Depression

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{{Q|GO GO GADGET RAZOR BLADE!|Inspector Gadget|Being depressed}}
 
{{Q|GO GO GADGET RAZOR BLADE!|Inspector Gadget|Being depressed}}
 
{{Q|Heres a guy who when he's depressed, he feels sad|John Madden|depression}}
 
{{Q|Heres a guy who when he's depressed, he feels sad|John Madden|depression}}
{{Q|:(|Internet|On Depression}}
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{{Q|:'(|Internet|On Depression}}
   
'''Depression''' is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some [[Oasis|wastrels]] will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.
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'''Depression''' is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some [[Oasis|wastrels]] will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.
   
 
== Who has depression?==
 
== Who has depression?==
 
You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like [[you]] do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.
 
You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like [[you]] do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.
   
== Self-Diagnosis of Depression ==
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== Presumptive Diagnosis of Depression ==
 
[[File:Bdaycake.jpg|left|thumb|Signs of depression are subtle but can strike at any time. Most often these cases are diagnosed by laughter at your expense.]]
 
[[File:Bdaycake.jpg|left|thumb|Signs of depression are subtle but can strike at any time. Most often these cases are diagnosed by laughter at your expense.]]
Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless.
+
Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless, and are clearly depressed.
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  +
== The Simple Maths ==
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  +
There is a simple formula that can be used to determine whether [[You]] are depressed. It is as follows.
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  +
'''LA+32/4f'''
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  +
Where '''LA''' equals the amount of life accomplishments you have ever achieved, and where '''f''' is the amount of times you have [[Fucked up]] in the last year. If the number is greater than ten, you are depressed. Don't feel depressed? Then you're probably incapable of feelings, which is sign of depression. Or at least that's what my [[Mr winkler is GAY|English teacher]] told me one time. He was probably wrong though.
   
 
== Dangers ==
 
== Dangers ==
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== Treatment ==
 
== Treatment ==
 
[[Image:3noose-med.jpg|left|thumb|150px|A comfortable and stylish necktie, as preferred and recommended by people with depression.]]
 
[[Image:3noose-med.jpg|left|thumb|150px|A comfortable and stylish necktie, as preferred and recommended by people with depression.]]
Popular treatments for depression include [[marijuana|illegal drug use]], money, [[sex]], plastic surgery, and [[Garfield]] strips. However, the only proven-effective '''cure''' for depression is [[suicide]].
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Popular treatments for depression include [[marijuana|illegal drug use]], money, [[sex]], plastic surgery, and [[Garfield]] strips.
   
 
[[Image:HereLiesYourIdol.jpg|right|thumb|An average fan of [[corpse|a corpse]]. She was sad because they buried it. She jumped 2 seconds later after a [[Suicide|good advice]] from [[Satan|someone]].]]
 
[[Image:HereLiesYourIdol.jpg|right|thumb|An average fan of [[corpse|a corpse]]. She was sad because they buried it. She jumped 2 seconds later after a [[Suicide|good advice]] from [[Satan|someone]].]]
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*'''Color a pretty picture.''' Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
 
*'''Color a pretty picture.''' Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
 
*'''Smoking.''' Because there is nothing more comforting than slow [[Suicide]]. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
 
*'''Smoking.''' Because there is nothing more comforting than slow [[Suicide]]. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
*'''Enjoy a nice day at the spa.''' Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could be why you're depressed?
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*'''Enjoy a nice day at the spa.''' Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could that be why you're depressed?
 
*'''Practice affirmations.''' Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
 
*'''Practice affirmations.''' Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
 
*'''Write an article.''' You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
 
*'''Write an article.''' You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
 
*'''Talk to people.''' Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
 
*'''Talk to people.''' Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
*'''Buy twenty pure-bred kittens.''' When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs.
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*'''Buy twenty pure-bred kittens.''' When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs. Alternatively, you could wait until they multiply into sixty pure-bred kittens with the accompanying litterbox smell permeating your house until the neighbors complain.
 
*'''Have a snack.''' You're already [[obesity|overweight]], what's a few more [[Obesity Fines|extra pounds]]?
 
*'''Have a snack.''' You're already [[obesity|overweight]], what's a few more [[Obesity Fines|extra pounds]]?
*'''Go to [[Sunderland]].'''You can catch all kinds of fatal diseases, or a scumbag otherwise known as someone from Sunderland will rape and kill you (how they say hello)
 
* drink gasoline
 
 
*'''Watch Robot Chicken episodes.''' You could do what they do, even if it involves [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfH3bDPNGHw you facing electrocution and getting your head] [[A splode]].
 
*'''Watch Robot Chicken episodes.''' You could do what they do, even if it involves [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfH3bDPNGHw you facing electrocution and getting your head] [[A splode]].
 
*'''Drugs.''' Because some [[hallucinations]] make you go [[AAAAAAAAA!|AAAAAAAAA]] when you see [[rainbows]] everywhere.
 
