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“It was like being a spider in a bathtub going there - once you're in, you ain't getting out alive.”
“A city of great significance and importance that will likely spawn the greatest race of humans and the greatest empire the world shall ever see... actually, it probably won't, because it's shit.”
“They’re all scum. I’m going back there for your nan.”
Derby is the older brother of Nottingham and Leicester, always being difficult in the supermarkets and being hard to find. Derby's exact location is unknown to everyone, including its inhabitants; most of whom have lived there for generations eating grass and smoking baby fetuses. People from Derby are known throughout the United Kingdom as being the, “Chinese people”, of the Country, since tight gene pools are mandatory and webbed feet are considered ‘sexy’, making it impossible to tell them apart. Inbreeding is more than just common in Derby, as most of the villagers are fearful of being caught out by even shagging their second cousins; something that could loosen the death grip they have on their gene pool. Although it has never been documented for anyone to breed outside of first-cousinship, it is widely believed to have happened. The tradition of having such control over their gene pool is one of the only things that people from Derby can ‘boast’ about. The other thing Derby can ‘boast’ is the good relationship between humans and sheep. This is because they claim to be equals, which is the first time inter-species equal rights have been exercised since the Indians with their cows.
Derby is also renowned for its lack of businesses; due to the fact that all of Derby is made up of hills and rocks, perfect for the residents and sheep, but a bummer for corporate giants that want somewhere decent to settle. It’s probably for the best anyway as nobody in Derby has any money to spend there. Derby people generally, “live off the fat of the land”, as local lad Lennie would say. Those lucky enough to own some farming land use grass to seduce sheep, and are granted sexual favours on a daily basis. These favours include, Blumpkins, Cleveland Steamers and Feltching. Grass can also be exchanged for tickets to see Derby County FC play football, this activity, while considered a waste of grass by most, is a very different way to spend your day in Derby. You could just stare at the sun for 90 minutes, which is considered just as much fun and hurts your eyes a lot less. The grass generated by the chairman is used in America to buy what is called, “American grass”, because the exchange rate on grass is apparently pretty good. The yank owner can use the exchange rate to supply Prideless Park with more blades of grass for next season. And you thought yanks were completely stupid eh?
Law & Order
Butchering a sheep (or Ram) in Derby is a corporal-punishment enforced offence. Unusually however, many Derby people see this sort of punishment as being ‘kinky’, as opposed to a real enforcement of the law. Sheep have made the argument that if they did truly have equal rights, the enforcement of the law would be prison, just like it would for murdering a human. This appeal was rejected largely due to the fact that it would be unfair to jail sheep in the case of one killing a human, and when sheep get corporal punishment it is rather more entertaining to watch them try to hold a whip with their hooves.
“I ain’t ignorant”
Education in Derby is mainly about learning life skills based on the principle of Trial and Error, i.e. If shagging your mum upsets your dad, try not going all the way with her next time. If he continues to beat you, suggest an alternative way your inbred fantasies can be fulfilled. Other courses that can be studied in Derby schools include learning how to sign a 2 letter signature; usually taught in English lessons. For any person from Derby, learning how to write their signature is the most vital life skill you could possess, as signing job seekers agreements is the only source of income. Derby is the only place in the history of schools where the most common problem is not head lice and knits, but ADHD. This is a made-up diagnosis that doctors use to describe the symptoms of being a lazy little shit with no attention span.
