Did You Know

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...that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?

...that there are more germs on your keyboard than there are atoms in the rest of the universe?

...that the square root of computer graphics is a pixel?

...that Uncyclopedia contains factual information about every topic in the universe except Euroipods?

...that you... Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid. You agree to license submissions under CC-BY-NC-SA 2.0.

...that the "About Vassar" page from the Vassar College website lists 34 different statistics? 24 of them are absolute values and roughly 32% are either ratios or percentages.

...that if you find Snakes On A Plane, the best thing to do is to not move?

...that the Internet is a series of tubes?

...that this website may contain words, or traces of words?

...that Mr. Tambourine Man won't take another Bob Dylan request?

...that in 1983 a short, brown haired man named Tom read the dictionary to check for spelling mistakes, and upon finding a word he believed to be misspelt he consulted his dictionary, only to find that the word was spelt correctly?

...that the Internet is a series of tubes?

...that volupturous mangoes, complete with fetid Madagascar-finders should, with some butter icing, create a delightful cheescake-shaped meal of considerable cheesiness?

...that Uncyclopedia is the worst? It is a total piece of junk.

...that MySpace is not real life?

...that if you pick up the phone booth, you die?

...that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA

...that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?

...that the average male under 30 thinks about sex on average every 9 seconds and that the average person over 50 thinks about outliving their retirement income on average every 5 seconds?

...that the more you run over a dead cat the flatter it gets?

...that the day of the storm is not the time for thatching?

...that spontaneous human combustion is God's way of saying "Cool it, hotshot!"?

...that Methodists can only listen to the Wu Tang Clan?

...that Dodongo dislikes smoke, yet has no qualms with crack cocaine?

...that censorship is a tactic practiced by oppressive governments who believe in upholding an arbitrary social standard for the so-called "good of the people" while simultaneously imposing their peremptory moral values on their unwilling populace by dictating what is and what is not necessary for them to experience?

...that the theory that amputation of the left leg is a cure for the common cold is not widely accepted in medical circles?

...that there was never actually a man from Nantucket?

...that if more societies burned environmentalists instead of coal, CO2 emissions could be cut by up to 40%?

...that 99% of heroin users started out on milk?

... that almost every ellipsis is followed by the word "that"?

...that due to international copyright laws, U Can't Touch This?

...thatthat ifif youyou werewere wearingwearing 3D3D glassesglasses rightright now,now, thisthis sentencesentence wouldwould knockknock youyou unconscious?unconscious?

...that the U.S. Government invented l33t for use in printing license plates on its cars to track which department they belonged to? Thus, a common plate for a Postal Serice-owned car reads "P05741", a CIA-owned vehicle reads "5PY0NU", and an IRS-owned vehicle reads "74X35-D347H".

...that zebras don't have stripes, and every single picture you've seen of them has been Photoshopped?

...that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?

...that there is no other word for thesaurus?

...The world’s only vending machine vending machine is in Kathmandu?

...that the gorilla in King Kong was real, but Jack Black was created with CGI?

...that it was Colonel Mustard in the Billiard Room with Your Mom?

- ...and the lead pipe?

...that the Holocaust is a controversial but hilarious subject?

... that the Google Adverts here are sometimes funnier than the stories? Why not click one!

... that Diet Santa dresses in white, has no beard and very few teeth?

...that the phrase "Did You Know" is copyrighted by Scholastic Publishing and this website is currently being sued for unauthorised use?

...that, following Greenpeace protests, it was made illegal to eat cheese taken from the moon?

... that Billy Bob Thornton knows what you did last summer?

... that this is not a pipe?

...that until "The Great Orange Movement of 1921" Cheetos were Lime-Green?

...that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

...that instead of eating or drinking, Mr. T absorbs the crushed self-esteem of the fools he has pitied?

...that using the wrong kind of feces in your Poop Cuisine can lead to a metallic aftertaste?

...that the external combustion engine is over 300% more efficient than its internal counterpart?

...that 2006 is the year of the Bonsai Kitten? (pictured)

...that Jesus can walk on water?

...that your love is my love?

...that no one loves you not?

...that Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dick?

...that I give a shit only after taking laxatives?

- ...that chocolate-flavoured Ex-Lax works splendidly?

...that there are, in fact, several wrong ways to eat a Reese's?

...that a bird in hand is better than crabs in your bush?

...that I.C. York-Hunt looks just like Mike Hunt?

