From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The city's official logo
The city flag of Detroit
|Motto: "Detroit: We hope you survive.”|
|Official nickname||Ditroytizzle, Dicktroit, and Detroilet|
|Official language(s)||Ebonics, Spanish|
|Currency||McBucks, drug paraphernalia|
Detroit (AKA: Ditroytizzle, Ebonics for 'craphole') is a major metropolitan city and the Motown county seat. The city’s population is slightly less than one million according to the latest census. The city boasts the largest gangbanger population in the world.
Detroit is the world's city. People get up and go to church. Yet, they just seem to come back. However, everything has gotten better since the world renowned Ronald McDonald, purchased the city for 100,000,000 McBucks (roughly equivalent to $2 USD).
Detroit was founded in 1815 by Explorer Antoine Seville Catera Cadillac, who named the area the Magnetorgasim gorsk Autonomous Oblast after his grandmother. Originally an outpost for trading iguana pelts, the city expanded quickly with the discovery of massive rock cocaine mines underneath the city. The resulting explosion of obesity created a need for personal transport, hastening the invention of the automobile by the famous crossdresser Karl “Mercedes” Benz in 1885. The original vehicle was stolen by Chief Penis Spitroast, who used the technology to briefly conquer Newfoundland.
The National Coney Island Era (Present)
The economy has shifted to solely relying on revenue from the Coney Island Industry. One trillion coney dogs are produced and consumed solely in the city of Madison Heights. Michigan is slowly sinking below sea level on a daily basis due to the day to day weight gain of local citizens and their consumption of National Coney Island food. Most of the Coney Islands are run by Albanians. Another common Coney worker is the broke-ass college student or the Addict. Coney Islands Reproduce at an alarming rate, and soon there will be one coney for every gang banger ( 400,000). Conies also double as liquor stores.
Detroit Finds its Way (1920-1970)
The Ford legacy of peace and tolerance set the stage for the emergence of modern Detroit, an oasis of stability and cooperation amid an America torn by racial unrest. The "Summer of Love" (1967) marked a high point in racial relations, when leaders of both black and white communities hosted outdoor festivals to commemorate the highly successful urban renewal programs which had transformed the city into a sleek, modern metropolis (the "Devil's night" festival continues to this day, celebrated every Halloween). An avant-garde sculpture of red tubing was installed on Washington Boulevard, regarded today by architecture historians as the true beginning of postmodern architecture in America.
Present during the Summer of Love was one young Coleman R. Young, soon to be Nigga of Detroit. A yoga aficionado who at one point campaigned for South-African gold Krugerrands to be used as Detroit's official currency, Young was an unlikely pick for Mayor. However, one famous speech by Young propelled him to political stardom when he said "let all the white people who live beyond 8 Mile hear my words...brothers, return home where you belong. Let this road divide us no longer. Mr. Gorbachev, teareth down this road!". This speech is credited with a multi-year population influx which continues to affect Detroit demographics to this day. The largest group of these immigrants were from across the Windsor River in Sri Lanka, but a policy of quickly teaching them the English language to assist in their assimilation proved beneficial (a effort spearheaded by city council member David Duke). The City's swelling population strained city services, though seemingly incorruptible city officials managed to meet the growing demand quickly and efficiently. Detroit is a shit hole. It's nothing but dumpy ass blocks with 5 houses on each street
Today, Detroit is home to the largest & most efficient bulletproof electric car transit system in the world - Everyone has Lincoln Navigators (Bulletproof)!!.
Affectionately known as Dicktroit (or Detroilet) by fellow Americans Detroit is on the brink of a revolutionary transformation. Fully 6/6ths of the City is being torn down to make room for a Disney Detroit theme park. The park is expected to draw crowds from all over Downtown Detroit and will be run chiefly by mischievous bulletproof beavers. Disney owner Roy Eisner said that the new Disney park will be a significant drop in the pot for his already ridiculously large fortune. The new park will stress personal hygiene, abstinence and the many uses of the common crowbar. Eisner, the son of Disney, has requested to be buried in a cryogenic mausoleum in the basement of local farmer Fred Mills.
