Denmark

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Damnnazi
Lego Republic of Denmark
SRD

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Ikke Sverige, Danmark (Not Sweden, Denmark)"
Anthem: Kapitalismen
Capital	Copenhagen (Not America)
Largest city	Smaller than America/Drunkenhagen
Official languages	Russian, Danish, Socialistic, Ænglisj
Government	Communist Monarchy
Tsar-Führer-Über-Emperor	Mary Queen of DenmarkGTFO-OFDENMARKBROWNIES!!! Aka. Pia Kjærsgård
BartenderHead of Bartendiring	King Rugbread CXI
Weapon of choice	Glass bottle or white flag.
National Hero(es)	The guy who invented lego, Hagar the Horrible, Hans Christian Andersen, Niels Bohr, Jesus, The Guy who invented the Danish, Kim Young Ill
Declaration of Independence	1789 from troll overlords
Currency	Lego bricks
Religion	Legoism
Population	According to Empress of Denmark Pia Kjærsgaard/GTFO-OFDENMARKBROWNIES!! 3 white people and too many Terrorists. (probably 90 billion)
Major exports	Porn, Viking invaders, Lego, Great Danes, Muhammed drawings

Warning:
This article contains Danish Humour! It has been mainly written by Danes since no one else gives a damn about that mysterious country that might just be a city in Pennsylvania. While not scientifically proven, Danish humour is rumored to be borderline lethal. Proceed at own risk.

“Denmark? Isn´t that the capital of Bilka?”

~ George W. Bush

“We own the land of bacon and underage drinking!”

~ Filip

“That's no hot dog”

~ happy Chinese

“We like waffles too”

~ Anja

“Something is seriously fucked in the state of Denmark”

~ Hamlet on Denmark

“Kiss me, I'm Danish!”

~ Ole Henriksen

“Yay Denmark”

~ Common Dane when Denmark or anything realted to Denmark (even Norway) is mentioned on TV

Contents 1 Denmark - an introduction 2 Quick facts 3 Fauna 4 Denmark in Literature 5 Language 6 Culture 7 Gellerup Parken in Aarhus 8 The Danish Big Foot 9 Economy 10 Travel Information 10.1 Things To See 10.2 Things To Say 10.3 Things To Do 11 Sports

[edit] Denmark - an introduction

Denmark is an insignificant mountain-rich piece of mud land stuck in between its evil half brothers Switzerland and Svalbard. Denmark is said to be build from a mixture of mud, mountains of LEGO bricks, beer and bacon by brave but insane Roman vikings at the beginning of Insomnian times. The delicious smell of bacon attracted reindeer from Finland, who inbreed with the Roman vikings creating a race of superhuman cold-blooded vikings - called Valhallans. After conquering what they thought was the world at least twice most vikings became bored and thus moved to Iceland to seek new challenges e.g. writing the source code for the ultimate operating system (UOS). However, in Iceland the glorious Valhalla society quickly diminished due to the traditional Axe-killing-Anyone-Around-when-drunk (AAA) games taking place every 3.291 month. This killed off the entire male population of Iceland leaving behind a ton of hairy bitches behind now known as people from Iceland.

After the Vikings wandered out of Denmark and settled in more troubled countries, Denmark became famous for fuck all. The next 2 million years=Booze. Danish history is written in half a page most of it being Lolwords or random angry swearwords at Sweden. This escalating alcoholskiiiillz (In Denmark skiiiiilllz=abuse) of course resulted in Denmarks "I-don't-give-a-fuck" culture. Many other nations are confused at why Denmark refuses to help lesser nations and why they never volunteer to do anything, but as quoted by the Tsar-Über-Führer-Empress of denmark: "I've got shit to do, you're making my beer stale."

Language.

The common language in Denmark is German-like or something..... like in all other european countries except France(where they speak Mexican flu-like language). Denmark however, took the language a step further and created Modern Danish which is ball bashing in the form of a language.

The language was created due to two main reasons: one being the famous Islam vs. Denmark wark of 1940-1945, with the devastating total losses of three carpet bitches, two sluts and some brats little bunny. But the main and fatal reason of the danish language is "The Swedish Plague".

The Plague and the Capital.

Unlike most countries in the world, the Danes have no actual capital. The capital of Denmark is commonly misunderstood as being [Copenhagen], but this is in fact a brewery often called "Haps-haps-nu-skal-vi-ha-snaps", which abuses elephants as test drinkers of their new beers, simply because they can consume more than even Australian women. The reason as to why Denmark discontinued having a real capital is because of "The Swedish Plague". The Swedish plague is the politics of Sweden since the dawn of man. Sweden has always made the country a living shitstain to live in, no because of cruelty or dictators, but because of terrible fashions, homoerotic military policies and the "no-fun-is-good-fun" rule. This means no drinking smoking or living for the Swedes, causing them to massively flood neighbouring countries' economy and stability.

