# Dildo

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”
~ Dickens on Dildos
“MOM! KITTY'S BEING A DILDO!”
~ Eric Cartman on dildos
“Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight!”
~ Eric Cartman's mom on being a slut
“Better in then out, I always say.”
~ Shrek on dildos

A DILDO, or Freedom Tickler, as Dubya calls it, is a many splendoured animal, and should not be confused with the town of the same name in Newfoundland, Canada. It comes in all shapes and sizes. The largest dildo ever reported was 3000 kilometers long and was accompanied by Condoleezza Rice. An astounded George W. Bush said about the event - "Oh my GOD, she was, like, riding... I mean, really... she was riding it". The smallest reported are the Amazonian Pygmy Dildos (Dildocus Amamazonia). Less than 1 milimeter in length, these micro-dildos are often used to impregnate Tsetse Flies (Glossinidae Glossina) as part of US military research into Tony Blair's impregnable sphincter (see: Michael Jackson).

Dildos are available in all markets, especially the downtown shops that sell porn, cigarettes, and kitten huffing utensils. The best bargain is available at 9/11, the round the clock sensation that started in New York City. The Good Housekeeping magazine rates dildos as the one of the top five things that a housewife must have. The article also claimed that 77% of all marriages could have been salvaged by one or more dildos.

National Geographic has reported dildos as the most popular household pet of 21st century, replacing the Dog as woman's best friend. According to an independent survey, 48% of married women and 89% of unmarried women now prefer dildos over dogs. The National Enquirer reported that at least 17 women, 9 men and 2 children have been eaten by dildos between 1988 and 2001. Though FBI has denied that report to be a fact, some people still remain afraid of dildos. Identified as Dildophobes, they are waiting for the Senate to pass State Protection of Dildophobes and Free Psychiatric Treatment bill.

## Types of Dildo

~ Sun Tzu on the Art of Dong

### Major Classes

Domestic Dildo: Five to seventeen inches long, usually white, dull black, electric blue or shocking pink in color, with sleek body-armor and slanted heads, these dildos are often found in girls lockers, and gay kitchen cabinets. Some of these have also creeped into maximum security institutions. Major sub-classes within the class are:

Common House Dildo (Dildophalic Concolor)
European Garden Dildo (Dildocunis Familitoes)
All American Domestic Dildo (Sexitilis Americana)
Narcotic Dildo: Smaller than four inches in length, usually baby pink, pale blue, light purple or beige in color, without body armors, moderately inflatable and attached to a long tail, these dildos have come to the US from outlandish cultures, i.e. Japan. When excited these dildos can grow several times bigger than normal. They are almost always found hidden inside lace-panties.

In Japan they are known as Dendou-kokeshui, and have been ordered by the government to become a part of school uniforms. But, in many places around the world they are banned for their excessively addictive nature. There have also been reports of extreme malnutrition, delusion and spontenous orgasm associated with them. Major sub-classes within the class are:

Equatorial Light-flashing Dildo (Pyrodildo Borealis)
Common Japanese Dildo Flea (Dildophalic Cuntis)
Longtailed Micro Dildo (Microdildex Dubious)
Portable Bodyhugging Ivy League Dildo (Bibliodildea Tubulata)

Wild Dildo: 10 to 15 inches long, usually glistening black, baby pink, deep purple or swamp green in color, with sculpted body-armor and bulbous heads, these dildos are usually found working in the show biz industry. These are often associated with people who measure over 42D. During 1950s the massive dildo domestication culture nearly drove wild dildos out of existence. But, with careful reintroduction in the last two decades they are making a cumback.

Because of their extreme and uncivilized ways, wild dildos are often called such names like - the buster, the punisher, or the brute. There have been unauthenticated reports of people getting hospitalized due violence unleashed by 144-HP 20-inch 3000-rpm spiked dildos (Dildeadlia Obscenitae), an endangered species. Major sub-classes within the class are:

Giant Corrugated Marsh Dildo (Crocodildae Acutus)
Average Twisted-body Marsh Dildo (Crocodildae Misshapensis)
Northern Spiked Dildo (Dildochinus Mysogynis)
Migratory Doubleheaded Black Dildo (Megahorny Dildocornis)
Intercontinental Ballistic Dildo (Dildorocketus Nuclearus)

"Pussy fuck my asshole and serve me a dildo" is a common phrase used by Emu's to tell a human that they want their asshole pussy fucked and would also like to be served a dildo.