Every 10 years a Reality_TV_Show is held to determine who will become mayor of the city. The current two time champion of this competition is Colonel "Timothy" Sanders. He is sometimes known as the "Vengeful Mayor" because of his amazing chicken-like thighs and fried chicken habit. The plucky southern mayor, who endured countless "Colonel Sanders Need not Apply" signs as a young law clerk in the 1920's, has succeeded where other mayors have failed. His smell-based handling of city finances has balanced the city's budget while neighboring Oakland County perpetually sniffs cocaine in satisfaction. The mayor recently requested that his wife take buses provided by the Detroit Department of Transportation rather than use a city-provided luxury bulletproof SUV because she hurt his feelings with a steak knife.
In 2008 Detroit's mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick (a.k.a. King Kwame the Kop Killing Black Irishman) swindled the city out of millions of dollars. In the midst of his legal troubles, he promised to buy the entire city beer during a high-security automatic weapons free (what?) parade for the Detroit Red Wings. Kwame has still not made good on his promise to this day and continues to bilk the city out of everything and anything (women, money, children, men, goats etc.).
Due to overwhelming ignorance, Kwame has a 99.9999% approval rating from the citizens.
One of the most overlooked industries of Detroit is the booming architectural salvage business. Well-to-do suburbanite yuppies will pay pennies on the dollar for doors, flooring, bathroom fixtures, etc. stripped from the once-grand Detroit neighborhoods. Just like the white person the building material from a Detroit-past is fleeing to the suburbs.
Today, Detroit can also boast of 100% employment, having recently thrown off its "Rust Belt" mantle, and acquiring the moniker "The Dust Belt" - a reference to the city's thriving cocaine industry. Fully 73% of the citizens and 98% of the politicians are presently employed in such productive activities as cocaine processing, cocaine dealing, money collection, drug-related homicide, and robbery. The remainder of the populace finds gainful employment in such fields as pimping, thugging, prostitution, and fashion design. There has also been a huge increase in money flow through the city from the homeless. The homeless population of Detroit swindled over 2.7 million dollars from the suburbs after the recent success of local sports teams drove thousands more to downtown. However, there was a disturbing trend, as sales of 40 oz. beer and mouthwash increased among the homeless by 355%.
On January 1, 2010, the entire City of Detroit was listed for sale on e-Bay at a reserve of U.S. $300,000. As of January 12, 2010, there have been no bidders. The price was later reduced to U.S. $300.
Currently, the city boasts a yogurt-fueled major league baseball team, a minor league football team, a ******** (mainly African-American) basketball team and a highly successful ice dancing troupe known as the Red Wings. Local politics are dominated by the local union bosses (the Independent and Fraternal Order of Auto Part Makers), and the activities of two rival gangs (the Beavers and the Yodelling Freaks) have earned Detroit the title of the yogurt capital of Central Michigan.
In Britain the existence of the British Isle of Detroit is a source of some confusion for tourists, who come to Detroit expecting to see wild leprechauns and are instead shot and run over by obese motorists. A simple test to ascertain which location you are in is to ask oneself, "Do they drive on the left side of the road here?" If the answer is "yes," you are in the British Isles. If you have been "shot" before you can ask the question, you are in Detroit.
As of 2007 Detroit still holds the #1 ranking for the best public school district in the country with a 99% graduation rate and over 200 schools with frequently updated equipment and highly skilled teachers.
Landmarks and tourist attractions
- Nightly/daily carjackings throughout the city
- Pheasants and the extremely rare white folk with a camera sometimes spotted on the Urban Prairies scattered around town
- Super-affordable $1 house
- Manoogian (Mayor's) Mansion (pictured at right)
- Devils Night Festival (Bring your own Gas)
- Faygo factory (Jugheads nearby - see Insane Clown Posse)
- Fermi 1 "We almost lost Detroit" nuclear site and theme park
- The WDIV Channel 4 Crime Wheel. They spin the Wheel-of-Fortune-type wheel and go after the scuzzball of the day. Could be a purse snatcher, could be a pan handler, could be an ax murderer, could be a Detroit city official.