*'''Drugs.''' Because some [[hallucinations]] make you go [[AAAAAAAAA!|AAAAAAAAA]] when you see [[rainbows]] everywhere.
*When all the above fails there is only one thing left: '''Medication'''. Symbalta is a great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Symbalta's side effects will.
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*When all the above fails there is only one thing left: '''Medication'''. Cymbalta is great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Cymbalta's side effects will.
   
 
== How You Can Help People with Depression==
 
== How You Can Help People with Depression==
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* Give them some rope and a stool.
 
* Give them some rope and a stool.
 
* Have sex with them. (Preferably consensual)
 
* Have sex with them. (Preferably consensual)
* Give them money
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* Give them money, even though they would probably use it to buy [[Radiohead|depressing music]] anyway.
* Send then to a mental hospital.
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* Send them to a mental hospital. This does cost taxpayer dollars, however.
* Cut off their penis if they are sad because people in public saw his erection
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* Cut off their penis if they are sad because people in public saw his erection.
 
* Show them a picture of a [[Goatse|man stretching his anus a feet wide]]
 
* Show them a picture of a [[Goatse|man stretching his anus a feet wide]]
 
* Force them to watch My Little Pony
 
* Force them to watch My Little Pony
 
* Scrub mayonnaise on your armpit and sing [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZsN3S0WJ_o Bohemian Polka] in front of them while running around [[naked]] on a frying pan [[laid]] on the ground (Make sure they laugh their ass off by running around like an idiot)
 
* Scrub mayonnaise on your armpit and sing [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZsN3S0WJ_o Bohemian Polka] in front of them while running around [[naked]] on a frying pan [[laid]] on the ground (Make sure they laugh their ass off by running around like an idiot)
* Stand on your head and show them off
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* Stand on your head and show them off.
 
* Watch [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U-qT9Q8mTo this video], then look into the mirror and say big mac 3 times turn around and [http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090112233938/uncyclopedia/images/1/18/Scary.jpg he] will be there.
 
* Watch [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7U-qT9Q8mTo this video], then look into the mirror and say big mac 3 times turn around and [http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090112233938/uncyclopedia/images/1/18/Scary.jpg he] will be there.
* During the funeral, while they're crying, remove the body from its casket and [[Necrophilia|rape it]]. Claim that [[WTF|it felt SO good]] that they should try it too!
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* During the funeral, while they're crying, remove the body from its casket and [[Necrophilia|rape it]]. Claim that [[WTF|it felt SO good]] that they should try it too! The social stigma you would receive in the aftermath would make you depressed, creating a [[Circular Logic|cycle of death, rape and funerals]]!
* Tell them to consume some [[Opium|narcotics]] and drink liquified peanut butter while hitting his head on the wall forever until he lost his mind
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* Tell them to consume some [[Opium|narcotics]] and drink liquified peanut butter while hitting his head on the wall forever until he lost his mind.
 
*[[Ouch|Wipe ass with mace]]
 
*[[Ouch|Wipe ass with mace]]
 
*Kick their [[Testicles|testes]] to give them enough [[Pain|adrenaline]] to [[Pass out|stay up]] and [[prison|gamble]] at the [[hospital|casino]]
 
*Kick their [[Testicles|testes]] to give them enough [[Pain|adrenaline]] to [[Pass out|stay up]] and [[prison|gamble]] at the [[hospital|casino]]
   
 
== Music can help ==
 
== Music can help ==
[[File:HereLiesYourIdol.jpg|thumb|left|174px|Can thing's really be any more depression?]]
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[[File:HereLiesYourIdol.jpg|thumb|left|174px|Can things really be any more depressing?]]
 
[[Image:Kill Smiley.gif|thumb|The happiest advice you'll hear all day, in this lousy miserable world.]]
 
[[Image:Kill Smiley.gif|thumb|The happiest advice you'll hear all day, in this lousy miserable world.]]
 
Especially bands like [[Creed]], since they induce suicide earlier.
 
Especially bands like [[Creed]], since they induce suicide earlier.
   
==happy articles, that even provide advice on where to purchase lengths of candy==
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==Happy articles, that even provide advice on where to purchase lengths of candy==
 
* [[Great Depression]]
 
* [[Great Depression]]
 
* [[Prozac]]
 
* [[Prozac]]

Latest revision as of 02:55, November 26, 2014

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Radiohead?
Bloink1 solid
This article needs to be expanded.
 You are a worthless human being. You can help Uncyclopedia by just killing yourself. Or contributing to this page to give yourself some semblance of self-worth (before we erase it). But seriously...  


Depression01

People suffering from depression see this bright and vivid image in dark, dull colours, with jagged rocks instead of vibrant flowers.

