# Demons

Demons, also known as Daemons often appear to be locked into an eternal battle against the forces of Good – but that's just a front. In reality, Good and Evil are two sides of the same coin, which makes them necessary to each other’s existence but at the same diametrically opposite (although some say evil is merely the absence of good). It is believed by some that demons are collaborating with the Pope in a plan for World Domination.

Demons are the true embodiments of evil in this world of men. They show themselves in various forms. Be it from the smallest baby, to the largest fat man. Demons can be recognized by their multiple horns, sharp fangs, tails, wings and overall nasty attitudes, although they are often in disguise.

## editOrigins

The celebrated author and pizza critic[1] Carl Sagan argued that demons originated in a battle in Northwest India in or around 3000 BC[2] though it is generally believed that demons originated much earlier, possibly as much as 3000 years earlier at the Creation of the Universe. Demons are also believed to originate when a certain level of complexity in abstract formalisms is reached, though this is only believed in certain cosmologies, notably that of Rick Cook. Geoffrey Landis argued that demons are an illusion of volition caused by certain random patterns appearing in chaotic systems (e.g., the movement of magma in the Earth’s mantle, the actions in the ocean’s currents, a United States election)[3]

## edit Demons And God

Nobody really knows why demons decided to create God, whom they oppose at every juncture - but the theory of Unintelligent Design might suggest some possibilities -- or it might not, Who Knows? It has been argued that The Shadow knows, though popular opinion (and consequently scientific consensus and fact) has it that his knowledge is limited only to what lurks in the hearts of men, and an encyclopedic knowledge of the drainpipes of New York.

Death is not a Demon, but an abstract concept brought on by the cessation of a real phenomenon, Life. Some people have suggested that Darkness will bring the end of times. Darkness, not surprisingly, is merely the phenomenon of absence of Light, and vice versa. Neither are time-related, except to the extent that the speed of Light and Time are inextricably linked in a complex interweaving of physics and alcohol

## edit Demon Strations

Demons beget demons in ceremonies called Demon Strations (often mispronounced, misused, mistaken, misunderstood and misrepresented as "demonstrations"). To the untrained eye, these may look like instructional displays of technology or applications of wisdom, but they are, in truth, ceremonies that invoke all 13 of the seven deadly sins and 4 of the really neat sins. Those in the audience who succumb to at least 2.7 sins will have demons burst from their nostrils and ears within 2.7 days.

The best way to combat the nefarious effects of a Demon Stration is to pretend to be dead. If that is impossible (eg, the floor is uncomfortable) perform interpretative dance or scream at the top of one's lungs.

The celebrated demonologist Aleister Crowley advised that attack by demons was preferable to being ignored, or worse, snubbed and that if one were attacked by a demon to ‘lie back and think of England’. In Crowley’s time this was sufficiently pleasant and distracting that it mollified the horrors of demon attack but the England of the Third Millennium is now so ravaged by Islam and theme pubs that having one’s genitals pulled out through one’s nose is preferable to contemplating ‘that septic isle[4]’.

## edit Demons And High School Girls

One of life's great mysteries is the connection between demons and high school girls, especially high school girls from Eastern countries like Japan, Korea and Vancouver. Albert Einstein created a complex and completely-incorrect formula describing the relationship between demons and high school girls. Isaac Newton discovered "The Proportional Law of Tentaclicity" which states that the more tentacles a demon has, the more likely it is to be drawn to high school girls. In fact, the calculation is more complex, as Albert Einstein showed in a famous experiment in 1933.

$A=\frac{TC}{\sqrt{D}}$

where $A$ is the attraction, $T$ is the number of tentacles, $C$ is the Concupiscence Index, and $D$ is the distance between the demon and the high school girl. $C$ is sometimes referred to as the Cuteness Number and is derived from monitoring the mean levels of sexual excitement generated by the high school girl.[5]

Oscar Wilde, rumored to be both a demon and a high school girl simultaneously, had no comment for quite possibly the first time in his entire life.

One widely-embraced theory is that many demons were unpopular in high school and want a second chance with the girls that rejected them in life. This theory is most fully explored in Why I’ll Be Back by Michael J Pollard[6] Combined with another widely-embraced theory that women gravitate towards bad men or risky men[7], one can conclude that demons and high school girls are a match made in heav... um... go together like Monica Lewinsky and being devoured messily.

## editNotes

1. ‘It looks better than some pizzas I’ve seen’ when referring to the moon Io
2. ’’Contact’’, Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan, ISBN 0671434004
3. ’Elemental’ by Geoffrey Landis, Analog, 1984
4. ’’Richard III’’ by William Shakespeare and Eric Flint, Baen Books, 2006
5. Albert Kinsey ‘Sexual Response in the Adolescent Male when Exposed to Various Female Stimuli’, Northwestern University 1949 In Einstein’s original experiment the high school girls where all given a C rating of 1 but this didn’t completely explain varying solutions for A
6. Why I’ll Be Back, Michael J Pollard, New York, G P Putnam’s Sons, 2002
7. ‘Why Women Like Draco Malfoy’, J K Rowling Interview for Playboy, March 2003