Diet Coke
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Diet Coke was first made in 1848 after terrorists had just kidnapped Jesus's daughter and pirates had just become fashionable. It is currently the top selling product to fat wives who try to lose weight but still want to eat. Many people are against it seeing as they use actual semen. A petition was made by the Muslims to have everybody working in the corporation decapitated and then have their heads delivered to their children through UPS because FedEx sucks.
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[edit] History
Diet coke was originally invented by Kenyans using (among other things) dirt, squirrel poop, magic mushrooms, your mom and black paint. He intended to use it to power his giant, world destroying robot, but then got high and watched birds all day. The recipe was left in his sock draw until it was discovered by Lil Wayne and George Bush who were having a sleepover.
[edit] The Twentieth Century
In 1915, an oil company stole the formula, tweaked it and started selling it as a drink. During World War II, some soldier almost as smart as a lobotomized cow tried to drink the fuel only to find out the taste was almost the same as coke. When the fact became known, Coca-Cola killed the witnesses to hide the truth bought the rights to the fuel and began to produce it under the name of Diet Coke.
During the jazz age, Diet Coke, like alcohol, was subject to prohibition, and also like alcohol, was thereafter controlled by members of organized crime syndicates. The tradition continues to this day -- Coke's current president, the palindromically named Neville Isdell, is also a mid-level enforcer for the Tetrazzini crime family (his nickname is "The Chicken"). Connections to the mob underworld can also be glimpsed in Diet Coke's mid-1980s advertising slogan, "Drink it or we'll bury you under the goal post in Giants Stadium."
Children are introduced to Diet Coke at the beverage's enormous theme park near Athens, GA -- Diet-Coketopia. The park is full of delights sure to scar and terrify amuse children, including characters such as Alvie Aspartame, Dennis DL-PhenylAlanine, and Peter Potassium Benzoate. Rides abound as well -- the Jitterer, a free-standing chamber which vibrates uncontrollably for anywhere between fifteen seconds and sixty two hours, and Johnny's Journey Back from Diabetic Lassitude, a realistic journey through an obese twelve-year-old's bloodstream.
Millions of people died in 2005 and 2006 from drinking diet coke and eating mentos at the same time. All of these people deserved to die, because they were all either raging faggots Homosexual, really really stupid or those people that object to loud rock music at 4AM.
[edit] The Future
Diet Coke will be replaced in 2007 by Diet Diet Coke, which has no calories, no carbonation, no color, no odor, and no taste. The drink will be so devoid of nutritional value that drinking it will actually create a black hole within its host's body, absorbing all the solid matter and expelling it into a part of the universe many thousands of light years away that you really shouldn't go to, even in army boots. It will marketed with a hip advertising capaign, thus condemning all mankind to eternal damnation. Well, moreso than global warming.
''''''== For God's Sake, Why? == Theologians, [[philosophers]] and psychoanalysts have been long perplexed by the popularity of this beverage (the 4th most popular soft drink in [[the world]] after [[Coke]], [[beer]] and unsanitary water (especially popular in third world countries)). Some have theorised that the combination of [[saccharine]], acesulfame-[[potassium]] and low-grade [[kittens]] produces a mind-altering substance, similar to home shopping advertisements or [[Oprah]] Winfrey. Others have scoffed at these theories and suggested that the attraction is its creamy smooth flavour combined with low fat levels (these are usually Coca-Cola executives). [[Image:Dietcokewithbacon.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Diet Coke with BACON!]] Interestingly enough, the drink is primarily consumed by fatties who are under the delusion that yes, they can eat that tripple fat-slice burger with extra fat on top, because they drink Diet Coke, so that makes it all okay.''''''
[edit] Fabrication
As the formula has changed over the years and is now copyrighted, yet still tastes like shit, we can't disclo-- wait, copyrighted? Who cares shit about copyrights in uncyclopedia? Ok then:
[edit] Ingredients
The original ingredients were:
- Dirt
- Squirrel poop
- Magic mushrooms
- Your mom
- Black paint
- Souls of the stupid
- something else
The Tank Fuel Recepie:
- Crushed faries
- LSD
- Black lead paint
- Recycled tyres
- Dirt
- Squirrel poop
The Current Recepie:
- Nitroglycerin
- Just a little cancer
- Artificial Petroleum
- Squirrel shit
- Preservatives
- Cough Medicine
- Not-very-diluted nuclear runnoff.
- Sheep Entrails
The lack of actual petroleum in the fuel caused the Coca-Cola company to add plastic condoms after some testing with goat semen, which is practically the same but harder to get.
[edit] Production
Coca-Cola gave a personal touch to Diet Coke by having Korean slaves produce it, receiving only 25c per day. The korean sweat gives Diet Coke its characteristic capitalistic flavor.
[edit] No, seriously for a second, what IS Diet Coke?...
Though pondered by many Scientists, it has been theorized that the original Diet Coke was the blended shit of the Incredible Hulk and the nuclear waste of the server systems that run the popular MMO Warcraft. Though that being impossible, for Warcraft IS shit, therefore, and hereafter, waste BEING the shit, the shit IS the waste. Thus only proving the point that shit IS waste, and that the waste of shit would undoubtedly only be more shit, A.K.A. waste. With that being said, it was concluded that Diet Coke is what we thought it was all along, thanks to its taste, just syrupy piss water.
Thierry Henry is even allergic to the shit!!
[edit] External links
[edit] See also
--Mr Inversity 10:07, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
