away from his referee stand to grab 'the enforcer' and throw it in an unsuspecting kids face. He is wanted in 8 states for 20 murders.

[edit] Variants On Gameplay

Those cars frickin' hurt!

Over the years, many people have come up with different ways to play dodgeball in order to make the game more interesting. Here are a few of the most popular modifications.

• Doughboy Dogdeball: This variant is played in a normal environment with different rules. Everyone groups up from each team and both captains pick the fattest kid. Then, everyone gets a ball and throws it at him.

• Dodgeball with Sharks: This variant is played in a pool, with one team made up entirely of sharks. The game usually decomposes into chaos, as the sharks tend not to follow the rules and the humans tend to get eaten.

• Dodgeball With an Angry Gorilla: This variant is played with an odd number of players. One of the players is an angry gorilla. You can also use a real gorrila as it is more fun. Be careful, the gorilla usually does not co-operate. The gorilla is placed on the shaft along with the balls at the start of the game. Then the fun times begin.

• Dodgeball With a Bomb Filled With Knives: Like regular dodgeball, except one of the balls is actually a bomb filled with knives. The game usually ends when the bomb explodes.

• Dodgeball With Cars: Dodgeball with cars instead of balls. This is fairly pointless, but it gives me an excuse to use that stupid picture on the right. You'd better F***ING enjoy it.

• Dodgeball With Bowling Balls: STRIKE!

• Super Dodgeball: A variant based in Japan and in underground circuits in small parts of the world. It's like normal dodgeball, except players continue playing until one team's members all fall over and die. It is highly regarded as a "bloodsport" by activists and fans.

• DodgeRay: This variant is famous amongst daredevils of the animal world. It is like normal dodgeball, but instead of using a dodgeball, a live Stingray is used. Due to their shape it is much harder to throw them accurately, as well as without being electrocuted to death. It is rumored that Steve Irwin was killed by a Stingray during DodgeRay when he got someone out and grabbed the nearest Stingray to throw it at the ground in victory, only to miss and hit his foot, causing the Stingray to shock him to death because he didn't want to see his pathetic face in DodgeRay ever again.

[edit] Getting the Most Out of the Game

Making the game even better is easily accomplished. Just do some of the following to make it more enjoyable:

• Fill balls with hydrogen. Bring matches.'
• Practice dodging wrenches.
• Practice dodging responsibility (see Jon Gosselin).
• Use a shotgun to dodge balls.
• Practice dodging a firearm.
• Practice dodging traffic.
• Practice dodging your ex-wife/girlfriend. Oh, wait, this is Uncyclopedia. Nobody has an ex-wife/girlfriend here.
• Aim for the fat kid.
• Weaker people on your team are there SOLELY to be used as human shields. If necessary, they may also be used as dodgeballs themselves.