Desmond Bicycle

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Desmond Bicycle was a very handsome man when he was younger. Oh yes.

Desmond Theodore Bicycle was born in 1843 in the town of Chavington in Hampshire, England. He is known throughout the world as the inventor of the bicycle, and if you don't know this then you're obviously an idiot, loony, weirdo, woman or homosexual.

Desmond Bicycle should not be confused with The Real Desmond Bicycle, inventor of the platform shoe.



Desmond Bicycle, after he'd let himself go.

Due to physical complications (a small vagina and very fat thighs), Mrs Bicycle was in labor for 29 hours. In the end they decided a cesarean section was best. Unfortunately, when they sewed her back up, they accidentally left one of the hospital chairs inside her. Seeing as Mrs Mummy Bicycle was so stupid and useless, a family decision was made to leave the chair inside her and use her as part of the furniture back home. The hospital agreed as it meant less work for the surgeons, and therefore less money for the NHS, which is what really matters.


Little Desmond grew up in a very small house, and as such his bedroom was only the size of an airing cupboard, thus forcing him to sleep standing up, along with all of his brothers and sisters. He would block out this harsh reality by delving into an elaborate fantasy land inside his head in which he was lying in a large four-poster bed with silk sheets and a servant called Timothy who would bring him breakfast in bed. It was only this which kept him sane. However, it was this same fantasy which also eventually caused the emergence of his insanity, in which he really did believe he was in charge of a large household, and would order his parents about, shouting, "Where's my mansion gone??!!" and, "Where are my eggs??!!" Eventually they sent him to hospital, where he stole lots of prescription drugs, escaped, sold them on the black market, and used the money to buy a large mansion in which the rest of his family were indeed the servants. Oh the irony...

Invention of the Bicycle


The first bicycle was a complete failure because it had no wheels, but the seat area was popular with women

Whilst Desmond was growing up, a popular form of transport was the Tricycle, which was invented by a Mr Desmond Tricycle 56 years previously, as only people with the word cycle in their name were allowed by law to invent, design and develop pedal-powered wheeled vehicles (as was the case with a Mr David Unicycle, inventor of the Unicycle, years later). However, Desmond thought that he could cut production costs by creating a two-wheeled version of the Tricycle called the BiTricycle, which he used as the basis for his bicycle. It is worth noting that, briefly, before the BiTricycle evolved into the Bicycle, Desmond Tricycle tried to do better than Desmond Bicycle by making a four-wheeled version of the two-wheeled Tricycle, known briefly as the QuadBiTricycle, but it failed to catch on.

Personal Life & Sexuality

At the age of 27, Desmond came out as Bisexual, but he later corrected this and said he meant he was in fact BiCycleSexual, meaning that he enjoyed sex with both women and bicycles. Shortly after this statement he announced he was to marry female olympic cyclist Eva van Hoover (whose father* invented the first vaccuum cleaner).

* Desmond von Hoovington



In another act of madness, Desmond Bicycle steals Desmond Tricycle's QuadBiTricycle and attempts to run people over.

Although Desmond's mental health did somewhat improve in the years following the trauma suffered as a child, he never really fully recovered. Towards the end of his life, Desmond Bicycle gradually became completely insane. By the time he was 80, he would:

  • chase postmen up the street whilst barking,
  • stand completely still in other peoples gardens for hours on end,
  • paint his house a different colour every week, and
  • walk to the shops without any trousers on.

Eventually, Desmond's insanity led to the now famous Nudity Incident (see below).

Nudity Incident


Standard Police bicycles just weren't up to the job in those days

Years of severe mental illness finally took its toll, and on 17th November 1983, Desmond stripped completely naked, climbed aboard his favourite bicycle, and rode around his local shopping centre scaring children and old ladies. 14 Police officers (wearing clothes) cycled after him, but were unable to catch him due to Desmond being so fit (especially for such an old man). In a bizarrely ironic accident, all of the Police officers' bicycles broke (because they were cheap bicycles, as opposed to bicycles made by Desmond Bicycle Bicycles Ltd.) and they all fell off and banged their heads, causing severe amnesia, which meant that they didn't remember Desmond's nudity incident, and so therefore he got away with it.



Desmond, as he spent most of the later years of his life, playing Pac Man on his computer naked.

According to rumors, on 17th October 1987, at the young age of 144, Desmond was out Dancing Like A Loony in his favorite field, when tragedy struck. As if from nowhere, approximately 300 naked men ran into the field, trampling Mr Bicycle under their enormous fat feet. He was pronounced dead by the paramedics, because the person who found him had a speech impediment.

See also

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