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The Starving, Plague-Ridden Hellhole of Djibouti
|Motto: "Please don't kill us" which replaced "That's the Way I Like It" when things started to get rough|
|Anthem: "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Djibouti" which became a hit for KC and the Sunshine Band after they fled the country in 1976|
|Capital||Djibouti (how original)|
|Largest city||Your Mother|
|Official language(s)||Sobbing, pleading|
|National Hero(es)||That one guy who made it out|
|July 27, 1977 (no more natives to kill/exploit/make fun of)|
|Population||Starved to death in 1990|
|Major exports||Citizens,feces,blood,body parts,AIDS,and crappy Save The Children commercials.|
|Major imports||Foreigners mocking citizens,chainsaws,gay relief teams,STD's, and Enslave the Children commercials (US, 19th century).|
|Natural Resources||misery, famine, disease,and the occasionally frequent Herpes outbreak.|
I bet you just typed Djibouti in for the hell of it, didn't you? Congratulations for laughing at the expense of a destitute, poverty-stricken African nation. Its starving, diseased citizens thank you for making fun of their horrible situation. Admittedly, there is not much else to do about it.
Created by the French as a practical joke, Djibouti was a regular source of amusement for France's ruler, an 8-year-old boy. France regularly tried to exploit the nation's lack of natural resources till it became clear there were none. The French also kept the natives from killing each other for a few centuries until July 27, 1977, when the joke got old and France ditched it in favor of attempting to annex the Greek island Lesbos. Without anyone there to stop them, the natives began to oppress and kill each other and Djibouti collapsed into a bloody civil war until it was established that there was actually nothing worth fighting over.
Although the country is bordered by Ethiopia, Somalia and a small nation no one's ever heard of, and has a prime location in Africa, Djibouti has yet to start a brutal, machete-driven ethnic cleansing. However, the country has gone through several civil wars, such as the War of the Empty Soup Can (1978-1988), the subsequent civil war over the outcome of the previous civil war, the civil war over the results of that civil war (the War of the Outcome of the War of the Outcome of the War of the Empty Soup Can), and the War of Ridiculously-Named Civil Wars. The last peace has been declared as of July 2012. All parties concerned re-discovered that there was nothing in Djbouti worth fighting over; this had previously been discovered after the first civil war, but subsequently lost sight of during the wrangling over the peace.
“To lose one arm may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both, looks like carelessness.”
Although Djibouti's citizens are primarily concerned with getting through the day without starving or losing their other arm, some actually pay attention to politics, particularly what their government is currently doing to make their situation worse.
The standard political debate is common, though these typically end with one participant beating his opponent to death and declaring himself the winner.
Djibouti's president recently ran unopposed and won reelection with a landside two million votes, or four times as many people than are in Djibouti, cast for him. As in most African democracies, the president usually serves until machete-wielding rebels stage a coup d'état and violently execute him, or for his entire life, which usually ends with his overthrow and violent execution. This is unlikely to happen to the imcumbent President, due to his immense popularity amongst Djiboutians.
Djibouti is a one-party state, which means that only one party can take place in the country at one time. Opposition parties are allowed, but these are extremely boring, and the few that attend, along with the party's organizer, usually turn up dead with several limbs unaccounted for. The goal of this is to ensure that the country's citizens are as miserable as possible.
In 2007, a law was passed that has finally given women equal rights to chickens. Women are now no longer to be beaten by male children, unless the child has the fathers consent.
Djibouti (did yo booty) is the first country in modern Africa to embrace the idea of meritocracy. The number of instances that a chosen representative from each region can say 'red leather, yellow leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather' decides the number of votes that area gets for the Presidential election. A President can then appoint 4 ministers for squirrel relations; 4 ministers for the Development of Teletubbies; 4 ministers for Sporks; 4 ministers who can speak like John F. Kennedy when necessary; and 4 ministers for annoying people by singing Emo songs on the subway. It is a necessity that all ministers have unusual hair.
The country also has a 113-member Senate. In each region of the country, prospective senators have to dress up like Paris Hilton and read out War and Peace by Tolstoy, from their memory. The persons who were most impressive in doing this become Senators for eight and three-quarter years. There are two main political parties in Djibouti, which mainly serve to give out on how to speed-read. The Haves and the Have-Knots, although the reactionary group, the Chav-nots, has done particularly well in the south of the country.
Djibouti's economy is diverse, although admittedly it is mostly service-based. Djibouti trades many things with Belgium and Denmark, including used teethbrish, guides on how to speak Lithuanian, pet mosquitoes and copies of Beck's album, Sea Change, which were planted in New Houston as an attempt to increase depression emission. Djibouti also exports rappers to communities abroad that wish to feel more urban. All of this has led to a stable economy, and to Djibouti's success as a cloning nation.
It is known that Djibouti, depends on selling fake movies of starving children to other African countries or NGOs to 'Get De Moneis'. The Americans have waged a war on scammers, and plan to send troops from Afghanistan to Djibouti, but they can't find it. The French were asked, but they just shrugged. It is also the leader of the ASC (African Scamming Community) that is co-chaired by Nigeria, more specifically the Nigerian prince who will give money in exchange for your bank account details. Another important part of the economy is boobs. 99% of Women in Djibouti spend their income on tit-sagging. This is the act which womens boobs are sagged because they are seen as a status symbol.
As a French-speaking or Francophone nation, Djibouti is largely devoid of culture, at least in terms that anyone would understand. The most typical Djiboutian cultural habit is emigration, which takes place 365 times annually. Large flocks of Djiboutians fly across the Gulf of Aden to the Arabian Peninsula where they are chilled, packaged and flown to Europe, where in turn they are highly valued by previously arrived Djiboutians.
Their other major cultural activity is the weaving of overpriced woollen blankets, though in more urbanized areas this has been replaced by crime. The leading cultural exports of Djibouti are the works of Robin Cook whose novel Coma aptly describes the state of Djibouti today.