- ...that I.C. York-Hunt and raise you one Hugh G. Rection?

...that Mr. Wizard is a liar?

...that Gerry Adams IS the Lord of the Dance? (pictured)

...that oldthinkers unbellyfeel Unped?

...that Wikped doubleplusungood crimethink?

...that James Bond fought for our freedom on numerous occasions, yet not one single day is set aside in his honour?

...that the shampoo adverts were lying; you are in fact not worth it?

...that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

...that people in New York change careers as often as their underwear?

...that July is National Boycott Websites that Insult Their Contributors Month? See ya in August, asswipe!

...that more than 200,000 people die every year of papercuts?

...that Journey only appears to have eight letters?

...where your children were at 11PM last night?

...that God made children so annoying on purpose so people wouldn't have too many of them?

...that in 1804, Lewis and Clark set forth across America only to discover... themselves?

...that all the evil people in Star Wars have a British accent?

...that Soylent Green is brown?

...that a Pricing Analyst is the world's third oldest profession, right after the whore and the pimp?

...that my other ride is your mom?

...that, according to Steven Tyler, a reason for losing your mind sure can be the fact of going crazy?

...that Elvis assassinated JFK with his partner in crime, the Lindbergh baby? (pictured)

...that your wife is cheating on you with the pool boy?

...that Billy Joel is an accredited driving instructor?

...that the toaster was invented by accident by a piece of bread which attempted to commit suicide?

...that Vincent Van Gogh was the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous?

...that although Gridley Bryant invented many railroad technologies in the 1820s, he never wrote any of the Thomas the Tank Engine books?

...that Beaver College changed its name to Flange College because it "too often misled wildlife conservationists"?

...that in a pinch, hydrogen peroxide can be substituted for alcohol in most cocktails?

...that a coping saw is used to overcome weight loss, alcoholism, and gambling addictions?

...that all trees speak, but only some people hear them?

...that everyone else is generally recognized as the largest and most diverse ethnic majority on Earth?

...that Anti-pesticidal maniacs are responsible for the extinction of on average six species of insect every day?

...that the maximum number of cats you can juggle is fourteen, after which you can juggle no more?

...that the Sun God's gift of cancer is honourable?

...that the construction of the Great Pyramid of Giza was twice halted because the builders ran out of Lego bricks?

...that some species of turtle are remarkably resistant to centrifugal force, and can reach upwards of 5000 rpm before their wee little flippers fall off?

...that Afghanistan's primary export, after hard drugs, is dental floss?

...that Mussolini's favourite film was Land Before Time IV?

...that Tolstoy had to completely rewrite his manuscript for War and Peace when his hard drive crashed?

...that for every sixteen breaths you take, Sting earns a million dollars?

...that due to its evil, Planet Rupert is invisible to anyone who is pure of heart?

...that two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left?

- ...that two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do?

- - ...that four lefts make a circle?

...that at the moment, I'm not wearing any pants?

...that all wooden legs are sold with a kick-stand?

...that a Sponge Bob Square Pants is actually a form of contraceptive?

...that questions end in question marks? Not with periods. Or exclamation points!

...that after Fantasy Island, that guy who yelled "Da plane, da plane!" would return to his native Iraq to serve government official Dr. Asiphus Al Hussein ? (pictured)

...that all your base are belong to us?

... that you have partial custody and may only see your base on weekends?

...that the world is NOT actually your oyster, it belongs to ME - ALL MINE!!

...that Baby Jesus cries every time Limp Bizkit comes out with another album?

...that the flooding of New Orleans was actually caused by a suicide plumber?

...that I just saved 15% on my car insurance by switching to Gecko?

...that most superheroes wish they were working part-time? Quality day-care is hard to find these days.

...that at four o'clock all the honest politicians will shrink down to two feet? (pictured)

...that encoded into the dot of the "i" in the well-known phrase "Tesco - Every Little Helps" is a carefully worded contract binding your soul and all earthly estate to the will of Beelzebub, our Dark Lord and Master?

...that when you play the album 'The Last Tour on Earth' by Marilyn Manson backwards you can actually hear the voice of Jesus spreading the gospel?

...the muffin man?

...that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?

...that WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, and that IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH?

...that I'm the last Prophet of God?

...that Oceania is at war with Eurasia (it has always been at war with Eurasia)?

- ...that the above message is two minutes out of date? Oceania is at war with Eastasia, fool!

