Dmitri Shostakovich

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{{Q|That guy needs to cheer the fuck up.|Oscar Wilde|Dmitri Shostakovich}}
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[[Image:Shostakovichportraitphoto.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Shostakovich at an audition for the eponymous starring role in an early Soviet TV production of [[Harry Potter]]]]
 
{{Q|When you play dodgeball, it's always important that you choose the bigger, and stronger kids on your team. That way you can gang up on the smaller, nerdy, and glasses-wearing kids, like Dmitri here.|Patches O'Houlihan|Dodgeball}}
 
{{Q|When you play dodgeball, it's always important that you choose the bigger, and stronger kids on your team. That way you can gang up on the smaller, nerdy, and glasses-wearing kids, like Dmitri here.|Patches O'Houlihan|Dodgeball}}
{{Q| Portraying Dmitri in Harry Potter was so amazing, yet each day I felt my character was becoming more like Edward Scissorhands than Houdini."|Daniel Radcliffe|Shostakovich}}
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{{Q|Portraying Dmitri in Harry Potter was so amazing, yet each day I felt my character was becoming more like Edward Scissorhands than Houdini."|Daniel Radcliffe|Shostakovich}}
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'''Dmitri Dmitrison "Shostie" von Shostakovich''' (born 1906 C.E.) was a [[USSR|Soviet]] composer of [[emo|emo music]] and popular television actor. Today his fan base consists mainly of [[LiveJournal|depressed teenagers]] and his television show survives in syndication on [[Fox]]. He is most famous for his eighth string quartet, written to encourage his fanbase to slit their wrists.
[[Image:Shostakovichportraitphoto.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Shostakovich at an audition for the eponymous starring role in an early Soviet TV production of [[Harry Potter]]]]
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
'''Dmitri Dmitrison "Shostie" von Shostakovich''' (born 1906 C.E.) was a [[USSR|Soviet]] composer of [[emo|emo music]] and popular television actor. Today his fan base consists mainly of [[LiveJournal|depressed teenagers]] and his television show survives in syndication on [[Fox]].
 
   
 
==Early Life & Education==
 
==Early Life & Education==
Dmitri Shostakovich began his formal music education at the age of 5, in an elementary school in the village of Klod, Siberia. The only school within 10,784 miles to teach the infamous Orff Method, Klod Elementary was the perfect match for young Shostakovich, who once asked his music teacher, "But where are the actual notes?"
+
Dmitri Shostakovich began his formal music education at the age of 5, in an elementary school in the village of Shmukz, Siberia. The only school within 10,784 miles to teach the infamous Orff Method, Schmukz Elementary Modern was the perfect match for young Shostakovich, who once asked his music teacher, "But where are the actual notes?"
   
Criticised for his lack of appreciation for instruments that did not need to be thwacked to produce the majority of the score, Shostakovich was summarily expelled from Klod Elementary with a recommendation that no music school in the district take him on as a student. Young Dmitri passed several years searching for a school that would enroll him, though this is partially due to his search being interrupted every twenty minutes for him to break down and weep, morosely playing his [[violin]] to anyone who would listen.
+
Criticised even at this early age for his so-called "formalism" (a Soviet term meaning "For Christ's sake stop making that filthy racket") Shostakovich was rapidly kicked upwards with a certificate of entry into the famous St Petersburg Observatory in Leningrad, Nebraska. Here he spent several years under the inspired tutelage of the celebrated composer and drunkard Alexander Alexander Alexander Glazinova, whose inspirational teachings were mainly communicated in the form of snores, belches and farts. It was while under this influence that Shostakovich wrote his earliest pieces, such as his well known Five Thingies for Piano. In these years he was also mainly occupied in drinking vodka, playing ragtime on the theramin, weeping uncontrollably for grief at Mother Russia, and morosely playing his [[violin]] to anyone who would listen.
  +
{{wikipedia}}
  +
"Anyone who would listen" turned out to be the KGB, because that's what they did (the KGB motto was: "Don't bother whispering, we can hear you anyway"), and in 1920, he was abducted by the Supreme Soviet (a caped crusader who flew over the Urals with one arm outstretched and heroically rescued tractors from evil capitalistic combine harvesters). Dmitri Dmitriovich Dimitrianov Dimitri Shostakovich spent several months in prison. The squealing of the rats, grunts of forced laborers, and the dripping water inspired his sketches of this period, which in 1937 were compiled into the famous 5th Symphony, known as "The Soviet Artist's Response to being Whacked Over the Head with a Shovel".
   
