From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Dio Brando is the bastard child of Marlon Brando and Ronnie James Dio and is the main villain from the Jojo's Bizarre Adventure manga. A vampire, table knife collector and steam roller enthusiast who has spawned many internet jokes, the latter of which is one of his greatest regrets besides hiring a massive faggot like Vanilla Ice as a body guard and having a goody two-shoes like Gio Gio for a son.
He is the God Emperor of the Holy Empire of Pakistan.
The First Bit
Dio was once a normal Victorian school boy (Normal except for his habit of throwing dogs into furnaces and poisoning his own father anyway) living in London. After his father was obviously poisoned by Dio, he was taken in by the Joestar family.
To show his appreciation, Dio made life Hell for the family, ruining the children's school lives, burning the dog and generally being a prick. Things became worse when he gained a stone mask that by some manner of wizardry of witchcrap, turned him into a vampire. Dio Brando was responsible for the infamous Jack The Ripper murders at that time, using his adoptive brother's pen-name. Being new to the vampire ways, Dio didn't realize that vampires are meant to drink blood, not steal kidneys from their victims.
The Really Fucking Weird Bit
After a slightly more crazy part of the story that was Chapter 2 of the manga (Cyborg Nazis, Aztec vampires and perfect, god-like beings that happen to be named after 80's New Wave bands? Seriously, man, what the fuck?), Dio got careless and got decapitated (Head chopped off for those of you not familiar with big words). Somehow, his head managed to chase down Johnathan Joestar and eat the man's face. How a head managed to catch Mr. Joestar out in the middle of the damn ocean on a ship is beyond me
Being the vampire he was (i.e. Being very stubborn when it comes to dying) Dio survived by sticking his head onto John's body. He was shot at using a Bow and Arrow, which caused the development of his Stand; The World (more commonly known as Za Warudo). While being able to control time and bitch-slap a person two meters away with a snap of his fingers was cool and all, this also meant that Stands would develop in the Joestar family bloodline (This is a bad thing, seeing as the Joestars want to make sure he's dead, and having psychic ghosts to assist them in ripping Dio a new one would make Dio's life harder.)
The Fucking EPIC Bit
Chapter 3 of the manga is the most popular part of the story as it is when Dio is at his sexiest. Chapter 3 tells the story of Kujo Jotaro in his attempt to stop Dio Brando from burning another family dog to death or another string of murdered prostitutes with the aid of his posse of equally odd friends
Dio's final line of defense against Jotaro and his party is the incredibly flamboyant vampire faggot; Vanilla Ice and his possibly badly named Stand; Cream. Ice uses his faggotry and massive crotch to kill off most of the party, leaving behind only Jotaro and Polnareff, the latter of which out-pimped Ice into depression so much that he killed himself
The Most Epic Battle EVAR
At the end of the anime, Dio fights against Jotaro after killing Kakyoin (Who couldn't out-pimp Dio even if he tried) and using a mixture of incredible style, the time-controlling powers of Za Warudo, a whole ton of sex appeal, a conveniently placed gas truck(a steamroller in the comic), and more knives then a cutlery factory, nearly defeated Jotaro Kujo.
Unfortunately for Dio, he was able to rip-off Dio's time stoppage ability, and broke his legs. The following events are meant have been like this according to eye witnesses:
DIO: You bastard, you rip off my powers and break my legs!
JOTARO: Yeah lol, Now I'm gonna smash your face in :)
DIO: Oh no you don't!
(Dio knocks Jotaro's hat off into the flames of the recently exploded gas truck)
DIO: Not so tough without your stupid hat now are you?
JOTARO: My. Hat. Was. AWWWWWESOME! >:(
Dio attempted to do a 'Bright Kick', like that cool guy from Gundam. Jotaro used his Star Platinum combined with his own incredibly GARness to punch Dio's already busted shin. The result of so much damage from both Dio and Star acting both him Dio himself plus Za Warudo caused Dio to explode and make a right mess of the road way where he once stood. Jotaro celebrated his victory by standing like a badass over what was left of Dio's bloodied remains. After that he made a blood transfusion from Dio's body to Joseph's, who was sucked dry by Dio, reawakaning him in Joseph's body and dooming the whole world.