...that Phil the mechanic has the keys to my garage?

...that 75% of all Did you knows are made by 12-year-old bed wetters? - Hey shut up man, you're not playing the game. - You shut up! - No you shut up! - Look, all of you just shut up!

...that you have the right to remain silent, and that anything you say can and will be used against you?

...that in the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: The police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders, and that these are their stories, doink doink?

...that you are likely to be eaten by a Grue?

...that you are likely to be eaten by a Gruiform?

...that Jesusland is NOT a theme park?

...that the Romans are currently looking for the one they call Spartacus?
...that I am Spartacus?

...that no, that I am Spartacus?

...that ...... I am Spartacus?

...that only one of these men is the real Spartacus - the other two are impostors. Panel, read along with me, if you will: "I am Spartacus. I was born and raised as a slave. In 73 BC I led a historic slave rebellion against the Roman upper-class. Our battle against the Roman legions, became known as the Third Servile War. Signed Spartacus."

...that my name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius - father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next?

...that my name is Bicus Dicus, and I wank highly in wome?

...that *** You have died ***?

...that you are dead?

...that you were always dead on the inside?

...that when you clap, you're really giving yourself a High Five?

...that if you put a polythene bag around your head, you can stay underwater indefinitely?

...that it's not the cough that carries you off but the coffin they carry you off in?

...that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?

...that the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

...that it was I who let the dogs out?

...that an astremely astonishing asperiment has show that acessive asposure to Strong Bad Zone has an astraordinarily affect on grammar?

...that Andrea True had a 1976 hit with her single Mao, Mao, Mao?

...that I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself?

...that the kingfisher, despite its name, also preys upon queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and other high-ranking members of the nobility?

...that it's beddy-bye time? Only replace "beddy" with ethnic and "bye" with cleansing.

...that four lefts actually make a square?

...that if tea and coffee are mixed together, the resulting substance closely resembles toffee?

...that verb is a noun?

...that this is a recursive interrogative sentence?

...that cookies are a "sometimes" food?

...That the Matrix had you, and then lost you in the sequel?

...that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?

...that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?

...that contrary to popular belief, it actually isn't all in the wrist?

...that in August 10, 1519 Ferdinand Magellan set out to circumsize the globe with a 100 foot clipper?

...that http://www.therapistfinder.com is a great website for finding a therapist in your region?

...that a comatose homosexual is both a fruit and a vegetable?

...that starting up your computer in MS-DOS mode and entering 'del *.*' makes your computer run infinitely faster?

...that I can't write?

...that you can't read?

...that they say that "A hard disk is good to find."?

...that full penetration of the subject of sexual innuendo requires a long, hard look at the target and a strong grasp of linguistic intercourse?

...that this is the funniest page on all of Wikipedia?

...that if you uncoiled the intestines of 200 people and tied them together, they would extend from the Earth to the moon?

...and that William Herschel made use of this fact to engineer the first moon landing of 1910?

...THAT 8.3 IS A COMMON SHORTH~1 FOR THE LIMITS ON FILENAME LENGTH IMPOSED BY THE FAT FILESY~1 USED BY DOS AND VERSIONS OF MICROS~1 WINDOW~1?

...that I left my keys on your mom's nightstand?

...that

horizontal lines

should be used sparingly?

...that yo' momma so fat she got more curves than spacetime in the presence of a large mass?

...and that yo' momma so dumb that when they did the wave at a baseball stadium, she drowned?

... that "this sentence is true" is not true, and neither is this one?

...that 100% of facts on Uncyclopedia are adequately sourced?^{[citation needed]}

...that 100% of facts on Uncyclopedia are adequately sourced?^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

...that eurgs are the antipode to grues?

...and that "antipode" is a very old Latin word meaning "equally nasty little creature"?

..that one equals two?

...and that infinity equals one?

...that all of these Did You Knows are actually rhetorical questions?

...No, I didn't know that.

...that all of these Did You Knows are actually rhetorical questions?

...did you?

...well, did you?

... ANSWER ME!

...that AAAAAAAAA!

...the way to San Jose? Burt Bacharach certainly didn't.

... you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish? Ha ha ha! [Takes gun out - shoots self in head]

...that during the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, more actors were killed than in both World Wars combined?

...that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?

...that this sentence is 50% invisible?

...that the Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish is --as its name suggests-- a fish within a fish within a fish within a fish within another fish?

