Dinosaur

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Replacing page with IC version.)
Line 1: Line 1:
{{CotW}}
+
[[File:Vietnam T-Rex.png|thumb|390px|The annual "''feed the [[orphans]]''" Vietnam campaign is often given accolades by environmentalists. As seen here two orphans give "sporting chase" to their dinner (pity the poor [[Photographer|photographers]] who get in their way).]]
  +
'''Dinosaurs''' have become a major media sensation because of human civilization's increased destruction of their habitat. When the jungles, prairies, forests, and other prime dinosaur ecological communities are destroyed, these noble creatures have to come into cities and towns to search for food and shelter. Humans have always lived in peace with the tinier feathered dinosaurs, and until now the larger dinosaurs were naturally skittish and avoided humans. Due to environmental destruction, this is now proving increasingly difficult, and the bigger specimens no longer keep to themselves.
   
{{Q|They didn't do justice!|[[Dinosaurs]] within the NAADD (National Advancement of Dinosaur Dinosaurs)|the movie [[Jurassic Park]]}}
+
==Dinosaur history==
{{Q|You don't see many dinosaurs anymore.|Captain Obvious|dinosaurs}}
+
Dinosaurs have roamed the earth and mastered the sky for over six hundred million years (give or take tens of millions). The various species carved out niches and lived either side by side in peace with each other or, in the case of the predators, roamed at will through their territories in search of prey. Having survived many close calls which would have devastated the dinosaur population, including what astrophysicists call several large "''missed by just a whisker''" [[Armageddon#Armageddon: The movie|asteroid strikes]]. The relentless nature of these noble creatures was unchecked until the most [[Stupidity Syndrome|intelligent]] of mammals--''[[Homo sapiens]]''--came down from the trees and moved onto the plains.
{{Q|'''Lickalotapus was a Lesbian Dinosaur.|[[Captain Oblivious]]|Dinosaurs}}
 
{{Q|RAWR.|[[Emo (music)|Emo Chick]]|Loving like a dinosaur.}}
 
   
{{Conservapedia}}
+
==Habitat and diet==
'''Dinosaur''' is the generic label for a large and diverse group of aquatic, land-based and flying reptilian creatures featured in horror and adventure movies going back nearly as far as the invention of the cine-camera itself. Primitive dinosaurs were made of plasticene and moved by laborious stop-motion methods, and often coexisted with modern humans in explorer outfits (''The Lost World'' 1913, ''Der Dinosar'', Germany 1922, ''King Kong'' 1931) but by the 1950s and 60s (approx 50 million years ago) humans had lost their Victorian outfits and got into nifty fur boots and stuff and discovered that spears worked better than guns which have little effect on plasticene.
+
[[File:Ogopogo1.jpg|frame|330px|left|[[Fishermen]] like to feed dinosaurs their unwanted[[family|fresh kills]], so a few can always be found down by the docks.]]
  +
When humans evolved six thousand years ago from smaller mammals and quickly learned how to make fire, speak in understandable grunts, and build pyramids and cave dwellings, dinosaurs generally ignored them. Even as recently as fifty years ago, no one could have predicted the emergence of the industrial age, the subsequent growth of cities, and the mass devastation of dinosaur habitat. Now the two life forms have been forced to get along together, and this has led to new experiences for both species.
   
==Inauthenticity claims==
+
Due to deforestation, dinosaurs had less and less of their natural habitat in which to stop slowly in. This led them to suddenly run out of the forest and look around, which led to the increased urbanization of dinosaurs. This increased the breadth of their diet as well, as now dogs, possums, and leftovers come into play.
Conservative religious groups have offered various theories to explain why ''no dinosaurs have ever been found in a biblical epic'', such as that they are hiding behind trees, or that dinosaurs are anatomically incapable of wearing sandals. There are also few dinosaurs in Soviet cinema, where they were declared by a committee in 1929 to be irrelevant to the struggle of the proletariat, and Stalin himself declared that the idea of a powerful monster terrorising millions of ordinary people was just silly.
 
   
Early computer-animated dinosaurs stuggled to compete with large fake-looking hinged models in the 1970s (30 million years ago) because of the crude graphics involved in the arcade games they were based on, but this all changed with the release of ''Cretacious Creek'' (1981), [[Swampstalker]] (1983) and ''Fluffy Bunnies vs the Creature from the Pit'' (1989) which were hugely successful on the video rental circuit. CGI also improved on unconvincing trees.
+
In fact, many people have started to put out treats for dinosaurs. Piles of leaves can be found in the fall, carefully gathered from lawns and placed in the street by the curb. Dinosaurs eat these buffets as if leaves are [[Amazon Rainforest|going out of style]]. And many people are leaving their dead relatives and pets on the curbs to happily see them skinned, deboned, and devoured within minutes. As an added benefit, dinosaurs are clean eaters, and, like raccoons, wash their food if they can. Backyard swimming pools [[Suddenly, Raccoons|suddenly]] take on a new look when raccoons and dinosaurs compete to see who can clean their food the quickest. Dinosaurs usually win because, before long, they are cleaning the raccoons!
   
It is an interesting footnote that Sir [[Arthur Conan-Doyle]] author of ''The Lost World'' (1912) which contains the earliest account of dinnosaurs, was fooled by the so called "Cottingly Dinosaur" photographs, which were faked by two children in 1923 to show dinosaurs playing croquet at the bottom of their garden.
 