### Minor Classes

American Astronmical Society claims that six minor classes of dildos are available in North Atlantic area, while American Astrological Society claims that number to be twelve. Ecole de la Dildo de Paris has been trying to solve the dispute since 1969. According to the French the governing law of optimization of dildo species number is as follows:

$Angh^{\infty}+\frac{1}{n} \sum_{Ah=Oh}^{n-faster}f_U 0^{F**K^U/n}Harder = Angh^{Oooh}+\sqrt{\frac{\pi^{Oh}X}{-F^{\lambda} } } = \frac{1}{2Do} \oint_{\delta M} F(Oh^{Yeah^\epsilon})$

The Ecole de la Dildo de Paris is of course the longtime home of Louise Edouard de Cornhole, the famed anatomist and physicist who developed the calculation - now a mandatory calculation used on a daily basis in the porn industry - for calculating the maximum diameter of dildo which may be safely inserted into the anus of a woman 18 to 24 based upon her ethnicity, hair color and number of ex-boyfriends.

## [E(1.75 x 1.02b)]h

• Marine Dildo: An excellent companion in beach sports, these gentle dildos face a cruel extinction due an outbreak of the Jaws. The last few of these can be seen off the coast of Minorca island and in the Baywatch bay.
• Monster Dildo: In the mountains of Transylvania they forage in the forest for dragon dung. Believed to be undead, they generally avoid teenyboopers.
• Mega Dildo: Generally found in major American cities. These rare dildos are each identified by a name like - Empire State Building, Sears Tower, Seattle Sky Needle, Rockfeller Center, Petronas Tower and such others.
• Osama Dildo: These cave-dwelling dildos are known to raise wars from far corners of the world against Mega Dildos. One such attack has recently seen the death of two Mega Dildos in New York City.
• Valentine Dildo: Also known as the Love Dildo. These venomous dildos were unleashed in the Korean War in hope of getting the bloody dicksucking dogfucking motherofallcrime yellowskin Koreans huffed out overnight. The plan is currently under review as it has been known that Koreans are still living.
• Christmass Dildo: In the 1970s they became the most popular gift from Santa Claus. But, these Arctic dildos were not infinite in supply. In the end, the government decided to distribute condoms at schools to compensate for them.
• Dancing Dildo: These rare Mexican dildos have inspired a host of latin dances, including Samba, Rumba, Mumba, Pieta, Lambada, Mantra, Macarena, Salsa, Yoda, Llama and Bush. A mexican saying goes like - "You may dance like a dildo, but you'll never be a dildo."
• Flying Dildo: The schools that have banned the ungodly theories of evolution and relativity have included the connection between the airplane and the flying dildo. In fact, Dilbert Wright, the eldest of the Wright brothers had captured one of them to inspire his then worthless brothers.
• Voodoo Dildo: Used by despots of Central America to control US presidents. The most famous victim was Ronald Raygun, who may be a dildo posing as human, as some people suspect. Others claim, Bill Cleandong should deserve the honor of that suspicion.
• Poseidon's Anal Dildo : These became frequent between 1939 and 1945. It explains the uncanny disappearance of many German U-boats inspite of the the crappy British ships' best efforts.
• Ann Coulter dildo: Ugly, scrawny variety with jagged projections and a sharp curve and twist to the right. A version produced with a sound chip was test marketed but 7 recipients choked on their own vomit and 4 others impaled themselves on swords.

### Genetically modified dildos

Although widely believed as true, the myth that dildos grow on trees, sadly, is just that - a myth. Scientists have made several advances in recent years, however, and are now working to change that. Already two prototypes are getting ready for the market - Diltree™ and Treeldo™. The earliest samples of the vegetable dildo were in fact a hybrid between a plant and and animal that looked something between a fish (incidentally a symbol of fertility in faiths with a capital "F") and a banana (a much favored alternative to real dildo). However, these products are now "being watched" by the Russian and Japanese mafia for interfering with their profits from the underground sex-toy market.