Anyone who would listen turned out to be the KGB, because they had a habit of listening to you anyway, and in 1920, he was abducted by the State. He spent several months in prison. The squealing of the rats, grunts of forced laborers, and the dripping water inspired his sketches of this period, which in 1937 were compiled into the famous 5th Symphony, also known as the Stalingrad Symphony.
+
Using a fake ID to enroll in the Odessa Conservatory three years before the legal [[Russian]] composition age of 21, Shostakovich was a quiet presence on campus. But beneath the exterior smoldered rebellion, and also a portable kerosene stove that Shostakovich kept in his underwear "to keep the Urals warm" as he would explain confidentially. He was nearly kicked out on three occasions for chromatic truancy, missing all the lectures about the major mode and several instrumentation seminars on appropriate [[french horn]] registers and [[trombone]] clef writing. He also missed lectures that laid out guidelines on playable tempos especially with regard to festival overtures, and was temporarily suspended for insinuating that the rationalised Soviet triangle with two sides was inadequate compared to Western models.
 
Using a fake ID to enroll in the Odessa Conservatory three years before the legal [[Russian]] composition age of 21, Shostakovich was a quiet presence on campus. But beneath the exterior smoldered rebellion, and also a portable kerosene stove that Shostakovich often kept in his underwear. He was nearly kicked out on three occasions for chromatic truancy, missing all the lectures about the major mode and several instrumentation lectures on appropriate [[french horn]] registers and [[trombone]] clef writing,he also missed lectures that laid out guidelines on playable tempos especially with regard to festival overtures and was temporarily suspended for insinuating that the 2-sided Soviet triangle was inadequate compared to Western models.
 
   
 
==Professional Career==
 
==Professional Career==
Line 15: Line 15:
 
At the end of the [[World War II|second world war]], Shostakovich embarked upon a little-known television acting career to supplement his meager income as a composer. He auditioned frequently but was awarded few roles.
 
At the end of the [[World War II|second world war]], Shostakovich embarked upon a little-known television acting career to supplement his meager income as a composer. He auditioned frequently but was awarded few roles.
   
His first success in television arose with the early Soviet [[Reality TV]] programme "[[The OC]]" based on (and named after) his time at the Odessa Conservatory. Shostakovich, son of the wealthy son of rich internet tycoon [[Josef Stalin|Al Stalin]], dismisses his father's wishes in pursuit of his dream of one day becoming a real live human composer. The series finally ends happily when Shostakovich realizes the silly error of his ways and exiles himself to the Gulag to die of frostbite, hypothermia, and malnutrition. His last line in the show was "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
+
His first success in television arose with the early Soviet [[Reality TV]] programme "[[The OC]]" based on (and named after) his time at the Odessa Conservatory. Shostakovich, son of the wealthy son of rich internet tycoon [[Josef Stalin|Al Stalin]], dismisses his father's wishes in pursuit of his dream of one day becoming a real live human composer. The series finally ends happily when Shostakovich realizes the silly error of his ways and exiles himself to the Gulag to die of frostbite, hypothermia, malnutrition and a slight cold. His last line in the show was "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
   
 
===Harry Potter Controversy===
 
===Harry Potter Controversy===
   
In 1997, [[J.K. Rowling]] published a well-known biography on Shostakovich--The Harry Potter Series. Harry Potter was the pen-name used by our very own Shostie in his diaries. After his final arrest, the diaries were confescated by Russian police and sold for a high sum to an anonymous British publishing company. Apparently, Ms. Rowling was an intern who had majored in Russian diary reproductions and fantasy editing.
+
In 1997, [[J.K. Rowling]] published a well-known biography on Shostakovich--The Harry Potter Series. Harry Potter was the pen-name used by our very own Shostie in his diaries. After his final arrest, the diaries were confiscated by Russian police and sold for a high sum to an anonymous British publishing company. Apparently, Ms. Rowling was an intern who had majored in Russian diary reproductions and fantasy editing.
   