...that gazebos are very large creatures of legend, some growing as large as small houses?

...that Twilit Parasite Diababa is a giant enemy plant that comfortably resides at the bottom of a dungeon in a pool of acid?

...and that Link must defeat it before it wreaks havoc on the uninhabited dungeon behind its heavily locked door?

...that a pixel is a very tiny winged fairy whose body is constantly surrounded with a square field of colour?

...that when the first explorers came upon the platypus, all but one of then converted to atheism (and not the peaceful kind either)?

...tfel ot thgir morf nettirw si werbeH taht?

...that canned quotes are generally regarded as the best source of humor on Uncyclopedia?

...that I burning your dog?

...that stealing^{Ghelæ's Sig}_{has never been easier?}

...that rocks were first domesticated around the Stone Age, where they were trained to do tedious mind-numbing tasks like breaking other rocks to make rocks for breaking other rocks?

...that Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton (May 25, 1803–January 18, 1873) was an English playwright, novelist, poet, and author of most-high renown, widely honoured and much acclaimed by contemporaries of his age, but also by the adoration of the common man—not simply in celebration of the rare and exceptional nature of his fluid and fertile prose, though that in no small part was highly contributive to the eventual formation of his subsequent legacy amongst the literary giants of the 19th century—but also for his artful and beguiling integration of his blessed endowment in the initiation and furtherence of a rather enviable political career?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

...that Ive got leik a great idea for a comoic its called 'megaman and friends'

...that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?

...that i c-can't find my inhaler?... do you m-maybe know where it is?

...that, honest to God, I am not kidding this time?

...that Internationally accepted SI units include the button (@), a measure of cuteness, and the radiator (Щ), a measure of cosiness?

...rfzx domo,o,jkhrdhyt hnjm e45sm b vn jy b?

...that if cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl?

...that 640K ought to be enough for anybody?

...that Nazi science sneers at content-free encyclopedias?

...that the setting of Dinosaur Comics is a post-apocalyptic dystopia, in which war, disease, and environmental disaster have reduced nearly everything to a white, featureless plain?

...that both the Grue King and the Ur-Grue are dead, thanks to your 1337 skillz (and a shadowy figure, but more on that later)?

...that this is The Song That Never Ends?

...that it just goes on and on, my friends?

...that some people started singing it not knowing what it was?

...that they'll continue singing it forever just because this is The Song That Never Ends?

...that air guitars are similar in shape to normal guitars, with the notable difference that they are made entirely out of air?

...that in psychology, Deja-vu (French for Deja vu) is the feeling that one has lived through something before?

...that Andrea True had a 1976 hit with her single Mao, Mao, Mao?

...that in psychology, Deja-vu (French for Deja vu) is the feeling that one has lived through something before?

...that the hills actually have no eyes?

...that the walls actually have no ears?

...that the hills are alive with the sound of music?

...that if you stop singing, you're commiting murder?

... that you have you have 10 minutes to move your car?

... that you have 5 minutes to move your car?

... that your car has been impounded?

.... that your car has been crushed into a cube?

... that you have 10 minutes to move your cube?

... that Gerrymander evolves into Gerrymeleon?

...and finally into Gerryzard?

... that every erection has an equal but opposite re-rection?

... that lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, suspendisse vulputate?

... that curiousity killed the cat?

...no, 'twas beauty killed the cat?

... that the word italic is derogatory to italians?

...that it originally referred to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

...that when it says 'Do not try at home', it actually means 'Do not try this at all'?

... that, due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been canceled?

...that my penis has its own I Pee address? Ha ha ha! [Takes gun out - shoots self in head]

...that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man?

...that withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?

...that the reason the government does not ban it is because of the tax money it gets from the food industry?

...that your husband isn't really taking tennis classes every Sunday?

...that this article or section does not adequately cite its references or sources?
...and that you can improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources? (help, get involved, you pussy!) This article has been tagged; now it's "it".

...that, even though it is stated that the people performing this stunt are professionals, only 1.5% of them have graduated from college?

...that slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe?

...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?

...that if you uncoiled the intestines of 200 people and tied them together, you would have 200 dead people and a bunch of useless skin in coil? (What the hell were you thinking?)

...that in one of the most heavily aired TV specials of all time, Link participated in a two hour long debate with Half Life alumni Gordon Freeman, defending video game characters' rights to silence? The debate was considered inconclusive and was witheld indefinitely since neither side could speak.