“GO GO GADGET RAZOR BLADE!”
~ Inspector Gadget on Being depressed
“Heres a guy who when he's depressed, he feels sad”
~ John Madden on depression
“:'(”
~ Internet on On Depression

Depression is nature's way of ridding a species of members that are weak, annoying and entirely worthless. Unfortunately, some wastrels will live their entire lives in hopeless depression without ever enriching humanity through self-annihilation.

edit Who has depression?

You. No one else in the world ever feels sad like you do. You are the first person to be dumped by a significant other, lose a job, be clumsy with the opposite sex, be born in Sunderland, have mean parents, have a mean boss. You are therefore defective.

edit Presumptive Diagnosis of Depression

Bdaycake

Signs of depression are subtle but can strike at any time. Most often these cases are diagnosed by laughter at your expense.

Depression is the natural state of truly worthless people. In fact, only truly worthless people feel depression. To gain an understanding, take a moment to reflect on your life's accomplishments. If you feel a sense of satisfaction; congratulations, you are normal. If you do not at least feel some level of contentment you are worthless, and are clearly depressed.

edit The Simple Maths

There is a simple formula that can be used to determine whether You are depressed. It is as follows.

LA+32/4f

Where LA equals the amount of life accomplishments you have ever achieved, and where f is the amount of times you have Fucked up in the last year. If the number is greater than ten, you are depressed. Don't feel depressed? Then you're probably incapable of feelings, which is sign of depression. Or at least that's what my English teacher told me one time. He was probably wrong though.

edit Dangers

The key dangers of depression, include its signature alluring smell of shit, covering the intense aroma of not showering for 40 days and nights, since there's really no point in being clean anyway if you're going to kill yourself. You also might just throw your kids out the window to see if you still feel anything anymore.

edit Treatment

3noose-med

A comfortable and stylish necktie, as preferred and recommended by people with depression.

Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money, sex, plastic surgery, and Garfield strips.

HereLiesYourIdol

An average fan of a corpse. She was sad because they buried it. She jumped 2 seconds later after a good advice from someone.

edit Some things to try to be less Depressed

  • Take a long walk. Bonus if there is a short dock in the area.
  • Take a bubble bath. The warm water will relax you, and you might slip under - if you stay under long enough, you will be less depressed.
  • Color a pretty picture. Release your inner kindergartner and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
  • Smoking. Because there is nothing more comforting than slow Suicide. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
  • Enjoy a nice day at the spa. Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could that be why you're depressed?
  • Practice affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
  • Write an article. You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
  • Talk to people. Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
  • Buy twenty pure-bred kittens. When you're bored with them, you'll have 20 free tennisballs. Alternatively, you could wait until they multiply into sixty pure-bred kittens with the accompanying litterbox smell permeating your house until the neighbors complain.
  • Have a snack. You're already overweight, what's a few more extra pounds?
  • Watch Robot Chicken episodes. You could do what they do, even if it involves you facing electrocution and getting your head A splode.
  • Drugs. Because some hallucinations make you go AAAAAAAAA when you see rainbows everywhere.
  • When all the above fails there is only one thing left: Medication. Cymbalta is great. If the depression doesn't get you first then Cymbalta's side effects will.

edit How You Can Help People with Depression

Depressoion

Depression can be found in many forms; Magenta, Forest Green, Sulphur, and Navy Blue, comprise the major types of depression.

  • Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
  • Tell them to "jump off a bridge". Be sure to sound honest and kind.
  • Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
  • Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they wouldn't feel so sad. If they reply that they already know the Savior, insist that they don't have enough faith.
  • Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables, or alternatively with a cattle prod. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
  • Tell them how selfish they are to be depressed.
  • Show them pictures of starving kids in Africa.
  • Give them some rope and a stool.
  • Have sex with them. (Preferably consensual)
  • Give them money, even though they would probably use it to buy depressing music anyway.
  • Send them to a mental hospital. This does cost taxpayer dollars, however.
  • Cut off their penis if they are sad because people in public saw his erection.
  • Show them a picture of a man stretching his anus a feet wide
  • Force them to watch My Little Pony
  • Scrub mayonnaise on your armpit and sing Bohemian Polka in front of them while running around naked on a frying pan laid on the ground (Make sure they laugh their ass off by running around like an idiot)
  • Stand on your head and show them off.
  • Watch this video, then look into the mirror and say big mac 3 times turn around and he will be there.
  • During the funeral, while they're crying, remove the body from its casket and rape it. Claim that it felt SO good that they should try it too! The social stigma you would receive in the aftermath would make you depressed, creating a cycle of death, rape and funerals!
  • Tell them to consume some narcotics and drink liquified peanut butter while hitting his head on the wall forever until he lost his mind.
  • Wipe ass with mace
  • Kick their testes to give them enough adrenaline to stay up and gamble at the casino

edit Music can help

HereLiesYourIdol

Can things really be any more depressing?

Kill Smiley

The happiest advice you'll hear all day, in this lousy miserable world.

Especially bands like Creed, since they induce suicide earlier.

edit Happy articles, that even provide advice on where to purchase lengths of candy

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