Since the swedes are and always have been militarily incompetent, they have relied on this tactic as an insantwin, ever since Jesus. as stated by Über-Führer-Emperor-King Christian XXX "OMG WTF NOOOBZ!? NO FUCKING FAG-SPAM!! YOU'RE RUINING THE GAME!!!" - 1453.

so, finally in the year 666 or whatever, Chrstian XXX finally had enough. But then the genious Logistics and Merchant man "That-Indiana-Jones-LEGO-Figure" came up with a brilliant plan. By moving the Capital to a brewery that nobody, but the danes could prenounce, the Swedes would never be able to find it. The Swedes being the fagmasters that most europeans were back then, refused to flood anything but the capitals, since this was where the Aristocracy resided. The Swedish Plague, has had an immense cultural affect on Denmarks immigration politics, replacing the word Immigration with "Rapist of the motherland" (RTM) and the word immigrant with "GET-THE-FUCK-OUT-RAPIST!" (GTFOR). The Danish Folkparty which is the ruler of Denmark since it uses the most flags, established this and many other terms after the Denmark vs. Islam war of 1940-1945. Today they are common language. The war is currently under a cease fire period and has been since 1945, due to the dscovery of Kebabs. As stated by Über-Führer-Emperess-Queen, Magrethe II (Margarita) "Them Sandniggers best stay the fuck out of my crib, except if they got kebabs, I FUCKING LOOOOVE KEBABS!". The stability of the cease fire is however questionable since the leader of The Danish Folkparty (DF) is a vegitarian and on a diet and can therefore not even eat falaffel.

Denmark Today.

Today Denmark is a member of The Fourth Reich, NATO and various other international open source associations. This has led to the previous Crime Minister Anders Fjogh Rasmussen (amongst Friends and their allies called Fudge Factor) to suffer from delusions of grandeur, and he has continued the viking style of waging war against the entire world with his beer buddy George Who-ever Busk. Fjogh is now the editor of the monthly NATO magazine published in Uganda and Falkland Islands.

Denmark has implemented The Scandinavian Welfare Model, which means that no-one in Denmark is left behind (except all the poor people, the immigrants and other foreigners, the elders and students, of course) and the huge middle class enjoys free medical care among other good things such as bad beer and free porn. Poor people are considered immigrants because as stated by the leader of DF "Pia GTFO-BROWNIES Kjærsgaard: They smell like niggers they look like them and they taste like them, what more do you fucking want gaycunt?!"

[edit] Quick facts

• Denmark invented the nuke in 1920, we nuked the fuck out of canada to get Hans Ø, everyone knows this.
• For many years Denmark gathered armies and plotted to invade the United Kingdom. Which they actually succeeded in doing, although due to the size of their ridiculously small and badly trained army, a consequence of their equally diminutive population and general lazyness, nobody actually noticed. Both the famous city New York and the English town of York were named by the Danish Queen Lindsay Lohan the Straight II.
• Denmark has pwned the world 7 times, 2 times with Zerg Rush
• One of the secrets behind some of the Danes being so rich is that Danes never get old. It is common for an average Dane to die when they have reached the age of 30. Simply because of drinking too much beer and schnaps. In this way Danes work and pay huge taxes, and never get a return on the taxes they’d paid, except for free education and health care. Who needs that when you only become 30 anyways? Only most of the Danish politicians and hard-core vikings stay away from the deadly Danish beer and drink more healthy 80 vol% Stroh-rum instead.
• The main exports of Denmark are Great Danes, plastic bricks, salted herring, plastic Lego bricks, beer, meatballs, bacon, butter cookies, plastic bricks, windmills, ceramic car bumpers, beer, pastries, plastic bricks, Andersens, Christensens, Jensens, Thomsens, Sorensens, beer, dodgy footballers, plastic bricks, and expensive deadly alcohol and beer. They are also said to be the founding fathers of Danish Pastry, even though most Danes don't actually have a clue on what it is (and those who do blame it on Vienna).
• The Danish flag was made in Estonia and sold by Estonian spice merchants for the ridiculous overprice of 2 beers on the 15 June 1219. The buyer was King Valdemar, who wasn't very fond of Estonian beer anyhow.
• In Denmark it is recommended by the Ministry of Health (i.e. Lotte Havemand) to drink a minimum of 21+ pints of beer a week for men, and 14+ for the woman. (Note: They really mean you HAVE to drink, or you will go to jail or just die later than expected....)
• The founder of Denmark was actually Muh-hammad and his controversial Valhalla wife at the time Emilie Jakobsen. It was his wife who decided to name it Denmark, after she lost her favorite dog in a Greek puddle of mud.
• Danish women look, sound and act the same as Swedish women, though they are easier to pull. Danes deny the similarities between their women and the Swedish women though.
• Denmark is often considered the Canada of Europe. This is of course perfidious as Denmark is more like Alaska or Samoa.
• All Danes over-consume alcohol, frequently in the form of Grooobblequark as said in folks tongue. It's made of fermented milk, acorns, fatty bear meat pies and used tires of 1980's Opel's, the most popular variants being that of the Kadett, Ascona and Manta tires.
• The Danish Parliament is made of specialized Lego bricks, which is the outcome of 50 years of extra Lego tax. All Danes must pay 103.21% of their Lego pay, on top of the other taxes, (82,354% income tax and 45.4221% Fudge Factor Tax).
• All Danes work at the local Lego, beer or bacon factory 2.3 days a month. The bacon manufacturing is the 74th greatest export of Denmark, Lego being the 61th. with insulin and emigrants being at the top of the export income.
• The Danish great Stupi-nudist worshipers "Bamse og Kylling" have indoctrinated Danes since the beginning of Insomnian time walking around naked - without anyone noticing. They have also spawned a few minor offspring like "Anna and Hotte Lotte", the Blue "Dolph-insane" and "Kaj i Andrea", who now all are dead and stuffed with fur. They can be seen in the the DR museum "Gyngemosen" located in the royal Tivoli Park in Skovby amusement center.
• In april 2009 the crime minister of Denmark Fjogh Rasmussen finally got head-hunted to the magazine NATO, thus stepped down and giving hope for some change, but unfortunately his successor Løkke Fjogh Rasmussen II continued the rape of Denmark together with the communist-wanna-be Pia Kjærsgaard...
• The greatest hero in Denmark is "Jakob Stegelmann", whoever he is? The myth says that with an unending energy he was feeding the Danes with bullocks for years, and the Scandinavians too for that matter, i.e. long enough to be able to watch Danish TV showing the virtues of Fartman comics, role playing zombie games, obsolete computer games such as Maria Bros. and Gaywatch and some more life saving things succeeding the prayer period of "Bamse og Kylling".
• The Danish Queen and her prince Henrik, came to power in 1972, by consuming 5 virgin children - this is in fact a form of Danish sausages.
• Danes LOOOOOVE "GÖÖÖÖL pøl". "GÖÖÖÖL" or "Gøøøøl", is a extremely corrosive reddish substance that constitute the main food of the Danes. Under ultraviolet light it's actually a greenish-yellow and sticky substance, and if one happens to come in contact with it, it will transform the person into a fat and very black lump of monstrous gel known in Denmark as the "Pia Kjaersgaard" transformation....Ugly, that really is!!
• Denmarks is also known for having Amin Jensen as resident, who is a infamous but indeed funny looking Gøøøøl-eating Haribo gel bear.
• In ancient times of Denmark, Lego bricks were used as a food source, building material, and quest tokens by the Vulgarian Monash Barons - a bit like the Fraggles.
• It is said that certain danish shemales can reach their own toes. This is yet to be proven, however, as the latest footage turned out to be heavily altered. Trousers in Denmark typically measure size 1237 upwards due to the ugly "Pia Kjaersgaard" transformation.
• During the second world war, the danish people was nearly eradicated due to "The great beer and schnaps nutrients poverty period", where the imperialistic Nazis did the unthinkable thing of closing all breweries, thus removing the major nutrient substance (beer) from the danish tables. This of course pissed the Danes off severely, thus they almost killed a whole German called Fritz Schmidt because of it!!
• The head monster inzombia sheep known as Pia K. is currently also leading the Danish Fraggles party (called "The bla-bla Fraction"), which main policy is for everyone to be able to shout racial slurs against anyone else - except themselves of course. When asked if they thought their policy was racial, they generally reply, "We are not Fascistic, we are just afraid of the dark and of "Bamse og Kylling" (which obviously is true - who wouldn't?!!).
• Oh, and Danes like to run naked down the street while reading a magazine called "Gamereactor" why? Well no one really knows...