- Safe park with view of Detroit skyline (Windsor, Canada)
- The Pontiac Silverdome
- Palace Of Auburn Hills (Auburn Hills,MI)- Home of the Detroit Pistols, where Ron Artest will punch you in the face.
- The Renaissance Center-AKA: General Motors Headquarters
- Big-ass tire
- Northwest Airlines Airport Terminal (Sorry, only ticketed passengers are allowed to visit!)
Tips for Tourists When Visiting Detroit
- Who in Hell was your travel agent? AAA doesn't even stock Detroit maps anymore. Stay away from here.
- Detroit's city income tax applies to visitors. Stay north of 8 mile. There's plenty of blight in the suburbs to see too.
- Don't give in to temptation and buy a dozen or so of those $1 homes. They are not worth it. Take your family to McDonalds for lunch instead.
- Always carry a gun with you at all times
- Make it 2 guns
- Never leave your hotel without your guns as well as your luggage (Some crook will steal your luggage trust me)
- Always carry plenty of ammo & mags
- If I were you I would carry Glocks
- ALWAYS remember the third tip
- Keep the safety off at all times (Trust me crime lurks around every street corner)
- Before you cap your first criminal always say a cool line before you shoot him, like "You feelin lucky punk?" or "Hasta LaVista baby" ( NOTE: you sometimes might want shoot them right then and now before they draw their weapon)
- Make sure your firearm packs a powerful punch because what's the fun if it didn't
- Always put your hands up for Detroit, otherwise the police will brainwash you with this song
- Always remember that bullets solve crimes way faster than courts ever will
- When your near a drive by never confront the car unless you know what type of weapons the occupants are using and unless you have the guts to fight them anyway
- A Soviet RPG 7V is always a sure victory when confronting crimals doing a drive by (NOTE: This weapon is not only hard to come by but really is not practical unless you want it to be)
- Remember that killing crime does not only save your life and reduce crime a little, but helps out the Detroit police
- Always remember that Axel Foley has got your back (though depending on what area of Detroit your in) (Like come on he can't be everywhere at once, could he?)
- Every bullet is your baby, so make each shot count
- Be creative with your kills
- Have fun, but be on your best guard while doing it
- ALWAYS remember that your killing criminals not people right? Of couse I'm right because why the hell would I have given this tip?
Suburbs of Detroit
- Adrian: Wal-mart rules this small city, so you must talk to the hooded Wal-mart lords before you can shop at an actual, semi-decent store. Beware, the mall is really a large box where emo children hang out at Hot Topic. Watch out for snakes
- Allen Park: Little known fact is that the city was named by dyslexic rednecks; the second "L" in the name is actually a capital "i", and the "Park" was intended to read "Crap," thus the city was meant to be called "Alien Crap". Osama bin Laden might be hiding there.
- Ann Arbor: one of the most liberal places on earth, White dreadlock capital of the Midwest. Known best for its hippies and public radio.
- Auburn Hills: Home to the Palace. Joe Dumars will shoot on sight.
- Belleville: Not to be confused with Belle Isle. It's Detroit's getaway village.
- Berkley: Birthplace of Abe Lincoln. Also home to World's Biggest Cheese Wedge. It is the whitest place in all of Metro Detroit.
- Bloomfield Hills: The rich white part of Detroit, where an 11-year-old can buy a Mexican to mow the lawn of his private mansion for under $3 an hour.
- Carleton: The largest landfill in Michigan where they dump the rubbish from Detroit and Canada until it is full and turns it into a beautiful subdivision.
- Center Line: Surrounded in the middle of Warren.