   
==Survival claims==
+
==Dinosaurs among us==
The only dinosaurs that are still alive are traveling around the world in a dino-circus called Dinosaurs Live! They are kept alive by a mysterious Mr. Andre, who has serious issues with needles and penises. The dinosaurs are well trained to eat only the parents of obnoxious children in the audience, for which the world is grateful to mysterious Mr. Andre. It is hoped that one day soon, there will be enough dinosaurs trained in this manner to let them loose upon the public to chew up all parents of obnoxious children. The main item preventing this is that these bad parents are very hard to digest, since they are primarily made of gristle.
+
[[File:Dinasaurbeach.jpg|thumb|300px|Dinosaurs have a very distinctive camouflage that makes them nearly impossible to find. I bet you can't find the dinosaurs in this picture.]]
In the meantime, any time you notice lousy parents missing after the dinos have visited your town, send a "thank you" to mysterious Mr. Andre for his efforts to clean up humanity while helping to preserve the dino legacy. There is rumored to be population of dinosaurs living on an abandoned [[theme park]] off the coast of Central America. Debate continues as to whether or not these are really dinosaurs or just mutant frogs that have had a [[sex change]].
+
All types of [[Children|miniature dinosaurs, or "''dinos''"]], have been brought into our cities, towns and homes for labor or companionship, but primarily for dino labor. Many of these dinos have replaced the saber tooth cat, or [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution_of_the_horse#Merychippus Merychippus], and joined the family unit as welcomed substitutions for traditional pets. This is due to their friendly nature and lower housing costs. Many of the tiniest flesh-devouring subjects are carried in purses or knapsacks as conversation pieces, and are taken to posh diner-parties or outdoor meals to be fed directly from plates and to make cleanup a snap!
   
==Alternative theories==
+
There was, however, one incident in Tokyo in early 2011 where the dino mistook the owner's hand for the table scraps, and, unfortunately, devoured [[hand|it]]. Adding insult to injury, the bill for that night's meal was over five hundred yen. That incident was of course nothing compared to the one that occurred in Chicago the summer of 1994. The dino ate a man's whole arm, and the bill was seven hundred dollars.
Recently the discovery of a rusty bicycle below the Cretaceous-Tertiary boundary down a mineshaft in Cuacazuma, Peru, suggests that dinosaurs may have got about by bicycle, possibly in a last-minute attempt to avert global warming which they thought would lead to their extinction. Then a meteor wiped them out, along with a lot of bad fur-fashions and polystyrene rocks.
 
   
A dinosaur is also a Dutch mink farmer with laser-beam eyes; nothing at all like a [[hobbit]]. <ref>{{cite web|url=http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Uncyclopedia:How_To_Be_Funny_And_Not_Just_Stupid#Be_a_Comedian:_Advice_About_Nonsense_and_Opposites |title=Be_a_Comedian:_Advice_About_Nonsense_and_Opposites |publisher=uncyclopedia.wikia.com |date= |accessdate=2010-12-22}}</ref>
+
==Hunting==
  +
[[image:JPMkole.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Poachers attacking en masse; a tactic use by bullies and cowards. ''Pick on somebody your own size why don't you!'']]
  +
Dinosaur poaching has marred human-dinosaur relations to the extent that most nations have instituted the death penalty for those caught red-handed (literally; they have to be caught with dinosaur blood on their hands, which is why most poachers wear gloves).
   
[[Image:Dinopussy.jpg|thumb|Dinosurs are VERY frightening at times...]]
+
The outlawing of dinosaur hunting, including all small dinos such as wild turkeys, geese, ducks, crows and [[Sun bee|baby sun bees]], has eased most hostilities between humans and dinos, but the poaching problem still raises its ugly head. ''Der Internationale Anschluss des Pochierens'' (in Japanese 国际偷猎者联合) or International Poachers Union insists that its members simply cannot afford food<ref>Because of the high union dues.</ref>, and lack sufficient intelligence to grow it themselves, so they must, "take the beasties down". Anti-poaching [[Hippies|hippies]], including United Nations Secretary General Wildflower Sunshine, have passed so many laws protecting dinosaurs that entire conferences have been held to think up at least one more new anti-poaching law, to no avail. (By comparison, the [[United States]] has at least 47 government agencies that are responsible for stopping dinosaur hunting, and at least 43 that support it). Their next target: Gloves.
[[Image:Dinosaurplane.jpg|left|thumb|A dinosaur mauls a passing apparent hot dog, nice meaty filling there]]
 
   
==Genetic structure==
+
==Theme parks==
Dinosaurs are one of the most varied animals in terms of appearance. Ranging from 20 centiliters wide to 30 megameters tall, 1 dinosaur is practically unrecognizable from the next. The only cohesive features between breeds are their hind legs the size of ice-breakers and their bright green scrotal [[tusks]], visible only during [[football]] season. The real truth about the dinosaur that they never want you to forget is that their sexual organs are always showing. Even though they try to hide these things with "scales", the females ain't buying it, and thus the [[Lesbian]] orientation was born. Then the male dinosaurs had no one to satisfy their "urges", and thus [[Monopoly]] and [[Taboo]] were born. It is also widely known that dinosaurs were among the first to teach [[Cavemen]] the joy of masturbation. Dinosaurs are also well known for being able to recombine their DNA structure to fit the needs of its sex partner.
+
[[Image:Triceratops ATTACK!.png|thumb|right|200px|Fire show at 5, 8 and 10.]]
  +
Known as the "[[Death|Happiest Place on Earth]]," [[Jurassic Park|Dinoland]] has been entertaining children for several years now. Smaller dinos have volunteered to be trained to play putt-putt golf, ride the bumper cars, and chase entire families as they come down the chute on the waterslide. Nobody can hold a candle to the smile that a well-placed dinosaur puts on the face of your child!
   
