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“Please Rowan, stop making episodes of Mr. Bean”
“I have a cunning plan...”
“That Melchie fellow... looks an awful lot like me, doesn't he!”
“Ah, I see what you've done! You've crossed Blackadder with Doctor Who. Oh, that's very amusing!”
“ Forget Mr Blackadder, I have a turnip!”
Dr. Blackadder is one of only two surviving Timelords from the War of the Daleks, left to roam all of space, time and dimensions to create cunning plans and schemes to rob the aristocrisy of socks and silverware. Helped by his faithful companion S. Baldrick they travel the world in the TARVIS (Turnips And Relative Vegetables In Space) cunningly disguising themselves in period costume. Of course, as with all fugitives with the might of all time and space at their fingertips there are a number of enemy beings and adversaries out there out to stop them.
Dr. Blackadder's methods of keeping below the spotlight are cunning (as cunning as a cunning sandwich with a double helping of cunning), choosing historical points in time where his activities would be difficult, if not impossible, to be traced. However, there are a small number of times where his presence in history has been spotted.
Captured in History
1485 - The Middle Ages
Dr. Blackadder travelled to this point in time to stop the dreaded Americans (see enemies) from coming back to claim that the British victory at the Battle of Bosworth Field was, in fact, all down to the Yanks. However, after a slight mishap, Dr. Blackadder inadvertantly decapitated the king and ultimately poisoned the entire Royal Family. After deciding that the Americans could have this one after all he fled.
1564 - Elizabethan Times
There exists a document in the Royal Archives in the London Library of a gentlemen who called himself 'Edmund Blackadder' during the Elizabethan times. This document, nearly 500 years old is signed by Queen Elizabeth I herself (before being scribbled out and 'pooey!' written after it) and is said to be a Death Warrant for Edmund to be beheaded.
Dr. Blackadder visited this time for the prostitutes that were, by his own admission, "cheap and filthy". His assistant Baldrick was left to live on the roof of the building where he lived, unable to live in the gutter as he would be "flushed into the Thames with all the other turds". Dr. Blackadder managed to develop a close link with the Royal Family, becoming a courtier of Queen Elizabeth I. Dr. Blackadder used his knowledge of the future to his advantage, managing to outwit Sir Walter Reilly (really...) and Lord Melchie (another Royal Courtier) into drinking a bottle of Baldrick's piss claiming it to be exotic wine and predict the forthcoming (by half a millenium) of same-sex marriages by marrying 'Bob'.
1804 - The Prince Regent
In 1804 Dr. Blackadder kept with his Royal links and settled near to the Prince Regent. Hired by Mad King George, Dr. Blackadder's self-imposed mission was to keep the Prince alive against backlashes of hate amongst the British population and the Duke of Wellington whilst he robbed him of as many socks and piece of silver cutlery as he could find. He then brought back this stash to the year 2009 to sell it all on Cash in the Attic and Flog It.
After an unfortunate run-in with a highwaywoman Dr. Blackadder decided to up and leave with the remains of Prince George's sock drawer and silverware cabinet. It is said that this act ultimately bankrupted the Royal Family, creating the necessity for sponsorship deals with Pepsi and the selling of soft-core pornography behind the bike-sheds at school.
1918 - World War I
Dr. Blackadder was tired. He needed to escape it all and live out the rest of his life somewhere quiet. Unfortunately he chose the year 1917 to settle down in and after a national newspaper found him out and put him on the front page under the title, "COWARD! Also, Bingo on page 22!" he received 12,822,198 small, white feathers. He was forced to join up.
Blackadder reluctantly joined the front line with his assistant Baldrick and was quickly forced to live on a diet of mud, dandruff and saliva. It is unknown if Dr. Blackadder escaped the war but it is thought that his assistant Baldrick had a cunning plan, so cunning that it could have been made a professor of cunning at Oxford University and lives on to this day.
Of course, with all of time and space at his disposal it seems only logical that Dr. Blackadder has explored the future. Such a power is not to be taken lightly, and Dr. Blackadder has only used this future knowledge for the most serious of things. Such as...
- Winning the Lottery - Dr. Blackadder currently has 72 triple-rollover National Lottery wins under his belt. A Timelord record.
- Knowing when nudity is about to take place
Dr. Blackadder is one of only 4 people who have seen the end of the world, the other three people being God, Jesus and David Icke. He insisted that Baldrick take the photo on the right as a souvenir of the occasion.
