Directional boobs

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
UncycloHugeOnes
These are Directional boobs beginning their East-West scan.

Directional boobs (Titticus directus) are the mega beasts of the boob world and unique in their overall size and operation. They are the heaviest and most dangerous of all tits, capable of suffocating the human male in less than a minute if he is mounted. Titticus pufficus is a close second.

edit History

Uncyclo-Dogpillow
Dogs like boobs too! This is a Royal Black Tithound sleeping with its boobs.

Directional boobs have been with man for thousands and thousands of years. It began when wolves discovered that female humans were softer than the hard ground. Cave paintings have shown wolves with the largest of boobs. Since then, the descendant of wolves, our dogs have slept well with boobs. The common idiom, "Let sleeping dogs lie with their boobs" came from this practice.

The Directional boobs were re-discovered in a French alpine village in 1965 by Charles de Gaulle while he was checking out available fine young village waif tail. All of the females with these huge boobs were hidden from the Germans during World War II. Gen. de Gaulle, having had an stroke forgot about them. Gen. de Gaulle gave a specimen big titted waif to his favorite automaker Citroën and took 2 for himself. Within days, he divorced his wife and moved to the south of France where he opened up a cheese and boat factory.

edit Failed use in cars

Citroën attempted to create a new car called the Citroën DB with headlights which worked similar to the Delta Wave projection by the Directional boobs. What the engineers ended up with was a system which had one headlight lighting the road to the right and another lighting the road to the left. The market was aimed at the horny male French drivers. Ads were placed in the French version of Playboy magazine, on toilet paper in Men's restrooms, directions on French condoms, and subliminally in the flicker of florescent lighting. When placed in production, French male drivers ended up looking for cheap French whores, under age Lolitas, and cigarette machines on each side of the street and ignoring the road. This resulted in several car wrecks. The Citroën engineers were so busy with the headlights, they forgot to add vents in the car which resulted in a build-up of funky-ass body odor only found on French males. This almost destroyed tourism in Paris creating an economic disaster.

edit Locations

Directional boobs have since been discovered around the world. They are not found in Eskimo populations. In Thailand the huge-titted girls are referred to as Farang Ding Dong girls.[1] This means "the crazy stranger". They were discovered in villages in the north. After capture, they were used as pole dancers until the gravitational force of spinning Farang caused the collapse of several night clubs in Bangkok.

These large boobed females are also known to be found in South Beach (Miami), Monte Carlo, and anywhere else they can mooch off of wealthy assholes like Donald Trump.

edit Characteristics

Uncyclo-Bristol
Bristol Palin and her E cups in "Dancing with the Sluts".

Directional boobs, have the ability of 180 degrees of sweep of Delta Wave projection, if pinched by the female, they can spread 190 degrees mesmerizing all men. Other species of boobs point forward like bumpers on 1958 Cadillac automobiles.

Directional boobs are huge and massive by all tit standards. They generally are in the range of E to H in size. Bristol Palin has these boobs and credits them with keeping her big ass off the floor by distributing weight during her stint on "Dancing with the Sluts". Pamela Anderson had these boobs but they were addicted to drugs and eventually killed the host.

Uncyclo-Sofa
Female humans can hide inside a well-pillowed sofa or couch in case a robber breaks in.

edit The upside

Directional boobs will save their host from drowning should they be knocked unconscious (the host, not the boobs). They are so large, they immediately force the woman to turn boobs up thus allowing her to breathe. Shoplifters have a great time in stores because employees and onlookers are fixated on the boobs, not the store.

No airbags are needed in cars for the female with real huge Directional boobs. The boobs will shield the female and upon entering the hospital, they are repaired if needed. Airbags always die in car wrecks. In fact, airbags will not deploy in a crash as they cannot occupy the same space and time continuum with really huge boobs.

edit The downside

Any female human with these boobs cannot be on a swim team. These boobs create more drag in the water than a square submarine. The wake produced by such mass throws gallons of water out of pools. This has lead to water shortages in Las Vegas where the really huge DBs like to lounge.

The cross the shoulder seat belts will only reach halfway across really large boobed females. Auto parts stores have male-female extensions for sale.

At airports, baggage handlers have mistakenly tried to grab them for their loading carts and had the silly shit slapped out of them. The TSA has mistaken Directional boobs for very large bombs and placed these females in secret rooms. While seated in airliners, fights break out between male passengers all claiming to have the seat next to the female.

Certain shops with narrow isles and fragile shelves holding very expensive items have banned these boobs. Upon hearing, "Hey babe, you've got a fine rack" has caused these boobs to turn and quickly wipe out thousands of dollars worth of elegant items.

Directional boobs over time can lose their directional capability and aim downward at the Earth's core.

edit Trivia

The often used term: "Like a boob in a China Shop" came from problems with these Directional boobs.

edit References

Personal tools
projects