[[Image:Dinobot-picture.jpg|left|thumb|A [[Beast Wars#Dinobot|dinosaur]] in robot mode, note the closeness of the hand to it's groin area...]]
+
The two Dinolands--situated in easily accessible Paris, France, and Toronto, Canada--have spurred imitators as far away as Peru (although these faux attractions have no dinosaurs, they do have several foam facsimiles expertly manipulated to chase families down the waterslides). Only recently have the dinosaurs demanded union representation, and this has caused several work stoppages, very loud picket lines, and the unfortunate loss of several management negotiators.
   
==Dinosaurs in Relgion==
+
But when all is well and the sun is shining, there is nowhere children would rather be than rubbing the belly of a dinosaur for luck and giving chase to their siblings from atop a triceratops.
   
[[Image:Stpeteroctopus.gif||thumb|St. Petersaurus outwits the Giant Space Octopus (allegedly)]]
+
==PETA==
  +
[[image:Velociraptor Awareness Day.png|thumb|200px|PETA's Velociraptor Awareness Day, highlighted by its Million-Dino March on the United Nations, threw light on both the mistreatment of raptors and inadvertently on the inner organs of its human participants.]]
  +
Founded specifically to protect large dinosaurs, [[PETA]] (People for Ethical T-Rex Assistance) has recently turned its [[Complainers|formidable publicity machine]] to make sure smaller dinosaurs are also treated fairly. "After all," said PETA spokesperson [[Bestiality|Bess T. Ality]],<ref>The "T" stands for "T-rex.</ref> “scientists all agree that birds are dinosaurs. Really, there's not much difference between a Tyrannosaurus rex and a hummingbird, is there?"
   
[[Image:Deinonychus playing poker.jpg|left|thumb|A bunch of gambling dinosaurs. Gambling is a sin, which is probably why dinosaurs are extinct... Or are they...?]]
+
In 2008, PETA organized a campaign to assure that Triceratops were given the right, though United Nations General Assembly resolution, to eat leaves when and where they wanted to, without human interference. Herds of the gentle giants, some with neighborhood children cheerfully riding atop their head shields, began to populate parks and arboretums, cutting the grass and <span class="sigexpand"><span class="sighidden" style="position: absolute; z-index: 5"><div style="position: relative; height: 50px; left: 45px; bottom: 50px;">[[File:dead tree.jpg|300px]]</div></span><font color="blue">pruning</font></span> the trees as effectively as a crew of migrant workers with sick children back home and nary a peso in their pocket.
   
According to the book of Mormon, Dinosaurs were aliens on another planet that exploded, causing their bones to rain down on earth. This fact was later disproven by the Christian Bible, which states that the bones were instead placed on earth by [[Attention Whore|Kate Gosselin]] in order to trick humans into thinking that dinosaurs are actually extinct. In the 20th century, a group of humans made the discovery that dinosaurs weren't extinct, and biologists, now free from blinding ignorance, realized that dinosaurs are still alive. However, most of the human population has not yet come to this conclusion, and continue to believe in the Evil regardless. The fundamental tenant of Bible mythology is the story of St. Petersaurus battling the Giant Space Octopus, the leader of all dinosaurs, eventually defeating him and creating [[humans]] from his remains. The raptor gods soon looked down upon there beloved Earth, only to see what had become of the many bones of the children of he and his prostitute friend had spawned.
+
Less successful for the cause was the misnamed "[http://worldnakedbikeride.org World Naked T-Rex Ride]" held in spring of 2010. The original concept was for protesters to travel through cities across the world while riding naked Tyrannosaurus rexes. But PETA considered the idea to be cruelty to animals and the group lacked funds to sponsor an international event, so the plan was changed. Instead, the organization used hundreds of women who ran [[Nudism|naked]] through the streets of London. The campaign was intended to put the focus on dinosaur rights, or, as some observers believed, the "[[Chicken|Birds Be Free]]"<ref>"Birds be Free" is British slang for "Hundreds of women running naked through the streets of London."</ref> campaign. But unfortunately, spectators instead focused on the hundreds of women running [[Naked|naked]] through the streets of London.
   
Nobody really agrees on shit. So they'll all be fighting to the death. Gates will open at 7:30. Tickets are $5 each. Bring your own beer.
+
[[PETA]] continued to expand its focus to include the plight of hundreds of other naked dinosaur species. The group has stood at the forefront of granting freedom and peaceful coexistence to our roaring, rampaging, and carnivorous brothers and sisters.
   
==Dinosaurs are Endangered==
+
Unfortunately, the organization suffered some failures. Several people were reported missing after last year's Velociraptor Awareness Day and Million-Dino March. And the group's headquarters’ suffered severe damage and several members were reported missing after their ill-advised [[Bloodbath|Bring-A-Dino-To-Work Day]]. Bess T. Ality said, "Next year we'll change two things; first, make sure we don't try to lead the 13-foot tall T-Rexes through six-foot high doorways; and second, make sure they eat before we bring them in. Perhaps next time we'll add some tomatoes to the carnivores' vegan salad. They seem to like eating [[Blood|things colored red]]."
   
