From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A Depleted Kitten is a kitten that has already been huffed. Many pet kittens are depleted due to pet store employees huffing them during feedings. An easy way to know if a kitten is depleted is to look at its eyes. Depleted kittens have shiny eyes, while normal kittens have more matte ones. Depleted kittens are most commonly huffed at the PETA huff den. (See "Depleted Kittens in Animal Rights")
|Part of a series of articles on|
edit Why Huff Depleted
Depleted Kittens, despite popular belief, CAN be huffed again. They are essentially restored to their non-depleted status within about 10 months of huffing for reasons unknown. Some believe this is due to the growth of a "Replacement Soul". However a far more plausible answer is that the the soul simply grows another protective coating (the actual part of the soul that inspires euphoria), since there is no current evidence to suggest the actual soul is destroyed in the process of huffing, provided it is exhaled quickly. It is said that depleted kittens offer a longer, calmer high and less intense euphoria, but this is doubted by most professional kitten huffers. Due to the belief that depleted kittens cannot be huffed again, many huffers sell them for only a few dollars, or even give them away for free. Also, it is possible to do things to a depleted kitten that you wouldn't DARE do to a normal one. (See section on depleted only huffing methods.) This has been exploited by residents of Detroit, with their bizarre kitten huffing practices. It is said a resident of Detroit once jumped out of a plane while hothuffing a semi-depleted kitten, resulting in the most ridiculous huff in existence.
Another theory as to why there are so many pre depleted kittens, is that, that asshole Dovakiin devoured there souls already; why because he is a greedy bastard.
edit History of Depleted Kittens
Since the advent of kitten huffing, there were, of course, depleted kittens. However, it is commonly thought that the first depleted kitten was (accidentally) huffed sometime in the seventeenth century. On a ship heading to North America, a fluffhead brought several hundred kittens aboard. However, the ship was slowed down by a storm, and the fluffhead decided he would rather die than run out of kittens. So, he committed suicide by huffing every remaining kitten at once. A few weeks later, the captain grew so tired of all the depleted kittens running around on the ship, he ordered a ship's boy to throw them all overboard. The ship's boy, however, decided to huff one of them, not knowing it was depleted. During his 100 lashes for being caught high on kitten, it was revealed that he had huffed a depleted kitten. Since then, depleted kitten huffing has been a popular pastime in Boston (where the ship landed). Soon, the practice had spread to all of North America, and eventually, the entire kitten huffing world. It is still said, however, that the descendants of that ship's boy own one of the best huff dens in the world, specializing in depleted Russian blues.
edit Depleted Kittens in Animal Rights
Since a depleted kitten
has is sometimes thought to have no real soul, PETA recommends one huff only depleted kittens. Many less extreme kitten huffers only practice in-humane kitten huffing (See kitten huffing main article for a description of humane and in-humane kitten huffing.) on depleted kittens. The most common slogan advocating depleted huffs is "Huff depleted! Save a non-existent soul!" This slogan was chanted by PETA protesters who were picketing a popular huff den, and has since spread throughout the animal rights and kitten huffing worlds. It is even the theme of a folk song: "Huff With Me, Depleted Soul," which was briefly in third place on the billboard chart. PETA has recently opened a special "PETA Huff Den." In it, those who have never huffed a depleted kitten before can try one out for free. It also sells various huffs, all of the profits going to animal welfare. It is said that the den has "The best price for an orange one this side of Mars!" This is, however, doubted by most kitten huffers, who think that you can get a better price from E-MED-PHARMA.COM the newspaper classified ads. Recently, a group of extreme animal rights activists hung a "Huff depleted and save our kittens!" banner from the top of the CN Tower, causing a brief anti-huffing riot, which led to the destruction of several huff dens near Queen and Bathurst. Since, however, it seems likely that this "soul-less kitten" theory is very unlikely given the existing evidence, the in-humane huffing of "depleted" kittens is still regarded as animal abuse in many circles, especially in fellio-huffology labs. PETA has, in light of the current evidence, retracted their claims, now claiming "No in-humane kitten huffing is safe kitten huffing".
edit "Depleted Only" Huffing Methods
Many kitten huffers practice certain methods of huffing solely on depleted kittens, either because they are inhumane, or simply because they are otherwise impossible. They include:
edit Explosive Huffing
In Explosive Huffing, the huffer inhales the kitten's soul quickly and then holds it in the lungs as long as is possible. This causes very strong euphoria and a feeling of "Blowing Up." Explosive huffing is common among experienced huffers, but most casual fluffheads have never heard of it. This is due to its intensity, as well as the rarity of good explosive huffing kittens. Kitten Huffing Daily News recommends either Bengal kittens for the rich fluffhead, or a black, wirehaired generic for the casual huffer.
edit Half Soul Huff
A method that is only possible with depleted kittens is the half-soul huff. This is done by huffing a depleted kitten about a week after it was last huffed. This means that the kitten's "Replacement Soul" has only half grown, making the high half as intense. A well known kitten huffing expert recommends all beginners huff a half-soul first, so they can get used to the sensation of huffing. A common accident is to huff a kitten less than a week after it has been huffed. This "Puny Huff" will provide almost no high, and will, in some cases, kill the kitten involved.
Huff jumping is sometimes said to be the least humane way to huff. It involves huffing a (usually orange) kitten while skydiving. This causes one of the most intense generic highs known to man. However, accidents involving dropping the kitten are common, so it is recommended that all huff jumpers bring a backup kitten. The most famous huff-jumping accident is commonly called the Chernobyl Disaster. Scientist now think this was caused by a fluffhead dropping a kitten into a smokestack.
edit Group Power Huff
This type of huff was invented by PETA to convince people to try depleted huffing. It involves putting more than one (depleted) kitten in a huffing bowl, then putting it on a centrifuge. The kitten's soul should rapidly fly outward, allowing it to be caught in a "huff trap" while other kittens' souls mix with it. From that point it is similar to traditional group huffing, with each huffer inhaling a part of the soul mix. This is best done with many different breeds for extra excitement. Due to the complicated equipment needed, group power huffing is only currently possible in the PETA huff den.
edit Internet Huffing
Internet huffing is the most recent new development in kitten huffing. It involves transmitting a kitten's soul through a fiber optic cable. It is currently only possible within 500 kilometers (about 350 miles) from the PETA huff den, where the central transmitter is. An Internet Huff is done by inhaling strongly in close proximity to your Ethernet cable. If you would like to experience a free huff courtesy of PETA, please click here: (Note that you will be huffing a depleted, Bengal Kitten.) Free Huff from your friends at PETA. PETA is currently beginning a pilot program to wirelessly transmit kitten soul data across the world, allowing them to be huffed by anyone equipped with a compatible HufferMate device.
edit Sex Huffing
This is the act of kitten huffing while also having sex. Don't worry, it doesn't harm you, the kitten or anyone you're having sex with...maybe.
edit Uses for Depleted Kittens
It has become increasingly common for Dutch Kitten cartels to crush the depleted kitten into a fine powder and sell it in Baggies. This are known on the street as K. Most often these milder but cheaper hits are popular in clubs and raves. Eg. "Hey man, you want some K?'"Sure! Oh look a chick with glowing nipples!"
edit See Also
 Kitten Huffing Guide for Idiots with no life