“Where are they? Oh, You Have To Use A Microscope? That's Retarted! What A Bunch Of Useless Crap. HOLY SHIT!! THEY'RE SWIMMIN' UP MY FUCKIN' ARM!! I'M BEING EATEN!! SCREW YOU OSCAR WILDE!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!”
“Dinoflagellates Are Fucking Retarted AND USELESS n00bz, But Slightly Amusing. So I Decided To Forgive Them. Besides, They Became The First Pirates, So Fuck THAT Shit. Thanks for Re-Discovering Them, Wilde, My Son.”
~ Flying Spaghetti Monster on Forgiving Dinoflagellates For Trying To Pwnzer His Noodliness In A Miserable Attempt Of His Stealing Recipes
editOrigins Of The First Dinoflagellate/StegoSilas
Silas the Albino Monk, Father Of The First Dinoflagellate
Once upon a time, there was a sinister albino monk named Silas. He traveled back in time to bang some dinosaurs because he was really, really bored. Basically, he found a random stegosaurus and raped it, which is why dinoflagellates rape each other when reproducing sexually(see habitual activities, sexual reproduction). The Stegosaurus actually didn't mind being raped, as she was a fugly piece of shit and was happy because she finally got some action. A creature was born, which they named StegoSilas. First they also considered DinoSilas(which ended up becoming the species' classification name), and Stegoflagellate, but they both sounded WAY too fucking retarted. So they decided to settle on something in the middle of the fucking retarted scale, which was StegoSilas. Though Silas and the Stegosaurus never saw each other again, as he went back to the present, they decided to name the kid anyway before he left. The child was pretty much abandoned, and had to fend for itself. To this day, Dinoflagellates still get pissed off when they see a Stegosaurus, Silas or anything that has to do with either of them. Enough said.
editThe Story Of StegoSilas And How His Descendants Became A Species
StegoSilas was pretty pissed off that he was left alone and that his name was the most fucking retarted unorginal thing he had ever heard of, but was too lazy to change it or think of a better one. So he just let his name stay the same. For some random reason, he decided that his dream had always been to become a sumo wrestler. StegoSilas became a pretty kickass sumo wrestler, pwning all the countless n00bz that though they were good.
StegoSilas In His Sumo-Wrestling Days
Eventually, StegoSilas got way too morbidly obese and lazy from all the wins and money, forcing him to split in half by blowing up and taking a HUGE shit(see habitual activities, asexual reproduction). Now there were two identical StegoSilases, but they were both stil WAY too fat, so they kept blowing up and shitting until there were around 4,000 StegoSilases. At this point, they were not even really remotely related, so they were able to go through the classic sequence of rape (see habitual activities, sexual reproduction), without it seeming really fucked up and completely wierd because of any relation. They could also blow up and shit into two if they got too fat agian. This successfully created the species. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, in all his great noodliness, was very pleased about them, and though they were really annoying n00bz sometimes, his Noodliness found them slightly amusing.
editThe Flying Spaghetti Monster and the StegoSilases Saga
StegoSilases Encounter His Noodliness
First off, let's get some things straight. God, Jesus, and any other religious figure or other gods you can think of are all fake.
Only the Flying Spaghetti Monster and his Son, Oscar Wilde are real. The Flying Spaghetti Monster created everything except Dinoflagellates, pirates and Uncyclopedia, which is why His Noodliness likes only them. Everything His Noodliness created disappointed him. So He sent his son, Oscar Wilde, to create Uncyclopedia. Dinoflagellates also happen to be the first ever pirates. Now that we got THAT out of the way...There was a group of special commando StegoSilases who were really cocky. They decided to use their amazing powers, hit points and mana points, in a miserable attempt to pwnzer his Noodliness and steal his recipes. The whole plan fell apart when they saw his Noodliness and got scared, and they got uberpwned instead because his Noodliness was pissed off at the n00bz. They then decided to flee to the deep parts of the soil in his Noodliness' son, Oscar Wilde's backyard to stay safe.
Eventually, his Noodliness got even more pissed off and really bored. So he asked his son, Oscar Wilde, to find the StegoSilases and that he would forgive them. They were finally discovered in Oscar Wilde's backyard by Oscar Wilde, who, upon seeing them with his amazing ass X-ray vision, said, "Whoa, these things are so dumb,I'll give them an even dumber name. StegoSilas sounds fucking retarted. They look suspiciously like a plated dinosaur and Silas from the Da Vinci Code fused together using the Patara Earrings. Either that or they had sex. Anyway, how about Dinoflagellates?" And that is how they got their name. His Noodliness was pleased by the name, and the StegoSilases liked it as well. So, their name got changed to dinoflagellates. Basically, after that, The Flying Spaghetti Monster was happy and granted the dinoflagellates a general amnesty.
Dinoflagellates reproduce sexually when they are bored, or really cold, but usually reproduce by blowing up and taking a shit when they get too fat (called mitosis by those n00bz who think they are contributing to the world, a.k.a scientists).
During sexual reproduction, two dinoflagellates get together. This is how the conversation normally goes:
Dinoflagellate Rape(sexual reproduction)
Imitating Sarah Palin(sexual reproduction)
-I'm bored too...
-Let's have kids!
-You shut up!
-Just fuse with me!
-No!!!! Rape! Rape!
That is how dinoflagellates reproduce. The new dinofuckingflagellate comes out while the rape is going on, which is sort of fucked up, but they don't really give a shit, so mind your own fucking business.
And when they get cold:
-I can think of some activities to warm you up...it's called photosynthesis, get in the sun.
Another way they reproduce is by 'explosion and excretion'. This occurs when they become fat and lazy. When dinoflagellates reach the point where they mass more then the largeness that is the English teacher Belinda Papageorge, they must, and are in fact forced to split in half by both explosion and excretion. Basically, nature forces them to take a MASSIVE shit, exploding out. Their own mass decreases to a more normal level, while the pile of shit condenses and forms into a new dinoflagellate. Don't believe me? Take a fucking look, you non-believer.
Blowing Up And Shitting(asexual reproduction)
FAT ASS Dinoflagellate About To Explode Into Two(asexual reproduction)