King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton
King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton help Dr. Blackadder at times of need with the aid of plot twists, fine-flowing dialogue and purile jokes about turnips looking like 'thingies'. Their wisdom when Dr. Blackadder needs it most is pure, helpful and usually revolves around punching Baldrick or telling a random cast member that their face looks like dung that has been trodden in by a warthog.
Their wisdom appears in the form of a sacred document containing the scriptures known as 'lines', the advice the Doctor requires to cleverly weasel his way of out situations contained within. It is said that without the King and Queen Dr Blackadder simply would not exist!
Captain Jack Flasheart
Captain Jack Flasheart (Woof!) is a self-styled maverick who gets the job done by insane heroics, death-defying danger and Woofing at every single woman he comes into (oo er, obviously!) contact with! That's not a canoe in his pocket, he's pleased to see you! He likes it 'firm and fruity' and appreciates women with beards as it gives him something to hold onto. Whenever Dr. Blackadder has been in trouble Captain Jack Flasheart swoops in, smashes through a window, headbutts a random person and then scarpers with the fiancé, Bob!
Captain Jack Flasheart is involved with the organisation W.O.O.F. (Women On O(a)ll Fours) which has no relation to the world of Dr. Blackadder, but he just wanted us to mention it.
There have been rumours spread around (possibly by a Dr. Blackadder enemy) that Captain Jack Flasheart is a gay and several rumours have surfaced on Captain Jack's Myspace page about him and a small Philipino Manservent called Gerald. Captain Jack has staunchly denied those rumours although, to be fair, he is a fan of musicals. That pretty much says it all really, doesn't it.
Sarah Jane (S.) Baldrick
A faithful companion to Dr. Blackadder, always appearing by his side during every scrape and adventure they endure. S. Baldrick is a wanted man to the FBI due to various escapades he's undertaken throughout history (illegally gaining office into the Houses of Parliament, stealing "some beans", the destruction of the World's Biggest Turnip, the destruction of the first ever Dictionary, poisoning superior officers in the trenches of WWI, poisoning the entire Royal Family in 1485, cutting off his mother's head when she complained about low ceilings, rape, pillage, causing an affray and wiggling his todger at The Queen).
Still, he does have his uses. He is a keen author and has written many beautiful stories about sausages and poems about war. He has a great sense of humour, continually being the butt of Dr. Blackadder's many hilarious quips.
Dr. Blackadder's time-traveling niece from the future. She is very beautiful, which is a wonder as to how she is related to him. She is capable of firing a beam from both eyes, which can destroy entire planets. She is also a friend of Haruhi Suzumiya, and has over 9000 other friends as well. Mikuru often assists her uncle when either he, Baldrick, or any other member of the team are about to do something incredibly stupid. She is also Dr. Who?'s daughter.
Dr. Blackadder's brother and Mikuru's father. He is not amused that Blackadder has taken up the art of time-traveling, but is willing to go along with it anyway. Whenever there is trouble, he sends his daughter to assist his brother. He is a TimeLord, and has literally been to the end and back. Also guest-starred in the movie Blackadder: Back and Forth.
Mr. Bean is the arch nemesis of Dr. Blackadder. With an array of tools at his disposal (including a time machine of his own and the ability to make a range of silly voices and pointless expressions) Mr. Bean has been a constant thorn in Dr. Blackadder's side. His plan is simple. So simple, in fact, that he almost manages to accomplish it without losing his pants. Taking the exact form of Dr. Blackadder he produces a series of appalling TV shows pretending to be Dr. Blackadder in an attempt to ruin his reputation. His most successful attempt to date was the movie Johnny English, a film so terrible that Sir Ian Fleming spun in his grave so fast that if he had been coiled in wire and then placed in a magnet he would have powered a small town for 7 weeks.
Mr. Bean's evil sidekick is Teddy, a ruthless, power-crazed monster and is the only individual Mr. Bean fears. Teddy is often referred to as the brains of the pair, and is rumoured to be the actual mastermind behind the anti-Blackadder plot. Nothing is safe when Teddy is in the room, people often losing limbs simply by glancing in his direction. One minion waved and was promptly shot in the face.