If you kill one dinosaur, your home village (or tribe or suburb or commune) will declare you a hero, but if you kill too many, [[liberals|dirty hippies]] will come after you for driving an important species to extinction. The fact is that dinosaurs, no matter how terrifying they may be to humans, are part of the world's ecosystem as much as we are. But no matter how much they resemble [[Your Mom]] know this: the only difference is that they kill with big giant jaws, horns, spikes, tail clubs or fire while [[Your Mom]] will kill with [[nuke]]s and guns. (The stupid way I know) and knives and swords and their own hands and water and candlesticks and rocks and power tools and heavy books and lethal injections and strangling and suffocation and hippopotamus' and leaders of bible study... Most of which belong to the whinybitchasaurus family, which though not a dinosaur, sadly still thrive today.
+
==Breeding==
   
Dinosaurs are lies fed to us to cover the existance of pokemon.
+
[[image:800px-MUJA-Tyrannosaurus.JPG|thumb|400px|center]]
  +
{{-}}
   
==The Queerest Dinosaur That Ever Lived==
+
==Popular culture==
[[Image:Kentosaurus.jpg|thumb|A [[Clark Kent|Kentosaurus]] on the hunt.]]It is a well known fact that the gayest Dinosaur that ever existed was the almighty Kentosaurus. The almighty Kentosaurus is thought to have lived in the great country of [[Washington]]. The Kentosaurus had a brain the size of a [[walnut]], and is thought to be made of marshmallows, and [[dead babies]]. Its diet consisted of test tubes, elements 1-31, large candles, and big penis. It weighed over 12 pounds. When Kentosaurus' one true love, [[Clay Aiken]], was killed, Kentosaurus went in to a rabbit-fucking rage. He began recruiting curious [[men]] to join his cause, and he and his army are thought to have fucked over 6,000,000 rabbits and is believed to have given head to 1,000,000 smurfs. He was eventually captured by the [[Government]] of [[Ireland]], was forcefully pimp slapped five times, and given 5 [[STDs]] by Chuck Norris.
+
[[image:Vodkarex.png|thumb|250px|T-Rex drinks Absolut? Get me two cases and put it in his dressing room! And get his agent on the phone. Now, pronto, chop chop, time is money!]]
  +
As human-dinosaur dynamics are being blurred by societal acceptance and new laws, dinosaurs are entering into popular culture in ways which would have been unheard of a few years ago. Just as gay people were silent and shunned as late as last Thursday, dinosaurs have emerged as our new darlings of the media.
   
The second queerest dino ever is the Mega-Sore-Ass, which... I'm not gonna explain the name, but I think you can guess why it was named as such...
+
As with all things human, some dinosaurs have been put to work in sales. Who better to shake those last quarters loose from grandma's dusty purse than a thunder lizard? When a brontosaurus tells her to buy something, the money's on the counter. "That's how much drawing power and pizzazz they have," said a spokesman for Absolut. European trends and designs now include the latest dinosaur-endorsed cosmetics and fashions, and when the more prominent dinosaurs started to wear bling, the sales of claw rings, tail garb, and giant nipple rings went through the roof (in some cases, literally).
   
==Dinosaurs: The Game==
+
Dinosaurs working at parks, pizza parlors, or as referees at sporting events have become so commonplace that humans no longer even notice the subtle changes. [[Fox "News"|Fox News]] spokesman [[The O'Reilly Factor, Tuesday May 13, 1865|Bill O'Reilly]] said, "creeping dinosaurism, entering every aspect of human society, can only lead humans down the primrose path of gotch'ya, and before they know it ''they'' will be the ones serving dinosaurs plates of human legs, breasts, and white meat in restaurants." Most dismiss [[Bill O'Reilly|this dismal view]], "poo-poo" the more frightful scenarios, and insist that the future of dino-human relationships is bright, long, and full of [[Death|promise]].
 
A popular sci-fi action fighting game within the second to eighth grade demographics, Dinosaurs was created unwittingly when a young Charles Turner attempted to hit someone over the head with a rolly backpack and in the process looked very much like a dinosaur. The entire seventh grade class instantly erupted into a Dinosaur frenzy, as each person tried to be a dinosaur as well. Rules where quickly drawn up, including'
 
 
* Run around and pretend you're a dinosaur
 
* You can only be a flying dinosaur if you can actually fly
 
* No real biting
 
* [[Parasalalafolassas]] are for noobs
 
* Pokemon are not real dinosaurs, except the yellow one
 
* A Tyrannosaurus can not mate with a Tricerotops
 
* Dinosaurs can't breathe fire
 
* You cant say "rawr" unless your penis is bigger than everyone else's. Then again, if your penis is bigger than everyone else's, why are you playing "Dinosaurs"? Shouldn't you be getting laid or something?
 
* Don't fall in the volcano, unless you're a Superdinosaur
 
* Look tough, you're supposed to be a dinosaur
 
* Your mom can only play if she's hot
 
* No girls allowed (except your mom, if she's hot)
 
* When we get bored we jerk off (to your mom)
 
* Did you just hit on my mom?
 
* See you later, nerds. My woman's calling.
 
