Dirty Harry
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“ You've gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
~ Dirty Harry on your imminent demise
“In Soviet Russia, day makes YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Dirty Harry
“Dirty Harry doesn't seem to play by the rules, but he does get results.”
~ Captain Obvious on Dirty Harry
Dirty Harry is a film based around a man named Harold Callahan who uses his tremendously filthy hair to fight crime. "Dirty" Harry Callahan was portrayed by Clint Eastwood, who wanted to avoid being typecast as a weak, peace loving hippy, as he had portrayed in his previous 60 films. When Harry washed his hair at age 20, he had to switch to using guns to kill people for the rest of his life. He used 44 Magnum ice creams fired in quick succession at punks (read as hippys) to paralyse them with an amazing orgasm of taste before shooting them with his gun, a .44 Magnum Nailgun Edition (with a special non slip mahogany grip, to stop him from dropping the gun during one of his excessive perspiration periods).
Harry's life is portrayed in 80 films, telling the story from when he was a sperm right up until the last molecule of his body has decomposed after he was cremated and sent into space. The following is a summary of the character from the not-at-all-in-depth films.
Contents |
[edit] Life and Times
[edit] Early Life
Harry was born to parents Eli Wallach and Lee Van Cleef, as they wanted someone to play tea party with them during the lonely nights and lust filled days. Harry was rejected by them however, due to his big gun always getting in the way. He learned how to shoot using his big gun, which he found lying on a table well in the reach of children. He had a pet horse named Punk. Punk was the one who thought Harry how to shoot. They were such good friends, they became psychically connected and Harry used to always know what Punk was thinking. It usually involved guns.
[edit] Teenage Years
Harry was an outcast during his teenage years, due to his status as a hall monitor in his high school, "Come Here and Get High (School), Man". Harry was once kissed by a boy when the boy's severed lips touched him on his cheek. He didn't speak for 4 years after this, which was why he only growled at people from then on. When his voice broke, no one had a clue what he was talking about. He was not allowed to use the phone after an incident in 1963. He called to order a pizza. His breathing was so heavy, the guy who answered the phone believed he was a Peeping Tom and reported him to the police. This was when Harry first noticed the police force. They had such long guns and could shoot anyone they wanted in the name of "protecting the peace". He knew it was the perfect job for him and his beautiful head of hair.
[edit] Adult Life
Harry immediately joined the San Francisco Police Department at age 18, even though he lived in Mexico at the time. This was because he could knock the psychedelic coloured t-shirt off of a hippy with a bullet from 60,000 miles away. However, after Harry accidentally caused an earthquake in San Francisco when one bullet missed and hit an atomic bomb in Moscow causing a chain reaction, he was forced to move to Frisco. (The mishap was covered up by many governments for years, before being "proved" as an accident at Chernobyl. Even though "Chernobyl" apparently happened 14 years after the Harry-bullet incident, no-one thought of it being anything else due to all Communists being ignorant idiots with brains the size of a fly.) Harry was so macho, everyone in San Francisco stopped trying to be more masculine than him, and became gay.
Harry caused a massive amount of homicides in San Francisco due to his inability to tell the difference between the hippy race and the human race after an accident involving a saucepan and some sort of magnet. No more was said of this event. So bad was the Homicide Crisis of '71, that Harry himself was promoted to homicide detective to solve his own homicides. He held the world record for most hippies killed in a lifetime. A man named Hank Scorpio tried to beat Harry's record by shooting lots of random non-hippies. This infuriated Harry and caused him to track down Scorpio. Scorpio had hijacked a school bus. Harry chased him out of the bus and to a river bank, whereupon Harry impaled him with his police badge. Scorpio fell into the river. Harry was forced to leave the force while a replacement badge was being made as, ironically, he had shot the last Police Badge Replacement Maker in his saucepan-magnet-fuelled state.
[edit] Later Life and Death
After killing Scorpio, 4 cops who wanted to beat Harry's record as well, a Day-maker, Jim Carrey and Liam Neeson, as well as thousands of other people whose names are not important enough to be included, Harry decided to retire to Caramel-in-the-Sea, a small town in the northern hemisphere. Harry was momentarily married to Cagney or Lacey in the film "The Enforcer", but she failed to make his day. Harry hired a head Hippy to shoot her on the second day of their marriage. He failed, and Harry cursed himself for thinking he could ever trust a hippy. Harry killed them both in Alcatraz before going back to Cagney or Lacey's body to urinate on it while being begged by the Mayor, who Harry had kidnapped and brought to the island for his sexual pleasure, not to. Harry spent his last days shooting psychedelic coloured fish in a barrel. He died in his bed with his boots on. The cause of death was at first thought to be a harpoon to the head, but was later discovered to have been a heart attack. Harry was cremated and his ashes were sent into space to eliminate the last of the hippy threat by covering the Earth with what was left of his body odour. He succeeded in 1983. He then died after the Grim Reaper opened the urn just to make sure. Good thing he did.
[edit] Partners
During his career as an inspector, Harry was famed for his partner's high mortality rates. Thankfully, they always were part of minority groups. In his five main Dirty Harry films, (Dirty Harry, Magnum Force, The Enforcer, Sudden Impact and The Dead Pool), Harry had a total of 60 partners, all of whom were killed. These included a Mexican in Dirty Harry, a negro man in Magnum Force, a woman in The Enforcer, a dog and a black man in Sudden Impact and a Chinese-American in The Dead Pool. Secretly, Harry asked for members of these groups to be his partner and then shoot them, blaming "crossfire". He never stooped to having a hippy partner, though. He only liked the human minority groups.
[edit] Legacy
Harry Callahan's Legacy was widespread, spawning many spin-offs and imitations including Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop, CSI: Miami (Horatio's gravelly voice and homicidal tendencies, along with his stupid name) and Pokémon. Harry's hair went on to star in a film called "Shampoo: What Is It?" on its own, as well as its 7 sequels, with each one of them winning an Oscar for it's main actor, Dirty Hairy. John Travolta also cited "Dirty Harry" as an inspiration for his documentary "Battlefield Earth" which charts what happens when an "unnamed" homicide detective from the 1970s travels to the future to kill Scientology.
The Dirty Harry films are noted for their frequent violence. Clint Eastwood is actually deathly afraid of violence and had to shoot random commies to get accustomed to it, back when method acting was for real men only. He also stopped cutting his hair for 6 years before the first film. Clint has acknowledged playing a sperm and subsequently a baby in "Harry 1: The Pre-Dirt Years: What's this Fleshy Tube?" to be his least challenging role as he is really small, wrinkly and bald anyway. Clint's favourite of all his 80 Harry films number just five. They are "Dirty Harry", "Magnum Force", "The Enforcer", "Sudden Impact" and "The Dead Pool", ironically the only ones where he had partners which he "accidentally" killed. As a side note, those five were the only of the series ever actually seen, on Clint's demands, even though the combined budgets of the unreleased films come to $5 trillion, mostly spent on preparing Clint's hair and paying off hippies to allow them to be actually killed in the films. You don't mess with Clint.
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