''The Harry Potter Series is not to be confused with Bela Bartok's autobiographical books-[[Twilight Saga]]: A love triangle of vampire Edward Grieg, Gordon Jacob Black and his gay lover, Bela Swan''.
+
''The Harry Potter Series'' is not to be confused with Bela Bartok's autobiographical books, ''[[Twilight Saga]]: A love triangle of vampire Edward Grieg, Gordon Jacob Black and his gay lover, Bela Swan. Obviously.''
   
 
In this series, we learn that his composition was not a natural birth from his creative mind, but rather part of his ever-evolving craft of [[Wizard]]ry. The keen observer will notice that in his later years, he often conducted concerts with not a tiny white stick, but a magic [[Wand of Gamelon]. Azkaban, where he claims to be a prisoner, was actually a province of the Soviet [[Russia]] where composers were often locked away to prevent anyone from harming them. He wasn't truly a prisoner, but more of a composition slave for the Slavic [[Order of the Phoenix]] . He'd be locked away for hours in a room of pitch black with only a pencil, a knife, and manuscript paper. There were no potty breaks allowed outside of the dungeon and endless servings of water laced with cholera bacterium. This period marked the beginning of his final work on the Chamber Music of Secrets. It was here he was inspired to compose the Symphony No. 13, or "Deathly Hallows" symphony.
 
In this series, we learn that his composition was not a natural birth from his creative mind, but rather part of his ever-evolving craft of [[Wizard]]ry. The keen observer will notice that in his later years, he often conducted concerts with not a tiny white stick, but a magic [[Wand of Gamelon]. Azkaban, where he claims to be a prisoner, was actually a province of the Soviet [[Russia]] where composers were often locked away to prevent anyone from harming them. He wasn't truly a prisoner, but more of a composition slave for the Slavic [[Order of the Phoenix]] . He'd be locked away for hours in a room of pitch black with only a pencil, a knife, and manuscript paper. There were no potty breaks allowed outside of the dungeon and endless servings of water laced with cholera bacterium. This period marked the beginning of his final work on the Chamber Music of Secrets. It was here he was inspired to compose the Symphony No. 13, or "Deathly Hallows" symphony.
Line 28: Line 28:
   
 
===Composition===
 
===Composition===
Musicolologists usually classify Shostakovich's various musical output into three distinct periods. His first period (often known as his '''dark period''') is characterized by a preponderance of minor keys and a pointed lack of cheer. Upon a close personal encounter with death, he joined the [[Church of Scientology]] and rapidly transitioned to his popular '''emo period'''. Shostakovich's style during this period combined his previous darkness with the Far Out proto-emo style of [[Gustav Mahler]]. It was during this period that, in keeping with emo tradition, Shostakovich would cry for several hours until his four eyes bled before composing. He wrote symphonies and string quartets and concertos and all other sorts of funeral music for his rich old emo friend Al Stalin. Al's eventual death crushed Shostakovich, but this again drove him to his final style - his so-called '''depressed period'''. It was during this last phase of his life that he wrote his [[violin]], [[cello]] and [[piano da gamba]] concerti, which confirmed his diagnosis of clinical [[depression]]. All of his works during this period were characterized by pervasive misdemeanor plagiarism, but [[John Williams]] was composing his score to [[Star Wars]] and nobody noticed Shostakovich's less visible crimes.
+
Musicolologists usually classify Shostakovich's various musical output into three distinct periods. His first period (often known as his '''dark period''') is characterized by a preponderance of minor keys and a pointed lack of cheer. Upon a close personal encounter with death, he joined the [[Church of Scientology]] and rapidly transitioned to his popular '''emo period'''. Shostakovich's style during this period combined his previous darkness with the Far Out proto-emo style of [[Gustav Mahler]]. It was during this period that, in keeping with emo tradition, Shostakovich would cry for several hours until his four eyes bled before composing. He wrote symphonies and string quartets and concertos and stuff like that for his rich old emo friend Al Stalin. Al's eventual death crushed Shostakovich, but this again drove him to his final style - his so-called '''depressed period'''. It was during this last phase of his life that he wrote his [[violin]], [[cello]] and [[piano da gamba]] concerti, which confirmed his diagnosis of clinical [[depression]]. All of his works during this period were characterized by pervasive misdemeanor plagiarism, but [[John Williams]] was composing his score to [[Star Wars]] and nobody noticed Shostakovich's less visible crimes.
 