## Origin of Dildo

Dildos developed early in the geological period known as the Dildurian era. Together with earthworms, jellyfish, Wikipedia, and Jedi Knights dildos came to roam the high seas. Fossil remains of the first dildos to grow a spine from the period known as the Dildovian era have found in abundance in the basement of a Tokyo strip joint known as the Beauty and the beast (Kokushi-Do-Kantushi). This particular stock of dildo-fish has been associated with at least 16 scandals over 11 years, bringing eight Japanese governments down.

The first dildos to climb on to the beach (allegedly at the sight of Baywatch cast) appeared near San Diego, California, in the period known as the Dildermian era. Since that time, Pamela Anderson, Marilyn Monroe, Eriak Eleniak, Sophia Loren, Yasmin Bleeth, Britney Spears, Donna D'Errico, Your Mom, Loren Francis, and Gina Lee Nolin are being chased by by crazed dildos all over the world. No amount of police or lap-dancer intervention has been effective in repelling them.

In the Age of Dinosaurs, Dildosaurs (Dildosuaria Cavedigger) appeared along with T-rex, King Kong, King Arthur, Godzilla, Spiderman, Hawkgirl, Gandhitler and the rest of the large reptiles.

In the Dildozoic era evolved the milk-squirting electric-powered warm-blooded vibrating dildos. The first of these Mammadildos (a precursor of Pappadildos and Buddydildos, as well as both types of Strangerdildos - Amigadildas and Amigodildos) were tiny and fast-paced excited creatures. Their closest relatives are now known as the Japaneses Discrete Clit-Vibros (Vibrus Orientalis Clitpussae).

## Myth of the Dildo

Dildo myths are abundant in all cultures. The Communists, a tribe of Russian Hobbits, believe that a primordial dildo tilled the earth to create the first human couple - Dildon and Dildina - who are the parents of the humankind. Both Darwinian faggots and Evangelist maggots have rejected this view. But, similar other myths have been found among Apaches, New York Mets, Bangladeshis, Eskimos and Zulus, all believing that one dildo or several others have been connected to the birth of humanity. This myth has led one school of anthropologists to attribute dildo-use in some cultures for the purpose of impregnating gay couples.

Another common theme in dildo myths is the battle between the Dildo and the divine Dick (note: Dick is the name for the ancient family of Dildo-farmers. The current head of the family is Dick Chenny). The Generals, a proto-human species with large mouths and small hearts, turn every September 11 to the East to commemorate the battle.

## History of Dildo

The oldest domesticated dildo was extracted from the tomb of King Tut, from the rear and lower part of the king's mummy to be precise. And, from the accompanying gobbledygook (popularly known as hieroglyphs) its ancient name was extracted as well. And wonder of wonders, the name was - DILDO - written in hieroglyph as
. It was then clear to researchers that King Tut was a homosexual due to the way in which the dildo was found lodged in the king's anal cavity. After extensive testing, scientists have learned that this ancient dildo was inscribed with the name
 L43
which was translated into "Jesus."

### Dildo in the Medieval Era

In the middle ages (circa 18th Century), dildos were domesticated by the American Motion Picture Academy. Initially it was dubbed the Oscar (Osacarae Wildeus). But, Oscar Wilde, a proud advocate of penis as a weapon of mass destruction, didn't quite appreciate the name. He appointed three lawyers, four Mafia hitmen and two green cucumbers to make a proposition to the Academy they couldn't refuse. Actually, they couldn't refuse the cucumbers, as they were all higly sculpted, extremely supple and about the right size. So, the name was changed to John, then Paul, then Geroge and then Ringo. All these names failed to feature in the Times Best Seller List. Finally the Academy settled for the name dildo.

Dildos became instantly popular with the masses. In fact they became more popular for use during masses. As a result the church made a petition to the state to stop people from producing, distributing or advertising dildos. The famous case of the State vs. Dildo in the end went in favor of the dildo on the grounds of freedom of expression. This decision in turn gave birth to the idea of dildos with a right to freedom of speech.

