Doctor

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{{Wikipedia}}
 
{{Wikipedia}}
 
[[Image:Mmmyes.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Herr Doktor ist in.]]
 
[[Image:Mmmyes.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Herr Doktor ist in.]]
 
 
{{Q|Aaaaaahhhh!|Young Girl| Dr. Applecheeks}}
 
{{Q|Aaaaaahhhh!|Young Girl| Dr. Applecheeks}}
 
{{Q|He's a real Doctor with a Phd in Kicking Your ass!|Narrator|Dr. Tran}}
 
{{Q|He's a real Doctor with a Phd in Kicking Your ass!|Narrator|Dr. Tran}}
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== Doctor's Origins ==
 
== Doctor's Origins ==
   
The word '''DOCTOR''' comes from the Greek ''dokein'' meaning '''decent, as in "I thought I was going to make a '''decent''' living doing this sh*t."
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The word '''DOCTOR''' comes from the Greek 'dokein' meaning '''decent, as in "I thought I was going to make a '''decent''' living doing this shit."
   
 
== The Doctor is In ==
 
== The Doctor is In ==
*'''DOCTORS HATE THEIR PATIENTS.''' You need to understand and embrace this concept. I have personally referred to patients as "hoopleheads" and "that A-hole out in the waiting room." The sooner you come to terms with this the quicker you will understand the concept of "the rectal exam". You really don't think we know how much it hurts? We've gone to school longer than you've been alive - of course we know it hurts. '''That's why we do it.''' So sit down, shut up and quit trying to look up the nurses skirt.
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'''Doctors hate their patients.''' You need to understand and embrace this concept. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you will understand the principles behind digital rectal exams. You think they're checking you for an enlarged prostate but in reality, they're just shoving a finger up your ass because they can. Get over it.
   
 
== The doctor is high ==
 
== The doctor is high ==
....on making you feel better. Or Laughing Gas. Honestly. Pay no attention to my 8mm dilated pupils that are briskly reactive to light and uncontrollable drooling. And yes, it '''is''' normal for you to bleed that much every month.......
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...on the overwhelming sense of fulfillment that patient care brings to him. Or cocaine. Pay no attention to his 8mm dilated pupils and uncontrollable twitching. This is normal.
   
 
==The doctor will==
 
==The doctor will==
   
*"Cure" you about as often as Haley's Comet enters a near earth orbit
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*Cure you about as often as Haley's Comet enters a near earth orbit
   
*Get a boner during your Pap smear
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*Get a boner during your pelvic exam
   
*Tell you to relax and that you won't feel a thing, then hurt you so bad you scream in pain (VAS 10/10, felt over the anus, relieved by tramadol 17 tablets an hour)
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*Tell you to relax and that you won't feel a thing, then destroy you
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*Nod and go 'hmmmm' while examining your naked body
   
 
== Rubber gloves and other things... ==
 
== Rubber gloves and other things... ==
   
Doctors like to hurt you, and here are some tools of their trade:
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Doctors like to hurt you. Here are some tools of their trade:
   
*Latex gloves. See Latex allergy.
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*Speculums. Especially cold ones handled clumsily.
   
*Speculum. From the latin word specula meaning spectacular, as in "I'm going to have spectacular view of this 21 year old's you-know-what"
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*Needles. The bigger the better. Of course a good needle is useless if not paired with the most unskilled, shaky-handed nurse or phlebotomist in the world.
 
*Needles. You have a 106 degree fever, chills, night sweats, green frothy diarrhea and pustules from head to toe. You have approximately 14 and a half minutes to live. The doctor suggests an injection which will save your so far pathetic and pretty much meaningless life. STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY, FOR GOD"S SAKE.
 
   
 
*Your bill.
 
*Your bill.
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Never.
 
Never.
   
