From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The camera is a device which records, stores, and manipulates both still images and eternal souls. Traditionally, a camera consists of a closed chamber with an open aperture at one end through which the light or soul enters, a sensitive surface to record either target, and an extra-dimensional 'hell portal' into which the resulting products are forever judged and tormented (colloquially known as Facebook).
Most historians agree that the first modern camera was invented by the Swiss scientist Johann Zootenberg in 1913. Zootenberg had been sold a lemon by the local dealer of used Ford Model Ts, and decided that the only sensible way to resolve the dispute would to steal the man's eternal soul. Zootenberg was in fact successful in developing the first cumbersome, ugly, gray camera (Many believe he was an ancestor of Microsoft designers). Unfortunately he was unable to capture the man's soul and force him to return his $300 because, as everyone knows, used car salesmen have no soul.
In the years since, stealing souls has become an increasingly popular pastime. As a result, most of the people you encounter on the street have little or no soul left, which explains why you run into so many jerks in the modern world.
In the 19th century, the flash-bulb camera was invented with the intention to capture the souls of Irishmen, who hid underground in dark coal mines. Today, it is a common misconception that Irishmen actually mined coal while underground. On the contrary, most often, Irish "coal miners" used their removed locations to brew vats of moonshine and host all-Irish battle royales.
National Geographic Magazine helped popularize photography by recording pictures of primitive people such as nude Amazon Indians. Being superstitious folk with no understanding of modern technology, they were ignorant of the fact that the National Geographic photographers were stealing their souls, and readily posed for pictures. Another common use of cameras is to turn young females into whores that can't wait to undress. Evidence of this is shown in Girls Gone Wild movies.
edit A Few Points About Camera Safety
1. Never point a camera at anyone, particularly their head or chest, because this will steal a piece of their soul. Of course, if your purpose is to steal a person's soul, then aim directly for the head or chest.
B. Never take a picture of a mirror, this will create a paradox as the camera is capturing an image of itself, causing the camera to backfire and implode, taking the operator with it. Digital cameras have a more consequential outcome, the operator instantly appears on Facebook as an idiot.
3. Never use a tripod. It is a dangerous creature which will attack on sight. More people die each year from stampeding tripods than from shark attacks and phallic suffocation combined.
4. Never aim a camera at an orthadox jew, it's like garlic to a vampire, they will suck your blood.
XIV. A camera, when not being used to take shitty artsy fartsy pictures, should be used solely for the purpose of shooting pornography.
edit Camera Qualities
1080p, 720p, 480p, 360p, 240p, 8-mm camera with telephoto lens, calculator, toaster, potato, complete shit
edit Technical Aspects of the Camera
Cameras have a number of important settings. These include exposure time, aperture, and ISO.
- Exposure time determines how long the shutter is open. The longer the shutter is open, the larger a piece of someone's soul you can steal. The long exposures required to completely steal a soul (many seconds or even minutes) demand use of a tripod. So if you see someone with a tripod, run. Alternatively, you can run up and hit them hard and steal the tripod, so they won't be able to steal your soul.
- The aperture is the diameter of the aperture through which the person's soul passes into the camera; most cameras have a mechanical iris which can adjust the size of the aperture. Obviously, the larger the aperture, the more easily the soul can flow into the camera. However, this makes it more difficult to get the soul in focus.
- ISO is sensitivity of the photographic emulsion or electronic chip. The higher the ISO number the more sensitive it is. High ISO films or digital camera settings allow you to use short exposure times, and therefore to steal the souls of fast-moving people like athletes. However, the soul is not recorded quite as cleanly when high ISO is used.
edit Kinds of Camera
- Instant Camera. Polaroid is the most famous kind of Instant Camera. Just add water, and you're ready to photograph.
- Box Camera. Used exclusively for taking pictures of boxes.
- Pin-Hole Camera. The most primitive form of picture taking. Still used today, but the images are the size of a pin-hole. Look really hard and squint a little.
edit Camera Manufacturers
- Canon. Cannon was originally a military contractor specializing in mortars and small-bore artillery. Later, in World War I they developed large cameras with enormous telephoto lenses to steal the souls of hundreds of troops from miles away. Canon's most popular model; the 1D-IIIs is possibly the most deadly weapon known to man. Simply buying one can cause poverty, homelessness, emaciation and death within weeks. The 1D-IIIs was largely ineffective on the battlefield however, as it never to date managed to focus on anything at all and most models have since been recalled.
- Nikon. These cameras, powered by a small nuclear reactor, gained popularity in the 1950s. Many professional photographers prefer this brand because you never have to replace the batteries, regardless of how often you used the flash. However, Nikon lost a significant market share after a series of disastrous meltdowns in the 1960s and 1970s. This loss was initially buffered by a number of customers exhibiting preternatural 'abilities', but was further compounded when the only result of their strange gifts was a string of sub-par comic books.
- Mephisto. A popular brand of camera manufacturer, Mephisto products are known for their sleek, black, icy-cold camera housings. According to published technical specifications, a photographer wielding one of these cameras has his or her own soul stolen upon use. This soul is then transferred to Satan, who is the Devil. Subsequently, souls taken in this fashion fuel his newly established and much more lucrative investments in 'soul commodities', providing much needed capital for Mephisto outside of the holiday shopping season.
- SUPER HAPPY SNAP: Established in 1806, SUPER HAPPY SNAP (a subsidiary of SHS Capital Acquisitions Group Ltd.) has only recently gained popularity in western markets. Through it's patented 'soul transference' capture method, a soul may be stored in the camera's internal storage indefinitely. The captured soul may then be manually ejected in a form and temperament similar to that of the soul's original vessel, and used to 'battle' other souls ejected from other cameras in the same manner. This technology was first introduced to the west through the popular Pokemon franchise (also a subsidiary SHS Capital Acquisitions Group Ltd.).
edit see also