...that they have the nerve to put me into this funny farm, then force me to stay? I'll show them! I'll show them all! Mheh mheh mheh!

... that every time you stifle a sneeze, the force of the sneeze cannot simply disappear from existence? It must manifest elsewhere, often causing a small creature to explode or a chef’s hat to fly off into the air!
... that reading your mama's diary increases your risk of death?

...that the glass is never half full? This is partly because the volume-to-density ratio and the surface tension matrices are mutually exclusive, and partly because I hate you all.

...that crutches are like funny anecdotes, while wheelchairs are like sad stories?

ellipsis that all of the punctuation in this DYK is spelled out comma which is really comma really annoying question mark

...that Spoonerisms are honey as fell?

...that if I were a rich man, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!?

...that those little packets found in a shoe box that say "do not eat" are in fact very tasty?

...that death is but a doorway?

...that time is but a window?

...that I'll be back?

...that comedy equals tragedy plus time?

...that comedy also equals nitrous oxide plus anything?

...that in Soviet Russia, people know when a joke has run its course?

....that in both reverse and in ROT13, Gert would become Treg?

...that a Canadian who doesn't play hockey is like an American who doesn't stereotype people from other countries?

...that pimping is just like marriage?

...just without the marriage?

...and with more STDs?

...that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins?

... but all of them are Star Trek geeks?

...that heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible?

...that I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year?

...that airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value?

...that I work for Fark.com, so I am really getting a kick out of most of these replies?

...that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!

...that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?

...that a complete list of Did You Knows can be found here?

...that walking backwards makes you gain weight?

...that Uncyclopedia is the truth^{[citation needed]} and therefore everything on Uncyclopedia is cited and 100% true?^{[citation needed]}

...that "Pokémon: Invisible Version" was released for blind people?

...that this is only a preview; changes have not yet been saved?

...that 'en passant' is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"

...that Bode Miller's drunken attempt to ski back up a mountain was the inspiration for the Drunk Olympics?

...that this is Sparta?

...that we are the knights who... oh God, I'm so sorry. So sorry, the car just came too fast and she was right there and so much I ran to help didn't know what she wasn't moving I'm so sorry ... so sorry.

...anyway, yeah, knights who say "Ni."

...that the current world record for solving a 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube is the shortest possible instant of time?

...that if you saw every combination of the 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube, at a rate of one per second, it would take you less than ONE SECOND to see all the combinations?

...that theoretically the longest path to solving the 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube is in as many as FIVE twists? So far no one has succeeded in demonstrating this method.

...that some people can solve the 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube in ZERO moves, from any scrambled position? Crazy, huh?

...that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?

...that it was a match with Jackson Pollock that actually drove Bobby Fischer insane? After only 6 moves, Fischer began frothing at the mouth and twitching uncontrollably, like a rabid, frothing vibrator. Pollock was declared winner by default.

...that you're not allowed to say Shalom in a bathroom (and this is true, I'm not being stupid for the hell of it) because Shalom is also one of the names of this big beardy dude who lives upstairs, who a lot of Hebrew speakers know, and many of them are a bit scared by him?

...that the Bavarian Illuminati used That's what she said as a secret code? No one knows exactly which she they were referring to, as they were a very sexist organization and had vowed collectively forsake the female species. Go figure.

...that Hollywood has only actually filmed one chase scene, and they simply reuse it over and over?

...that when you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do?

...that in the last 5 minutes, 20 movies were made about penguins?

...that according to The Gruesome Book of Grues, Gill Bates obtained Supreme Commander status by challenging Deep Grue to a Mortal Kombat match, and then switched off Deep Grue's power supply while it was distracted?

...that it is rumored that in some deep abyss in the earth is a Grue-like beast far more powerful than both the Grue King and the Supreme Commanders, called the "Ur-Grue" - a near-invulnerable Grue infused with the soul of a mighty, long-forgotten sorcerer, capable of concealing itself in impenetrable magical darkness?

...that Captain Obvious tends to regularly state the obvious?

...that Peer sucks?

...* KingK Quit (Read error: Connection reset by peer)

...that half a bee (philosophically) must ipso-facto half not be?

...But half the bee has got to be vis-a-vee its entity?

...But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee when half the bee is not a bee due to some ancient injury?