Today, Shostakovich's oevrrrrrrre is most noted for his three [[opera|operas]] "The Nose, "Rothchild's Violin," and "The Big Lightning," which comprise his famous "Thing Cycle." When working on his operas, Shostakovich was meticulous and systematic, and he always met his librettists early in the morning. According to his own ''Testimony [...]'', he "disliked working during the night, quite unlike the Bohemian way" (an obvious pun on the surname of the Armenian composer [[Levon Bohemyan]] who was always composing during the night, but nevertheless had a great influence on Shostakovich's style).
 
 
His works consist mainly of [[death]] marches, waltzes to accompany [[occult]] [[Satan|Satanic]] rituals, and [[war]] music depicting gunfire (see Symphony Nos. 4 through 13).
 
 
==Works==
 
===Orchestral===
 
*Symphonies
 
**Symphony No. 1 "The Emo Symphony"
 
**Symphony No. 2 in seventy-eight sharps, for orchestra with moaning ghouls instead of strings and a bunch of Russian peasants writhing on the floor screaming (In the recording you can hear the police sirens coming to arrest D.D.S)
 
**Symphony No. 3 in E flat major? ''The 31st of June'' (a patriotic challenge to the Gregorian Calendar)
 
**Symphony No. 4 in C minor ''What Symphony, Mr. Stalin?''
 
**Symphony No. 5 in [[DD]] minor ''A Soviet Artist's Reply To Just Criticism (in Third Person) While Undergoing Monstrous Testicular Torture With A Frighteningly Large Ejaculation Probe By Agents Of The Glorious Proletarian Vanguard''
 
**Symphony No. 6 in Q sharp double-semidiminished-not-major "Russia has no Pastoral Symphony"
 
**Symphony No. 7 in C flat majorish, to be fought in Leningrad
 
**Symphony No. 8 in C flat minor, to be fought in Stalingrad
 
**Symphony No. 9 in E 1/4-flat "the emo in disguise"
 
**Symphony No. 10 in S sharp minor, for timpani tuned to D, S, C, and H
 
**Symphony No. 11 in [[ :(]] minor ''The Positive Integer 1905''
 
**Symphony No. 12 in [[ :p]] minor ''The Positive Integer 1917''
 
**Symphony No. 13 in B flat-flat-flat-tire ''Baba O'Riley''
 
**Symphony No. 14 in $&%@#* double-sharp minor minor for strings, noise, and two suicidal soloists
 
**Symphony No. 15 in A Quintuple-sharp major, for percussion, The Lone Ranger and Wagner's Ghost.
 
*Concerti
 
**Concerto for Depressed Violin No. 1 (includes the hit single movement "[[Satan]] is Spelled D-S-C-H")
 
**Concerto for Depressed Violin No. 2
 
**Concerto for Depressed Cello No. 1 for cellist and three-piece orchestra
 
**Concerto for Repressed Cello No. 2 for cellist and bi-curious french horn
 
**Concerto for Piano da Gamba No. 1 (for [[piano]], [[bagpipe]], and [[fiddle|fiddles]])
 
**Concerto for Piano da Gamba No. 2 (for amateur pianist and animated toy soldiers)
 
*Suite from ''Hamlet''
 
*Suite from ''The Gadfly''
 
*Suite from ''The Horsefly''
 
*Suite from ''Hamlet'' "In case people forgot I wrote a suite for ''Hamlet'' in my early life"
 
*''Festering Overture''
 
*''The Execution of Stepping Raisins''
 
   
===Operas===
+
It was in 2010, following the death of Stalin, that Shostakovich wrote his famous Symphony no.10, which employs for the first time his celebrated motif consisting of the notes I-H-A-T-E-S-T-A-L-I-N-E-S-P-E-C-I-A-L-L-Y-H-I-S-M-O-U-S-T-A-C-H-E-W-H-I-C-H-L-O-O-K-S-L-I-K-E-T-W-O-S-L-U-G-S-P-R-E-T-E-N-D-I-N-G-T-O-B-E-A-N-A-E-R-O-P-L-A-N-E in German notation, or, as musicologists refer to it for short, his "I Hate Stalin Especially His Moustache Which Looks Like Two Slugs Pretending To Be An Aeroplane" motif. Shostakovich reused this motif in every subsequent work, much to the annoyance of everyone who was hoping he'd write something new instead, but when challenged by Soviet Apparatchiks with the meaning of this code, he would shrug his shoulders and say, "Who knew?"
*''The Nose''
 