[edit] Fauna

The hardiness of the Danish people is by no doubt due to the large amount of vicious wild animals constantly being preyed on by such vicious people intent on invading England or south-west Narnia. Although most of the country is a frozen wasteland, Denmark's most hated enemy, Engle-land, managed to introduce a foreign species to the country, the speckled blight weasel, which managed to decimate the country's economy by simply running around in circles thus confusing the Danes into thinking there was something wrong with the weather and they all stayed home in fear of an impending storm. This, in turn, laid ground for the Danish national sport, knitting combined with "Gööl pööl".

Another very commonly seen animal in Denmark is the Polar watch bear (called Wizzies). But be aware: tourists are prohibited from feeding these animals, as they often get in the way of them, thus causing bad foraging and a lousy temper because of vomiting. The Izzies motto is:

"Get the hell out of my way, I'm foraging."

- Obviously, it is wise to not follow this badly advised move. So Danes normally just feed the watch bears and go back to Middelfart badlands.

The Devil sheep used to live in the Frodo mountains of Denmark. Until it was wiped out by the Beowulf in the star-year of log 215.352c after the 2. Muslimian war, on a command of the Big Kingfisher of Denmark, Uffe Elle-Bälle-mand, who used to be a former wanna-be editor of the NATO warlord magazine.

Denmark is also full of pink elephants and female rhinos (called Nörrebro Stonehenges), however it's normally drunken Swedish or Norwegian tourists that come in contact with these animals.

The national animal of Denmark is the killer-snail - by the way....and the favorite plant is the red-eared basilica-lemon hashish plant.

[edit] Denmark in Literature

Denmark is featured most prominently in two major works of English literature, although not so prominently in any works of Danish literature (more on this later*). The first of these is Beowulf, an epic poem written several hundred years after the fact by some guy in England with way too much time on his hands. The story begins when Hrothgar, the king of the Danes and the guy whose name should have given everyone a clue as to the phlegmy direction their language was headed in (even the danes are unable to pronounce it, and generally calls him Roar), builds a really big mead hall (Freud would have something to say about that). Hrothgar and his homies throw drunken, loud parties every night, proving that even back in the good ol' days there was still nothing to do in Denmark but drink. Said parties really tick off Grendel, a somewhat emo monster and possibly one of the most misunderstood characters in English literature. Grendel terrorizes the hall and kills a lot of people and they all submit to it for about 13 years until Beowulf comes to their rescue and kills Grendel and then Grendel's mother, who, contrary to popular belief, was a nasty old broad of a monster who looked nothing like Angelina Jolie and who Beowulf probably would not have slept with. The Danes will never quite live down the fact that they had to be rescued from Grendel's terror by a Swede, and this is most likely the cause of the feud that continues between the two countries to this day. It is likely that the sing-song accent of Swedish developed from hundreds of years of mocking the Danes.