Mr. Bean and Teddy host their TV shows on prime time performing increasingly moronic deeds. In one episode Mr. Bean seemingly forgot how to paint a wall, in another he seemingly forgot how to tune in a television. In one episode he seemingly forgot not to expose himself to the girls at the local swimming pool (actual episode). Although we are all grateful that Mr. Bean has not made an appearance for some time, it is feared that he may soon make another movie. If such a movie was announced it is said that the UK would rise immediately to Terror Level 8 (or black alert) and nuclear weapons would deploy immediately and strike Scunthorpe. Of course no one would notice the difference.
The Scroundrel Formerly Known as Prince Ludwig
Remember that one time when you were in college at the final party before you all broke up for the summer, and that tall, dashing gentleman came to speak to you? Yes? Well Prince Ludwig was the cheap prostitute you and your friends had hired for the party! A man of genius and an expert of disguise who can become any person or any sheep.
Prince Ludwig wants to rule the Universe but knows he cannot do it without a TARVIS of his own. So, using an array of wigs and animal costumes, he plans to seduce Dr. Blackadder so that he can steal the key whilst Dr. Blackadder is in the shower afterwards desperately trying to wash away the guilt and shame.
Tony Parsons is the evil Warlock who feasts upon the egos of those he has devoured mightfully with his razer sharp opinions in the Daily Mirror. He is a firm disbeliever of Dr. Blackadder, calling the evidence against such a persons existance as "piffle", "tosh", "nonsense", "nonsensical", "balderdash", "hogwash", "tommyrot", "claptrap" and "shit". He writes several articles about this weekly due to his belief that people care what he thinks about.
His schemes revolve around discrediting Dr. Blackadder and trying to show people how his existance is impossible. Fortunately for Dr. Blackadder nobody cares what he says, his page in the Daily Mirror routinely being the one used by most households to line the Kitty Litter tray.
The Americans are a group of ruthless Hollywood moguls who research many British triumphs in history and then re-write them to make it look like the Yanks had done it all instead.
Dr. Blackadder, a devout believer that anything and everything amazing in this world was undoubtedly due to the British, fights the Americans at every opportunity with sarcastic put-downs and perfectly timed insults about obesity and arrogance.
The Time Team Investigation
Tony Robinson has always been a firm believer in the existance of Dr. Blackadder and when the opportunity came for them to dig at Aldwick Castle, a site that has been historically linked to him, he jumped at the chance. In an attempt to make it entertaining he brought along Mick (because of the jumper), Phil (because of the accent), Carenza (because of the opportunity to then tell 'revealing of the jugs' jokes) and Robin (because of the bow tie). They settled down at Aldwick Castle and immediately got bladdered on Phil's stash of illegal Hooch Cider.
5 days later, after regaining consciousness in the Stomach Pumping ward of the local hospital, they remembered their task and set to work. Progress was slow but steadily a multitude of discoveries were made. Below is a list of things that Time Team discovered during their dig...
- The severed head of King Richard III (with crown still being worn).
- A silver spoon bent at the neck and with lighter burns on the bottom.
- French Pornography.
- A copy of 'Bean - The Ultimate Disaster Movie'.
- A copy of the Daily Mirror with Tony Parson's page missing.
- A cunning plan.
During the dig Robinson went to the local library in a desperate attempt to show to the team that he was a valuable resource and shouldn't be sacked. He went to the records office and found some startling information. He revealed later, after the team had all gotten rat-arsed on Brasso that had been filtered through a slice of bread, that Tony Robinson was the descendant of a servent named S. Baldrick, and they wondered aloud (between numerous, loud choruses of dirty rugby songs) whether or not this could be the Baldrick associated with Dr. Blackadder. Robinson also had other news, revealing that Mick's ancestry included a Poodle.