...that paint is a colored substance which is liquid or liquifiable and can add funtionality, decorate, or guard a substrate, and usually include fillers bought from the People's Republic of China in which relatively young slaves work to fill their days quota of paint filler, and get a low payment rate yet a high work hour rate, which hurts the economy of China and the United States of America by reducing the cost but also the value of certain products, which leads to global warming, which will lead to Florida melting off America to "chill" with Hawaii, which will lead to Florida suing Hawaii for existing, which will lead to Hawaii being rejected as a state, which will lead to a shortage of pineapples, which will lead to a liberal suing the world for damages, which will eventually lead to him winning, which will lead him to let the earth be eaten by a grue?

...that it is better to have loved and lost than to find yourself living with a psycho for the rest of your life?

...that you don't actually eat Reader's Digest?

...that 99% of YouTube isn't even about you?

...that Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo?

...that an anime is a chemical compound that contains the anime group, which consists of one oxygen atom, one tantalum atom, one potassium atom, and one uranium atom, with a total charge of negative one (OTaKU^-)?

...that in space, deaf people can't hear themselves scream?

...that he who smelt it, dealt it?

...that he who denied it, supplied it?

...that he who said the rhyme, did the crime?

... that Bill Nye is standing behind you about to scream, "Now you know!"?

... that tinfoil hats actually amplify the secret government broadcasts?

...that for the purposes of espionage, a nod is not actually as good as a wink? A recent study showed a 24% higher fatality rate among spies using the nod to communicate covertly, as opposed to their winking counterparts.

... that the devil is only 80% evil?

...that a stitch in time saves nine - but condemns a further 81 to eternal damnation?

...that Curiosity is serving a gaol sentence for cruelty to animals?

...that Jesus liked to swear?

...that he who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not get clawed to death and eaten?

...that when you gaze long into an abyss, you may suffer from vertigo?

...that *** You have died ***?

...that since you forgot to save, you have to start all over again?

...that throwing your computer through the wall will most likely do nothing to remedy this?

...that there is nothing you can do to remedy this, since you can't do anything - You're dead?

...that 1 + 1 = 3 if you don't wear a condom?

...that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?

...that if you look carefully during the opening sequence of Disneyland's Star Tours, you can catch a glimpse of Walt Disney frozen in carbonite?

...that two wrongs don't make a right, but making excruciatingly bad puns about the words "left", "right", and "wrong" do?

...that “If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine?”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi

...that “If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine?”
~ Jesus

...that “If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine?”
~ Che Guevara

...that “If you strike me down I shall become more dead than you can ever imagine?”
~ Captain Obvious

...that if your parents do not have any children, there is a 100% chance that you won't have any either?

...that drinking and deriving is dangerous?

...that Abraham Lincoln was born and raised in a log cabin he built himself?

...that Leonard Bernstein was the first fictional cartoon bear to conduct the New York Philharmonic in Carnegie Hall, as well as the first fictional cartoon bear to maul displeased members of the audience afterwards?

...that narcolepsy can strike at any ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

...that two wrongs don't make a right, but one Wright can make a city? Ha ha ha! [Takes gun out - shoots self in head]

...that multiple sclerosis isn't as much fun as it sounds?

...that he who laughs last will probably be an evil maniac with his finger on a large red button?

...that you can produce holy water by boiling the hell out of it?

...that Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band would get more girls if they didn't wear those fruity outfits?

...that swallowing your own head can be harmful to your digestive system?

...that if all the Chinese people in the world jumped at exactly the same time, a whole lot of people would be jumping?

...that a fat emo is morbidly obese?

...that when the Google Earth map photos were being taken, every cloud in the world was sucked inside a giant vacuum cleaner for a day?

... that Uncyclopedia doesn't have an article on Moral Responsibility?

...that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

... that the back of your back is your chest?

...that to be Frank, I'd have to change my name?

...that bias is a the perfect replacement for humor?

...that Jesus dies on page 681?

...that before you can read the Bureaucracy article, you must first fill out the required form UN-4895-8473-89534-7?

...that Harry dies on page 1?

...that I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each?

...that I do not think that they will sing to me?

...that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?

...that 7 out of 10 Uncyclopedians believe their own submissions are somehow humorous?

...that the eleventh secret herb and spice is LSD?

... that every dead body that is not exterminated becomes one of them?

... that it gets up and kills?

... and the people it kills get up and kill?

... and THOSE people start dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller?