The second piece of literature is Hamlet, the well-known Shakespearean tragedy. Originally Prince Amled of Jutland - a danish peninsula, said to hold the last bit of authentic, achaeic stoneage, as it is only inhabited by primitive farmers - his tale was soon discovered by Shakespeare, who liked the overall emo-traits. Unfortunately, being the heir to a big, muddy field wasn't badass enough for Shakespeare, and he changed it to the king of Denmark, thus making it a big muddy field, and several shabby islands with some beer breweries. While he was at it, Shakespeare renamed him Hamlet, hinting that Hamlet/Amled originally might have been french. Hamlet thinks he sees his dad's ghost telling him about his uncle being a murderer. Although your English teachers will undoubtedly try to tell you that all of Hamlet's problems arose because he listened to the ghost and slowly drove himself mad, do not be fooled. Hamlet simply had a terrible case of depression from the awful weather and it drove his mind to create its own reality, one filled with murderous uncles, incest, betrayal, pornographic traveling players (the theatrical kind, not the guys with money who pick up young blond chicks in bars), and incidents with his mother that reach positively Oedipal proportions. Since Hamlet the Danes have become better at dealing with their weather related depression, resorting back to Beowulf-esque amounts of alcohol and brainwashing each other into believing that they live in the happiest country on earth.

• notes on Danish literature - There are a few works of Danish literature, including 'Out of Africa' by Karen Blixen (published under the name Isak Dineson for fear of persecution by the Jantelov-driven society for being such a damn good writer) and the work of Danish philosopher Søren Kirkegaard. 'Out of Africa' provides a lovely example of the lengths some people will go to to get away from the Danish weather. Kirkegaard is an article unto himself but suffice to say that, literally translated, 'Kirkegaard' means 'church garden' which is a polite way of saying 'graveyard'. Oh, and then there's Hans Christian Andersen, but really, before Disney got hold of his stories and gave them happy endings, no normal person would have read them to children for fear of making the little angels suicidal. H.C. Andersen was one depressed dude - probably because of the weather....

[edit] Language

“Danish is not a language - it's a throat disease.”

~ Queen Margareth of Denmark

Most linguists have come to believe that the Danish language, sounding approximately as a seal with pneumonia holding a potato in its mouth, is indeed most closely related to Sealese, though some dispute this and think a relation to Penguinese to be more likely. However, the sealists have gained an upper hand recently, with the argument that there have been longstanding contact between native Danes and Seals. Indeed, after the great Seal invasion in prehistoric times, they often inhabit the same territory, with Danes having numerous habitations on Greenland since the landing of Erik den Røde (Erik the Red, not to be confused with Svend the Green), and the invading seals having a large remaining colony in the marshes of south-west Denmark, the so-called "Tønder Marsk" (which is also the home of the last 0.3 people).

On the other hand, the Penguinists argue that the vocabulary and phonemes of Danish much resemble Penguinese, and that the Penguins obviously have a much superiour culture and language, much more likely to be copied from. However likely, many argue against it because the contact between these two groups have arguably been non-existent in the relevant time period, the Penguins residing only in the southern hemisphere in present times.

On the other other hand, phrenologists who study the Danish language have come to the conclusion that it is not so much a language as a throat disease, probably caused by a mutatated form of the same virus that causes Yiddish, which itself is a mutated form of the Arabic/Hebrew virus. The cause of the Danish mutation is thought to be due to a rampant allele which became manifest due to excessive contact with fatty cheese and old beer.

A fringe group of linguists - of an obviously tarnished and sinister character - contend that Danish is instead closely related to Engrish and Greman but, such ridiculous and pseudo-scientific claims can be given little merit.

The latest research puts forward the theory that the Danish language was created by drunk Norwegian Vikings, that having been drunk, got lost and ended up in Denmark. This theory comes from the fact that Danes can understand drunk Norwegians, but not sober ones (nor drunk Swedish people). Controversially, linguist David Crystal has also argued that Danish is in fact a long-running Situationist joke and not really a language at all, more a sort of attenuated collection of grunts and base howls. However, as the Danes are fond of saying, "at least it is not Finnish".

It should be noted the Swedish theory on Danish language, that is sounds like throwing up, is not even admitted by the Danes. The Swedes think this is an obvious case of alcoholics denial of truth. But who cares? Lets go down to the pub and have some beer.

[edit] Culture

The Danish people have practiced the fine art of baby eating for centuries. In fact, Denmark's most brutal inhabitant the Rasmuscles from Bruxelles practise this every morning at 5.00. This began around the year 1140 b.c., when the all and powerful Oprah first visited the Danish mud lands and taught the danes a proper baby eating technique. Baby eating is quite common at social gatherings where dishes like baby salad, baby casserole, and rødgrød med fløde-baby can be found.

Danish people are all members of the big religion Legoism, where the most fanatic believers only do things by the holy Lego book. If you shave a dane completely you will notice that his skull has the form of a Lego-mans head and he can therefore "click" object on to his head and carry them around effortlessly. Talk and walk Lego, wear Lego, go to Lego school and Lego academy, work with Lego Tools, Eat Lego food, do Lego, and love/make love the Lego way. The supreme leader of the Legoists is His Popeness, Popeye "Klods Hans"(In english: "Lego Las"). You can always recognize a real Lego Beliver on the Lego hair. When someone or something marry in Denmark, the customary ceremonials includes gifts of imprecious wooden Legobricks and shark-ivory Lego Sombreros to the Groom. There are a few Playmobil Belivers in Denmark too though. As the Playmobil belief is very, very forbidden, they are severely hunted by the axe-killing murderers of the Lego Viking police and thus hide underground in the Magasin du Nord sours. Whenever a Playmobil beliver is taken alive by the the Legoists, he, she or it will be put into Cultural Lego Integration camp (called GuLegos). The plan was originally then to release the Former playmobil believers out into society after a few months, but many playmobil believers still sits in Lego Integration camp today, after 25 years.

