Death

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“ I love death. It gives me something to do all day.”

~ The Grim Reaper on Dying

“ I laugh, you laugh. You laugh, I laugh. I cry, you cry. You cry, I laugh, you go jump off a cliff”

~ The Idiot on Dying

“Considering I am a Time Lord, I can't die so screw you, Death.”

~ Ricardo on Death

“I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens”

~ Some Dude on Death

“Death, the final step for getting into Heaven...unless you're part of the 99.99999999999% of the world's population that's going to Hell.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Death

“The main cause of death in the world is ME!!”

~ Chuck Norris on Death

“DEATH KILLS!”

~ Captain Obvious and his fellow campaigners for the worldwide banning of death

“Oops, it got me.”

~ Stephen Gately on on Death.

“Over my dead body!”

~ an idiot on receiving a death threat

Death goes by different guises in different cultures. To Europeans, he is the Grim Reaper, a scythe-wielding skeleton in black robes. In the Bible, he is depicted as a pale figure on a pale horse. To the Hindus, the incarnation of Death is called Yama, and rides a black buffalo. To the Creatures of the Moon, it is a an asteroid collision. However, it is widely accepted that death actually is a blue screen. I like to imagine him as being a Frankenstein monster riding a flaming Harley while carrying a machine gun in one hand and a boombox playing AC/DC songs in the other. That'd be so awesome. Death took a holiday during 442-443^[1], as a consequence he had to send in some plagues a little bit later. This was widely accepted as proper work.

Contents 1 Background 2 Personal Life 3 Dealing with Death 4 Famous Last Words 5 World's Leading Causes of Death 6 Having a Funeral 7 Life After Death 8 See also 9 Footnotes 10 External Links

[edit] Background

WE ARE ALL DOOMED TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!

Death (known as 'Evy' to her friends) first got her job 666 years ago. God walks up to Death and he's all like, "Hey, I got a job I need someone to do. You doing anything right now?" And death is like, "Dude, you just willed me into existence like a second ago. So like, obviously not." God goes, "OK, great. See, we've got this little problem..." and he explains all about Eve, and the snake, and the apple and how now everything has to die. Death thinks man, this is kind of extreme... if you don't want people grabbing your fruit, just put it in a fruit bowl in your kitchen like a normal person. But hey, who's gonna argue with God? Death was then given the ability to reward or punish the living. She was given the power to know what all people are doing, all the time. And she was given the power to travel rapidly across the world to do her work, visiting every house in the world in one evening if she has to. So when you think about it, Death is sorta like Santa... only that she doesn't do it to sniff little girl's panties in the night.

Originally, Death didn't have a scythe. This was because it was still Stone Age times and they didn't have any metal tools. So she had to make do the available technology, and she would carry a pointy stick, or a big rock, and she wore the skin of a black bear. In the Middle Ages, Death took on her familiar scythe-and-cloak appearance. After a few hundred years, Death got sick of wearing a black snuggie all the time. After consulting her BFF Sailor Jupiter, she decided to wear a little black dress so she could have a flawless transition from tearing souls from people's bodies during the day to tearing up the dance floor with the Jesus Christ at the club. These days, Death likes to wear a black raincoat and carries a weed-whacker. She still like minidresses, though. They're hawt. In the future, she will wear a tuxedo and carry a gun.

Death has gone on record saying her favourite food is Chocolate-Covered Ants, however new sources say that it may be Tubby Custard

[edit] Personal Life

Death enjoys golf, baseball, dark clothing, warm cups of tea, stabbing everyone and everything, reading novels by Stephen King, farting on men's erections, ballet, long walks on the beach, poking other dead things with sticks, shopping, listening to SlipKnoT, playing with her dog Cerberus, spending time with Alah, and ripping the souls of the living from the coils of their rapidly cooling flesh. Although sometimes confused with goths and emo kids, Death simply wears black because it is both slimming on all figures and hides the stains well (which her work involves a lot of), and actually prefers listening to old-school country and '80s music. Death is also a cosplayer, and with her buddies, will dress up as the Soul Society.