...that, because of the startling success of Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky decided to follow it with a sequel that became known as Law and Order?

...that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"

...that no one is out to get you? (Unless you count trying to: ruin your career, steal your wife, and cause your death!)

...that while love is stronger than hate, both are actually weaker than vinegar?

...that the only phrase that would not make a great name for a rock band is "Closed for the Summer"?

...that licking car batteries isn't as much fun as it looks?

...that violence is not the answer?

...but it gives you time while you figure out the answer.
...but it's a lot of fun.
...but it brings up plenty of new and interesting questions.
...unless your question is "What sells a PG-13 film?"
...I just got it wrong on purpose?

...that the paint thinner ought to hold them until I get back with some fresh kegs?

...that in 1862, Charles Darwin was convicted of the manslaughter of God after publishing his theory of evolution?

...that sometimes I wish I had the guts to tell my stepdad how I actually felt about that time where he kicked the cat? At the time I laughed but... well... I suppose that this isn't anything to do with you. I'm sorry.

...that before it went decimal, British currency was based on LSD?

...that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?

...that, contrary to popular belief, no recipes in The Joy of Cooking start with "Put two penguins in a blender?"

...that, according to Dr. Seuss, fed-up fish fight ferociously?

...that according to science, something is twenty times more likely to sell well if it's perceived as clever? This has been attributed at various points in history to the fact that people suck, the fact that ignorance is strength, or the fact that science usually says stuff that makes no practical sense. Since many a comedy have flopped despite being clever, we're currently going with the third reason until science comes up with a better one.

...that an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are kicking my ass right now for telling those jokes about them?

...that Schrödinger's Cat is currently: not alive?

...that one person can change the world?

...but the admins will probably just revert it?

...that the first Rule of Thumb is: you do not talk about Thumb?

...that you already know the third thing about Uncyclopedia, so we won't repeat it?

...that this sentence no verb?

...that once you've seen it, you can't unsee it?

...that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

...that "Lulz" is a corruption of LOL, which means "laugh out loud"?

...that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?

...that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!

...that The Matrix was marketed with the tagline Life is a program, humans are a glitch and we're all heading for debuggery?

...that intestinal parasites can't be claimed as dependents on your federal income tax return?

...that Uncyclopedia is so funny I forgot to laugh?

...that Hyrule is the natural habitat of the morning deku?

...that Marcel Marceau's final words were spoken at age 7?

...that Occam's Razor uses a single blade? (It's much simpler that way!)

...that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?

...that intestinal parasites CAN'T be claimed as dependents on your federal income tax return?

...that the average person continues living for 30 minutes after death?

...that that guy who reads in public is not actually reading? He just hopes a hot chick will approach him to talk about the book.

...that successful suicide bombers never target the same place twice?

...that the daily eviction of demons is good exorcise?

...that the Earth is bipolar?

...that if you combine the Red Menace with the Yellow Peril you get Ronald McDonald Orange?

...that, in a pinch, anthrax can be substituted for cocaine?

...that Centurion Obviosius I created the Law of Conservation of Duh in 177 A.D.?

...that all Chuck Norris Facts are just Kim Jong-Il Facts that escaped across the North Korean border?

...that the Uncyclopedia article "An article that contains nothing but a full stop" has just had its 500th edit?

...that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?

...that Jumanji was actually based on a game of Mornington Crescent gone horribly wrong?

... that sharks can't stop swimming, or they'll die?

...Yeah, you probably did. Most people know about that.

...that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?

... that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? Scientists have calculated that, given the immense number of bells rung worldwide, on a daily basis, there are probably vast, jumbo numbers of angels, and if we ever go to war with the angels, we will be massively outnumbered. Also, most of them can fly, because we kept ringing those goddamn bells all the time.

...that germs originated from Germany?

...that ten-year-olds are responsible for fact-checking Uncyclopedia?

...that inside Morrissey there are several happy people struggling to get out?

...that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?

... that Benito Mussolini ("Il Douche") was so unliked that the people of Italy executed him 37 times?

...that snow is what happens when angels are sucked into jet engines?

...that section T, sub-section LZ45, amendment K4.6 in the Official Chess Rulebook allows you to throw a tantrum, scatter all of the pieces and to claim that your opponent was cheating the entire time if you lose?

...that after 44 minutes of play, Queens are allowed to teleport?

...that screaming "UNO!" at the top of your lungs after every single turn of Uno will greatly increase your chances of winning?