Some Danes believe in Santa Klaus Rifbjerg. He is said to come hurling down from Greenland in an old school bus from the 1950s at Legoday plotting to put his writings down the chimneys of all the children who have been naughty this year. However, most of today's Danish children don't have chimneys. Oddly though these incredible naughty children always get the latest copy of Santa Klaus Rifbjerg's work and are then forced to read it in school as some sort of severe punishment. The older people of Denmark still believe in Santa Klaus Rifbjerg and each year they write tedious reviews to the newspapers about the importance of his latest book. It has indeed been argued that it's not just superstition but a real Santa Klaus Rifbjerg cult, which ought to be looked at in the same way as anthropologists misunderstand people from New Guinea or baby-seals from Greenland. The Catholic monk Lars fun Trier, who was raised by Jewish Communist nudists, has devoted his entire life to fight this cult with dogmatic propaganda films. All of his propaganda films end with the word "SLUT". This is obviously an insult, however, it's a bit unclear whether this is meant as an insult of Santa Klaus Rifbjerg or the audience.

The rich and manifold cultural life of Denmark has been influenced in large part by the more civilized and advanced culture of the white race, with which they have been in contact with for several centuries. The Danes have incorporated that great white mice tradition of running in little treadmills for a bloody good while and spending their spare time eating, mating and drinking.

As of yet it seems that the Danes have not discovered that this is in fact an ingenious cover, intended to make the white mice seem innocuous and non-threatening while they monitor their newest large-scale experiment, Luxembourg.

It appears that the Danes whilst producing such talents as Hans Christian Andersen and Søren Kierkegaard, both very good Doctor Whos, are not quite smart enough to realise the real white mice. However, some argue that Danes are also just pretending not to know while laying their sinister plots, the argument against being, however, that they can't be that good at acting, or the Bodgy Broadcasting Corporation and the parliament would have recruited the entire population en masse already.

Ancient Danish culture centres around the great Kronborg castle in Elsinore. The castle was original build by Og the Magnificient in 1214 over the objections of Queen Oggette. Construction was finished in record time and the queen was eventually drown in the moat since, as one Danish ka-niggit put it, "the lady doth protest too much!" (in Danish: Øv, hvor lagde jeg dog mine vafler!". Her ghost is said to be living under the castle and having affairs with various ancient Danish heroes.

Eventually, the castle was turned into a theater by Og's son, Bard the Borg, who was quoted as saying "the play's the thing". Unfortunately, for Danish theatergoers everywhere, Bard gave away the ending by telling the public that Hamlet (and everyone else) dies in the last act. The entire story was later plagiarized by William Shakespeare and used by George Lucas as a model for future Star Wars prequels.

The most revered of all Danish writers are Lis Wiehl, author of the historical romance Ganar siempre ('"Leave My Toes Alone"), and Axel Sandemose who in many books described the beautiful minds of the inhabitants in his hometown, Nykobing. This mind has most hittingly been described in The Jante Law from the novel A refugee crosses his track and its sequel A refugee gets double-crossed.

[edit] Gellerup Parken in Aarhus

Also known as Wulffland, is the smallest and most inconspicuous part of the empire of the Faroe Islands and should never be confused with the world-famous flea market in Yorkshire of the same name or any other fun place. There have been several attempts from the Christiansø citizen to throw the Wulffland out of this unholy union of states, but they have all failed grousomly as the Wulffland citizens joined the intraveneously doped and heavily armed society of Christania. Having deserted it's fellow member states and canoodled with Germany (check any map of the Extern Europe, and you will see what I mean...), Denmark will soon lose it's membership among the "Real Viking Mud lands". Rumours abound that Norway and Sweden have voted to demote it to a second-class Nordic country such as Patagonia or perhaps a suspiciously Balkan polar bear country like Estonia.

Of course The Danes will not try to resist this decision. Denmark is infact the only country in the world that has never won a war (Well, actually they did make a smart move and joined the USA in the desert-stormy Iraq contributing with a submarine and a snow plow) and is on the top of the Easiest to invade list (who doesn't remember when the Faroe Islander Diddi Jó called Queen Margarita telling her he'd invade the country with two of his best friends. Of course she simply gave up)

Someone in Denmark once sketched a cartoon of some kind of prophet or something. The middle east rejoiced in appreciation, and tourism quickly tripled. Danish inns, hotels, hostels and discount supermarkets now estimate approximately 7 overnight stays per year.

[edit] The Danish Big Foot

City officials in 19th century Århus investigated claims by terrified citizens that “Blockhead”-woman was roaming the otherwise peaceful forest to the south of the city. According to local lore the creatures have been spoken of, and occasionally spotted, since the age of Vikings, but a rise in the number of sightings during the latter part of the 18th century prompted authorities to look into the matter further. The bizarre sightings were reportedly been made on the outskirts of Marselisborg, close to Ballahage. Locals plagued by the mysterious creature dubbed it the “The Ballehage Horror” or the Forest Woman.

