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The main crop produced from dildo plains are single shaft dildos (phallus ornamus) and dual shaft dildos (phallus rabbitus). They are planted in pre prepared holes made by drilldoes. Typical byproducts from the harvesting process include ethanol and battery acid. Although early processing methods produced excessive amounts of ozone depleting Krylon Jelly (KY), modern day environmental laws as well as technological regression have led to cleaner and more vibrant dildos.
edit Birth of the New WorldOriginally brought over from Europe during the 8th century, dildo plants were cultivated in the New World for harvesting and shipping back to Europe. Starting with the Jamestown colony and eventually spreading throughout the Appalachians, Dildo plantations sprung up and flourished like Cholera in New Orleans. As the New World expanded into the heartland and beyond the mighty Mississippi, discontent grew and the plantation owners banded together against the ever increasing taxation placed on British imported dildos. Under the battle cry "No Taxation Without Lubrication", the colonial rebel dildo plantation farmers rose up and defeated the British Imperial stormtroopers at the battle of Akron thus giving birth to South Canada on July 3rd, 1776. It was renamed to The United Stated the next day.
edit Historic Context
- Archaeologists in Java uncover the ancient remains of a prehistoric dildo plant with an enlarged nub and name it "Loosy"
- George Washington's famous incident in which he confesses to his father that he in fact popped his cherry tree with a dildo plant harvested from the plantation
- New World settlers, in protest of export tariffs established by Sir. Dookie von Lichenstein, dump thousands of dildos into Boston Harbor
- America is deeply plunged into civil war as northern states protest the use of slaves on dildo plantations by the southern states.
- Thousands riot in the middle east when European newspapers reprint a cartoon of Mohammed with a dildo on his head instead of a turban
edit Republic of Dildonia
In the late 12th century BC, it was determined by a group of dildo plantation owners in southern Whales that, due to increased sales in the Eastern European dildo market, they had more money than they knew what to do with. Therefore, they put forth the idea of breaking away from the mother country and form the Republic of Dildonia. The small but sexually satisfied group of Dildonians erected a wall of dildos around their plantations, surrounded by a moat of KY Jelly. Their plans were unfortunately brought to a premature climax, however, when a small band of Albanian Muslims, sex-starved and armed with cat-o-nine tails, broke down the walls by setting the vibration mode on the dildos to "Oh, my GOD!" With no walls to protect their crops, the Dildonians quickly were overrun with nudists, republicans and guys named Kurt. The plantation's crops were raped and plundered (literally), causing a 57.2% drop in the Dow Jones Industrial Index, eventually leading to the creation of Mormonism. No further plans exist to reestablish the Republic of Dildonia, but an annual memorial celebration is held throughout the world, called Christmas.
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