List of characters with some relation to Dio
Vanilla Ice & Cream
Connection: Hardo gei for Dio (Can't blame him)
Vanilla Ice is Dio's strongest and most loyal follower, a fellow vampire and odd dresser, Ice lives (And dies) to serve Dio. Besides serving Dio, dressing like a massive faggot, masturbating to pictures of Dio and writing erotic slash-fics of himself and Dio, Ice is also a wannabe rapper, who's poor attempts at being black are far more life-threatening to his opponents then his 'Void', a ball of absolute nothingness / vacuum of infinite space. Also, if his relationship with his Stand; Cream is anything to go by, Ice is also into vore. He is also the leader of 'Dio Brando World Wide Fan Club' and takes it's place as top member, having collected all manner of Dio Brando related goods including figures, posters, and other merchandise. In addition to the OVAs of the JJBA animu, Ice also owns an alternate ending of the first OVA, where Dio kills Kujo instead, then declares his love for Ice. The number of animators and voice actors threatened with acts of vore and general faggotry into creating the alternate ending are unknown
Jotaro Kujo & Star Platinum
Connection: Wants Dio dead so that prostitutes everywhere are safe. Also I think he wanted to save someone from his family. Not too sure about that.
Great Great Grandson to the original Jonathan Joestar who's pet dog was burned to death by Dio. Jotaro continues this family feud and aims to put a stop to Dio before he strikes at another innocent puppy or prostitute. Jotaro's Stand is Star Platinum, a wannabe of Za Warudo with similar abilities and strengths, but can only stop time for a few seconds compared to Za Warudo's minutes. Jotaro manages to kill Dio by combining his own time stop powers, with his incredible amount of GARness to shatter Dio's shin. Despite stopping Dio from killing another prostitute, Jotaro failed to prevent Dio from ordering Vanilla Ice into killing the canine Stand-User; Iggy. Jotaro's power is limited by his hat, so as to stop him finishing fights too quickly. Dio makes the fatal mistake off knocking it off Jotaro's head and burning it, thus unleashing Jotaro's inner angry badassness, which in turn resulting Dio having his insides being used as decoration for the road
Giorno Giovanna & Gold Experience
Connection: Unwanted result of a one-night Stand[lol, get it gais? durf durf...]
Gio is Dio's son by an unknown mother. Gio's mother was a cheap prostitute and his good ways and willingness to help others sickened Dio and his evil ways, blaming prostitutes who'll accept a tenner for a night of passion for his failure of an un-evil son. Gio Gio doesn't appear in Chapter 3 for fear of his father's almighty pimp-slap, but appears in Chapter 5 as the main character, along with a man with a zipper fetish, Bruno Bucciarati, who somewhat resembles the singing, berries-and-cream-lovin' hellspawn who appears in the Starburst commercials. There's a lot more interesting stuff going on in this chapter but no one gives a shit about any chapter other than the third one. Oh and later on Giorno becomes the most overfucking powered fictional character ever, he's less touchable than M C Hammer!
"Shadow" Dio & Za Warudo
Connection: It is Dio, thus, a very close connection
The supposed alternate form of Dio. Many people have claimed this to be the result of a "Stone Mask", but that's only what the so-called experts want you to believe. While the mask's abilities did turn him into a vampire, Shadow Dio is the result of a garden party gone arway. An incident with too much fuel on the BBQ resulted in Dio losing his face. A face transplant later, and Dio was back to normal and tried to convince people that he was only wearing a mask, which is complete bullshit, but who in their right mind would argue with Dio? Shadow Dio is an even cheaper prick then regular Dio, wielding counter attacks, and unblockable dandruff-based attacks. He also does away with his shirt and coat, making him even more irresistible to beautiful women, bisexual/gay men, and Vanilla Ice who's on a completely different level of faggotry.
Za Warudo is the result of Dio eating Senzu beans and watching the death of his best friend Kuririn at the hand of Freeza. The results of this sight enabled Dio to turn himself into a Japanese flash animation known as Za Warudo, even though it has five stand users, three of whom no one gives a shit about.
Mariah & Bast
Connection: Servant to Lord Dio
Pretty much the female equivalent of Magneto, except she's bi-polar and is obviously more attractive. Unknown to others, this IS the real Mariah Carey, who, unlike Vanilla Ice, tried to be black so often that her wish was fulfilled. Ice nurses a burning hatred against Mariah for this reason. Mariah's Stand, a fancy electric plug socket, had the power of magnetism. Bast become her down fall after her Stand was used against her, and she got squished by her own car.
She has had many boyfriends but crushed them all with cars ironically enough.
Midler & The High Priestess
Connection: Another servant to Lord Dio
Bette Midler after using her magic to turn herself into a chick that rivals both Mai Shiranui and Ivy Valentine in the "Jesus fucking Christ I can't believe they made characters these skimpy" category. She is actually a sniper, as she prefers to dispatch her enemies....from a distance. Her Stand is the High Priestess, an ugly old hag resembling Jackie Stallone with a bad case of acne after being back-kicked in the face by a donkey. HP turns into a variety of metal items, because of this, she tends to get caught by Mariah's Stand, which in turn has led to a strong rivalry between the two ladies. The catfights between the two being a brilliant source of entertainment for Dio
Connection: Old Flame turned Rival
A maid from the Scarlet Devil Mansion in some magical far away fairy land. Sakuya and Dio met on an online dating service, as Dio was after some sexings with someone else rather then Midler or Mariah, and hated cheap prostitutes. Sakuya told Dio that she was old enough for him, but failed to mention how much younger she looked. When they met for their first date/date rape, Dio was shocked to find a 16-year-old-looking girl when he was expecting a hot woman of his own age. Rather then go along with the date and be labeled a pedophile, Dio ran. Sakuya has promised revenge and to become much better at stopping time, throwing knives and wearing sexy maid outfits then Dio ever could, to spite him...though it will probably never happen...Probably.