The only know sighting was in 1928 when a botanist named Søren Hansen claimed to have been kidnapped by Bigfoot. Søren was picked up in his sleep, bedding and all, and carried for about three kilometers by the woman forest. When set down, he found inside a bizarre structure in the company of the forest woman. “Her enormous tessellated head looked as if it was made fleshy boxes, the color of blackish-brown,” the newspapers later wrote. At first he thought she planned to eat him, as their campsite was littered with large bones. The creature poked and prodded Søren, seemingly puzzled by his clothing. After a while, she appeared to grow tired of the human curiosity, and left the hut. Seeing his chance, Søren made a run for it - running right past his own camp to his boat by the sea. He never went into the woods again.

[edit] Economy

On the system of nursing homes (in Danish plejehjem). People are forced to work, because only diligent workers may reserve places in nursing homes. The main goal of an ordinary Dane is to spend his or her last days in a plejehjem, being cared for by young people, who will take their place in future. Some people even save money so they can retire faster and move to a nursing home.

The second largest pillar of the Danish economy is the export of sketches, paintings and drawings of religious leaders and prophets. This was started in the recent millennia by Jyllands Posten, a small art studio and cookie bakery just next to the The Middle of Nowhere which in Danish is called "Herringløse"(it is a small village in the middle of nowhere).

The third largest pillar of the Danish economy is young people from sweden who go there to buy alcohol, since you have to be 18 to consume alcohol in sweden. Thats why their economy went through the roof when the öresundsbridge was finished.

Superseding the previous two is the cruel killing of hapless hogs, exported through the conspiracy of the EU that the Danish Prime Minister helped bring about by exploiting the hysteria of the nation during the national oil shortage in 1976. Since then, mass quantities of pigs are butchered every day to feed the nation's unending lust for wholesale slaughter, revenue and craving for bacon. Due to this practice, vegetarians are denied citizenship on general principle.

A further source of income for the poor Danes is based on the hoarding-like hysteria that falls upon drunken Norwegians as they fall off misc ferries that offer different kinds of "party cruises" to Denmark (marketed under the slogan "Det er deilig å fiske torsk i Danmark"). The Norwegians, being under the impression that everything is cheaper in Denmark, will typically buy cigarettes, alcohol, pornography, sex toys, meat, candy, Coca Cola, toilet paper, bunny food, French waffles and envelopes in enormous quantities. Entire cities survive on this source of income alone (for instance Copenhagen, Århus, Hirtshals, Frederikshavn, Svinesund and Kuala Lumpur). The store Walgreens was closed down by the Denmark communists saying it was a depth to socitey. It was reopend and closed 176,457,121,12 times, happening every few minutes. Making the economy good and bad. Beer is good for the econmy and flowers. A lot of people buy beer and flowers, and despicable bullcrap.

[edit] Travel Information

Denmark is a lovely country to visit. It is mostly harmless, but it is suggested to bring certified protective weasel gear or similarly functional surf boards. If you want to go into the cities you should also always bring a shotgun to kill the polar bears and not displease their king if you want to live.

[edit] Things To See

• Bornholm - The ZEN art of denmark. If you would like the ULTRA zen art of denmark, go to Christiansø, not far.
• The Queen of Denmark - one of the world's most prominent nicotine addicts.
• If you climb a very, very high tree you will be able to see Moscow from Denmark.
• Denmark is the best place to see native Danish-speakers in their natural, albeit flat, habitat.
• The Great Jutes - Denmark's greatest mountain range, measures up to two metres at its highest point.
• The bridge with a funny name (Øresundsbroen) connects Denmark with Sweden, allowing Swedes to come and buy cheap alcoholic beverages in Denmark. If you are lucky, you might see Carl XVI Gustaf, the King of Sweden, buying loads of beer and cream cheese for the weekend.
• Herning - A Danish town which contains the worlds longest shopping street, being twice as long as the equator.
• Middelfart - Danish farts always come in threes. But it's the middle fart they're most famous for... they even named a town after it. Middelfart - it is a town. Don't go there [1]. Middelfart is also known to have a lot of elevators - especially Godselevators.
• Herringløse is the weirdest town in Denmark,there is a pre-used-things and sell-your-crap store there.(In danish calld "køb og salg") They sell pretty good pre-used ice cream in there (or prechewed chewing gum). It isn't recommended to visit this village as there really is nothing to see at all.
• Roskilde Festival is a Christian community effort through which devoted believers visit from all over the country. Also, there is a lot of beer drinking and listening to heavy metal until five in the morning, but it's all good.
• Godselevator Special elevator reserved for the old nordic gods (Odin, Thor etc). It can be seen in older warehouse in the vicinity of Greater Copenhagen. In general you always want to travel alone in elevators in Denmark due to the amounts of stinky hot air produced while the elevator is moving: Usually it states "I fart" upon movement.
• The pyramids of King Harald Blåtand stands 550 meters tall in the city of Århus. This national momument predates the egyptian pyramids by three days and twentytwo minutes. Directions: Turn left at central station and look for the newsstand. Bring the ritual payment håndøre hand-ear as a peace offering.
• Odense by day. Odense is very proud to have the childhood home of Hans Christian Andersen. This works out well, since he actually grew up there.
• Odense by night. Nothing ever happens in Denmark at night, though you will see native Danes on the streets. Notice how they react when arriving at red lights: that's right. They stop.
• Aalborg. Also known as double-A. Well, actually you should at all cost try to avoid Aalborg. You wouldn't like to go there. Surely, you wouldn't. Especially after the undead Invation<!
• Allerød: Maybe the most drunken place of all of Denmark. Acording to local rumors you will encounter drunk people everywhere you go!