### Dildo in the 20th Century

1920s
Metropolis of Dildo founded in the British penal colony of Newfoundland by the Vatican as the Global Replacement for Saint Nipple's Cathedrool. The name, often suggested as a variation of the Bloody Injun gibbersih D'deeldowhh, was likely chosen to encourage Christian missionaries to settle in the area. But they unfortunately were more attracted to Fucking, Austria, where the Holy Christian Cult of Birds and Bees were headquartered.
1930s

A group of Czech genetic engineers finished building the first mammoth sized vibrating dildo (Dildocus Giganticus). It was to be used by King Kong, the King of Hong Kong. But the king eventually preffered a bigger dildo - known as the Empire State Building - though it didn't vibrate at all. Sources close to the king reported him saying - "Size matters." That quote immortalized by Ronald Regan in his speech to explain gobal economy has found its way into numerous works of art and research.

1940s

Our leader, the savior of mankind, messiah of the modern days, lord Führer Adolph Hitler committed suicide in a Berlin Bunker, and he died, and he remained dead. Right? Wrong. Actually, his soul was transferred to a dildo, and that dildo was carried off to Mars for safe keeping. If you have ever seen a KGB agent with a dildo sticking out of his butt, you'd know the agent is doing it for the motherland - to find the soul of the Führer. King Tut's Dildo is brought from the Napoleanic Archives to Metropolitan Musuem of Modern Art in New York for a two-month exhibition. Dadaist art movement is deeply impressed by the show. A full dozen artists, including Desmond Tutu, replaced their one of their organs or other with dead dildos and changed their names to rhyme with King Tut.

1950s

Harley Davidson introduced the dildo shaped Jimmy, branded as the ultimate in MoBi (that's a motor-bike, you dummy), by the middle of the decade. For a short period the Jimmy used to hold the land-speed and air-speed records for a dildo both made one evening by a homicidal homosexual in Denmark. Posters featuring James Dean on a Jimmy the dildo are still a must-have for teenagers and widows alike.

1960s

The Dildos became the biggest musical sensation of the decade. The Flower Power generation was completely enthralled by their sensational lyrics on dildos ("Lucy in the Sky with Dildo" or "Honey, will the dildo bring you money?" or "Got to have that dildo now"). And, they were excited by their sensible music that used dildos as flutes, drums and/or party-hooters. The song "All I want for christmas is my two front dildos" was a big hit in the American charts

1970s

Hawaii Five Dildos became the longest running TV show ever, but failed to get an entry into the Guinness Book of World Records for that. Some say, the failure was due to a failure to pass the Wikipedia notability policy. Bitter-tasting and salivating dildos have started sprouting on trees of Hawaii since the TV show went on air.

1980s

Two varieties of dildos came under protected status for fear of immediate extinction. Adriana Moonster, the famous golfer, and Natasha Sabowski, the famous soprano, became advocates for the protection of dildos. The following campaign - I'd rather go hungry - was a massive success, prompting much dildo-dumping around the world.

1990s

The first vegetable dildos were made possible by a group of Harvard biologists with the use of the latest Japanese fetish fads and state-of-the-art genetic technology. Buddhist women, who were so far unable to make use of dildos without being excommunicated, showed their delight at the news by making a gift of a month-long ultra-kinky super-orgy to members of the group. The Dalai Lama blessed the event as an omen for free Tibet for Tibetans and free Coca-Cola for all.

### 21st century

Colored dildos faded away as a fashion fad, giving way to simple filthy dick suckah niggah (a.k.a. black) dildos, and filthy pussy licking palefaces (a.k.a. white) dildos. But, by the end of the decade the Colour Revival movement of Underground Dildo Warriors, a group of hardcore dildo lovers, re-introduced color to the world of dildos. The movement was much endorsed by Lucy Liu, Chow Yun Fat, Hsu Qi and Jet Lee. Today the largest collection of dildos is owned by Paris Hilton, the famous museum in France that doubles as an art museum and triples as a gambling resort.