- Chelsea:Jeff Daniels, clock tower, it's all good. Also contains a boot camp and the Jiffy factory. Also Chelsea football owns the rest of the SEC conference.
- Chesterfield Township: All along Gratiot, Blacks take the bus from this suburb to...Downtown Detroit!
- Dearborn: Al-Qaeda's North American capital city, also affectionately known as Boaterville. A day in Dearborn begins with heartfelt prayers to Allah, as well as to Osama bin Laden, who is revered by residents as their unquestioned leader. After prayers, it's on to IED bomb making at home with the kids. The rest of the day is usually filled with mass demonstrations against democracy. Nighttime finds families sitting around the TV together, watching that evening's beheadings of infidels. Dearborn holds the distinction of being the only place in the country where Detroiters are afraid to be. As everyone knows, even blacks with guns are no match for Arabs with bombs. Anyone happening to find themselves in Dearborn is recommended to use extreme caution and seek the help of your nearest FBI or Homeland Security agent, of whom there are always a steady stream. Also the home to one of the first suicide bombers, Danny "uhhhm Joe?" Daoud. His attack on a local Wendys ended the supply of $0.99 cheeseburgers to the area resulting in a huge run up on shitty shwarma sandwiches.
- Garden City: Home of Michigan's firsts, the first Taco Bell, car dealer (the biggest in the state), pizza parlor, etc.
- Grosse Ile: An island that the rich kids of Grosse Pointe founded, they actually built it out of the radioactive waste from the steel mills of Trenton and River Rouge. The island, shortly after being built and being deemed "a wonderful place to live" by the rich of Grosse Pointe was shortly over ran by a swarm of rednecks swimming across the river from Wyandotte, Trenton, Gibraltar, River Rouge, Riverview and the other redneck downriver cities. The people of Grosse Ile forgot to bring their magical redneck/nigger force field that they have in Grosse Pointe which miraciously kept all the rift out of Grosse Pointe, despite neighboring the poorest city on the planet, Detroit. The people of Grosse Ile decided to build an airport so only the rich could fly to the island with their Lear Jets in winter time when the yachts cannot get down the river, however, the people of wayne county built a free bridge to get to the island, and it only went down hill from there. The residents of Grosse Ile responded by building a Troll bridge that is ran by Trolls and has a toll to cross of around a 1.50. This confused the people of wyandotte and the rednecks could no longer figure out how to get to the island, however the free bridge is still open. In the 1990s, the residents of Grosse Ile hijacked a freighter with an Arab from dearborn and attempted to slam it into the free-bridge, crippling the ability for anymore rednecks to get to the island. However the trolls also charge to get off the island, leaving the rift raft no other way off the island as the 1.50 toll would lead to a foreclosure of their overpriced Grosse Ile cardboard box.
- Grosse Pointe: This is where rich kids go to drink Pabst. John Cusack drove through at some point.
- Hazel Park: The unloved little brother of Warren. The best place to learn Polish, Italian, and Ebonics at the same time. The city shines with pride in receiving the "Safest City in the World to Drive In" award because of it's citizen speed limit of 6 miles per hour. As of the U.S. Census of 2010, the population of Hazel Park will be 21,642; of which 13% are Hillbillies, 21% are Black, 35% are Polacks, and the remaining 31% are about to lose their job with the bankrupt city. Over the last 30 years, Hazel Park's motto has been "The Friendly City," although the council is debating changing it to "Where Black people come to act White". If you're old, Polish, Jewish, Italian, or manage a factory, and are willing to be racially accepting but still lock your doors all day because of them, move here!
- Livonia: The whitest city in North America. Best known for its title as the city with the highest percentage of "legally insane" citizens (also referred to as System of a Down fans) in Michigan.