 
A week after its invention, Dinosaurs erupted onto the market. It seemed that everyone from DC to Ben Shaw's house in Maryland was frolicking around the classroom, creating their own Jurassic adventures. In 2007, Joss Whedon created the first ever Standard rule book, which described in great detail possible settings, adventures, and gave a few new characters to choose from, including:
 
* Handheldsaur
 
* T Rexosaurus
 
* Tristerotops
 
* Parasalalafolassas
 
* Godzilla
 
* Albertosaurus
 
* Megasoreass
 
* Lickalotofpuss
 
* Hillary Clinton
 
* Bananasaurus
 
* Flying Dinosaur
 
* Walrosaurus
 
* Angrysaur
 
* Robbie Sinclair
 
* Loptersaurus
 
* Styrofomasaurus
 
* Biggus Dyckuss
 
* Lady Gaga
 
* The Acklay (star wars episode 2 duhhh)
 
* Specialneedsasaurus
 
* AIDsasaurus
 
* The one dinosaur that goes PLEEEARRRshhhhaaaaaalalal!!!
 
* Chuck Norisaurus Rex
 
 
N.B - The suffix Rex may be applied to any dinosaur name in order to imply superiority. During a game the leader may be bestowed with this honour (which means they can fly, drink magma, as well as command an army of lazy fatasses)...
 
 
[[Image:Partytime!.jpg|thumb|500px|right|Contrary to [[Popular Belief|popular belief]], Tyrannosaurus Rex's are very much alive and kicking even today, to the horrors of humans and animals worldwide.]]
 
 
=== Shocking Recent Discovery ===
 
 
[The apparently genuine letter below, from a senior official at the prestigious [[Smithsonian Institution]] in [[Washington DC]], was sent to an enthusiastic, ingenious and persistent archaeologist who digs his back garden and sends any finds to the Smithsonian with his own ideas of what they are and complete with his own [[scientific]] labels.]
 
 
''Dear Mr Williams
 
 
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institution, labeled "[[93211-D]], layer seven, next to the clothesline post ... [[Hominid]] skull".
 
 
We have given this [[specimen]] a careful and detailed [[examination]], and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of [[Early Man]] in Charleston County two million years ago. Dude, c'mon it looks like some deformed baby tryin to get it on with its 2 month- old sister. It may also be, that it appears that what you have found is the head of a [[Barbie]] doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "[[Malibu Barbie]]" Thanks, dumbass.
 
 
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the [[specimen]] which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
 
 
1. The material is molded plastic. [[Ancient]] hominid remains are typically [[fossilized]] bone. I think...
 
 
2. Cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 [[cubic]] centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. Except Sexyassosaurus
 
 
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the teeth-marks of the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating [[Pliocene]] clams you [[speculation|speculate]] roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing [[hypotheses]] you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Sorry jackass.
 
 
Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
 
 
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a [[dog]] has chewed on. Might I add it's as big as my 7 year old sons penis...
 
 
B. [[Clams]] don't have [[teeth]].
 
 
It is with feelings tinged with [[melancholy]] that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation and partly due to carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent [[geologic]] record. We also just got an Xbox, AND IT'S FUCKIN SWEET. CoD is the BEST! WOO! Anyways, to the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD (of course not including the work of Santasaurus), and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Lol plus we tried it on the Xbox, and we're pretty sure the Xbox's awesomeness broke it, so yea...
 
 
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation [[Phylogeny]] Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was [[hyphenated]] and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. (Damn, right?) However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid [[fossil]], it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You fuckin supergenius you.
 
 
You should know that our [[Director]] has reserved a special shelf in his office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, he also took a picture of it and stuck it right on his refrigerator, so he can see it every day! (Awesome I know!) and the entire staff speculates [[daily]] on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport backyard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural [[matrix]]" that makes the excellent [[juvenile]] Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. But that just could be so, simply because playing too much halo fucked with our eyes. But anyways.
 
 
Yours in Science
 
Harvey Rowe
 
Chief Curator – Antiquities''
 
 
==Extinction of the Dinosaurs==
 
[[Image:comedy dinosaur.jpg|left|thumb|An artist's rendition of the final moments of the BoneKnapper.]]
 
There are many theories about exactly how the dinosaurs were extincted. There is the theory made by 19th century Mcdonald's manager Douglas Ferderstand. This theory says that in 1938 beloved childrens entertainer [[Adolf Hitler]], uncovered Jesus' time machine and travelled back to the time of the Dinosaurs. He claimed he was trying to protect the purity of German blood so he had recruiters try and convince dinosaurs to breed with Nazis, hoping to make a race of Nazisaurs! Sadly for them, the dinosaurs hadn't eaten in days due to "The Great Famine" in Ireland in 1845 and were starving. Trust me; it wasn't pretty. The dinosaurs were all but wiped out a few hours later when Hitler got mad about the recruiters all being eaten and told his scientists to kill them all with lethal injections of carrot juice. This theory is of course losing popularity amongst the scientific community because of books discovered in Hitler's castle stating that he did not want to make a race of Nazisaures, but many still think theses books are just a lie made by the Scientologists to disguise Mr. Hitler's brilliant plan.
 
 
A second theory that is sweeping world is that [[Stephen Hawking]] went back in time and killed the dinosaurs. This theory says that Stephen Hawking and Frank Zappa were playing a game of poker when Frank Zappa saw that Stephen Hawking was cheating. Enraged by this act, Chuck attempted to summon [[this guy]] to Avada Cadabra him, but Chuck forgot that this spell has a warm up time of 4 seconds, which was just enough time for Stephen Hawking to escape via his built in time machine. While he was travelling through time, a hole in you mom's space-time fabric caused him to end up in the time of the dinosaurs. Stephen was pissed because he ended up in the wrong place and PWn3d all of the dinosaurs just because they looked at him funny. This theory has proof because [[Al Gore]] invented it.
 