*''The Eyes''
 
*''The Other Various Body Parts I Have Chopped Off''
 
*''Rothchild's Violin''
 
*''The Big Lightning''
 
*''Lady MacBurnt of the Fire District'' (Sponsored by the Socialist Firemen Association)
 
   
===Ballets===
+
Today, Shostakovich's oevrrrrrrre is most noted for his three [[opera|operas]] "Nostril," "Orango," (the source of the celebrated Orango Tango) and "Lady Macbeth of the Mstensk District, Not That She's Called Lady Macbeth, It's More Like a Kind of Metaphor, Except She Doesn't Encourage Her Husband To Go Round Killing People And She Doesn't Sleepwalk And On The Whole She's Nothing Like Lady Macbeth", which comprise his well known, famous and celebrated "Three Works Which Have Nothing To Do With Each Other Cycle." When working on his operas, Shostakovich was meticulous and systematic, and he always met his librettists early in the morning. According to his memoirs ''Testy Moany'', he "disliked working during the night, quite unlike the Bohemian way" (a hilarious pun on the surname of the Armenian composer [[Levon Bohemyan]] who always composed during the night on the grounds that "daylight is the enemy of tuneful joy", but despite being obviously nuts had a great influence on Shostakovich's style).
*''The Age of Gold''
 
*''The Age of Stalin'' (composed for [[Stalin]]'s birthday)
 
*''The Age of Aquarius'' (often improperly attributed to Galt MacDermot)
 
''The Stronganoff in My Pants"
 
   
===Chamber Music===
+
His works consist mainly of [[death]] marches, waltzes intended to accompany [[occult]] [[Satan|Satanic]] rituals and other periods of Soviet celebration, and of course his famous [[war]] music (so called because they consist of Gopeks and Lezghinkas punctuated by the sound of people saying "Whooarr!"). He also wrote symphonies, string quartets, concertos and ballets, but these are of negligible importance.
*String Quartets
 
**String Quartet No. 1 "Screechy"
 
**String Quartet No. 2 "Extremely Screechy"
 
**String Quartet No. 3 "Screeching Some More"
 
**String Quartet No. 4 "Dustin Diamond"
 
**String Quartet No. 5 "Not Mahler"
 
**String Quartet No. 6 "Not Mahler, once again"
 
**String Quartet No. 7 "Pepperoni Pizza-cato"
 
**String Quartet No. 8 "Help me! I'm stuck in a string quartet factory!"
 
**String Quartet No. 9 "Hooked on Chamber Phonics"
 
**String Quartet No. 10 "The Tenth Quartet for Strings"
 
**String Quartet No. 11 "Attention Deficit Disco"
 
**String Quartet No. 12 "Hey guys, I can do 12-tone too!"
 
**String Quartet No. 13 for depressed viola and jazz groupies
 
**String Quartet No. 14 "I'm not dead yet"
 
**String Quartet No. 15 "Deathly slow" for quartet of flies dying in midair of boredom
 
*Sonatas
 
**Sonata No.1 for [[Drunk Pianist]]
 
**Sonata No.2 for [[Hungover Pianist]]
 
**Sonata for Violin - First Vodka
 
**Sonata for Violoncello - seCo..Nd Voaoaodka
 
**Sonata for Viola - th...third (hic) Vodko? ...Oooh! is this Beethoven?
 
   
 
{{Russian composers}}
 
{{Russian composers}}

Latest revision as of 11:05, June 10, 2014

Shostakovichportraitphoto

Shostakovich at an audition for the eponymous starring role in an early Soviet TV production of Harry Potter

“When you play dodgeball, it's always important that you choose the bigger, and stronger kids on your team. That way you can gang up on the smaller, nerdy, and glasses-wearing kids, like Dmitri here.”
~ Patches O'Houlihan on Dodgeball
“Portraying Dmitri in Harry Potter was so amazing, yet each day I felt my character was becoming more like Edward Scissorhands than Houdini."”
~ Daniel Radcliffe on Shostakovich

