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Alright, Sally, take a letter. . .
Er... Dictation is the process of writing words that other people say down. No, dictation is when you write down what other people say. It has a long and fascinating history. Um, it started... when did it start, Sally?... yeah, I'm not too sure either. How about you look into that and add it in later? Great.
So start a new section... I don't know... just make up a title.
I Hate my Job
Dictation is used nowadays by people that are too
busy lazy to write their own important documents such as letters, uncyclopedia articles, wedding invitations and theses. Not only does it save time, but it also employs the less financially secure members of society. The ones who waste on their money on glue and slot machines and never accomplish anything.
This grape is not entirely peeled, Sally! Are you trying to make me choke to death? what in God's name were you thinking? Or perhaps you weren't thinking at all, were you Sally? Hmmmmm? No? I thought not. Where was I? Oh yes, dictation provides valuable employment opportunities.
Oh I should say something about office girls, eh Sally? Write something like office girls are often given these kind of jobs. They do them excellently but have trouble with some of the big words. Oh no, I'm kidding about the big words bit, don't write that down. I'm so tense, Sally. Perhaps you could rub my feet for a while? Yeah that's the stuff. Right. Where were we?
Care should be taken when dictating, as nobody likes a sloppy dictator. . . Are you sure that sounds ok, Sally? Ok, make up another section title about shorthand. Yes, I know the article is meant to be about dictation, Sally. Yep, so make up a title about shorthand. There's a good girl.
Ahem. Shorthand occurs when there aren't enough office girls around to make coffee and take memos. . . Oh, no? You took shorthand in school? Ok, well can you fill it in for me, Sally? I need this report on dictation for the board tomorrow morning. Could you just put it on the Boss's desk as soon as you're done? That's a good broad. I'm gonna head over to Morty's for lunch, be back about 3:30 or so. And don't spend all afternoon filing your nails Sally, some people here work for a living.
Regional Manager John R. Deggermann
Mr. Deggermann is a poltroon who takes 5 hour lunch breaks on his expense account, sexually harasses the female staff, and claims others' work as his own, while accomplishing nothing. His computer is full of games and internet porn, we all know his wife left him and took all the furniture, at home he sleeps in a bath half full of his own stale urine, everyday he comes in looking like he's spent the night sleeping in a dumpster, and throws up all over the keyboard. He filled his water cooler full of whiskey, and has liquor bottles stashed in seventeen places around the office. The entire secretarial pool is on the verge of quitting, en masse, if this lazy loser is not fired soon.
What's this Sally? Did you type all these big words yourself? How clever. Ah how are you, Deggerman? You old nazi, yes of course my report's ready, Sally here's just finished typing it. Yes she is very clever, aren't you, Sally? Sally knows words with four syllables in them! I can't believe it either. She must have absorbed some of my brilliance. It's nice to see her actually working for a change. Speaking of which, did you see that new tie Winslow's wearing? God it's vile, and his presentation yesterday, boring fuck I nearly passed out. What's that? Don't interrupt, Sally, the grown-ups are talking. I don't care who's just arrived, Sally, I'm... Oh sorry, Mr Winslow, didn't see you there, I was busy working, very very hard... not like some of us... Yes, yeah, Sally.
Oh thank you, sir. Yes, yes I do deserve a bonus, don't I? Well of course it's a good idea to pay for it using the secreteries wages. They won't mind, you don't mind do you, Sally? After all it's not like they can count, they won't know the difference...
And while you're here can I just say, that really was an excellent speech yesterday, and that’s a very nice tie you’re wearing, is it new? Thought so, it looks great. In fact could I get a photo of that? That’s excellent, that’s a bloody good photo, one for the album. I’ll burn all those tedious pictures of my wife and put this one in, I mean why look at her deformed features when I’ve got a photo with you, and your smooth skin in it. In fact if it’s alright with you, I’ll carry a copy of it with me in my wallet, next to my heart. I mean I used to have this photo of my children but that’s a piece of crap, it doesn’t mean anything, not compared to this tie....
It’s a bloody good tie. If I wanted to that’s a tie I could quite happily hang myself with, and have no reason to complain afterwards. None at all. Not that I’d be in any position to complain, as a corpse. I wouldn’t be particularly inclined to comment on anything. Although obviously I’d still turn up for work, I don’t want you to think I lack commitment. Well anyway the speech really was very good, well done. For a moment I actually thought I was listening to Jesus, honestly or even Lenin. In fact I enjoyed it so much I got you these flowers, just to show my appreciation. Aren’t they nice? Not as nice as you, but close. Oh, leaving already, Mr. Winslow? Well goodbye.
Thanks a lot, Sally, that creepy face of yours has scared him off. God, you're ugly... oh, just take a new section!
You're a Pompous Ass
All right, Sally, make sure you take every word I say... all right, start...now.
Dictation is used by
a lot of many who wish to give the look... no, no... ah, appearance! Erm, the appearance of literacy in formal notes documents.
In conclusion... no, no, too wordy... no, just begin a new sentence! God, do I have to put up with you, you horsefaced broad?
A-hem... In short, dictation is a
form method used for all uses purposes, and should be readily accessible to everyone all.
There, now, Sally, let's see what you have... dear God, what have you done? You horsefaced bitch, you're mocking me! Fuck off, and get out of my office! GET OUT!
How do you delete this bloody thing... and STOP TYPING