Personal likes of Death include cigarettes, NASCAR (mostly she likes to watch the crashes), funerals, nightclubs, highly communicable diseases, russian roulette AND RIPPING OUT YOUR SOUL WITH HER BARE HANDS. Things Death dislikes include peace treaties, vaccines, bouncers that won't let her in, seatbelts and looking both ways before crossing the street.

[edit] Dealing with Death

Although Death's entire purpose is to reap the souls of the living, she must closely follow the rules laid down for the afterlife. So in terms of alignment, she's lawful evil. This means that it is possible to bargain with Death. Death is partial to games- she loves nothing more than a good game, so if you find yourself face to face with the Reaper, it may be possible to offer to play against her for your life. Traditionally, this has meant a game of chess or a card game. These days, Death is into Halo, and many a poor noob has gambled with his life, only to be pwned by Death's wicked Halo skills.

1. You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
2. You can call dibs on their colour TV.
3. You can then play with your new stuff.
4. One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
5. They will have no children, so the little pricks won't disturb your peace.
6. They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
7. They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
8. You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
9. There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
10. Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
11. If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
12. No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing his/her wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
13. Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
14. If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs
15. If you're in a war and all you your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!
16. You could be their long lost nephew and they probably might have been your millionaire uncle and you could inherit thier money. But in order to do so you would have to spend 30 million in 30 days in order to get the money with a set list of guidlines to follow resulting in hilarious shenanigans, and probably resulting in a film based on this venture co-starring john candy.
17. You will have yet another excuse to whine about on Facebook, Twitter, etc.
18. If the person died by old age, instantly run to buy a lottery ticket. Your Chances of winning might increase by 250%.

[edit] Famous Last Words

“ I push this button and...”

~ Bill Gates

“ Don't worry, I won't fall.”

~ Icharus

“ It tastes like chicken.”

~ Zach Tyler

“ You point it this way, right?”

~ Aldolf Hitler

“ Hey look, a deer. Get it Bill!”

~ Dick Cheney's hunting buddy

“ 10 seconds. heck, I only need 5.”

~ Houdini

“ Don't worry. It's only a myth that bulls like red.”

~ Rodeo Clown

“ two plus two equals four point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one. ”

~ Hal

“ Go away, I'm all right.”

~ H. G. Wells

“ SUCCESS! I finally did it. A light bulb filament that won't combust.”

~ Thomas Edison

“ He did say to make a left here, right?.”

~ Flight 93 pilot

“ Don't worry, it's not loaded...”

~ Rocker Terry Kath of the band Chicago

“ I'm ALIVE”

~ Captain Oblivious

“ I'm NOT”

~ Captain Obvious

“ Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“ Convertibles are my favorite.”

~ JFK

“ No, I am slane.”

~ Polonius

“ Does this necklace look tight to you?”

~ Saddam Hussien

“ owww!!!”

~ Micheal Jackson

“ Billy Mays here with the DingKing”

~ Billy Mays

“ I told you violence kills”

~ Gandhi

“ I have a dream”

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

“ It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood”

~ Mr. Rogers

“ Death kills you!”

~ Soviet Russian

“ I can lift it.”

~ Chuck Norris

[edit] World's Leading Causes of Death

Having been spooked by death and the uncertainty about existence following it, governments have taken to studying the causes of death. (At first they used witchcraft, and then masturbation, before settling on asking people at funerals how the guest of honor died. Nowadays, they pounce on doctors and guro specialists, and occasionally on each other. Or they look in fortune cookies.)

Source: World Health Organization, 2004, when having fun over beer and marijuana.

[edit] Having a Funeral

After you have died, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" which continues to grow and will only stop when the people are too far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.

A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally not advised as it has been shown that such ceremonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I am sorry that your relative and/or co-worker has died". If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different (evil) religions use. There is a rumour that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.

At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day (29th November 2007) funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastasized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favourite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.

Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.

