Doctor of the Church

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Doc Adams

"Doc" Adams became a Doctor of the Church, and later the patron saint of the American "Wild West."

A Doctor of the Church is an honourary title given to a member of the Catholic Church who displays exemplary superpowers and uses them for the benefit of the Catholic community. Aside from the Pope, individuals classified as Doctors of the Church under the Vatican Post-Human Files are among the most powerful beings in the universe. Most Doctors of the Church are immortal and receive their title only after many hundreds of years of dedicated service to the Church. Others receive the award posthumously if, for instance, they are killed in a cosmic battle with the Silver Surfer or have been ripped from normal continuity.

A cleric may be made a Doctor of the Church for a pathbreaking contribution to dogma or doctrine. Among these was Saint Constantine the Constant, who ended a great era called the Schism by writing the simple solution, "Maybe they both did."

Contributions made by Doctors of the Church vary greatly. Some, like Dr. Strange, are honoured for their important reality-warping powers, while others, like Pope John Paul II, are noted for their outstanding character and for their defence of the Catholic Church against an external enemy (in the late Holy Father's case, the threat of Communist Robot Invaders). Because of the flexibility of criteria, it typically takes many years before a new Doctor is inducted.

Doctors of the Church are not to be confused with Saints, who are warriors of the Church and used mostly for marketing purposes. They are also not to be confused with typical surgeons. You never visit a Doctor of the Church for a tubal ligation.

edit List of Doctors of the Church

Name Year Promoted Nationality Superpower
Constantine 1099 Roman Teleportation; force fields; mastery of the mystical arts
Dr. X 1171 American Invisibility; flight; mind-control
1200's N/A No awards given, in recognition of dark ages
Sir Thomas More 1320 British Mind-control
Santa Claus 1341 Norweigan Flight; immortality; ability to tell who's naughty and nice
Nok, Jungle Goddess 1481 Cambodian Invulnerability; nature magic
The Watcher 1555 [unknown] Omniscience; immortality
Ignatius of Loyola 1673 Spanish Divine light; healing factor; immortality
Julius II 1702 Italian Reality-warping; mastery of the seven secret hand gestures; flaming sword of justice; invulnerability
Nightcrawler 1978 German Teleportation
Dr. Strange 1999 American Reality-warping; mastery of the clandestine nose-pick
John Paul II 2005 Polish Reality-warping; diving light; mind-control
Imelda Marcos 2005 Filipina Wail of the hundred-footed banshee; large expense account
Personal tools