Amazingly, Derby is the only county in the United Kingdom to have almost no crime whatsoever. Scientists believe this is down to muggers being too shit scared to rob anyone, due to the fact that everyone carries knifes/blades/shanks, or better. The only real robberies people from Derby commit are against the rest of England, that of oxygen and pride. Funnily enough, this is also what God strips them of when they are born; oxygen and pride. The lack of oxygen at birth causes brain damage, but Derby people cover this up well, disguising it as just being chavish. Obviously other crime does happen in Derby; it’s just that everyone hates the police, so none of it is ever reported. Life in this ‘crime free’ county shares many similarities with children’s TV show ‘Noddy’, where PC Plod will help out Noddy trying to discover who has stolen Mrs. Humphrey’s last pie, rather than help out the woman getting raped down the alley behind the police station. Another contributing factor to this lack of reported crime is the Eye for an Eye principle. Someone stole my car?? Just steal a better one. Grand theft auto is so common in Derby even the police do it. “Commandeering your vehicle”, my fucking arse, you thieving bastards. Beastiality is one of those old traditions practised since the dark ages in Derby; hence the reason it has still not been made illegal. Sheep beastiality is the most common sort, but it is in no way limited to shepherds, it is a common practise of many people throughout Derby. The term, “practise”, is thrown about a lot, because for Derby folk it is like a warm-up for the men to prepare themselves mentally and physically for how ugly their women are. The number one crime committed in Derby is suicide. This is usually down to Derby County FC getting another thrashing like ‘lambs to the slaughter’. Pun totally intended, and I feel good for it so fuck off.
People who come from Derby generally aren't bad people, in fact, some are sort of... Well... Nice. Scientists have found a correlation between people from Derby, and the people who live in Derby. Now, pay attention because this is where it gets tricky. Someone might say they come from Derby, but that doesn't automatically mean they are a gun-toting-stabby-McGee. If someone says they are, "from Derby", then they're obviously not; the vocabulary and dialect of someone from Derby would sound more like, "frum Derby, you get meh bledrin". However chavvy they are, if they have used to the word 'frum', it usually means the conversation is not happening in Derby. So, you can safely assume they are either drifters trying to get away from Derbyland, (the stench of urine in your nostrils can cause even the bravest olfactory nerves to want out for a while) or, it can mean they have immigrated to the place of said conversation. When a person leaves the county and removes their bulletproof attire, they often cheer up and stop being miserable cunts. If someone from Derby escapes their poverty and enjoys the bright lights of a good city, they will see that their way of life is not the only one, and they'll learn that being able to read is not something, "those posh bastards do", but it's a privilege you get when being taught in a city whose teachers aren't all dyslexic. This is why your opinion of someone from Derby is clouded when you meet them, 9 in 10 times you won't be in Derby when you're talking to them, except to spare some change. Worse than neo-nazis, these cretins believe there is no place better in the world; having never been anywhere else. People from Derby also have terrible banter, and are infuriated if told so. The best banter you are likely to get will be a play on something you have just said, for example...
- Normal person: This room is huge.
- Derby person's reply: Your mum's huge.
People from Derby hold long rivalry traditions with two neighbouring counties, Nottinghamshire and Leicestershire. The rivalry with Nottingham really came about when Derby County fans started a football hooligan fight in Nottingham town centre. The fight concluded with Derbians getting their arses handed to them, and were left to be cared for by the Queens Medical Centre staff. But the hatred really brewed after they were, "badly treated", by Nottingham class act, Harold Shipman, who killed roughly 16 of the little shits. The hatred Nottingham residents feel for Derby residents is rooted mainly in these fights. The rivalry is therefore all down to Derby County FC being a complete bag of wank.
Derby Bus Station
Newly built in the city centre of Derby, this large multi-purpose building is used as a bus station, public toilet, shelter for the homeless, brothel and cash dispenser for any muggers that just so happen to be passing. It is also equipped with a café in the newsagent, for those not too fussy about getting food poisoning.
A convenient and cheap way to get around the city of Derby is to step in the nearest pool of vomit, then slip slide around town, just as you would ice skate. The thoughtful inhabitants of Derby always make sure a sufficient supply of pools are there for their visitors.
Derby boast a daytime TV talk show that involves all female presenters, making it very similar to, "Loose Women", but with really loose women from Derby. These women make sexual innuendos about how tiny the schlongs are in Derby. Common debate is over whether or not it is possible for their wizards sleeves to get any bigger, and if so, is it possible to create pendular slaps with the hairy lips by swaying side to side. "Really Loose Women", is a popular show throughout Derby, but it remains exclusive to them, having been considered too real to be broadcast on ITV. Guests are few and far between, but every now and then Robbie Savage will make an appearance just to keep the ratings up.