• Mors. An island twice the size of Russia, located in Limfjorden (in English the Spermlake). Most white trash, now residing in America, originate from this island.
• Dronnist. This is a special man species, living in the dark concrete forests of Odense. There's only one living example of this species, but scientists could be proved wrong. A Dronnist is said to have amazing athletic skills, especially in a wrestling ring, but it has never been proved.
• De Autonome. The Danish anarchists. Theese make the 0.3 of the danish population. When they were recently kicked out of their house 'Ungdomshuset' (The Youth house) they torched the only two cars ever to have been in Denmark. They were both VW's and was hand crafted by Hitler.
• Ølstykke. A danish town, made of pure beer. "Ølstykke" actually means "Piece of Beer". Nobody knows exactly where it is, and people who go there never return.
• Tarm. A small danish town which name transulates to intestine or gut. Do NOT visit the town during the annual golf tournament Tarm Open!
• Brøndby. Some random stadium filled with drunk danes dressed in blue and yellow, pretending to be swedish. The name "Brøndby" actually means "Well town". Theres a stadium and a well.
• Fanø. The only place in Denmark where its legal to marry your sister and/or children. The result is 800 years of incest and a lot inbreath retards with 3 arms or more. DO NOT go there if it can be avoided.
• The LEGO factories in Billund. The most heavily guarded area in Denmark bar none. Besides generating 98.2% of the combined danish income, the factory is also the national bank of Denmark. Visitors carrying Playmobil toys will be shot on sight.

[edit] Things To Say

Here are some helpful tips and phrases which may come in handy during your travels in Denmark.

• Tak (thank you) - so you can say "tak for kaffe (coffee)" or "tak for mad (meal)" or "tak for grøn tuborg". Anyway, just burp - it easier. If you say Tak-Tak - mange Tak-Tak, everyone know you're from Japan!
• Smøremiddel A type of snack that resembles the middle of a smore.
• Rødgrød med fløde Danes make you believe that this means red porridge with cream - A simple trick! What you are in fact saying is: "Sell me overpriced Legos please."
• Tuborg Grøn (Green beer) - very, very expensive. Canadians endorse it. Danes drink it everywhere... malls, work, school, in slurpees at 7-11 etc.
• Tuborg Gold - good strong beer. Canadians also endorse this beer. A nice beer for the bit.. beach.
• Carlsberg – Any Tuborg you encounter that is neither green nor gold.
• sæt ild til mig og skub mig ud af vinduet - Come to the window, so we can enjoy the view together...
• Soft Ice (Soft Ice scream) - you will get a cone as big as your head - VERY well endorsed. You can hear it with meringue on top of your head as well as chocolate sauce, Marmaduke, and a big marshmallow chocolate covered cookie on top. Cool - huh?
• Auto-bus - If you see one huge van you know it's either a day trip for the challenged or tourists. They don't take those round intersections very well. Tires pop easily and the Danish take no responsibility for flat tires.
• Sgu u lige gærne gåt have æn lille røg me no gåådii? (Smoking pot again?) - Most Danes do.
• Nøgenstrand (Nude Beach) - Mostly Germans, mostly men, mostly hairy and mostly beer-bellied.
• Benzinstation (Service Stations) - Cokes cost about 6.00CDN and the only candy you can get are salty black licorices who are so salty you wil die 2.8 seconds after eating one. If you go to Denmark bring snacks.
• Slutspurt - If you see this sign in a store they ARE NOT being rude about your morals - it just means that a big sale is about to end. BUT: there are a lot of sluts in Denmark.
• Udsalg - Same thing a sale or possibly "for sale".
• Kartoffel (Potatoes) - Danish potatoes that is. You must know secret hand signal to purchase.
• Grøntsager (Vegetables) - no secret hand signal required.
• Knibtang (pliers) - You will need them if you like flat fish like flounder
• Mandag (Monday) - they have different words for every day of the week. Just like us - Torsdag - somethingelsedag etc etc
• I fart - The elevator is in use, "in motion".
• Bad Toilet - Ask for this when you need a shower. Really!! Signs will often state 'Bad Toilet' in hotels where the bathrooms are found in the hallway instead of in rooms.
• Røget ørred - it's just the same as "smoked trout", Norwegian trout is the only way to go btw., BUT Danes love to get non-Danes to try and say "Røget ørred". It's quite tasty though even though some of the ørred in fact is whale.
• A Pia - in these modern times this seemingly innocent girl's name, Pia, is now another word for "Nazi" because of the too well known politician Pia Kjærsgaard; so somebody can be a Pia - if they're an antisocial, fascist pig, no matter if they're of the male og female gender.
• Otto Leisner is a God to the Danes. He was what Johnny Carson was to the Americans. He was Danish television in the golden days. His most famous line was, 'Yes! Yes! We are happy. And we have to celebrate it!!!!'
• Det er Leasy - if you press eight eight times on danish phones they will say that, which means you are in love with Leasy, but only if you get hold of a guy called 'Peter'.
• Jeg elsker dig - means you stupid dumb moron, they say that often in Denmark if you are friendly to them, but Danes don't like policy and brown-noses.
• Sild - As well as being Danish for "Herring" it is also Danish slang for "Hot Chick" or "Rather Nice Babe" (not the talking porcine wonder of modern cinematic history, that is) - demonstrating the profoundly bizarre relationship the Danes enjoy with this otherwise bland fish... Anyway, the true link most probably a smelly subject...
• Har du en femmer til en kop kaffe? - Sentence used to rip off money from unsuspecting Danes. If they take out coins as a reaction, respond with "Ah - stik mig en hund istedet", and look sharply and directly in their eyes. Warning: Be prepared to run. Danes are usually armed with knifes, plastic bricks and onanic handguns.
• Julemanden – another word for Santa Klaus Rifbjerg.
• Haj Haj – is a way to say hello to your fish.
• Mojn - Said in southern Jutland and north Germany meaning "Goodbye" OR "Hello". Southern Jutland is also known as the place where many of the Danish retards live - especially in Møgeltønder. They have a very strange mongoloid way of speaking, and they should not be confused with normal Danes, so if you have any doubt just remember that people from Southern Jutland aren't in fact true Danish.
• Må jeg smage dine lakrisser (Can I taste some of your licorices?) May be useful if you're hungry, but caution: Danish licorices are the strongest in the world! if you eat more that 4 you will die instantly!!!
• Jeg haver sgu' en stor kartoffel i min hals means I try speak danish - dammit!
• Ikk'å' - If you're in Jutland, you'll have to end EVERY sentence with this catchy word meaning something like "right!"
• SLUT! - When you want to end an argument with a girl.
• Fint! - means "I'll get you later!" if said by a girl.
• Ah har lii' få't a ny trauwdor. - "Its a nice weather - let's go for a ride" if said in or around Copenhagen. In Jutland it means "please, take me in to the woods and kill me."

