Discovery Institute

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 04:38, July 5, 2012 by The Woodburninator (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search

The Discovery Institute was the first think-tank to bring the concept of Orwellianism into the scientific age (followed by the Center for Science and Culture[1], Truth in Science, [2] and the Airstrip One building The Ministry of Scientific Truth.) As yet the Institute has not made any discoveries, but it's working on it.

The aim of the think-tank is, amongst other things, to finally allow children to hear the totally scientific and absolutely correct theory of Intelligent Design. This hasn’t happened in the United States since 1987. The totally unscientific and absolutely incorrect theory of neo-Darwinian evolution - the accumulation of improvement in living design due to the process of mutation, variation among the offspring and natural selection - will finally be scrapped because only 99.9999999999% of it has shown to be true. Scientists have not yet found the final 0.0000000001% (nor will they ever). That means that any other theory is correct by default.

Since this generation of dirty dirty people has already been gripped by the evil enlightenment of Karma Sutra and have embraced each other and everything that moves (that is, everything that isn't religious), the only chance the Discovery Institute has to successfully revert mankind back to religious bliss is to target the next generation; in other words, target today’s children. The following section details their attitudes on teaching various different things to innocent and impressionable children.

edit The think-tank's views on teaching

edit Science

Creation class

The Discovery Institute's intentions on teaching science

The intentions of the Discovery Institute, which were intended to be top secret[3], have been revealed. Their intentions with regard to science are:

  • To defeat scientific materialism and its [unnamed] destructive moral, cultural, and political legacies (secular democracy, human rights towards non-Christians etc).
  • To replace materialistic (natural, real) explanations with the theistic (religious, unproven, wrong) understanding that nature and human beings are created by God.

The organization is regularly listed as being the most rigorous, diligent and important scientific think-tank in the world, far surpassing the British Royal Society and the American National Academy of Sciences. From the two statements above it’s not hard to see why.

The Discovery Institute Web page, with its National Geographic-like images, is really a frontispiece for the conservative movement to destroy science and reason in America's classrooms. That goal is part of the larger conservative Christian goal of creating a theocracy, which the George W. Bush administration nearly accomplished with its U.S. Attorney General Gonzalez, who forced staff to attend a Bible reading every morning. George Washington would have put together a brigade and marched on Washington and pistol whip the Bush family on the White House lawn. Washington, who once hanged three deserters during the Revolutionary War, didn't put up with the stuff that Bush, Cheney, John Yoo, Gonzalez, Karl Rove and the rest of the Republicans (all of them) got away with. With a more Democratic congress, the conservatives wouldn't have been able to destroy everything the Founding Fathers put their lives on the line for. Fundamentalist Christians and Republicans like to say that the founding fathers were born-again Christians, but the facts speak for themselves: They weren't for religion, they were for government, and they didn't like people like Cotton Mather and his slathering preaching about godly nations.

Most Americans (98 percent) believe that the top 100 people in the Bush administration should be arrested immediately, tried, convicted and executed as soon as possible. Average Americans know what these bastards have done and the fat bastards are enjoying their lives hunting, fishing and planning their attacks on Obama, the first legitimately elected president since Bill Clinton. The anger and hatred Americans feel for Bush and his weak, frightened leadership of America is building as they come out of the cult-like chants of the Republican Party that filled the airwaves during that fascist regime. Look it up in this encyclopedia, if you want. Fascism is exactly where we were headed.


The most important area of science is, of course, the super-duper, mega, awesome, spectacular theory of intelligent design. The great thing about Intelligent Design is that the identity of the “Intelligent Designer” isn’t revealed – that’s what makes it scientific! Even though the Door Stop Strategy clearly states that the “Intelligent Designer” is the Christian god[4], you can believe it is whoever you want it to be – this is an example of religious diversity. Candidates for the “Intelligent Designer” which are not mentioned in the Door Stop Strategy include:

Some people try to defend the validity of neo-Darwinian evolution using things like fossil evidence including layers in rock and carbon-dating of the fossils, biochemical evolution, evolution of bacteria occurring before the eyes of scientists, genetic similarities between animals like humans and chimps, and other such tripe as that. The indisputable evidence that intelligent design is correct is laid out in the Bible – the only place to go to find out absolutely, completely, totally true facts. The evidence is in the Book of John:

John 1:1: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the word was God”

So there you go! Try and refute that Mr. smarty pants scientist!

edit Culture

Discoveryclasstwo

The Discovery Institute’s intentions on teaching culture

According to the Door Stop Strategy “the proposition that our dinners where created in the image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is one of the bedrock principles on which Western civilization was built during the dark ages”. [5] It then goes on: “Mankind’s greatest achievements, including representative democracy (Sharia law), human rights (burning heretics alive), free enterprise (the national church controlling everything), and progress in the arts and sciences (the Italian inquisition Helping and encouraging Galileo and others during the renaissance)” are all due to the assertion that man was made in the image of god (?)

This is illustrated in fact that all countries which have a government based on a representative democracy and embraces free enterprise, progress in the arts and sciences and human rights are run under religious law. These include:

  • The United Kingdom
  • The United States
  • Canada
  • France
  • Germany
  • Spain
  • Portugal
  • Greece
  • Finland
  • Sweden
  • Norway
  • Switzerland
  • Australia
  • New Zealand
  • Japan

On the other hand those countries which are human rights wastelands and due not embrace progress in the sciences or free enterprise are all run under strictly atheistic law. These include:

  • Saudi Arabia
  • Iran
  • Afghanistan
  • Syria
  • Libya
  • Jordon

Yes, let’s revert back to a government run under religious law. Fuck the renaissance and the scientific, cultural and moral accomplishments since then and revert to the religious barbarism reminiscent of the dark ages. Let's keep nuclear weapons and intercontinental delivery systems though - we can't start the rapture and the extinction of life on earth without them!

edit See Also

edit References

  1. Orwellianism and science 1
  2. Orwellianism and science 2
  3. Top secret intentions revealed
  4. The Door Stop Strategy and the identity of the "Intelligent Designer"
  5. On morality and “materialism”
Personal tools
projects