Dmitri Dmitrison "Shostie" von Shostakovich (born 1906 C.E.) was a Soviet composer of emo music and popular television actor. Today his fan base consists mainly of depressed teenagers and his television show survives in syndication on Fox. He is most famous for his eighth string quartet, written to encourage his fanbase to slit their wrists.

edit Early Life & Education

Dmitri Shostakovich began his formal music education at the age of 5, in an elementary school in the village of Shmukz, Siberia. The only school within 10,784 miles to teach the infamous Orff Method, Schmukz Elementary Modern was the perfect match for young Shostakovich, who once asked his music teacher, "But where are the actual notes?"

Criticised even at this early age for his so-called "formalism" (a Soviet term meaning "For Christ's sake stop making that filthy racket") Shostakovich was rapidly kicked upwards with a certificate of entry into the famous St Petersburg Observatory in Leningrad, Nebraska. Here he spent several years under the inspired tutelage of the celebrated composer and drunkard Alexander Alexander Alexander Glazinova, whose inspirational teachings were mainly communicated in the form of snores, belches and farts. It was while under this influence that Shostakovich wrote his earliest pieces, such as his well known Five Thingies for Piano. In these years he was also mainly occupied in drinking vodka, playing ragtime on the theramin, weeping uncontrollably for grief at Mother Russia, and morosely playing his violin to anyone who would listen.

Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dmitri Shostakovich.

"Anyone who would listen" turned out to be the KGB, because that's what they did (the KGB motto was: "Don't bother whispering, we can hear you anyway"), and in 1920, he was abducted by the Supreme Soviet (a caped crusader who flew over the Urals with one arm outstretched and heroically rescued tractors from evil capitalistic combine harvesters). Dmitri Dmitriovich Dimitrianov Dimitri Shostakovich spent several months in prison. The squealing of the rats, grunts of forced laborers, and the dripping water inspired his sketches of this period, which in 1937 were compiled into the famous 5th Symphony, known as "The Soviet Artist's Response to being Whacked Over the Head with a Shovel".

Using a fake ID to enroll in the Odessa Conservatory three years before the legal Russian composition age of 21, Shostakovich was a quiet presence on campus. But beneath the exterior smoldered rebellion, and also a portable kerosene stove that Shostakovich kept in his underwear "to keep the Urals warm" as he would explain confidentially. He was nearly kicked out on three occasions for chromatic truancy, missing all the lectures about the major mode and several instrumentation seminars on appropriate french horn registers and trombone clef writing. He also missed lectures that laid out guidelines on playable tempos especially with regard to festival overtures, and was temporarily suspended for insinuating that the rationalised Soviet triangle with two sides was inadequate compared to Western models.

edit Professional Career

edit Television

At the end of the second world war, Shostakovich embarked upon a little-known television acting career to supplement his meager income as a composer. He auditioned frequently but was awarded few roles.

His first success in television arose with the early Soviet Reality TV programme "The OC" based on (and named after) his time at the Odessa Conservatory. Shostakovich, son of the wealthy son of rich internet tycoon Al Stalin, dismisses his father's wishes in pursuit of his dream of one day becoming a real live human composer. The series finally ends happily when Shostakovich realizes the silly error of his ways and exiles himself to the Gulag to die of frostbite, hypothermia, malnutrition and a slight cold. His last line in the show was "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

edit Harry Potter Controversy

In 1997, J.K. Rowling published a well-known biography on Shostakovich--The Harry Potter Series. Harry Potter was the pen-name used by our very own Shostie in his diaries. After his final arrest, the diaries were confiscated by Russian police and sold for a high sum to an anonymous British publishing company. Apparently, Ms. Rowling was an intern who had majored in Russian diary reproductions and fantasy editing.

The Harry Potter Series is not to be confused with Bela Bartok's autobiographical books, Twilight Saga: A love triangle of vampire Edward Grieg, Gordon Jacob Black and his gay lover, Bela Swan. Obviously.