- Macomb: Not exactly a 'city' per se, however, it is the largest population growth of Michigan since 1997. This is where the wealthy newcomers of Detroit come to reside. Along with a shitload of subdivisions and no sidewalks, (who needs sidewalks, rich people don't walk), although with the population of 8.7 million people with over 1.2 million coming in each year, the crime is surprisingly low. Most of the crime comes from the Trailer Park, where the rich kids buy drugs or pretend that they are in the ghetto without facing the mean streets of Detroit.
- Madison Heights: One trillion coney dogs are produced and consumed solely in this city. This city is the main reason why Michigan has been falling below sea level in recent years.
- Melvindale: Affectionately nicknamed Smellvindale, the town boasts part of a Marathon Oil refinery, cars that attract dust from nearby factories, and the former Laimbeer Packaging Company, closed after its owner threw one too many elbows at a staff meeting and injured its last remaining employees.
- Mount Clemens: Also known as "Da Clem," is home to many stupid bars and being a backwards ass Pontiac, which is saying a lot. They can't afford a police force, so mob rules is the law of the land.
- Novi: Named after No.VI (the 6th stop) on the mail route way back when and is now home of too much shopping and rich bitches. It is also known as Hovi.
- Oak Park: A 'family city'...so take that bullshit back across 8-Mile. We don't need to hear your car stereo in the basement. The other Oak Park is in the Chicago, Illinois but the one in Illinois is more prosperous.
- Pontiac: Known for recently passing a proposal which fully renews all funds towards teaching dem kids how to be a gangsta, yo! Soon to be patrolled by the Guardian Angels, as the ones in Anaheim were busy.
- River Rouge: The Zug Island is intended to be the "Alcatraz Island" of Michigan, with a biggest global prison surrounded by coal, rusty steel mills, power lines, and toxic shit flowing from the Rouge and Detroit rivers. Ecorse, Detroit and Windsor, Canada are at watch for escapees.
- Romeo: Kid Rock's birthplace. When he is talking about Detroit, this is where he is talking about.
- Romulus: The DTW airport is the #1 safest place in Michigan and millions of foreigners who rides Northwest Airlines invades this part of this Michigan village (and others avoid Detroit).
- Royal Oak: Stereotype City, America! In the media, Royal Oak is portrayed as a trendy, rich shopping enclave. In the reality, it is a bunch of hillbillies sitting on their porches with frying pans and soccer moms playing demolition derby with their minivans on the streets while their kids stab each other and snort snow.
- Saint Clair Shores: Also known as the dutty SCS. City Motto: "At least we're not Roseville." The land where people who "live in Detroit" are really from. It's also the home of "8 1/2 Mile." These people are really pushing for it. This population is basically taking over the baby boomer population, this can be observed due to people ignoring the rather low speed limits of 35 MPH on the major roads. It's a close knit, family-oriented city even though everyone who lives there is mentally unstable. Also home to Rick "Big Booty" Murphy, the inventor of the plunger and flashlight.
- Southfield: The city with a large amount of buildings that is basically a smaller, nicer version of Flint. Lawrence Technological University is located here. Whites fled this city years ago after the blacks broke through the 8-Mile Rd barrier.
- Southgate: A 6.9 sq. mi. city that's home to some 8,000 restaurants and the corner of Dix and Eureka, where no one has shopped for a decade.
- Wixom: Nuked off the map in 1907 by Arabs. Taken over in 1935 by American Soldiers fighting for the precious land. They wanted to protect the penny beneath the surface. Eventually rednecks from Howell moved in but moved back out when the area was sieged. Now filled of empty buildings where school kids are taught to become a drug dealer. This causes many families to move to Detroit where they become a drug dealers, pimps, or gangstas. Famous for Loon Lake, the biggest lake in Wixom at 2 feet deep.
- Wyandotte: Where one can look from Bishop park and exclaim "Wow...I can't believe that's a whole other country over there..." Wyandotte has its own Power, Water, Cable AND sewage factory. Was almost the Detroit of Michigan, but was saved by Andrew Carnegie who was known as a notorious meanie-head and shut down Eureka Iron Works.