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Dildus (dildus vulgaris) is an infectious disease whereby the sufferer progressively advances from acting like a dick to actually becoming one: a phallic shape, usually dark-brown to black in color.
Much like syphilis, dildus presents itself in three stages: Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary.
- Primary dildus or Stage 1 dildus begins with severe behavioral and psychological changes; the sufferer becomes cruel, belligerent, and is often irritable. Friendships and romances tend to become difficult, as the infected person can't keep from "being a dick."
- In secondary dildus, physical changes are present; the skin darkens and hardens (what is known as negrus keratosis). The trunk tends to elongate, and the cranium becomes distorted, forming the familiar toadstoolus erectus shape (colloquially, the "dick-head").
- In tertiary dildus, the physical symptoms become more pronounced. The patient comes to resemble a long black dildo. In some cases, what is known as Kermit's Palsy or "vibrating" may occur.
Despite popularity with the ladies in the final stages, the disease is almost always fatal.
Dildus is presently incurable. However, if caught in its primary stage, the progression of the disease may be slowed with medications such as getalifeacil and quitbeinadickacin.
Alternate treatments are being studied, most notably cannabis, which has been used with only moderate success. The leading researcher in this field, Dr. Bob Ferguson, was asked on the weekly PBS health program Oh, My Bags why so much emphasis was put into using marijuana even though the results were only mildly beneficial. Dr. Ferguson simply responded, "Because it's so far out, man," put on sunglasses, and left in the middle of the interview to get some Doritos.
Ancient sources on dildus are numerous. Hippocrates describes a case of dildus briefly in a letter to Miaculpolis:
|“||Motherfucker looked like a big damn dick!||”|
—Hippocrates, Fred, Letters Hippocrates Wrote When He Was Drunk, vol. 3, p. 245
In ancient China, the disease was believed to originate in the foot, a theory which medical historian Dr. Suck Muck Dick described as being "totally stupid." In India, the Unayurveda described the disease as an imbalance of Shitta and Kafka. Galen described the disease as an imbalance of humours in 56 A.D., the treatment being "leeches leeches AND MORE LEECHES (mad cackling)."
There have been many outbreaks and epidemics of dildus over the centuries:
- An outbreak in Rome in 123 B.C. took 311 lives.
- An outbreak in Alexandria in 1 B.C. took 800,000,000,000 lives. (This figure is disputed.)
- An outbreak in Constantinople in 589 A.D. took 16 lives.
- There was an outbreak in China during the Tang Dynasty.
- There is also believed to have been an outbreak in Paris in 1239, but demographic evidence is scant because no one "gave a damn" (Personne n'a donné qu'un zut).
- There were epidemics in London in 1247, 1368, and 1544.
- There were also outbreaks in Lisbon in 1367 and, more recently, yesterday.
Between the 1603 attack in Prague, which took 611 lives, and the 1770 plague in Vienna, there was an unexplained gap in dildus outbreaks. Historians have suggested that Prague's Czcy Grzykski hurt dildus's feelings when he described it as:
|“||...an affliction upon mankind, a detestable disease sprung forth from the loins of the devil himself.||”|
—Brown, Matthew H. Ed., Anthology of Angry Diatribes, p. 268
In 1886, Louis Pasteur first described the dildus pathogen after analyzing infected weasel saliva. His notes describe the incident:
|“||I was alerted to the presence of a very large amount of floating animaculi in the saliva sample. Upon adjusting the lenses I could discern what resembled tiny floating penises that were black in color".||”|
—Pasteur, Collected Ramblings, pp. 23-24
edit Cultural References
- Dildus was referenced in the song I Got the Dildus Blues by Cripple Blueberry Wallace.
- The song Dildus was recorded by Black Towel Bookcase for its debut album, Yet Another Indie Group Whose Name Is Three Unrelated Things (OMGweresoindie Records, 2002).
- In episode #156 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, the crew encounters a race of dildo-headed aliens that was believed to be inspired by the disease. A line uttered by Counselor Deanna Troi was the first recorded instance of the word "dildo" being hyphenated.
- Jonathan MacAdamia wrote about his experience with the disease in his memoir, Chocolate Party Favor: Living with Dildus.