 
A third theory is that [[Brian Blessed]] while galavanting with his faviorate Llama happened to sneeze. A large gobbet of a lesser known race of Hawk-snot was flung far into the reaches of the solar system. Riccocheting of Pluto it headed back to the Earth in a movement known as "DIIIIIIVVVVVVVEEEEEEEE" impacting on the planet with the force of 327 hiroshmia bombs (or 1/2 a [[Chuck Norris]] round house kick), thus causing both mass extinction and the current layout of todays continents.
 
 
A fourth theory presented by Yugioh abridged suggest that, it wasn't the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, it was Tristan Tymothy Tailor. Unfortunetly that didn't score him a date with Serenity.
 
 
All these theories are crap. Dinosaurs are alive and well. They're just hiding, REALLY well.wfeeeeeeeeeee
 
 
==Three Species Survived==
 
One species, known as the Norrisaurus survived due to its amazing ability to roundhouse kick things. It ate well during the great famine and was known back then as the Great Norris. After getting caught under a forest that fell on him and having to eat his way out with its mouth, it became the most famous dinosaur in the world.
 
 
Another species, called Eotriceratops, survived because it was friends with Norrisaurus. Everybody asumed that Eotriceratops was awesome because Norrisaurus was awesome.
 
 
The last of the surviving species was the magnificent, Awesomaraptor. This brilliant hero has made magnificent strides in the fields on modern literature and science. Once asked what his purpose in life was he replied " WAT?! I BE GAWD MOTHAFUCKA! BOW TEW ME DAMMIT! OH YEW DON'T FEEL LIKE BOWIN YA PUNKASS?! Mmmm yummy..."
 
 
== Why are they Extinct? ==
 
 
Previously it was a widely believed theory that Dinosaurs became extinct because of the extinction of [[Smurfs]]. Once the Smurf supply disappeared the Dinosaurs had nothing to eat, and died out. But we now all know that's a bunch of grade" A" bullshit. They died because they wanned to die, life no longer had any point... everything seemed dull. They simply couldn't go on knowing that [[Megan Fox]] wouldn't be born until like 80 bujillion years from now. Damn.
 
 
Luckily, in 1986 world renowned scientist [[Jesus]] was able to reintroduce Smurfs into the ecosystem through DNA cloning. Jesus Pwns.
 
 
After his 1996 civil suit it was revealed that is was actually Micheal Jackson who killed most of the dinosaurs with his new little boy-touching skills.
 
 
 
==Modern Sightings==
 
The first modern sighting was made by [[Mr. Peanut]] who was sitting with his pet, a hedgehog crossbred with a whale (it should be noted that his name was [[Obama]]), on a dreary Tuesday afternoon when it was raining small helpless animals. Suddenly, a big ass dinosaur comes along and eats the small helpless animals. Mr. Peanut's reaction:
 
 
{{Q|[[OMGWTFBBQ]]!!!! DAT WUD DA [[SHIT PIE]]!!!!!!!! I USUALLY DOESNT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!!!! BUT OMGWTFBBQ! BBQ! BBQ! ZOMG! I IZ GONNA DIE!!!!!|Mr. P|His genitals}}
 
 
Later, after he calmed down, he gave the following quote to [[Michael Jackson]]'s corpse:
 
 
{{Q|K, so I'm moving to Alpha Centauri so I can furfill my dremz of becoming a sk8r.|Mr. P|your genitals}}
 
 
{{Q|[[Castration]]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [[OMGWTFROTFLMAOZEDONG]] n00b!|Mary the Virgin|Her virginity.}}
 
 
==See also==
 
*[[UnBooks:My New Life as a T-Rex]]
 
*[[Mesozoic]]
 
*[[Goldasaurus]]
 
*[[Raptor Jesus]]
 
*[[Noah's Ark|Dinosaurs, masturbation of]]
 
*[[Ozone layer]]
 
*[[God]]
 
*[[The Bible]]
 
*[[Oprah Winfrey]]
 
*[[Jurassic Park]]
 
*[http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Judaeo-Palaeontology#Jewrassic_Park Jewrassic Park]
 
*[[The Flintstones]]
 
*[[Chicken]]
 
*[[Microsoft]]
 
*[[Physicsaurus]] NB This dinosaur, unlike others, is not extinct yet.
 
*[[Bub]]
 
*[[Oscar Wilde]]
 
*[[John Prescott]]
 
*[[Tony Benn|Michael Foot]]
 
*[[Bill O'Reilly]]
 
*[[Yoshi]]
 
   
  +
==The future of dinosaur-human relationships==
  +
<choose>
  +
<option weight=10>[[File:Policy.JPG|frame|center|<center><big>'''''Nuff Said.'''''</big></center>]]</option>
  +
<option weight=10>[[File:Robo dino.jpg|frame|center|598px|<center><big>'''''Nuff Said.'''''</big></center>]]</option>
  +
<option weight=10>[[File:Barney rally.jpg|thumb|300px|center|<center><big>'''''Nuff Said.'''''</big></center>]]</option>
  +
</choose>
   
 
[[ar:الديناصورات]]
 
[[ar:الديناصورات]]
Line 70: Line 75:
 