[edit] Things To Do

• Go to Jyllands-Posten in Viby (Jutland) and draw Mohammed cartoons on their walls.
• Skiing in the Danish western Alps (are none - although there is a slightly flat area called "Det danske Schweiz" - The Danish Switzerland - 20 km north of Copenhagen). Something to do with chocolate, watches and cheese, I reckon?
• Visit Møllehøj, the highest point in Denmark at a whopping height of 171 m. Actually it's smaller, but it doesn't matter.....
• Visit Ringsted, which in fact means "Shitty place".
• Visit the extremely (un)aptly named Sky Mountain (Himmelbjerget)
• Watching the sun go down over The pyramids of King Harald (They love to do it)
• Drink beer (Do it like the Danes, using their traditional drinking skulls fresh from the swamps)
• Eat roasted wardog in the great plaza of Esbjerg.
• Buy horribly overpriced plastic bricks and cars.
• Try to eat Danish licorices without going into instant coma or die.
• Suck on "Bella's" tits (a "Bella" is a special tool that helps Danish teens to drink beer even faster, and in larger amounts). And it works!!
• Do after-ski followed by a daily beer-crawl.
• Go to the nearest seaport center, take the "Viking-Cruise", and when you arrive immediately start to rape, kill and throw beer glasses after the inhabitants of England. For an extra fee, you can have a pillaging exercise at Buckingham Place.
• Drink more beer
• Have a traditional Danish cold lunch including Danish on rye, beer on rye and mayo - with beer and schnaps of course.
• Meet the unfamous Danish writer Rubert Etard (R. Etard) in Ringsted.
• Take a tour on Pusherstreet in Christiania before panserne raids it (again)
• Get some of the famous yeast Saccharomyces Carlsbergensis used for Danish beer. Try to get a Dane to help you. They ought to get this for free by some old convention.
• Yeast farming (Oh, it sounds bad now, but you just try it out...).
• Grab someones black beer and drink it at the Hanstholm Kro while saying "Hva' fa'en makker - gi'r du en ny?". That's really fun - at least for a short second.... Please wear sneakers.
• Opening a jar of pickled herring, and just gulp down a whole fillet, in one go, without crying or vomiting!
• Go to Jyllands-Posten in Viby (Jutland) and draw Mohammad cartoons.
• Read aloud from Hans Christian Andersen's fairy-tales while standing on one leg.
• Read aloud from Santa Klaus Rifbjerg's fairy-tales without falling asleep.
• Jump around and cry out "ululululululu".
• Drink enougth beer to get a beer-belly.
• Shout "ululululululu" again.
• Visit Frederikshavn, the most violent and criminal city in Denmark. But due to their artificial palm beach and the longest pedestrian street in the country, it is worth a trip.
• Happyslapping with folks from Nørrebro and Struer.
• Look at the bacon. Make different kinds of bacondishes
• Smell the bacon. Touch the bacon. Eat the bacon chips - which is actually skin of a swine!!
• Drink beer and eat bacon at the same time. Drink bacon and eat beer at the same time. NOw, make bacon yourself....
• Go to Nørrebro with a shirt where it says: "I call my shit Muhammad!" - and drink a beer.
• Go to Politiken and write "Who the fuck wrote this illiterate shit?" on the entrance door.
• Go to Nørrebro with a giant cross on wheels and yell: "Jæsus ælsker dig!" - and drink beer and eat swine chops.
• Send spam emails from public computers to Pia Kjærsgård.
• Nothing else really. (Except for buying and drinking some beers.)

[edit] Sports

• -Making Beer-
• -Lego Building-
• -Eating bacon-
• -Lego Building-
• -Watching Kim Bodnia cartoons-
• -Curling-
• -Ice Picking-
• -800m Under Water-
• -Imitating the Germans-
• -Lego Building-
• -Building Legos-
• -Eating Legos-
• -Drinking Beer-
• -Play some soccer-
• -Have sex before the age of 14-
• -Drinking alcohol before the age of 12-
• -Making funny Cartoons
• -Eating chocolate with alcohol
• -Do some real viking stuff...

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