Dio and Sakuya have had no real contact since then, but it is believed that Sakuya is currently living at the Scarlet Devil Mansion in the middle of a pedophile relationship with two underage twin vampires. A vampire fetishist obviously, probably into bondage as well, the kinky bitch...
Many theorists believe that due to their likeness in weaponry and abbilitys, that Dio and Sakuya are actually related as father and daughter, making this realationship a lot more sexy.
Rubber Soul & Yellow Temperance
Connection: You guessed it, Dio's servant. This guy must be insecure or something
People (often, stupid people) mistake this man to be the real Kakyoin, despite him sounding nothing like the guy, and having a bright yellow suit that kind of just sits there, compared to Kakyoin's green coat that always flows in unseen wind, even indoors
Anyway, many people had heard of this man, and said, "What the hell? Isn't Rubber Soul a Beatles album?" Indeed it is. This is a clue that Jotaro had followed, being clever bastard that he's known for being
So Rubber Soul was walking along one day, sporting that ridiculous and mostly spurious disguise, when he decided to strike conversation up with Jotaro. But Jotaro didn't want to hear shit. Jotaro just punched the bitch in the face, making the rubber on his face explode and revealing Rubber Soul's true identity. It was, just as he had suspected, John Lennon. Lennon's explanation was reportedly "Yoko made me do it", which makes no sense since he's under Dio's rule, not Yoko's. He must have been on LSD again, the poor bugger
Kakyoin & Heriophant Green
Connection: Figured out the powah of Za Warudo
A young man from Japan who joins Jotaro and his band of merry men to stop Dio after he is bested by Jotaro in battle (It's the 'Beat me and I'll join your party' RPG stereotype you see) His Stand is Heirophant Green, a Stand that can fire jello like bullets. Kakyoin used his stand to leave a message for Jotaro after he figured out that Za Warudo was able to control time. Alas,
Being punched right though the stomach being smashed through two stone buildings left him lacking in strength and co-ordination (As it would) and his attempt to spell out 'THE FUCKER CAN STOP TIME' using emeralds embedded in a wall ended up destroying a nearby clock tower. Luckily, Jotaro gives Scooby Doo's Velma a run for her money in the brains department, and figured out the cryptic message
Connection: priest who has the hots for Dio
Enrico Pucci is a black guy with incredible fashion sense who is also a priest, and he met Dio in a church (Why the fuck was Dio in a church? Nobody knows). So anyway Pucci gets a huge mancrush on Dio (but unlike Vanilla Ice he doesn't actually admit it and just calls it "admiration" - sure...) anyway a couple of decades after Dio dies Pucci tries to fuck around with Jotaro and daughter Jolyne and some other characters who no one gives a fuck about, and he eventually ends up asploding the universe and a bunch of weird shit happens - as in, even weirder than the stuff that normally happens in the manga, if you can believe that. The result is that everyone lives happily ever after - except for Part 7, that is
Dio's zany ways, in the manga, anime and game has spawned many jokes which he lives to regret (Though not as much as Gio Gio)
- WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. The shriek of a vampire according to the Japanese. Dio does not do this intentionally, during an incident when filming for the JJBA game, Dio reared back and slipped, landing on the steam rollers' gearshift in a position best left to the imagination. The shock and pain caused Dio to scream in agony, rather than blood lust. Being the quick-thinking lot they are, Capcom insisted that Dio do that from now on.
- MUDAMUDAMUDA. Dio's very first victory over a member of the Jotaro family was in a game of Scrabble. 'MUDA' was the word that he managed to win the game with (Landing a triple word score too) and thus uses it as an insulting term that only the Joestars would understand. Funnily enough, MUDA also means 'Useless' or 'futile" so it doubles as an insult to non-Joestars as well.
- ZA WARUDO. Dio's ability to stop time comes from his Stand. By calling his name out, Dio can stop time for anywhere up to a minute. According to some so-called 'experts', Za Warudo is just how Dio pronounces 'The World' in his Japanese accent. Za Warudo is obvious to see coming from Dio flexing his manly six pack, screaming his Stand's name and covering the area in more negative space than a bad sprite comic done in MS Paint.
On Za Warudo
WRYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYY YYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YyyyyyyyyyyYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYY YYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYY