Depression

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Depression01
People suffering from depression see this bright and vivid image in dark, dull colours, with jagged rocks instead of vibrant flowers.
“GO GO GADGET RAZOR BLADE!”
~ Inspector Gadget on Being depressed
“Heres a guy who when he's depressed, he feels sad”
~ John Madden on depression
“:(”
~ Internet on On Depression

Depression is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.

Who has depression?

You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like you do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.

Self-Diagnosis of Depression

Bdaycake
Signs of depression are subtle but can strike at any time. Most often these cases are diagnosed by laughter at your expense.

Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless.

Dangers

The key dangers of depression, include its signature alluring smell of shit, covering the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. You also might just throw your kids out the window to see if you still feel anything anymore.

Treatment

3noose-med
A comfortable and stylish necktie, as preferred and recommended by people with depression.

Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money, sex, plastic surgery, and Garfield strips. However, the only proven-effective cure for depression is suicide.

HereLiesYourIdol
An average fan of a corpse. She was sad because they buried it. She jumped 2 seconds later after a good advice from someone.

Some things to try to be less Depressed

  • Take a long walk. Bonus if there is a short dock in the area.
  • Take a bubble bath. The warm water will relax you, and you might slip under - if you stay under long enough, you will be less depressed.
  • Color a pretty picture. Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
  • Smoking. Because there is nothing more comforting than slow Suicide. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
  • Enjoy a nice day at the spa. Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could be why you're depressed?
  • Practice affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
  • Write an article. You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
  • Talk to people. Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
  • Buy twenty pure-bred kittens. When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs.
  • Have a snack. You're already overweight, what's a few more extra pounds?
  • Go to Sunderland.You can catch all kinds of fatal diseases, or a scumbag otherwise known as someone from Sunderland will rape and kill you (how they say hello)
  • drink gasoline
  • Watch Robot Chicken episodes. You could do what they do, even if it involves you facing electrocution and getting your head A splode.
  • Drugs. Because some hallucinations make you go AAAAAAAAA when you see rainbows everywhere.
  • When all the above fails there is only one thing left: Medication. Symbalta is a great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Symbalta's side effects will.

How You Can Help People with Depression

Depressoion
Depression can be found in many forms; Magenta, Forest Green, Sulphur, and Navy Blue, comprise the major types of depression.
  • Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
  • Tell them to "jump off a bridge". Be sure to sound honest and kind.
  • Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
  • Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they wouldn't feel so sad. If they reply that they already know the Savior, insist that they don't have enough faith.
  • Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables, or alternatively with a cattle prod. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
  • Tell them how selfish they are to be depressed.
  • Show them pictures of starving kids in Africa.
  • Give them some rope and a stool.
  • Have sex with them. (Preferably consensual)
  • Give them money
  • Send then to a mental hospital.
  • Cut off their penis if they are sad because people in public saw his erection
  • Show them a picture of a man stretching his anus a feet wide
  • Force them to watch My Little Pony
  • Scrub mayonnaise on your armpit and sing Bohemian Polka in front of them while running around naked on a frying pan laid on the ground (Make sure they laugh their ass off by running around like an idiot)
  • Stand on your head and show them off
  • Watch this video, then look into the mirror and say big mac 3 times turn around and he will be there.
  • During the funeral, while they're crying, remove the body from its casket and rape it. Claim that it felt SO good that they should try it too!
  • Tell them to consume some narcotics and drink liquified peanut butter while hitting his head on the wall forever until he lost his mind
  • Wipe ass with mace
  • Kick their testes to give them enough adrenaline to stay up and gamble at the casino

Music can help

HereLiesYourIdol
Can thing's really be any more depression?
Kill Smiley
The happiest advice you'll hear all day, in this lousy miserable world.

Especially bands like Creed, since they induce suicide earlier.

happy articles, that even provide advice on where to purchase lengths of candy

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