In this series, we learn that his composition was not a natural birth from his creative mind, but rather part of his ever-evolving craft of Wizardry. The keen observer will notice that in his later years, he often conducted concerts with not a tiny white stick, but a magic [[Wand of Gamelon]. Azkaban, where he claims to be a prisoner, was actually a province of the Soviet Russia where composers were often locked away to prevent anyone from harming them. He wasn't truly a prisoner, but more of a composition slave for the Slavic Order of the Phoenix . He'd be locked away for hours in a room of pitch black with only a pencil, a knife, and manuscript paper. There were no potty breaks allowed outside of the dungeon and endless servings of water laced with cholera bacterium. This period marked the beginning of his final work on the Chamber Music of Secrets. It was here he was inspired to compose the Symphony No. 13, or "Deathly Hallows" symphony.

Dmitri sought damages for defamation of character even though it was all true and J.K. Rowling was sentenced to life in Prison without parole. Daniel Radcliffe was also forced to sign a non-compete clause and is signed to appear in at least 2 sitcoms portraying the 'positive' minor life of Shostakovich.

edit Composition

Musicolologists usually classify Shostakovich's various musical output into three distinct periods. His first period (often known as his dark period) is characterized by a preponderance of minor keys and a pointed lack of cheer. Upon a close personal encounter with death, he joined the Church of Scientology and rapidly transitioned to his popular emo period. Shostakovich's style during this period combined his previous darkness with the Far Out proto-emo style of Gustav Mahler. It was during this period that, in keeping with emo tradition, Shostakovich would cry for several hours until his four eyes bled before composing. He wrote symphonies and string quartets and concertos and stuff like that for his rich old emo friend Al Stalin. Al's eventual death crushed Shostakovich, but this again drove him to his final style - his so-called depressed period. It was during this last phase of his life that he wrote his violin, cello and piano da gamba concerti, which confirmed his diagnosis of clinical depression. All of his works during this period were characterized by pervasive misdemeanor plagiarism, but John Williams was composing his score to Star Wars and nobody noticed Shostakovich's less visible crimes.

It was in 2010, following the death of Stalin, that Shostakovich wrote his famous Symphony no.10, which employs for the first time his celebrated motif consisting of the notes I-H-A-T-E-S-T-A-L-I-N-E-S-P-E-C-I-A-L-L-Y-H-I-S-M-O-U-S-T-A-C-H-E-W-H-I-C-H-L-O-O-K-S-L-I-K-E-T-W-O-S-L-U-G-S-P-R-E-T-E-N-D-I-N-G-T-O-B-E-A-N-A-E-R-O-P-L-A-N-E in German notation, or, as musicologists refer to it for short, his "I Hate Stalin Especially His Moustache Which Looks Like Two Slugs Pretending To Be An Aeroplane" motif. Shostakovich reused this motif in every subsequent work, much to the annoyance of everyone who was hoping he'd write something new instead, but when challenged by Soviet Apparatchiks with the meaning of this code, he would shrug his shoulders and say, "Who knew?"

Today, Shostakovich's oevrrrrrrre is most noted for his three operas "Nostril," "Orango," (the source of the celebrated Orango Tango) and "Lady Macbeth of the Mstensk District, Not That She's Called Lady Macbeth, It's More Like a Kind of Metaphor, Except She Doesn't Encourage Her Husband To Go Round Killing People And She Doesn't Sleepwalk And On The Whole She's Nothing Like Lady Macbeth", which comprise his well known, famous and celebrated "Three Works Which Have Nothing To Do With Each Other Cycle." When working on his operas, Shostakovich was meticulous and systematic, and he always met his librettists early in the morning. According to his memoirs Testy Moany, he "disliked working during the night, quite unlike the Bohemian way" (a hilarious pun on the surname of the Armenian composer Levon Bohemyan who always composed during the night on the grounds that "daylight is the enemy of tuneful joy", but despite being obviously nuts had a great influence on Shostakovich's style).

His works consist mainly of death marches, waltzes intended to accompany occult Satanic rituals and other periods of Soviet celebration, and of course his famous war music (so called because they consist of Gopeks and Lezghinkas punctuated by the sound of people saying "Whooarr!"). He also wrote symphonies, string quartets, concertos and ballets, but these are of negligible importance.

Drunk Russian Composers
Modest Mussorgsky | Sergei Prokofiev | Sergei Rachmaninoff | Dmitri Shostakovich | Igor Stravinsky | Pyotr Tchaikovsky
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