[[zh:恐龙]]
 
[[zh:恐龙]]
 
[[zh-tw:爬蟲人類]]
 
[[zh-tw:爬蟲人類]]
 
==References==
 
<references/>
 
 
[[Category:Extinct Animals]]
 
[[Category:Extinct Animals]]
 
[[Category:Geology]]
 
[[Category:Geology]]
Line 78: Line 80:
 
[[Category:Dinosaurs]]
 
[[Category:Dinosaurs]]
 
[[Category:Gods]]
 
[[Category:Gods]]
  +
[[Category:Dinosaurs]]
  +
[[Category:Scary]]
  +
  +
==Dinosaur footprints==
  +
<references/>
  +
  +
==See also==
  +
*[[HowTo:Clone a dinosaur]]
  +
*[[Judaeo-Palaeontology]]
  +
*[[Jesusaurus Rex]]
  +
{{Colonized|date=22 March 201|revision=}}

Revision as of 15:29, March 22, 2011

Vietnam T-Rex
The annual "feed the orphans" Vietnam campaign is often given accolades by environmentalists. As seen here two orphans give "sporting chase" to their dinner (pity the poor photographers who get in their way).

Dinosaurs have become a major media sensation because of human civilization's increased destruction of their habitat. When the jungles, prairies, forests, and other prime dinosaur ecological communities are destroyed, these noble creatures have to come into cities and towns to search for food and shelter. Humans have always lived in peace with the tinier feathered dinosaurs, and until now the larger dinosaurs were naturally skittish and avoided humans. Due to environmental destruction, this is now proving increasingly difficult, and the bigger specimens no longer keep to themselves.

Dinosaur history

Dinosaurs have roamed the earth and mastered the sky for over six hundred million years (give or take tens of millions). The various species carved out niches and lived either side by side in peace with each other or, in the case of the predators, roamed at will through their territories in search of prey. Having survived many close calls which would have devastated the dinosaur population, including what astrophysicists call several large "missed by just a whisker" asteroid strikes. The relentless nature of these noble creatures was unchecked until the most intelligent of mammals--Homo sapiens--came down from the trees and moved onto the plains.

Habitat and diet

Ogopogo1
Fishermen like to feed dinosaurs their unwantedfresh kills, so a few can always be found down by the docks.

When humans evolved six thousand years ago from smaller mammals and quickly learned how to make fire, speak in understandable grunts, and build pyramids and cave dwellings, dinosaurs generally ignored them. Even as recently as fifty years ago, no one could have predicted the emergence of the industrial age, the subsequent growth of cities, and the mass devastation of dinosaur habitat. Now the two life forms have been forced to get along together, and this has led to new experiences for both species.

Due to deforestation, dinosaurs had less and less of their natural habitat in which to stop slowly in. This led them to suddenly run out of the forest and look around, which led to the increased urbanization of dinosaurs. This increased the breadth of their diet as well, as now dogs, possums, and leftovers come into play.

In fact, many people have started to put out treats for dinosaurs. Piles of leaves can be found in the fall, carefully gathered from lawns and placed in the street by the curb. Dinosaurs eat these buffets as if leaves are going out of style. And many people are leaving their dead relatives and pets on the curbs to happily see them skinned, deboned, and devoured within minutes. As an added benefit, dinosaurs are clean eaters, and, like raccoons, wash their food if they can. Backyard swimming pools suddenly take on a new look when raccoons and dinosaurs compete to see who can clean their food the quickest. Dinosaurs usually win because, before long, they are cleaning the raccoons!


Dinosaurs among us

Dinasaurbeach
Dinosaurs have a very distinctive camouflage that makes them nearly impossible to find. I bet you can't find the dinosaurs in this picture.

All types of miniature dinosaurs, or "dinos", have been brought into our cities, towns and homes for labor or companionship, but primarily for dino labor. Many of these dinos have replaced the saber tooth cat, or Merychippus, and joined the family unit as welcomed substitutions for traditional pets. This is due to their friendly nature and lower housing costs. Many of the tiniest flesh-devouring subjects are carried in purses or knapsacks as conversation pieces, and are taken to posh diner-parties or outdoor meals to be fed directly from plates and to make cleanup a snap!

There was, however, one incident in Tokyo in early 2011 where the dino mistook the owner's hand for the table scraps, and, unfortunately, devoured it. Adding insult to injury, the bill for that night's meal was over five hundred yen. That incident was of course nothing compared to the one that occurred in Chicago the summer of 1994. The dino ate a man's whole arm, and the bill was seven hundred dollars.

Hunting

JPMkole
Poachers attacking en masse; a tactic use by bullies and cowards. Pick on somebody your own size why don't you!

Dinosaur poaching has marred human-dinosaur relations to the extent that most nations have instituted the death penalty for those caught red-handed (literally; they have to be caught with dinosaur blood on their hands, which is why most poachers wear gloves).

The outlawing of dinosaur hunting, including all small dinos such as wild turkeys, geese, ducks, crows and baby sun bees, has eased most hostilities between humans and dinos, but the poaching problem still raises its ugly head. Der Internationale Anschluss des Pochierens (in Japanese 国际偷猎者联合) or International Poachers Union insists that its members simply cannot afford food[1], and lack sufficient intelligence to grow it themselves, so they must, "take the beasties down". Anti-poaching hippies, including United Nations Secretary General Wildflower Sunshine, have passed so many laws protecting dinosaurs that entire conferences have been held to think up at least one more new anti-poaching law, to no avail. (By comparison, the United States has at least 47 government agencies that are responsible for stopping dinosaur hunting, and at least 43 that support it). Their next target: Gloves.