Sometimes people are willing enough to donate their remains to a monkey named bob. That monkey will then sprinkle the cremated ashes onto some krispy kremes. that way the fat relatives will be able to visit the dead person a few times a week

[edit] Life After Death

Some people believe this happens, some don't, it has been proven by chuck norris that when you die, you become even more awesome than before, and live again, but that was chuck norris, it's different for everyone, Depending on your personality, you could....

1) Spend all of eternity in heaven

2) Be reincarnated as something until you achieve Nirvana (the band?)

3) Become a zombie and eat peoples brains, and then get killed by Will Smith

4) Come back to life as a vampire a REAL garlic fearing vampire (Not a Sparkly Douchebag)

6) Go to hell

[edit] See also

• Top 10 ways to die
• HowTo: Commit The Perfect Murder
• Catrina
• Dead
• Being dead
• The Curious Case of Norris Drabné
• Chuck Norris
• Grue
• Deadliest Warrior

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:5th-century_deaths

[edit] External Links

• The Death Clock will tell you when you're going to die

Group	Cause	Percent  of deaths	Deaths per 100,000 per year
			All	Male	Female
Watching Britney Spears tap dance	Suicide	Laughter	Watching a fat kid falling over and laughing to death	100.00	A lot	Most	Some
Painful	getting a cramp in your brain from thinking too much	29.34	268.8	278.3	259.4
failure	choking on air and dying	524326	643	23465	541.
Hair	Basically having too little of it (most common among hair metal bands of the 80s)	19.12	175.2	185.1	165.1
Natural	Falling from a small tree and landing on your face	12.49	114.4	126.9	101.7
Disease	Super AIDS	9.66	88.5	81.4	95.6
Time Travel	Going back in time and killing yourself	8.66	78.5	71.4	85.6
Stupidity	Being Sat On By A Giant Frog	7.96	73.7	74.8	72.5
UnNatural	Raped by Madonna	6.95	63.7	63.8	63.5
Stupidity (2)	trying to watch a bullet come out of a gun	6.95	63.7	63.5	63.8
A Hero	Wii incident	6.81	62.2	62.2	62.2
An Hero	Being Hit With A Sword By Your Own Party Member In A Tragic Case Of Mistaken Identity, While Using Caps In The Beginning Of Each Word.	6.81	62.2	62.2	62.2
An Hero	Being Beaten to a Pulp By Your Fellow Party Members	6.81	62.2	62.2	62.2
Scary	Giving your wife a "superman" at the wrong time of month	6.81	62.2	62.2	62.2
Friends	Thinking you had any	6.60	61.8	71.1	56.9
Gun Shot	Blown up with up to 6 or 7 other people in a bazooka explosion	6.34	55.8	63.3	55.8
Natural	Snakes on a Plane	6.23	57.0	73.7	40.2
Old Age	Living over 9000 years or losing your marbles, or both. (everyone always die another way)	0	0	0	0
War	Call of Duty	4.87	44.6	46.2	45.0
Torture	Listening to a 47-minute version of Freebird in the key of G by Deep South Death Metal band called Racehorse Piss.	4.56	44.2	46.1	44.7
Foolishness	Being a Dirty Rotten Snitch	4.56	44.2	46.1	44.7
War	Saddam's non-existent weapons of mass destruction	100 (himself)	0	0	0
Hunting	Going hunting with your drunk friend and with Dick Cheney.	8.37	45.6	50.0	12.2
Pesticides	Stubbing your toe.	2.64	22.2	78.0	2.5
Wands	Accidentally casting magic while drunk. (For Instance Voldemort)	2.64	22.2	78.5	2.0
Suicide	Like when two big guys walk up to you in a prison shower.	2.0	2.00	2.00	2.00
Screwing up	Especially when you were told not to screw up.	1.00	1.00	1.00	1.00
Money/An Hero	Making stupid loans and starving as result	0.64	12.2	0.5	0.7
Torture	Listening to any High School Musical soundtrack, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers (or anything else dubbed by 4kids (such as Adolf Hitler)) causes people to commit suicide	100	100	100	100
Chuck Norris	Living	All that will and has been	100,001	Infinity	Infinity

The author of this article appears to have died. However someone finished it.