== Famous doctors ==
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==See also==
* [[Dr. Pepper]]
 
* [[Dr. Dre]]
 
* [[Dr. Seuss]]
 
*[[NWA|The DOC]]
 
* [[Doctor Yamak|Dr. Yamak]]
 
* [[Doctor Doom|Dr. Doom]]
 
* [[Dr. Sbaitso]]
 
* [[Dr. Leonard McCoy]]
 
* [[Dr. Who]]
 
* [[Dr. X]]
 
* [[Dr. Evil]]
 
* [[Doctor Zoidberg|Dr. Zoidberg]]
 
* [[Ian Paisley|Dr. Ian Paisley]]
 
* [[Dr. Wily]]
 
* [[Dr. Robotnik]]
 
* [[Dr. Feelgood]]
 
* Dr. Josef Mengele
 
 
==See Also==
 
 
{{Undictionary|Doctor}}
 
{{Undictionary|Doctor}}
 
* [[Nurse]]
 
* [[Nurse]]
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* [[Needle]]s
 
* [[Needle]]s
   
[[Category:Doctors| ]]
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{{Doctors}}
  +
 
[[Category:Medicine]]
 
[[Category:Medicine]]
 
[[Category:Drugs]]
 
[[Category:Drugs]]
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[[pl:Lekarz]]
 
[[pl:Lekarz]]
 
[[pt:Médico]]
 
[[pt:Médico]]
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[[sk:Doktor]]
 
[[zh:医生]]
 
[[zh:医生]]

Latest revision as of 17:06, December 11, 2013

Patronising

The friendly sign at the doctor's office, indicating a Ph.D.

Bouncywikilogo6
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Doctor.
Mmmyes

Herr Doktor ist in.

“Aaaaaahhhh!”
~ Young Girl on Dr. Applecheeks
“He's a real Doctor with a Phd in Kicking Your ass!”
~ Narrator on Dr. Tran

A doctor is nothing more than a drug dealer with a college degree (Note: Since Dr Dre has finished his degree, he should now be referred to as Dr.Dre, Ph.D. - not to be confused with Snoop Dogg, who has the title Pc.P.). It should also be noted that doctors are paid to be cruel and are frequently torture hobbyists, who like to poke people with sharp objects, administer nasty tasting medications, give enemas, and do other things that cause previously normal people to look like trees and feel like potential violent criminals. In fact, the people they treat are called "patients" for putting up with their sadistic experiments and cruel acts. A more accurate term is victims. A doctor has to say a "hypocritical oath," which means that they can nag you about your own eating habits while being a lardass him/herself. So, forget about anatomy and forget about diseases - if you're really ill, don't waste your money; pop some DayQuills and a GinTonic and you're far better off. Doctors should ONLY be consulted when you need to get high. So, now to the essentials - how to get cheap dope from 'em. Often, doctors give head to patients to ease their pain and distract their mind from seeing minge.


edit Doctor's Origins

The word DOCTOR comes from the Greek 'dokein' meaning decent, as in "I thought I was going to make a decent living doing this shit."

edit The Doctor is In

Doctors hate their patients. You need to understand and embrace this concept. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner you will understand the principles behind digital rectal exams. You think they're checking you for an enlarged prostate but in reality, they're just shoving a finger up your ass because they can. Get over it.

edit The doctor is high

...on the overwhelming sense of fulfillment that patient care brings to him. Or cocaine. Pay no attention to his 8mm dilated pupils and uncontrollable twitching. This is normal.

edit The doctor will

  • Cure you about as often as Haley's Comet enters a near earth orbit
  • Get a boner during your pelvic exam
  • Tell you to relax and that you won't feel a thing, then destroy you
  • Nod and go 'hmmmm' while examining your naked body

edit Rubber gloves and other things...

Doctors like to hurt you. Here are some tools of their trade:

  • Speculums. Especially cold ones handled clumsily.
  • Needles. The bigger the better. Of course a good needle is useless if not paired with the most unskilled, shaky-handed nurse or phlebotomist in the world.
  • Your bill.

edit The Doctor Is Out

This is what is known in layman's terms as "Wednesday". Please have the courtesy to get sick another day.

edit When a doctor is incorrect

Never.

edit See also

Pencil2
Look up Doctor in Undictionary, the twisted dictionary
Mentalsex
Doctors
They are good for what ails ye
Dr. DoomDr. DreDr. FeelgoodDr. McCoyDr. Ian PaisleyDr. PepperDr. RobotnikDr. SbaitsoDr. SeussThe DOCDr. WhoDr. WilyDr. YamakDr. ZoidbergDr. H. Shipman
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