"Yes, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!" -Blackadder
"Anti-distinctly-minty..." -George the Prince Regent
"I've got a cunning plan..." -Baldrick
"YOU SHOT MY SPECKLED JIM?!!!!" -General Melchett
"Darling?! What kind of a last name is that?! The last person I called ' "Darling"' was pregnant 20 seconds later!" -Captain Flasheart
"That, Baldrick, is because you never said....Wibble"-Blackadder
"My God!" "Yes, I suppose I am!" -Lieutenant George and Captain Flasheart
"Uncle Blackadder, I don't think this is a good idea!" -Mikuru Asahina
"Baldrick, being in the company of Beelzebub and all of his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me, and this pencil...if we can't replace this dictionary!" -Blackadder to Baldrick
"Sausage Time!"- George the Prince Regent
"London, small town on Mars, just outside the capital city....Wibble."- Blackadder
"I've got a novel, Dr. Blackadder, and it goes like this: Once there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick and it lived happily ever after. The end." S.Baldrick
"Sod off and die."- Blackadder to just about everyone
"SHOUT, SHOUT, AND SHOUT AGAIN!" The Duke of Wellington to George the Prince Regent (Actually Dr. Blackadder)
It was discovered that in a rubbish bin in Scunthorpe (or rather in Scunthorpe in a rubbish bin, it really depends on your personal view) that there was a collection of old video cassettes which, once remastered, gave absolute proof of Dr. Blackadder's existence. The BBC, desperate to up their ratings in the 29th British Terrestrial Television War (which they would eventually win in a game of croquet, bought the tapes for a small sum and turned them into a critically acclaimed television series.
The first series documented Dr. Blackadder in the Middle Ages and followed his futile attempts to defeat the invading Americans. For this first series, only Baldrick alongside King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton, accompanied Dr. Blackadder in the TARVIS.
- The Foretelling - As The War Of The Daleks draws to a close, Dr. Blackadder takes desperate action. He steals the most feared weapon in the Universe, the Brainswapper and threatens to swap the bran of the Emperor Dalek with that of his own. The plan backfires and whilst Dr. Blackadder keeps his own brain, his companion Time Lord, Baldrick is turned into a human with the brain of an idiot covering the reality of an incredibly smart brain. Dr. Blackadder flees, taking Baldrick with him as someone he can vent his frustration at, whilst the Emperor Dalek perishes in a firestorm created by Baldrick knocking over a candle in the spare supplies room of the Dalek Mothership. Dr. Blackadder and Baldrick travel through time, but without any remote idea on how to fly it, they crash into England during the Middle Ages. However, as a result of Dr. Blackadder's meddling with time, a 25th Century American Taskforce has invaded Britain in the hope of changing greater history.
- Born To Be Dead - Dr. Blackadder quickly makes an enemy when Baldrick drives a horse through the American encampment. This causes moral outrage and Dr. Blackadder is hunted by American troops. In fear, he flees to Newcastle where the Americans bomb the city. Dr. Blackadder escapes and hatches a cunning plan to defeat the Americans by luring them into the sea with a trail of donuts.
- The Archbiscuit - After he accidentally markets biscuits as biscuits instead of cookies to the Americans, Baldrick is captured and is sentenced to execution. Dr. Blackadder, annoyed that he won't be the one to kill Bladrick ultimately, attacks on a horse but is repelles. Undeterred, he steals a tank and successfully rescues Baldrick in the process.
- The Queen of Spain's Vagina - When the Queen of Spain visits England to bring aid to the invading Americans, Dr. Blackadder attempts to murder hur. However, his plan backfires when Baldrick inadvertantly has sex with the Queen, and is declared King.
- The Episoide With That Title - Dr. Blackadder rides out to King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton to seek their help in defeating the Americans. Whilst they successfully rescue Baldrick and strip him of his title, the surviving Dalek Army attacks.
- The Black SEALs - Dr. Blackadder senses an opportunity to seize power when the Americans and Daleks go to war with each other over the town of Chesterfield. Unfortunately, King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton are killed, meaning that Dr. Blackadder and Baldrick have to flee. In the ensuring battle, both Americans and Daleks destroy each other, with the winner being declared as a lone Lancastrian.
Dr. Blackadder and Baldrick's adventures continued in a second series after the BBC saw how good the ratings were. The new series however more importantly attracted the real life Dr. Blackadder, Baldrick and Mikuru Asahina. The three secretly disguised themselves as members of the BBC catering team in order to discuss their newfound fame on TV. The second series took place in Elizabethan times.
One of the special episodes done by BBC was a re-make of the classic tale "A Christmas Carol". In it, Dr. Blackadder goes back in time to Victorian England, impersonating the ghost of Christmas past. He congratulated Ebeneezer Blackadder, owner of a mustache shop, on his good behavoir, but inadvertently convinced Ebeneezer that being evil is more fun. Ebeneezer Blackadder's descendants would go on to marry Queen Asphyxia XIX and rule the entire universe.