Destroy

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DESTROY
The official guide to destruction.
“You will all learn what i was raised by!”
~ Scott The Destroyer on the most beautiful word
“HULK SMASH!”
~ The Incredible Hulk on synonyms of the word destroy
“ROBERT TRUJILLO BREAK! ROBERT EAT BANANA! ROBERT LIKEY BANANA!”
~ Robert Trujillo on his contributions to the bass-playing world

What Really is it to Destroy?

“Well, you see son, when a man loves a woman...”
~ Oscar Wilde on the definition of the word destroy
“To obliderate, relinquish, obese...”
~ Oscar Wilde on the 2nd definition of the word destroy

Destroying, sometimes called destruction by the British, is the act of breaking things, usually with a baseball bat or some such whimsical, yet painful item, such as a log, an Etch-a-Sketch or an infant.

When you destroy something you must take absolutely NO responsibility for it. I mean, obviously it was meant to break, otherwise that seven story drop would have done nothing. Don't let anyone get on your case about it either. Just tell them: "I'm telling you! Jacob's spine was supposed to break when I punched him and knocked him out of the window!"


Why destroy?

“Why not destroy? That is a question worth asking yourself”
~ Scott The Destroyer on on this nonsense called <homo> why destroy

There are many reasons to destroy. The most pervasive of these is entertainment, in watching someone’s else’s property catch on fire and burninate (make sure they see this happen). However, not all people are twisted and/or American, so mindless destruction of some guy’s property won’t entertain everyone.

Loosing your demons and giving in to the Dark Side is another reason, as it feels great. This reason is more preferred by Mexicans, and guys who beat their wives. Again, a staggering majority of people haven’t taken on the face of infinite power (an example is pope Benedict), so the Dark Side isn’t for them.

The power reason is always a good one; everyone knows that pain is the only way to motivate people and make them respect you. By destroying select people, you can make the rest love and admire you. (Do not destroy them all, dumbass! Who will lick your boots then?) A more subtle method of this is to destroy on certain people, preferably Jews or Muslims, because then you’ll be heralded as the new Jesus, like Hitler, and no one will try to rip off your face then.

What Really is it to Destroy?

“Well, you see son, when a man loves a woman...”
~ Oscar Wilde on the definition of the word destroy
“To obliderate, relinquish, obese...”
~ Oscar Wilde on the 2nd definition of the word destroy

Destroying, sometimes called destruction by the British, is the act of breaking things, usually with a baseball bat or some such whimsical, yet painful item, such as a log, an Etch-a-Sketch or an infant.

When you destroy something you must take absolutely NO responsibility for it. I mean, obviously it was meant to break, otherwise that seven story drop would have done nothing. Don't let anyone get on your case about it either. Just tell them: "I'm telling you! Jacob's spine was supposed to break when I punched him and knocked him out of the window!"

Things That Can be Used to Destroy

  • Jack Bauer (although he doesn't like the term 'used')
  • A fish
  • A midget
  • A baseball bat
  • Your mom
  • A guitar
  • You
  • Any animal, really
    • Not bears though.
      • Bears are scary
        • So are snakes and spiders
  • This guy
  • Destructivism
  • The pants of a plus-plus sized woman
  • That guy
  • The pants of a morbidly obese man
  • The Spartan army
  • A morbidly obese man
  • Some guy
  • Fire
  • Me
  • Myself
  • I
  • That
  • or That
  • or even That
  • A microphone
  • A pig bladder packed with explosives.
  • A explosive bladder packed with pigs.
  • A bladder pig with explosive packs.
  • A pig packed with explosive bladders.
  • A explosive pig packed with bladders.
  • A bladder packed with explosive pigs.

Things that Can, and Most Likely Should be Destroyed

  • Anything on the above list (excluding Jack Bauer)
  • Everything on the above list (also excluding Jack Bauer)
  • The mullet
  • Oprah Winfrey
  • Oprah Winfrey's pets
  • All Your Base
    • Although they are more likely to are belong to us, than to be destroyed.
      • The writer of the above "joke" has been dealt with. We apologize for that horrible pun. It'll never happen again until tomorrow.
        • That wasn't even a pun you moron! I'll never let you get me!
          • O.K. we actually got him this time.
  • Soviet Russia
  • Big Bird
  • Apple Pie
  • Your Gramma
  • Your pedophile uncle
  • Your gay cousin
    • Not that anything's wrong with being gay
      • I'm not gay though
        • It's just a personal choice, I don't have anything against gay people
          • Damn zombies just stole my burrito-
            • COME BACK HERE MOTHERF-
              • It's OK I'm good they just-
                • And so John McCain said: "Let the battle begin!", before Kong pulled down his pants and jammed his own head into IT, thus destroying and utterly obliterating John
  • Your hot sister
    • Actually, scratch that. How about your ugly sister?
  • Those Athenian pussies
  • Hot Dog Factories
  • Chicken Coops
  • SkyNet
  • CyberConnect
  • The World
  • "The World" the game
  • Accordions
  • All Humans
  • Canada
  • Jar Jar Binks
    • The Gungans
      • Otto Gunga
        • and everything that those damn Gungans possess and cherish.
  • The Matrix
  • John Tucker
  • You
  • The Deathstar
  • Ronald watsits McDonald
  • The old woman still in the trees just down the road who throws stones at your cat
    • Although she can be destroyed quite easily with an RPG-7

Famous destroyers

We learn by comparison and copying, like monkeys, so some examples on successful destroyers are necessary. (It wouldn’t normally be necessary, except I’ve read the article on You.)

  • Adolf Hitler. Brutal tyrant and anti Semite, he is the most famous destroyer by far, and needs no introduction. Edible on Tuesdays.
  • Grignr the Stupid. Barbarian extraordinaire and brainchild of Jim Thesis, this guy is the right intelligence for you to emulate. Get to it.
  • George Bush. President of America-Land and idiot, he has led the world into bullying smaller nations with sticks (tied to missiles).
  • Your Mother. Nominated hussy of the year and second clause, she brought you into the world and lowered the level of beauty substantially. Alas.
  • Thor. He loves to destroy things people make, the people who make the things, and anything else related to the Quran and Loki. He bears a certain resemblance to a brick wall, although the latter is arguably more destroyable, as the natural reaction of a brick wall is not to bash your head open with a magical hammer the size of a Chinese Edible Grenade (CEG). He enjoys getting hit by random fragments of artillery flak during Gulf wars and operating on four brain cells, give or take a few. He likes to destroy anything that can't destroy him, meaning everything. Batteries not included.

How to Destroy Things

You've got your weapons and you've got your targets. Now, the only thing standing in your path of destruction is one thing: How to destroy. It's not that hard, really. You've probably tried before. And most likely failed. It's not that you're small, weak and fragile (Which you probably are), it's that you don't know how to properly destroy things.

A simple example of destruction is to pick up an infant (or anything on the first list) and start beating your friend's car, or preferably your friend. In fact, it's so simple, you should just go outside and do it right now. I'll give you a minute.


....are you back yet? No? Ok, I'll give you a few more minutes.....


See? Wasn't that fun? Congratulations, you've managed to destroy something! Now that you get the basic idea, you can go out and destroy anything and everyone you please! Now go out there, find a malet, and destroy to your heart's content! You won't regret it!

There's just one thing to remember. Do NOT, under any circumstances, destroy yourself, or let anyone destroy you. If anyone attempts to destroy you, immediately destroy them. Also, if it comes to you having to destroy yourself for trying to destroy yourself, try not to get stuck in a paradox, otherwise your head may asplode.


See also

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