...that the safest place to store your most important files is the Internet?

...that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?

...that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?

...that basketballer Charles Barkley was born on February 20, 1963 at the age of 44?

... that Wales is merely a figment of England's imagination?

... that when cockroaches invent radiation suits, they'll become immortal?

...that if you stick a pen down your sleeve, you meet the DOHS definition of an armed enemy combatant?

... that Scotsmen who live over the age-expectancy of 76 run the risk of choking on their own accent?

...that 'twas I who invented the light bulb; that ninny Edison, to whom I loaned the blasted thing, went and claimed it as his own, and never shared a dime with me - never?

...that when there is news of a Google Earth helicopter flying over a town, there is a sevenfold increase in appearances of giant inflatable Cookie Monsters in said town?

...who took the cookie from the cookie jar?

...that in Nazi Germany, cats say "SIEG HEIL" instead of "meow"?

...that the 24 Hours of LeMons includes such penalties as tarring and feathering a racer's car and crushing a car via audience vote?

...that American entrepreneur Timothy Dexter defied the popular idiom and actually made a profit when he sold coal to Newcastle?

...that six latrines at Black Moshannon State Park in Pennsylvania are listed on the National Register of Historic Places?

...that Ben Affleck died while shoveling snow outside of his house, leaving behind an unexpectedly small estate speculated to be worth as little as US$20,000?

...that men are able to be insured against alien impregnation?

...that in a few villages and towns of southern France and Spain it is illegal to die, and that there are attempts to have the same law in a town in Brazil?

...that in 1976, people reported feeling a floating sensation as they jumped in the air, caused by a Wikipedia:Jovian-Plutonian gravitational effect?

..that Wiener sausages are named after the mathematician Norbert Wiener?

...that the World Snail Racing Championships were held annually for over 40 years, with only the 2007 event cancelled due to inclement weather?

...that James Garner sent two of his associates into a room filled with toxic chlorine gas?

...that the common woodchuck (Marmota monax) can chuck up to 75 kg of wood per day?

...that he who laughs last thinks slowest?

...that in case of emergency, Your Mom can be used as a floation device?!

...Dude, that doesn't even make sense. Stop trying.

...that flipping the finger is a valid solution to the travelling salesman problem?

...that in an A-level music exam, all you have to do is listen to Led Zeppelin and write about how cool they are?

...that the capital of China is C?

...that an infinitely long train never stops arriving at the station, but also never stops leaving?

...that when you turn 60 you will immediately begin to emit the 'old people smell', no matter how hard you scrub?

...that U2's lawyer works Pro Bono?

...that there is a school of art called postpostmodernism?

...that in order to shoot a gun, you simply point, remove the safety, and pull the trig...Oh, shit. Oh, shit, I am so sorry. Seriously. I didn't realise it was loaded. Are you there? Hot damn, that's a lot of blood. Someone call a medic!

…that the record for most transferals of a single piece of chewing gum between two kissing mouths is 419 times?

…that the average delivery time for bottled messages cast into the ocean is 91 years?

…that apart from bees, the only other animal which has been “africanized” is the Bolivian Motivated Sloth?

...that when Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the light on, he turns the dark off?

...that embargo backwards is 'o grab me'?

...that candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker?

...that, as of late, I have been perturbed nearly to the brink of madness by an acute, stinging pain manifesting itself about by scrotal region, and was hoping that I might beseech of you to prescribe for me a sort of ointment, or something of the like, with which to alleviate my aforementioned ailment, which, to this very moment, continues to inflict unrelenting discomfort upon my frail jewels?

...that putting #REDIRECT [[Hey, what's this?]] at the top of pages blocks the "noob cookie" assigned to all new users and their pages?

...that what REALLY happened was that JFK faked his own death, but there was a bullet in the rifle, kinda like what happened to Bruce Lee's son, so half of JFK's skull was blown out, but Aristotle Onassis shipped him to Lesbos to recover surrounded by beautiful lesbians, marrying Jackie as a cover, but it all failed when Lyndon Johnson's henchmen eliminated JFK in 1972, so the Warren Commission really is bullshit?

...that Oliver Stone has the right to use the above plot for a cheap political thriller in future?

...that, due to the 2008 Financial Crisis, the strongest world currency is now the tulip bulb, currently valued at five ships, 120 oxen, and 200 cows?

Did You Know

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