Theme parks

Triceratops ATTACK!
Fire show at 5, 8 and 10.

Known as the "Happiest Place on Earth," Dinoland has been entertaining children for several years now. Smaller dinos have volunteered to be trained to play putt-putt golf, ride the bumper cars, and chase entire families as they come down the chute on the waterslide. Nobody can hold a candle to the smile that a well-placed dinosaur puts on the face of your child!

The two Dinolands--situated in easily accessible Paris, France, and Toronto, Canada--have spurred imitators as far away as Peru (although these faux attractions have no dinosaurs, they do have several foam facsimiles expertly manipulated to chase families down the waterslides). Only recently have the dinosaurs demanded union representation, and this has caused several work stoppages, very loud picket lines, and the unfortunate loss of several management negotiators.

But when all is well and the sun is shining, there is nowhere children would rather be than rubbing the belly of a dinosaur for luck and giving chase to their siblings from atop a triceratops.

PETA

Velociraptor Awareness Day
PETA's Velociraptor Awareness Day, highlighted by its Million-Dino March on the United Nations, threw light on both the mistreatment of raptors and inadvertently on the inner organs of its human participants.

Founded specifically to protect large dinosaurs, PETA (People for Ethical T-Rex Assistance) has recently turned its formidable publicity machine to make sure smaller dinosaurs are also treated fairly. "After all," said PETA spokesperson Bess T. Ality,[2] “scientists all agree that birds are dinosaurs. Really, there's not much difference between a Tyrannosaurus rex and a hummingbird, is there?"

In 2008, PETA organized a campaign to assure that Triceratops were given the right, though United Nations General Assembly resolution, to eat leaves when and where they wanted to, without human interference. Herds of the gentle giants, some with neighborhood children cheerfully riding atop their head shields, began to populate parks and arboretums, cutting the grass and
Dead tree
pruning
the trees as effectively as a crew of migrant workers with sick children back home and nary a peso in their pocket.

Less successful for the cause was the misnamed "World Naked T-Rex Ride" held in spring of 2010. The original concept was for protesters to travel through cities across the world while riding naked Tyrannosaurus rexes. But PETA considered the idea to be cruelty to animals and the group lacked funds to sponsor an international event, so the plan was changed. Instead, the organization used hundreds of women who ran naked through the streets of London. The campaign was intended to put the focus on dinosaur rights, or, as some observers believed, the "Birds Be Free"[3] campaign. But unfortunately, spectators instead focused on the hundreds of women running naked through the streets of London.

PETA continued to expand its focus to include the plight of hundreds of other naked dinosaur species. The group has stood at the forefront of granting freedom and peaceful coexistence to our roaring, rampaging, and carnivorous brothers and sisters.

Unfortunately, the organization suffered some failures. Several people were reported missing after last year's Velociraptor Awareness Day and Million-Dino March. And the group's headquarters’ suffered severe damage and several members were reported missing after their ill-advised Bring-A-Dino-To-Work Day. Bess T. Ality said, "Next year we'll change two things; first, make sure we don't try to lead the 13-foot tall T-Rexes through six-foot high doorways; and second, make sure they eat before we bring them in. Perhaps next time we'll add some tomatoes to the carnivores' vegan salad. They seem to like eating things colored red."

Breeding

800px-MUJA-Tyrannosaurus


Popular culture

Vodkarex
T-Rex drinks Absolut? Get me two cases and put it in his dressing room! And get his agent on the phone. Now, pronto, chop chop, time is money!

As human-dinosaur dynamics are being blurred by societal acceptance and new laws, dinosaurs are entering into popular culture in ways which would have been unheard of a few years ago. Just as gay people were silent and shunned as late as last Thursday, dinosaurs have emerged as our new darlings of the media.

As with all things human, some dinosaurs have been put to work in sales. Who better to shake those last quarters loose from grandma's dusty purse than a thunder lizard? When a brontosaurus tells her to buy something, the money's on the counter. "That's how much drawing power and pizzazz they have," said a spokesman for Absolut. European trends and designs now include the latest dinosaur-endorsed cosmetics and fashions, and when the more prominent dinosaurs started to wear bling, the sales of claw rings, tail garb, and giant nipple rings went through the roof (in some cases, literally).

Dinosaurs working at parks, pizza parlors, or as referees at sporting events have become so commonplace that humans no longer even notice the subtle changes. Fox News spokesman Bill O'Reilly said, "creeping dinosaurism, entering every aspect of human society, can only lead humans down the primrose path of gotch'ya, and before they know it they will be the ones serving dinosaurs plates of human legs, breasts, and white meat in restaurants." Most dismiss this dismal view, "poo-poo" the more frightful scenarios, and insist that the future of dino-human relationships is bright, long, and full of promise.

The future of dinosaur-human relationships

Policy
Nuff Said.

Dinosaur footprints

  1. Because of the high union dues.
  2. The "T" stands for "T-rex.
  3. "Birds be Free" is British slang for "Hundreds of women running naked through the streets of London."

See also

Ic bead Colonized Article Colonized version: 22 March 201
This formerly savage article is brought to you, and your Christian God, by your resident Lobsterbacks. You can join them on their next Colonization at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization.
Ic bead
Personal tools
projects